I am in a content, devoted marriage. That’s not the problem. I recently saw a documentary about a man who is married to fifteen inflatable pool animals and was struck with a sense of profound loneliness. This man, with his whale and turtle and unicorn, has a bigger smile than my husband has ever given me. 

I can’t help but fantasize about leaving him and embarking on my own journey of inanimate companionship. 

How can I save my marriage? 

Signed,
Waiting for Inspiration 

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Dear Waiting,

Every marriage reaches crossroads where possibilities abound of what could have been. Marriages face endless challenges requiring compromise. It’s no institution for the fickle or impulsive. Only the strong or insane survive. 

I’m no marriage counselor, but I do know a thing or two about commitment. I once carried a sub-shop punch card in my wallet for an entire year. Fifteen sub purchases earned a free cookie. 

When it finally came time to cash in, I found that the sub shop had closed its doors. You can imagine my immense disappointment. It was yet another fallout from the pandemic, as if we needed the reminder. 

Marriage can yield similar frustrating results. You put years of effort into something, only for it to blow up in your face. But this isn’t the only problem. We’re inclined from childhood to pursue the next best thing. 

Howdy Doody gets tossed to the bottom of the toy chest to make way for a newer, flashier geisha doll (I had a strange childhood). A marriage can end after two days or twenty years. It can happen at any time for any reason, so tread lightly. 

We’re supposed to love our spouse unconditionally and remain monogamous. Those are the rules anyway. That hasn’t stopped us, however, through all human history. 

We’ve seen rulers, cult leaders, and polygamists with multiple wives, grifters marrying aging oil tycoons for their fortune, and men, like your documentary subject, wed inflatable pool animals. It’s all about how one takes the hand dealt to them.

Your inquiries are justified. It’s okay to fantasize. The average person spends 36% of their life engaging in fantasies. I read that somewhere. For instance, I fantasize I’m home while stuck in traffic, and when I’m home, I fantasize about being a Roman Gladiator. Nothing wrong with that. 

I’m glad you’re content and devoted to your marriage. Be warned that the urge to walk away from it all in pursuit of other fulfillment is never far from our collective paths. We do this with jobs, personal goals, and cell phone carriers all the time. Some people never look back. 

I knew a multiple divorcee who could barely remember the names of her previous five husbands. She didn’t spend much time thinking of the past. Meanwhile, I’m still heartbroken over my breakup with Betsy Reynolds in the fifth grade. 

Most of us are weird and damaged, except Mennonites. Those people have it together. It’s also important to remember that the inflatable-loving man is most likely engaging in a fetish. The longevity of such pursuits is questionable at best, but I can understand the appeal. 

Incorporate your own fetishes into your marriage. There are more than enough inanimate objects to go around. It’s time to get freaky. I’m hopeful that hubby is along for the ride. If not, throw him to the curb and go to Vegas. Most marriages there can be annulled before the Honeymoon.

_______

Dr. Perfect has slung advice across the globe for the last two decades due to his dedication to the uplift of the human condition.