The Curator of Schlock #290: Lola

13 Friday Sep 2019

Posted by thedrunkenodyssey in Film, The Curator of Schlock

Tags

Charles Bronson, Lola, Richard Donner, Susan George, The Curator of Schlock, Twinky

The Curator of Schlock #290 by Jeff Shuster

Lola

I think you’re growing up too soon, girl.

I don’t like it when box art lies. This goes back to the days of Mom & Pop video rental palaces, when you’d see some movie you’ve never heard of with an intriguing cover only to be disappointed when you popped it in the VCR when you got home. This brings us to tonight’s movie, 1969’s Lola from director Richard Donner (of Superman fame).

Look at this DVD cover.

Lola1

We have Charles Bronson in a coat brandishing a pistol. This brings to mind Paul Kersey, the vigilante from the Death Wish movies, but there’s one big problem. Charles Bronson doesn’t have a mustache, nor does he brandish a gun in this movie. The back of the case claims that the movie was directed by John Sturges, but it was, in fact, directed by Richard Donner. The backs reads, “Charles Bronson, Susan George, and Trevor Howard star in this gritty portrayal of a man struggling to keep his demons at bay.” Nope. Again, I’m not seeing it.

This is a goofy 60s comedy about a thirty-eight year-old man dating a sixteen-year-old girl.

Lola5

Susan George plays Lola (also known as Twinky in some versions), a sixteen-year-old English girl who just happens to be having intimate relations with Scott Wardman (Charles Bronson), a close to middle-aged writer of pornographic fiction who’s living in a London flat. Lola tells Scott that she spilled the beans to her parents, and her father is furious. Scott asks her what the age of consent is in England. She says it’s sixteen, but England can still deport Scott or send him to jail for other reasons. Lola consulted the family lawyer on this. Scott chases Lola out the apartment, but then chases after her. They decide to get married in Scotland, where a man can marry a sixteen-year-old girl. Problem solved!

Lola

What am I watching here? The movie presents this situation as cute and zany. I wasn’t alive in ’69. I’m not that clear on what the social norms were, but I’m surprised that at no point in this movie do we find an angry mob surrounding Scott and beating him to death. Maybe if John Sturges had directed this movie.

Lola2

Lola’s father says their marriage won’t work out. Lola’s mother seems more sympathetic and wishes them the best. I can’t help, but notice how attractive Lola’s mother is. Then I realize she is none other than Honor Blackman (Pussy Galore from Goldfinger). There’s a theme song for Lola that’s sung by Jim Dale, the narrator of the Harry Potter books, that I mistook for a lost Dave Clark Five track.

Lola 2

Scott and Lola move to New York City where Scott begins a career as a failed novelist. Scott is required to enroll Lola in high school, as it is the law.

I keep imagining there’s an alternative version of this movie where Lola falls in love with the captain of the football team and asks Scott to drive them to prom.

Anyway, Lola leaves Scott a Dear John letter after they get into a fight over her cat.

The end.

What does it all mean? This movie is messing with my head.

Photo by Leslie Salas.

Jeff Shuster (episode 47, episode 102, episode 124, episode 131, and episode 284) is an MFA graduate from the University of Central Florida.

The Curator of Schlock #289: The Evil That Men Do

06 Friday Sep 2019

Posted by thedrunkenodyssey in The Curator of Schlock

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Charles Bronson, The Evil That Men Do

The Curator of Schlock #289 by Jeff Shuster

The Evil That Men Do

Charles Bronson returns to the Museum of Schlock!

It seems like only yesterday that I began this blog. I remember that one September five years ago when I covered all five Death Wish movies.

Oh, wait. It was six years ago.

Six years of my life spent apart from Charles Bronson.

How did I let this happen? Time to rectify this misfire on my part. Time to partake in the second greatest mustache in cinema history (first place goes to Franco Nero). September is Charles Bronson Month here at the Museum of Schlock!

Evil1

1984’s The Evil That Men Do from director J. Lee Thompson features men doing evil things to other men. But if Charles Bronson is doing the evil things, are they really evil? Charles Bronson is America’s vigilante, and who doesn’t love a vigilante? To hate Charles Bronson is to hate America itself.

