Dear Dr. Perfect, 

My husband told me he planned to train our labradoodle, which at first was welcome news because Petunia was awfully high-strung. But it turns out he meant he was training her to sing opera.

I had my doubts, but he was successful.

But now he is training her to sing German opera. As in Wagner.   

What can I do?

Signed,

Crushed under Valkyries

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Dear Crushed,

Pardon the delay. I was on sabbatical at a wellness retreat in San Diego. Sometimes, I like to surrender to the peace and tranquility of a four-star nudist resort.

I saw your letter and was immediately intrigued. Is Petunia any good?

Your husband’s been delivering secret singing lessons like some cross between Doctor Dolittle and Mr. Holland’s Opus. Has he been teaching fractions to emus or assembling an insect marching band?

I once taught my cat, Copernicus, how to sing show tunes. Franky, Cope was awful, making noises most often associated with feral alley cats. Yet she could jitterbug, Crushed. This was before the hairball incident that ended her career.

After Copernicus, I vowed no more pets, but I couldn’t resist purchasing one of those robotical dogs who can backflip. My robot dog can do anything. He can fetch my slippers, turn on lights via Bluetooth, and play my favorite Spotify tracks. He can even fill in for me writing advice columns.

I realize the Wagner is more than you can bear. If Petunia is singing exclusively in German, though, you can try to shift the composer to Mozart, some of whose operas use his native language. Take Petunia for walks and train her sub rosa. See what happens. Send me audio.

If your husband refuses to compromise, have you considered crying and screaming at him?

Marriage is the art of compromise over the long curve of time. 

If no brief, immediate solutions arise, then get additional pets—namely 50 or so octopi. Then teach them to play John Philip Souza. Within a week, your husband will feed himself to your cephalopod army.

Then Petunia can transition to Italian opera. Your marriage will then be perfect.

Dr. Perfect has slung advice across the globe for the last two decades due to his dedication to the uplift of the human condition.