The Curator of Schlock #223 by Jeff Shuster

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

I like turtles.

I like turtles. I especially like the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Yes, that’s right. I like the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. I’m not apologizing for this, acting like it’s some weird affectation. What’s not to like about them? They’re teenagers, they’re mutants, they’re ninjas, and they’re turtles. I liked them when I was a kid in the 80s and early 90s.

I stayed up half the night playing Turtles in Time on Super Nintendo and bopped my head to the beat of the live performance of Pizza Power. Heck I’m wearing a t-shirt featuring Master Splinter from the old cartoon series. I’m also wearing Superman pajama pants and Pillsbury Doughboy boxers!.

Tonight we’ll discuss 2014’s Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles from director Jonathan Liebsman.

I liked it. But it seems there are some other critics out there who need to rain on my parade, so you’re curator will offer up some rebuttals. Okay, I’ll try and remain cool and collected. Simon Peters from RogerEbert.com writes:

“If nothing else, “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” reminds us that nostalgia is often used as a mandate for spectacularly lazy filmmaking. Yes, I too loved the action figures, video games, cartoons, and previous live-action commercials, I mean movies.”

Okay, you never loved the Turtles. Let’s get that out of the way.  Any movie that features Michelangelo beating up burglars with a pair of sausage nun chucks and Vanilla Ice belting out “Go Ninja, Go Ninja, GO!” while the four brothers battle the largest Muppets I’ve ever seen is more than a live-action commercial! You’re not a Turtles fan, Simon, and you never were.

Here’s another gem from Mr. Peters:

“So these Turtles are bullet-proof, six-foot tall mountains of biceps and quads. Likewise, Foot leader Shredder (Tohoru Masamune) looks like a samurai-themed death metal band-leader with an Edward Scissorhands fetish.”

Yes, biceps and quads are a good thing. It’s what the heroes need to beat the bad guys. As for The Shredder, how should he be dressed? In a tweed suit? He’s the greatest super villain of all time. The Shredder needs to be giving the kids in the audience nightmares!

It gets even worse when we go across to the United Kingdom. It’s no secret that Brits have always hated the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. I guess their idea of a super hero is far superior: an alien with an overlong scarf that travels through time in a blue telephone booth and fights garbage cans with plungers for arms. Let’s take a gander at a Telegraph article entitled “Dreadful” by Robbie:

“But what endears the characters to nine-year-old boys – the smart-alecky dialogue, the threadbare catchphrases, the worship of junk-food – is what also makes them so annoying to everyone else.”

Collin, did you ever stop to think that this movie was made for nine-year-old boys and that nine-year-old boys have a right to exist? He drones on:

“The script is equal parts pop-culture references, toilet humour and patience-sapping contrivance”

I don’t know what a patience-sapping contrivance is. Maybe he’s referring to that sweet fedora Will Arnett is sporting in the film? I need to get me one of those.

As for toilet humor and pop-culture references, what else do you need? Maybe a good eye-gouging or spiders or eye-gouging by spiders. If only Lucio Fulci was still with us. I’d love to see his take on the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. As for Simon and Robbie, you two have gotten your wish. Paramount has dictated that there will be no TMNT movies for the foreseeable future. To all the nine-year-old boys out there, the world doesn’t want anything to do with you. Go sit in a corner and hum real loud until you turn ten.

Jeffrey Shuster (episode 47, episode 102, episode 124, episode 131, and episode 284) is an MFA graduate from the University of Central Florida.

The Curator of Schlock #221 by Jeff Shuster

The Foreigner

The 90s Aren’t Coming Back

To say that much of my film going experience in the 90s revolved around the action titans of Jackie Chan and Pierce Brosnan would be understatement. I grew jaded over the slow decline of Stallone and Schwarzenegger movies, but the 90s had their charm. Brownian became 007 in 1995’s Goldeneye from director Martin Campbell.

That movie revitalized the spy genre in cinema and television, two of my favorites being Austin Powers and La Femme Nikita. The Nintendo game based on Goldeneye became a legend. Brosnan was and is my James Bond.

And then there’s Jackie Chan.

Hong Kong cinema was still a bit of a mystery to me back in the mid 90s, but friends kept telling me about a movie called Rumble in the Bronx and its Chinese star who did his own stunts and had the scars to prove it. Seeing movies wasn’t as easy back then. A movie like Rumble in the Bronx would only be in a theater for about a week before being pulled and DVD hadn’t quite emerged on the market yet. So you would make an effort to see this happy-go-lucky action star from Hong Kong who performed literal death-defying gymnastics right before your eyes. Supercop and Mr. Nice Guy remain two of my most memorable theater going experiences.

The late 90s were pretty good. We’d left the recession for the dot-com boom and even I thought we were headed to a better tomorrow. Of course, that all came crashing down. Years later, Daniel Craig replaced Pierce Brosnan and Jackie Chan became less prolific. 2017’s The Foreigner from director Martin Campbell reintroduces us to these action stars of old, but if you were expecting an Expendables-esque reunion, be forewarned. This movie will punch you in the gut.

Jackie Chan looks tired.

Pierce Brosnan looks tired.

I don’t think Jackie Chan cracks a smile throughout the whole movie, something I found very disconcerting considering he always struck me as the friendliest action star ever. Pierce Brosnan cracks fake smiles throughout The Foreigner, playing Liam Hennessy, the First Minister of Northern Ireland, a former IRA member turned politician after the Good Friday Agreement. Trouble starts when a group calling themselves the Authentic IRA, blow up a clothing store in London, resulting in the deaths of many civilians. One of these victims is the daughter of Ngoc Minh Quan (Jackie Chan), a local restaurant owner.

Quan wants revenge against the terrorists who killed his daughter. He suspects Hennessy of being involved and his suspicions prove valid, but even Hennessy hadn’t planned on civilian casualties when he reached out to former IRA members to stir things up so he could reap a political advantage in the upcoming election. The terrorists are stopped, but no one gets out of this movie unscathed.

There are no happy endings left for Pierce Brosnan and Jackie Chan. The 90s are over, and they’re never coming back.

Am I recommending The Foreigner? Absolutely. It’s a good action/thriller in an age where everything is tailored to PG-13. Brosnan and Chan give off tortured performances, but it’s well worth seeing. Chan can still do the stunts, if not as agile as he once was and it’s interesting to see Brosnan portray a character doing his best to charm his way out of the mess he’s made for himself and failing miserably at it. It’s not a feel good movie, but one can’t feel good all of the time anyway.

Jeffrey Shuster (episode 47, episode 102, episode 124, episode 131, and episode 284) is an MFA graduate from the University of Central Florida.