The movie begins with a Welsh gentleman named Clement Molloch (Joseph Maher) who goes by the moniker, “The Doctor.” They call him the Doctor because he is a real medical doctor, but he uses his medical expertise to perfect methods of torture to be used by any South American dictator with the money for his services.

Evil2

I mean this guy’s methods are disgusting. The Doctor is kind of the guru of torture. The movie begins with him electrocuting Jorge Hidalgo, a reporter who’s been investigating him. Any of you ever watch that Nickelodeon show Mr. Wizard? Remember the episode where he used electricity to cook hot dogs for lunch? This is kind of like that except with a real live human being.

Some Israelis try to assassinate the Doctor, rig a car bomb in his car, but the operation goes awry and the Doctor gets away again. A man named Hector travels to the Cayman Islands to convince a retired CIA assassin named Holland (Charles Bronson) to come out of retirement and kill The Doctor.

Evil3

The Doctor is fairly evil. In fact, I might go as far to say he’s Kidnap Syndicate evil. Holland says he’s retired and doesn’t do that sort of thing anymore, but it’s not long before he flies out to Guatemala to take out the Doctor. Holland tells Hector that he wants to pose as a family man. He’ll need a pretend wife and a pretend child. Hector hooks him up with Rhiana (Theresa Saldana), the deceased reporter’s wife, and their young daughter, Sarah.

Evil4

The two of them manage to catch a glimpse of the doctor at a local cockfight. Holland decides the best pathway to the Doctor is through the men who work for him. He tracks Randolph (Raymond St. Jacques), a burley man in charge of the Doctor’s communications. Holland follows Randall to the US Ambassador’s office. It seems that the Doctor has blackmailed Paul Briggs (John Glover of TV’s Smallville), the U.S. Ambassador of Guatemala, into aiding his nefarious activities.

There’s some throat slitting and ball crushing as Holland works his way through the Doctor’s organization. He manages to kidnap the Doctor’s sister in an effort to root him out of hiding. I’m not going to spoil the ending for you, but if you think the Doctor is making it to the end of this movie without a painful and humiliating death, you don’t know Charles Bronson.

Photo by Leslie Salas.

Jeff Shuster (episode 47, episode 102, episode 124, episode 131, and episode 284) is an MFA graduate from the University of Central Florida.

The Curator of Schlock #288: Delirium

30 Friday Aug 2019

Posted by thedrunkenodyssey in Film, The Curator of Schlock

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

Delirium, Giallo, Lamberto Bava, Serena Grandi

The Curator of Schlock #288 by Jeff Shuster

Delirium

That will be the title of my memoir.

Week Five of Giallo Month here at The Museum of Schlock. What do you want me to say? I’m all gialloed out this point.

But I will persevere.

It’s usually around this point that I tell myself I will never do another Giallo Month. Of course, this is a lie. All it will take is for The House With the Laughing Windows or The Strange Vice of Mrs. Wardh to show up on streaming or on Blu-ray and I’ll be putty in Edwige Fenech’s hands again.

In fact, if Severin Films give them the royal treatment like All the Colors of the Dark, I’ll be a very happy man. That one came with a soundtrack CD.

Yes, I listen to Giallo soundtracks. Don’t make fun.

Tonight’s movie, Delirium, features tracks by Simon Boswell. He used to work with The Sex Pistols and Echo and the Bunnymen. Maybe you’ve heard of those bands.

Delirium1

1987’s Delirium from director Lamberto Bava is interesting to watch since I’m more used to watching Gialli from the 70s, but the Italian movie industry kept moving along until it fell on hard times in the early 90s. Anyway, the movie begins and we’re treated to a barrage of synth rock and photos of naked ladies. The movie stars Serena Grandi as Gloria, a fierce and beautiful young woman who happens to run a very popular men’s lifestyle and entertainment magazine called Pussycat. Gloria may have been a prostitute prior to marrying her late husband, the owner of the magazine. I’m assuming he was a Hugh Hefner type whose bum ticker finally tocked itself out.

Gloria would seem to have it all: a talented staff of photographers and models, a big fancy mansion, and a teenage paraplegic neighbor named Mark who makes obscene phone calls.

