The Diaries of a Sozzled Scribbler #17
Transcribed by DMETRI KAKMI
Hello, logophiles! It’s me, Mr Sozzled, your intrepid reporter from the borders of insanity, ringing in from a cave in the Khyber Pass.
You guessed it. I was run out of Australia—yet again—by imbeciles after my last daring column, which apparently encouraged the killing of ‘Woke’ people. When all I was going was putting out the garbage.
My amanuensis, Demented something-or-other, is with me. Can’t pronounce his surname even when I’m drunk, which is most of the time.
He’s here to help me compile my dictionary. It’s called The Dictionary of a Gadfly. Do you like the title? It’s a reference to Socrates’s gadfly ethnics.
Don’t know what I’m talking about? Look it up, you ignoramus.
According to Plato, Socrates pointed out that dissent, like the gadfly, is easy to swat, but the cost to society of silencing individuals who are irritating could be high. ‘If you kill a man like me,’ Socrates said, ‘you will injure yourselves more than you will injure me’, because his role was that of a gadfly, ‘to sting people and whip them into a fury, in the service of truth.’
Given that Socrates is in Hades (but you never know with Greeks; they live long) I will be your modern-day gadfly. Don’t whip out the Mortein yet. Hear me out first and make up your own mind.
—Okay, Damascus, are you ready with your Olivetti typewriter?
—It’s Dmetri. Not Demented, not Damascus. Dmetri!
—Yeah, yeah, whatever. One dago name is the same as another.
—Prig. And can I please have an Air Mac or something more modern?
—There’s nothing wrong with a typewriter. Your fingers need the exercise. Besides, there’s no electricity in this cave. I think Barack Obama slept here.
—You mean Osama Bin Laden.
—I know what I mean. Now type. The first word in my world-famous dictionary is:
ABUSE —Nowadays everyone has been ‘abused’, even if it was a half-hearted pinch on the arse, or a wolf whistle, thirty-five years ago. Apparently, they were so traumatised they never got over it. This feeds into the cult of victimhood and second-wave feminism’s belief that women are frail things in need of protection.
—Because people will be offended.
—Who gives a rat’s? Last time I looked I still lived in a democracy.
—Pakistan ain’t no democracy.
—Yeah, yeah. Second word:
AMERICA—A basket case filled with serial killers, televangelists, rapists, racists, pornographers, drug lords, waiters who want to be actors, and reality TV stars who want to rule the world. On the brink of collapse. Even so it insists on being called the land of the free, without a hint of irony.
—What is it now? Did the chapati you had for breakfast disagree with your delicate stomach?
—If people read this, we will be trapped in Pakistan forever.
—I can think of worst places.
BEAUTY—A male construct invented to oppress women. Where that leaves beautiful men, I don’t know.
—That’s better. No one can be offended by that.
—That’s what you think. Fourth word:
BLACKFACE—Further proof that white people want to be black.
—Oh, god! I want the day off. I really don’t feel well.
—Be quiet. You’re lucky you have a job. Fifth word:
CANCEL CULTURE—Practiced by shrieking harpies online who have taken a page out of Stalin and Mao’s respective books.
—Yep, migraine coming on.
COCK—An instrument of oppression. Women fear it, straight men brandish it, and gays worship it.
—No, I’m not. I’m a pessimist. Next:
DONALD TRUMP—Absurdism and Dadaism in the White House.
—Hey, these are getting better.
FEMALE SEXUALITY—Look but don’t touch. Better yet don’t even look.
GAYS—Unnatural, despite the fact that heterosexuals continue to produce them. Must be accepted, unless you’re in the United Arab Emirates, in which case you toss them off a minaret to see if they float. If they hit the ground, they are not gay. If they float, they are gay because all gays are light on their feet.
—Oh god, my headache is coming back.
GENDER NON-CONFORMING— A boring heterosexual who wants a slice of the queer pie so that he/she/they can appear unique and interesting.
—Keep ‘em innocuous, just like that.
JAPAN—A retiring country that makes the world feel guilty about Hiroshima and Nagasaki, while never talking about the Nanjing massacres, prisoner of war camps, the Unit 731 experiments, cannibalism, and other atrocities in Asia Pacific during WWII.
—Because they will set Sadako on us.
MIA FARROW—A nut job who adopts children and screws them up, using techniques she learned in Rosemary’s Baby.
—Even I can’t argue with that one.
MUSLIMS—Fly airplanes that don’t land and love dressing up as Daleks.
—Do I need to remind you we are guests of the Taliban?
—They’ve got a sense of humour. Next:
WHITE PRIVILEGE—No such thing. A racist fabrication…
—That’s it. You’ve gone too far this time. I resign. I’m going to offer myself as a concubine to the first warlord I encounter. They can use my Khyber Pass all they like. But I am not going to facilitate your insane rants any more. Goodbye.
—Come back, you wretch. You can’t survive without me. Besides, no one wants to pluck your old cherry—even out here, where they’re all desperate. Come back, I tell you.
À bientôt, mes amies.
The Sozzled Scribbler was born in the shadow of the Erechtheion in Athens, Greece, to an Egyptian street walker (his father) and a Greek bear wrestler (his mother). He has lived in Istanbul, Rome, London, New Orleans and is currently stateless. He partakes of four bottles of Bombay gin and nine packets of Gauloises cigarettes a day.
Dmetri Kakmi is a writer and editor. His first book, Mother Land, was shortlisted for the New South Wales Premier’s Literary Awards in Australia, and his new book, The Door, will be released in September 2020.