Dear Dr. Perfect,

I want to lose weight, but it’s so much work for me to actually do it. Someone told me to get peck and calve implants. Can you help me decide if I should get any, in prose that’s easy to read? 

Signed, 

A Lazy Person

—————

Dear LP,

Losing weight is hard, even when you’re perfect like me. We’re expected to count calories, avoid carbs, and exercise rigorously. What is this madness?

Did we lose a war? 

We eat too much, we gain weight. We don’t eat enough, our bodies store away the fat. Processed foods are unhealthy. Red meat is bad for the heart. Sugar substitutes are bad. Sugar is bad. Three glasses of brandy at breakfast are bad, and so on. I can’t keep up with it all.

The USDA’s Food Pyramid was once a source of nutritional guidance until debunked as food industry propaganda. They tell us breakfast is the most important meal of the day and then say scrambled eggs and bacon lead to heart disease. 

They tell us to have grapefruit instead but to go light on the sugar. Have you ever had grapefruit without sugar? It’s disgusting.

I used to maintain an impeccable body fat percentage, but endless cocktail parties have taken their toll. I’ve since implemented a steady gym routine that lasts a few weeks after the New Year. Going to the gym is a mixed bag. People are everywhere, grunting and groaning like something out of a Caligula stage play. 

Last time at the gym, I saw a man furiously doing squats in the mirror. He set up camp right in front of the exercise bike, where I sat. I couldn’t look away if I tried. He curled kettlebells, dropped to the ground for endless pushups, and then leapt to his feet for jump roping. 

His insane routine lasted over an hour. Granted, the man was in great shape, but I told myself that the positive results of something so stupid- looking wasn’t worth it. I prefer to peddle away on my exercise bike and lose half the calories with my dignity intact.

And what of gym etiquette? Is there such a thing today? There are machine hogs who treat the leg press as their personal recliner. Others sit at the incline press, oblivious to impatient glares as they swipe at their cell phones. Forrest Gump didn’t sit on the bench as long as these people take! 

Then there’re these workout groups of four or five. Just cross out whatever machine they’re at from your list. I’ve also noticed an increasing number of men far too comfortable with being nude in the sauna. There are these things called bath towels. Most gyms even provide them free of charge. 

Admittedly, I’ve glanced at some women in the gym. Not a leer or gawk, just a simple glance and move on. I was once approached by an attractive woman in tight spandex. I immediately increased the weights on the barbell and put forth my best primal grunts. She stood over me, cupping her chin. 

“Aren’t you that insufferable columnist?” she asked. 

“Guilty as charged,” I said, flashing a smile. 

She then pulled out pocket notebook and pen. “I don’t like your politics, but I can’t pass up a chance for an autograph.”

“Politics?” I asked.

“Yeah,” she said. “Aren’t you George Will?”

Few people know this, but George Will is ripped.

Pectoral implants could do wonders, but you’ll likely need to exercise regularly to maintain the initial post-surgery results. It’s the same thing with the calves. Implant don’t work like they did in The Bionic Man.

Like a lottery winner blowing their new-found fortune, some just aren’t meant for the wealth of the mind, body, and soul. These people far outnumber all the pesky overachievers out there. 

Relax with a record and ice cream sundae in your favorite chair.

Life’s too short to have it any other way.

_______

Dr. Perfect has slung advice across the globe for the last two decades due to his dedication to the uplift of the human condition.