Delirium4

But this wouldn’t be a Giallo without a little bit of murder. One night, one of Gloria’s models, Kim, gets stabbed in the stomach with a pitchfork and falls into Gloria’s swimming pool. However, the next morning, no body is found. Turns out the killer dumped Kim’s mutilated body into a dumpster, but not before taking photos of her corpse in front of a blown up photo of Gloria.

Delirium2

In a later scene, the killer is dressed in a beekeeper’s suit. The killer seals off the doors and windows in this one model’s house, into which he releases a torrent of bees. Hundreds of bees sting the naked model as she’s drying herself off from a shower. To add insult to injury, the killer squirts honey into her hair.

Delirium3

More murders happen. The killer is obsessed with Gloria. He stalks her in an empty department store, killing her brother and his girlfriend who were giving her an after hours tour. Gloria swears she heard a woman’s voice taunting her, but the police are zeroing in on a male suspect, Tony, the photographer. He gets run over by a car before police can question him, but they consider the case closed after that.

Or is it?

Here’s an interesting tidbit. Serena Grandi is known as the Dolly Parton of Italy. This is odd in that she never sang country music.

Photo by Leslie Salas.

Jeff Shuster (episode 47, episode 102, episode 124, episode 131, and episode 284) is an MFA graduate from the University of Central Florida.

The Curator of Schlock #287: Death Laid an Egg

23 Friday Aug 2019

Posted by thedrunkenodyssey in Film, The Curator of Schlock, Uncategorized

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

Death Laid an Egg, Ewa Aulin, Giallo, Gina Lollobrigida

The Curator of Schlock #287 by Jeff Shuster

Death Laid an Egg

So did the director.

Week 4 of Giallo Month is here. Are you entertained? Did you know that over 400 gialli were made over there in Italy? Do you think I’m getting through all of them in this lifetime? I don’t think so. And you’d better believe that I’m going to try to watch as many of these through streaming services. But the trouble with services like Amazon Prime is that they giveth and taketh away. I planned to review Torso this month, but it’s no longer available. I planned on reviewing Eye in the Labyrinth this month, but every time I click on it to play, no dice. But never fear, I’ve found a replacement.

egg1

Tonight’s movie is 1968’s Death Laid an Eggfrom director Giulio Questi. If you ever wanted to spend ninety minutes in an automated chicken farm, then this is the movie for you!

Oh, man. I’ve got about three hundred and fifty more words to go.

How did I get here?

I am not finding myself in my beautiful house with my beautiful wife. Instead, I find myself watching a late 60s Italian poultry fetish movie at two in the morning. I can get through this. I can do it.

Death Laid an Egg starts out with a man named Marco (Jean-Louis Trintignant) meeting up with a woman in a hotel room. The woman is a prostitute and Marco mustn’t like prostitutes since he starts slicing her up with a straight razor. Later, Marco goes into an office building to figure out the best way to advertise chickens. You see, Marco co-manages a chicken farm with his sexy wife, Anna (Gina Lollobrigida). The chicken farm was recently automated which resulted in the plant workers being let go from their jobs.

egg2

Anna and Marco live an idyllic life on the chicken farm. They have a palatial estate, a fancy swimming pool, and separate beds to sleep in so they don’t hog each other’s covers at night. Anna also let her down-on-her luck cousin, Gabri (Ewa Aulin), stay with them. Gabri happens to be a young, pretty blonde woman and attracts the attention of Marco. The two begin having an affair. Marco wants to run away with her, start his life over with her, but Gabri refuses.

egg4

Meanwhile, Anna is obsessed with breeding the perfect chicken. She has bioengineers working to achieve this. Eventually, chickens are hatched that have no heads or wings, but are full of meat with few bones. Marco considers them an abomination. Anna thinks they are the chicken of tomorrow and can’t wait to showcase them before the Poultry Commission, but Marco destroys them before she gets the chance. This puts Marco in hot water with the Poultry Commission. You could say his goose is cooked.

egg3

What am I watching here? I want to see horrific murders being committed by a psychopath with black gloves, trench coat, and fedora. I don’t want a diatribe on the dehumanizing effects of automation.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have the hankering for some chicken salad.

Photo by Leslie Salas.

