The Lists #13 by Scott Hoffman

Top 10 Dysfunctional Family Holiday Greetings

  1. It looks worse than it is.
  1. Oh God, you pierced that, too?
  1. I want a piece of something besides that pie, Sweetheart.
  1. And don’t let the doorknob hit you on the butt!
  1. What’s that damn tree doing in here?
  1. Jump! Jump! Jump! Jump!
  1. We used to call you “Sis,” now we call you “Mom.”
  1. I got your wings right here, Clarence.
  1. Put the turkey down and no one will get hurt.
  1. Anybody else as drunk as I am?


Scott HoffmanScott Hoffman (Episode 66, essay) is an independent scholar and native Austinite living and working in his hometown. He earned his Ph.D. in American Studies from Purdue University in 2005 and is currently revising his manuscript Haloed by the Nation: Popular Martyrdom in Contemporary America. In 2008, he was nominated for a Lone Star Emmy for researching and writing The World, the War and Texas, a public television documentary about Texans during the Second World War. His publications include “How Do You Solve a Problem like Maria? St. Maria Goretti in the Post-Counter-Cultural World” in The CRITIC and “Holy Martin: The Overlooked Canonization of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.” and “‘Last Night I Prayed to Matthew:’ Matthew Shepard, Homosexuality and Popular Martyrdom in Contemporary America,” both in Religion and American CultureThis year he completed compiling an LBGT Resource Guide for the Austin History Center. In his spare time Scott likes to sing like nobody’s listenin’ and dance like nobody’s watchin’, which means he tends to wail and flail his arms a lot…