As many of you know, I had lost my Beanie Baby collection due to that fracas at the Museum of Schlock. But that’s okay. I have a new obsession. Labubu! I just love those little rascals. I have Tycoco, Lychee Berry, Green Grape, Puca, Zizi, and Zymomo. I built a custom oak shelf above my bed and placed each one on it. I swear they watch me as I sleep.

Tonight’s movie is 1984’s The NeverEnding Story from director Wolfgang Peterson. I guess this is another one of those movies that scarred me as a child. While the hate for children in the United States during the 1980s wasn’t as intense as it was in the 1970s, that didn’t stop major movie studios from inflicting bizarre fantasy adventures with talking dog dragons! But when you were lucky enough to grow up with cable and a Showtime, you watched what was on TV no matter how weird.

Our movie begins with a little dweeb named Bastian who is in a bit of a rut due to the death of his mother. His yuppie dad tells him to get over it while he downs about a dozen raw eggs. On his way to school, local bullies force Bastian into a trash bin and when he gets out of it, they chase after him again. He loses them by running into an old bookstore where the crotchety owner exclaims, “I don’t like kids.” Bastian then rattles off all of the books he’s read, but the owner scoffs at the likes of Tarzan of the Apes and 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea, calling them safe stories. The book he has on his desk, The NeverEnding Story is not safe and is not for the likes of Bastian. Naturally, he steals the book.

When Bastian arrives at school, he sees his classmates taking a math test he did not prepare for so he decides to hide out in the old theater room. He begins to read the book and we in the audience are transported to a magical world called Fantasia with stone giants that eat rocks, snails that race, and narcoleptic bats. Unfortunately, the entire world is steadily being ripped to shreds by a force known as “The Nothing.” The only one who can stop “The Nothing” is the Childlike Empress, but she has fallen ill. Therefore, it falls upon the brave warrior Atreyu and his trusty steed, Artax, to quest for a cure.

I’m going to cut to the chase. Atreyu fails miserably at every step of the way. He manages to get his horse drowned, gets sneezed on by a giant turtle, and narrowly escapes being eaten by a wolf when he’s rescued by Falkor, a luck dragon who resembles a Chinese dragon with a dog’s head attached. And I’m getting some weird vibes from this creature that makes me feel uncomfortable, the sort of uncomfortable that belongs in an A24 film. There’s some fourth wall breaking ahead and I think a sermon about the power of human imagination. I never liked this movie, but I would always watch it when it was on Showtime. That’s just what you did back in the 80s. If it was on TV, you just watched it. Sure beat going outside into the sunlight.

Jeff Shuster (episode 47, episode 102, episode 124, episode 131, episode 284, episode 441, episode 442, episode 443, episode 444, episode 450, episode 477, episode 491, episode 492, episode 493, episode 495, episode 496, episode 545, episode 546, episode 547, episode 548, episode 549, episode 575, episode 596, episode 597, episode 598, episode 599, episode 642, episode 643, episode 644, episode 645, episode 670, episode 686, episode 687,  688, and 689) is an MFA graduate from the University of Central Florida.