Jeffrey Shuster (episode 47, episode 102, episode 124, episode 131, and episode 284) is an MFA graduate from the University of Central Florida.

The Curator of Schlock #286: Weekend Murders

16 Friday Aug 2019

Posted by thedrunkenodyssey in Film, The Curator of Schlock

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Giallo, Grantchester, Masterpiece Mystery, Michele Lupo, The Weekend Murders

The Curator of Schlock #286 by Jeff Shuster

Weekend Murders

What are you doing this weekend?

Anyone catch the latest season of Grantchester, the gem of Masterpiece Mystery on PBS? This season was a tsunami of mystery and heartache. Reverend Sidney Chambers fell in love with a woman of color visiting from the American South during the Civil Rights movement. He moved to America to be with her. Leonard was struggling with his role of curate while trying to keep his homosexuality a secret. DI Geordie had to contend with his wife working as a sales associate at a fancy new department store in town. Oh, and Geordie’s wife ends up getting sexually harassed by a coworker resembling Orson Welles. And let’s not forget about new vicar of Grantchester, Will Davenport, a dashing young man with his own dark secrets. But I’m wasting my time, aren’t I? None of you want to hear me talk about fine British television. Such is my lot in life.

Weekend2

This week’s Giallo is 1970’s The Weekend Murders from director Michele Lupo. Like Grantchester, The Weekend Murders takes its cues from the British cozy, the quaint mysteries that take place in the country as opposed to the big city. Sure, a murder or two may take place, but at least the surroundings are pleasant. The movie begins with an English bobby named Sgt. Aloisius Thorpe (Gastone Moschin) cycling through the English village of Somerleyton. He’s a rather goofy looking chap, complete with a bobby mustache and big teeth. He looks like the kind of bobby they make lamps out of.

bobby

Anyway, Sgt. Thorpe rides through town on his bicycle. He rides up next to a milk truck, pops one of the bottles open, drinks his fill, and pays the driver. I’ve never seen that in a movie. He then travels to a golf course where some well-to-do members of the gentry are enjoying a game until one of them finds a hand sticking up out of the sand trap. Someone’s been murdered! The movie then sets us back a couple of days where we’re introduced to these well-to-do members of the gentry, showing up at a rich estate to find out about their inheritance. The old geezer bequeaths his prized flowers to Sgt. Thorpe, who openly weeps to the disgust of various playboys, snobs, and a prodigal daughter or two. Everyone else gets nothing with the exception of the old geezer’s niece, Barbara (Anna Moffo), who inherits the estate.

Of course, if Barbara were to die, the estate with be divided evenly among the remaining family members. Naturally, bodies start showing up. I think the first is the family butler, ruling him out as a murder suspect. I think someone points that out in the movie, so it’s not that funny.

Scotland Yard sends over their finest detective, Inspector Grey (Lance Percival), to solve the case. The rest of the movie shows off the sublime incompetence of Detective Grey counterbalanced with surprising ingenuity of Sgt. Thorpe. Together they’ll get to the bottom of the murders. This is an odd one, an Giallo movie rife with English stereotypes, but I enjoyed it … though not as much as Grantchester.

The Weekend Murders is streaming on Amazon Prime.

Photo by Leslie Salas.

Jeffrey Shuster (episode 47, episode 102, episode 124, episode 131, and episode 284) is an MFA graduate from the University of Central Florida.

The Curator of Schlock #285: Seven Deaths in the Cat’s Eye

09 Friday Aug 2019

Posted by thedrunkenodyssey in Film, The Curator of Schlock

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Giallo, Seven Deaths in the Cat’s Eye

The Curator of Schlock #285 by Jeff Shuster

Seven Deaths in the Cat’s Eye

Orangutan at Dragonstone Castle

It’s week 2 of Giallo Month here at the Museum of Schlock. I spent a small fortune on some jars of bathwater taken from the bathtub scene from The Case of the Bloody Iris, the scene where that one model jumped up naked from the bubble bath. I did this purely for research purposes and not for some sick fetish I’m too ashamed to admit in public. I may put these jars on display, but I can’t promise anything. I’m so lonely.

Cat1

Tonight’s fine specimen of Italian cinema is 1973’s Seven Deaths in the Cat’s Eye from director Antonio Margheriti (whose glorious name is an easter egg in Tarantino’s Inglorious Basterds).

