In Boozo Veritas #17 by Teege Braune
Please Read Responsibly
It has come to my attention that some people believe that In Boozo Veritas promotes alcoholism. While I appreciate the community’s comments and concerns, I feel that these criticisms are the product of a gross misunderstanding. It is true that personally I have not always done my drinking in a responsible manner; nevertheless, I have never encouraged anyone else to get wasted. More often than not, I have urged friends to and acquaintances to drink less by way of suggesting they spend their booze money on me. Why imbibe in another adult beverage that is only likely to get you into trouble when you can promote a local blog that is quickly gaining praise and recognition by buying me that drink instead? The next day you will awake with a gratifying sense of personal accomplishment that you supported Orlando’s arts and literature instead of the hangover you’d be nursing if you had indulged in all that alcohol yourself.
Secondly, I would like to come out and publicly announce that I never drink and drive. Most nights of bar-hopping and heavy drinking I utilize the services of my personal valet Mr. Ives whose duties include transporting me from one watering hole to the next. If Ives, the old scamp, helps himself to a stiff night cap while he waits in the van, I am usually too inebriated by the time we make our way back home to notice or care. On nights when Ives is too drunk before we’ve even left the apartment to get me to my first stop, we have been known to hop on the old tandem bike we reserve specifically for these occasions. With Ives manning the handlebars, me carrying my own weight, peddling furiously behind him, we are sure to arrive at our destination safely.
I will also make it clear that In Boozo Veritas, because of its explicit content, is only intended for adult readers. In cinematic terms, a rating of R or NC-17 should be implied for every article. If my writing is finding its way into the hands of your child or teenager, I can only chalk that up to your negligent parenting and accept no fault of my own. If you know of any minors who insist on reading In Boozo Veritas, please take away their computers and encourage more age-appropriate diversions such as Grand Theft Auto. I will not be held responsible for any murders or suicides that result from young people reading this blog!
As for the rest of you, you are all adults capable of making your own decisions. As my proprietor John King is paying me copious amounts of money to produce this weekly blog, I must continue to drink heavily as a necessary aspect of my career. In fact, I even submit my bar tabs as a tax write-off. Remember that I am a professional. Just because tales of my own debauchery appear glamorized in these brief essays, it does not mean that your own intoxication won’t end in disaster. Who, after an intense molar cleanse and cavity filling, hasn’t returned home with a disparaging sense of ennui, longing to engage in the romantic mysteries of the dental profession? But we resist the urge, knowing the lives that may be lost when the uninitiated so much as attempt a flossing.
In conclusion, I will encourage you, my reader, to keep in mind that all my drinking is in the service of a greater good: namely, literacy, which has reached unfortunate lows in this great nation. Even once popular fantasy series Henry Porter is now in threat of going out of print. Today’s public would rather watch heart-throb Daniel Radcliffe than read about Porter’s adventures for themselves. This is precisely why I have turned down multiple offers from various Hollywood studios to adapt In Boozo Veritas into a multimillion dollar motion picture with premature hints at an Oscar nod. We are currently in the midst of a heated debate here at the In Boozo Veritas office over whether or not to meet with HBO executives who are eagerly pursuing our okay to green-light a new series based on the trials and tribulations that I have presented in these posts. We aren’t sure we would like to invite comparisons to other blog-inspired television programs like Sex and the City, and besides, who would be cast to portray yours truly, Sarah Jessica Parker? I, for one, am not convinced she could master my signature swagger. More importantly, though, is my concern that you, my faithful audience, would cease to read these articles if you could, with less effort than it require to login to your Facebook page, watch some gorgeous Hollywood celebrity live my life, so for now you will have to make your way to The Drunken Odyssey to see what kind of mischief I’ve cooked up this week, and if you see me out on the town, don’t hesitate to buy me a bourbon, scotch, or beer. I’m not picky, and your charity may prove a tax deductible feeling of goodwill.
Teege Braune (episode 72) is a writer of literary fiction, horror, essays, and poetry. Recently he has discovered the joys of drinking responsibly. He may or may not be a werewolf.