The Perfect Life

  • The Perfect Life #56

    Dear Dr. Perfect,  If you heat up peanut butter at 105 degrees, does it cure Alzheimer’s? My mom’s friend’s boyfriend, whose daughter is a doctor, told me that’s preposterous. Can you settle this debate whether this is true or not?  Signed, Curious Individual  ———— You’ve come to the right place. Dr. Perfect is here to… Continue reading

  • The Perfect Life #55

    The Perfect Life #55

    Dear Dr. Perfect, I’m in love with my cousin. Only thing is, I’m afraid to tell him because he might think I’m a cliché. Do I risk it to get the biscuit? Signed,  Family over Everything  ————— Dear FoE, Is this Jerry Lee Lewis? Sorry, couldn’t help myself. I’ll save the Woody Allen jokes for… Continue reading

  • The Perfect Life #54

    The Perfect Life #54

    Dear Dr. Perfect, My fiancé just dyed his hair cotton candy blue, which will clash with the dog collar I intend to surprise him with at our wedding ceremony. How can I dye his hair back to black without him knowing?  Signed, Determined  ———– Greetings, Big D. The lead-up to any wedding is crucial to… Continue reading

  • The Perfect Life #53

    The Perfect Life #53

    Dear Dr. Perfect, Why didn’t Ayn Rand ever become president?  Signed, Confused ——————– Dearest Confused, For someone who escaped Soviet communism at an early age, Ayn Rand sure was preachy. She should have been satisfied enough with the western decadence before her. Instead, she unleashed her Objectivist philosophy on an unsuspecting populous in the form… Continue reading

  • The Perfect Life #52

    The Perfect Life #52

    The Perfect Life #52 by Dr. Perfect I ran over my neighbor’s Pomeranian whilst backing out of my driveway. They’ve hired a lawyer and commenced legal proceedings even though I used every normal precaution when backing out. They are claiming that I am morally and financially responsible since the dog was asleep in their living… Continue reading

  • The Perfect Life #51: The Silly Little Lovesong of J. Alfred Prufrock

    The Perfect Life #51 by Dr. Perfect Why does everyone keep reciting “The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock” around St. Valentine’s Day? And why does everyone from my grandmother to the mailman keep gifting me peaches? Is everyone suffering through this wretched holiday via literary bullying like me, or am I the only one? … Continue reading

  • The Perfect Life #50: Bad Bees and Worse Neighbors

    The Perfect Life #50 by Dr. Perfect Dear Dr. Perfect, My next-door neighbors’ bees suck the pollen from my flowers. Can I sue them for percentage of the resulting honey? Can I kill my neighbors as a form of back payment? And should I hire a lawyer if I’ve already done so?  Yours in peace,… Continue reading

  • The Perfect Life #49: We are All Stars, Aren’t We?

    The Perfect Life #49 Dear Dr. Perfect, Why won’t Ben Affleck respond to my emails? So far, I’ve been very patient with him.  Inquisitively, A saint ——————- Dear Saint, I went through the same thing with George C. Scott, but these were letters, so it was different. Back then, even the strangest correspondence at least… Continue reading

  • The Perfect Life #48: Zooming Towards a Breakdown

    The Perfect Life #48 by Dr. Perfect Dear Dr. Perfect, I don’t know how much longer I can remain employable due to the existential terrors of work meetings.  There I am in a zoom meeting, not doing the work that is stressing me out, me stressing out about waiting to stress out about the stress… Continue reading

  • The Perfect Life #47: We’re All Mad Here

    The Perfect Life #47 by Dr. Perfect We’re All Mad Here Dear Dr. Perfect, Ever since I saw Bedlam (1946) when I was five, I dreamed of being committed to an asylum. A life free from the stress of how to live seemed like a utopian dream. This impression was later cemented when I was 13 and… Continue reading


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