The flick starts out with a man being murdered. I think he’s getting cut up with a razor blade. A big fluffy cat looks on with bemusement. You could say the cat is eyeing the death. Six deaths to go!

Seven Deaths in the Cat’s Eye 4

The movie takes place in this castle on an island off the coast of England, Scotland, or some British country. Oh, and the castle is full of rats too. They make short work out of the corpse mentioned above. If you ever wanted to see rats chewing off a dead guy’s face, this is the movie for you.

Cat2

Okay. The protagonist of our cinematic journey is Corringa (Jane Birkin), a beautiful young woman who was away at boarding school, but left abruptly after she upset the nuns. As she’s getting dropped off at her family home, Dragonstone Castle, we see a deformed orangutan peeking out at her through one of the castle windows. Forget about the serial killer, there’s an orangutan loose in the castle! I’ll take my chances with the serial killer!

Seven Deaths in the Cat’s Eye 2

We get a dinner scene with a bunch of potential suspects and victims. We’ve got Dr. Franz (Anton Differing), the family headshrinker who must be on call because these rich families always have a few screws loose due to inbreeding. There’s Padre Robertson (Venantino Venantini), the family’s Catholic Priest who must also be on call to hear a few confessions. Oh, and Corringa has a mad cousin named Lord James MacGrieff (Hiram Keller) whols a potential love interest for her when he isn’t being rude and drinking his dinner. Another guest is a French teacher named Suzanne (Doris Kuntsmann) who was hired as a potential mistress for mad Lord James, but she ended up having an affair with Dr. Franz who is also dating one of the older Ladies of the castle, Corringa’s mother or mad Lord James’s mother.

Seven Deaths in the Cat's Eye 5

Are you following all of this? Can you explain it to me?

Bodies start piling up. Who could the killer be?

Seven Deaths in the Cat’s Eye 3

I know exactly what you’re thinking.

It’s the orangutan, but that’s too easy. Also, why would an orangutan go to the trouble of using a razor blade to kill someone? Unless, it’s a killer dressed up as an orangutan. What a brilliant idea. You could dress up as an orangutan, kill some people the way a human being would, and no one would ever suspect you. I think I just came up with the perfect crime. Do me a favor and don’t tell anyone.

Seven Deaths in the Cat’s Eye can be found on Amazon Prime streaming.

Photo by Leslie Salas

Jeffrey Shuster (episode 47, episode 102, episode 124, episode 131, and episode 284) is an MFA graduate from the University of Central Florida.

The Curator of Schlock #284: The Case of the Bloody Iris

02 Friday Aug 2019

Posted by thedrunkenodyssey in Film, The Curator of Schlock

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Carla Brait, Edwige Fenech, Giallo, Giuliano Carnimeo, The Case of the Bloody Iris

The Curator of Schlock #284 by Jeff Shuster

The Case of the Bloody Iris

It’s a bloody good time.

The Museum of Schlock is long overdue for an exhibit of Giallo, those wonderful Italian combinations of murder mystery and horror.

I’ve got my black gloves, trench coat, fedora, and black nylon facemask ready to go. Hey, just because a man dresses in such manner that doesn’t make him a serial killer. Don’t be so shallow.

Bloody1-2

1972’s The Case of the Bloody Iris from director Giuliano Carnimeo is a tour de force of sex, murder, and madness. The radiant Edwige Fenech portrays Jennifer Osterman, a young model who used to belong to a New Age cult, and by New Age, I mean Satanic.

Okay. Maybe that’s too far. Who am I too judge?

What am I judging?

This one guy from the cult married Jennifer, but then insisted that she be shared with the other men of the cult. I guess the orgy lifestyle wasn’t for Jennifer so she left the cult for the glamorous career of a fashion model. Her husband didn’t like that so he stalks her.

Oh, and the movie begins with a murder in an elevator. One of the models in the upper level apartments gets her throat slit. Another model named Mizar Harrington (Carla Brait) sees the corpus delicti in the elevator, but can’t be bothered to call the police because she must get ready for a show. In this show, Mizar stands on a stage and demands that one of the hot and bothered men in the crowd try to catch her and dominate her. If they can do this, Mizar will be his slave, ready to do whatever her captor wants.

None of the men in the audience can subdue her, but later that night, a psychopath wearing a trench coat, leather gloves, fedora, and black nylon facemask ties her up and drowns her in own bathtub.

Bloody2-2

The apartment gets rented to Jennifer and her friend Marilyn (Paola Quattrini). During a dinner party with a gentleman friend of Jennifer’s, Marilyn pretends to have drowned in the bathtub, only to spring up naked and laughing at the two of them. Pretty funny. I would be a little creeped out taking a bath in tub someone was drowned to death in, but Marilyn thinks it’s a lark. Jennifer’s gentleman friend is Andrea Antinori (George Hilton), a rich and handsome man who gets paralyzed by the sight of blood.

What else? We have a Police Commissioner Enci (Giampiero Albertini) who is busy trying to solve the murders when he’s not getting all liquored up. He sends his incompetent assistant Redi (Franco Agostini) to keep an eye on Jennifer. Redi witnesses Jennifer and Andrea eating at a fine restaurant while he’s stuck with a sad sandwich. While stuck in his sad stakeout car, Redi spies on Andrea’s fancy house as Andrea and Jennifer make mad, passionate love inside. None of this is getting the police any closer to catching the murderer.

Bloody4

Who is the murderer? Could it be Jennifer’s obsessive ex-husband who thinks that Jennifer belongs to him (and the other creep-o men in the cult)?

Could it be the demented son of the old lady who lives in the apartment next door to Jennifer, the guy who reads all of those disgusting horror comics?

Or could it be Andrea, the perfect man who seems to have a problem with the sight of blood due to him getting into a car accident with his dad when he was a child, the blood from his dad’s lifeless corpse dripping on his face? I could tell you, but I have to get ready for a show. The Case of the Bloody Iris is currently on Amazon Prime Streaming.

Photo by Leslie Salas

Jeffrey Shuster (episode 47, episode 102, episode 124, episode 131, and episode 284) is an MFA graduate from the University of Central Florida.

The Curator of Schlock #283: Someone I Touched

26 Friday Jul 2019

Posted by thedrunkenodyssey in Film, Sexuality, The Curator of Schlock

≈ Leave a comment

The Curator of Schlock #283 by Jeff Shuster

Someone I Touched

Syphilis ain’t that bad.

Week Four of ABC Movie of the Week is here, and boy did I make a mistake. You see the trouble with doing a theme month is that it sounds great, but then you need to find a movie each week that fills that theme and then you hunt around Amazon Prime to find ABC Movies of the Week, but you realize that not many of these movies survived. There was one ABC Movie of the Week that starred George Kennedy getting attacked by a feral skunk.

Skunk1

I would have liked to see that movie, but instead I’m stuck this week with a cautionary tale on VD.

Touched1

1975’s Someone I Touched from director Lou Antonio is a cautionary tale on venereal disease (I said as much in the last paragraph–I was filled with so much hope back then). The movie begins with Andrew Robinson playing a guy named Frank Berlin and it appears that he’s stalking a teenage girl named Carrie (Glynnis O’Connor). I think this because Andrew Robinson played Scorpio in Dirty Harry and I associate his face with that of a violent psychopath, but it turns out that he’s one of the good guys in this movie. Really, that says everything about this specimen of schlock you need to know. Read on at your peril.

Frank Berlin works for County Health and he informs Carrie that she has stage 1 syphilis. Nothing to worry about since it’s treatable, but Frank will need a list of everyone she’s had sexual intercourse with in the last four months. Carrie’s response is, “Oh wow.”

Next we’re introduced to Laura Hyatt (Cloris Leachman), a career woman who works for a publisher of children’s books. She’s happily married to Sam Hyatt (James Olson) who works in an office building. Or maybe he builds office buildings. I think there was a scene with him at a construction site. Really this movie devoured most of my soul and much of my memory. Sam and Laura are expecting their first child, but unbeknownst to Sam, he has syphilis. He gets a visit from Frank Berlin after Carrie told him that he was one of the men she had a one-night stand with.

Frank tells Sam that if he has syphilis, he’ll have to inform Laura. Sam says something to the effect of Laura having a fragile mind and not being able to handle the stress of such information.

Uh huh.

Meanwhile, I’m wondering if Carrie was under the legal age of consent.

So Sam finds out he has syphilis. He tells Laura that she might have contracted syphilis. Laura gets tested and bingo, she has syphilis. And she’s pregnant!

What about the baby?

This is a bad scene!

But not as bad as the scene when Carrie tries getting some comfort from her mom by informing her that she has syphilis. Then Carrie’s mother keeps slapping her in the face. I know it was the 70s, but dear readers I can’t take the drama!

While Laura initially recoiled at the news that Sam gave her syphilis, it turns out that she’s the one who gave syphilis to Sam.

Turns out she had an affair with her boss.

Anyway, don’t worry. The baby is going to be fine.

Sigh.

Don’t let Someone I Touched ever touch you, take it from your Curator of Schlock.

Oh, look at that. It turns out Steven Spielberg’s Duel was an ABC Movie of the Week. I could have been watching Duel!

Duel

I’m going to cry now.

Photo by Leslie Salas

Jeffrey Shuster (episode 47, episode 102, episode 124, episode 131, and episode 284) is an MFA graduate from the University of Central Florida.

The Curator of Schlock #282: Bad Ronald

19 Friday Jul 2019

Posted by thedrunkenodyssey in Film, Horror, The Curator of Schlock

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

ABC Movie of the Week, Bad Ronald, Dabney Coleman, Jason Robards, Kim Hunter, Scott Jacoby

The Curator of Schlock #282 by Jeff Shuster

Bad Ronald

Would you be interested in watching a movie called Good Ronald?

Whatever happened to Dabney Coleman? I remember that as a kid, whenever you’d watch a movie with Dabney Coleman in it, you’d be in for an okay time. He was in Wargames, Cloak and Dagger, and Max Dugan Returns. Oh wait. Jason Robards was in Max Dugan Returns. Could you imagine a movie that starred both Dabney Coleman and Jason Robards? Talk about World’s Finest! Who would get top billing I wonder?

Time for another ABC Movie of the Week.

Ronald1

Tonight’s ABC Movie of the Week is 1974’s Bad Ronald from director Buzz Kulik. It’s about a boy named Ronald (Scott Jacoby) who is bad. Everyone in town knows this. Just look at him. The guy looks like a super nerd, and I’m not trying to say that all super nerds are serial killers, but the facts speak for themselves. Ronald is a teenager who lives at home with his strange mother (Kim Hunter). He plans on going to medical school after high school so he can operate on her one day. That’s bizarre.

Ronald2

Anyway, it’s Ronald’s birthday. After chocolate cake (Ronald’s favorite), he leaves to go to pool party that he wasn’t invited to so he can ask out Laurie, the hot girl in his class who is clearly out of his league. She rejects his offer of going out to a double feature at the local cinema. The other teenagers splash water on him as he leaves. No one likes you, Ronald. Just stay at home with your mother. In fact, your mother did warn you that “You shouldn’t waste your time with someone who doesn’t care.”

When leaving the party, he runs into Laurie’s kid sister, Carol, and by runs into her, I mean he runs into her, knocking her off her bike. Carol taunts Ronald, but he takes the barb like he should, but then Carol talks trash about Ronald’s mother and he snaps. He lifts Carol up with crazy strength and throws her. Carol’s head hits a cinderblock, and she dies. Ronald runs home to tell his mother about what he did. He then informs her that he buried Carol’s body in a shallow grave. Ronald’s mother doesn’t know what do. If only they had gone to the police after the girl had died, Ronald could have explained it was only an accident. But since he buried the body, that will cement his guilt in the eyes of the law. What to do? What to do?

Ronald3

Ronald’s mother has the bright idea of walling up the downstairs bathroom and hiding Ronald in there until until the heat dies down. She’ll feed him through a secret compartment in the pantry. Ronald will, of course, have to keep up with his studies and his daily exercises, but in a couple of months, they’ll be able to leave town. When the police finally do come poking around, Ronald’s mother tells them that he’s run away. The police search his bedroom and find Ronald’s jacket in his closet. His jacket has a piece of cloth torn from it and wouldn’t you know it, it matches the piece of cloth they found at the scene of the crime. Mom should have burned the jacket. Honestly.

Ronald’s mother finally decides to get that surgery she’s needed. She leaves Ronald with some powdered milk and tells him it should only be about a week. Then she dies on the operating table. The house is sold to Mr. Woods (Dabney Coleman) and his family. Mr. Woods has three teenage daughters. Ronald spies on them through peepholes he’s hidden around the house. He also sneaks out at night to drink their milk and eat their hardboiled eggs.

Ronald4

Did I mention that Ronald is having trouble telling fantasy from reality? He’s been hard at work on a Sword & Sorcery novel while being cooped up in that bathroom. I think he imagines one of the blonde daughters as the fairy princess and himself the fairy prince.

I’ll leave what comes next for you to witness yourself, but if you think Ronald is getting a fairy tale ending, you don’t know much about 1970s TV movies.

Photo by Leslie Salas.

Jeffrey Shuster (episode 47, episode 102, episode 124, episode 131, and episode 284) is an MFA graduate from the University of Central Florida.

The Curator of Schlock #281: Go Ask Alice

12 Friday Jul 2019

Posted by thedrunkenodyssey in Film, The Curator of Schlock

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

ABC Movie of the Week, Andy Griffith, Go Ask Alice, William Shatner

The Curator of Schlock #281 by Jeff Shuster

Go Ask Alice

More like Go Ask Alice and She’ll Get You High!

We’re on Week 2 of ABC Movie of the Week Month! Are you excited? Yes, you are. Why? Because tonight’s movie is 1973’s Go Ask Alice from director John Korty and stars none other than TV’s William Shatner, star of T.J. Hooker, Boston Legal, and Shit My Dad Says! But you know him as Captain James Tiberius Kirk of the Starship Enterprise, you super nerd. And you now reflect on all those times in high school when you got your head dunked in the toilet for knowing Captain Kirk’s middle name or that you knew for a fact that the Starship Enterprise has only one bathroom. You ask yourself if being a Star Trek fan was worth it as the grungy 70s TV movie unfolds before your eyes.

Alice1

There’s a disclaimer before the movie begins, stating that the movie is based on the actual diary of a fifteen-year-old girl, only the names have been changed to protect the innocent. The first thing you see is a fifteen-year-old blonde girl named Alice (Jamie Smith-Jackson) buying a diary and then discussing sex hormones with her mom, and you’re getting angry because there is no William Shatner.

You were promised William Shatner!

Then they play that disgusting Jefferson Airplane song “Go Ask Alice” over the credits and you know the movie will be filled with drugged-out hippies! But then you see in the credits that this movie of the week has a special guest star, TV’s Andy Griffith, and you are reassured that all is right in the world.

JAMIE SMITH JACKSON

Alice doesn’t start out as a drugged-out hippie. On the first day at her new school, she’s lonely until she meets a nice girl named Beth (Mimi Saffian), who tells Alice about a recurring nightmare she has about being abandoned in the synagogue on her wedding days when her fiancé discovers she isn’t a virgin. You feel that Beth is a good friend for Alice and that she’ll keep Alice on the straight and narrow.

But then Beth goes away for the summer.

Alice goes to a party where she’s force fed some uppers and downers by some burnouts, and now Alice is a druggie.

Booooooooo!

And still no William Shatner.

Until you do see William Shatner and you can’t believe your eyes. He plays Alice’s dad, an English literature professor at a major university. But he looks middle-aged, his hair is brown, and he’s sporting a mustache. And you know all is not right with the world because William Shatner can’t sport a mustache to save his life. And you wonder what happed to the man who four years prior had been seducing green women and striking fear into the heart of the Klingon Empire.

Alice3

Just when you think Alice can’t sink any lower, her boyfriend gets her to start hawking pills to some 1^stGraders.

1^stGraders!

And then she finds out her boyfriend has been cheating on her and she runs away. You feel awful for Alice, hoping that Andy Griffith will be able to save her, but you know Alice is doomed. You find out the movie is based on the actual diary of a young girl who was addicted to drugs and then died. But then you learn of the controversy surrounding the book, about how the author may have made it up. Does it matter? Of course!

Alice4