The Curator of Schlock #188 by Jeff Shuster

Rambo: First Blood Part II

Rambo: First Blood Part II (It’s worth repeating.)

 Oh, I hit pay dirt with this one. I’ve said it before, but I’ll say it again. We don’t do namby-pamby movies here at the Museum of Schlock. What does namby-pamby mean? It’s an adjective used to describe someone as weak, feeble, and cowardly. John Rambo is the exact opposite of namby-pamby. He’s a one-man army. Enjoy the show.

1985’s Rambo: First Blood Part II from director George P. Cosmatos begins with John Rambo (Sylvester Stallone) doing hard time in prison, smashing rocks and what not. Rambo’s former commander, Colonel Sam Trautman (Richard Crenna), offers him a deal. It seems the United states government needs a special operative to do some recon over in Vietnam, see if there’s any truth to the rumors of American POWs still being held captive over there. A presidential pardon might be in it for him. Rambo agrees to the deal, but I know he’s not doing it for any presidential pardon. He’s doing it for our guys over there.

Rambo ships out to Thailand where he meets up with Colonel Trautman and a government bureaucrat by the name of Marshall Murdock. Rambo is given strict orders to sneak in and just take pictures. Do not engage the enemy! Rambo meets up with Co-Bao (Julia Nickson), a special agent who can sneak him into Vietnam aboard a pirate ship. They have a heart to heart. She tells him war is all she’s ever known and that she wants to live in America. Rambo tells her that there was another kind of war waiting for him when he got back to America. Love is in the air, but they have a mission.

They make there way to an abandoned Viet Cong camp, but the camp ain’t so abandoned. There are American POWs stuck in rat-infested cages, slowly dying from starvation and disease. Rambo finds one POW strung up in the sun. He frees him, figuring he’s better proof than those photos he was supposed to take. Rambo and company kill some Viet Cong, make their way over to the extraction point, but the chopper doesn’t rescue them. Murdock never expected Rambo to find any POWs over in Vietnam. At least if it was just photos, Murdock could destroy the evidence, but a live POW. Forget about it. That could cause a stink, start the war all over again. Murdock orders his men to leave Rambo and company behind to get captured.

Rambo is placed in a leach-infested pool of pig excrement when, obviously, the Soviets show up to lend assistance to their Viet Cong buddies. It’s a regular Brotherhood of Evil over there, the enemies of America all gathered in one place.

Lt. Col. Podovsky (Steven Berkoff) decides to torture Rambo for information by electrocuting him. Our hero escapes the camp with the help of Co-Bao. They share a quiet moment while on the run. She kisses Rambo, asks her to take her back to America with him. Rambo agrees, but a Viet Cong guns her down moments later. With nothing to lose, Rambo goes on a killing spree in an effort to rescue the POWs.

The carnage that ensues is the stuff of legend, a testament 1980s excess and patriotism.

Jeffrey Shuster (episode 47, episode 102, episode 124, and episode 131) is an MFA graduate from the University of Central Florida.

The Curator of Schlock #182 by Jeff Shuster

Killer Cop

La polizia ha le mani legate.

Poliziotteschi is an Italian film genre revolving around crime. This particular film genre is new to me. That’s a good thing. The great thing about movies is that one can always uncover forgotten gems from decades past. Not only can one discover movies one has never heard of, but also entire genres of film. Poliziotteschi is a crime genre usually involving government corruption, mafia intrigue, and vigilantism. My first foray into poliziotteschi is 1975’s Killer Cop also known as La polizia ha le mani legate. The Italian title translates to The Police Have Their Hands Tied. This might explain the poster. 

The movie centers on an Italian police officer in the narcotics department by the name of Matteo Rolandi (Claudio Cassinelli). He’s doing some investigating at a hotel, which I assume is drug related. Meanwhile in the hotel lobby, some squirrely punk in a green raincoat tries to remove a red suitcase, getting into a scuffle with the hotel clerk. The squirrely punk loses his Coke bottle glasses in the scuffle and warns the guests that a bomb is about to go off. He high tails it out there. The bomb goes off in the lobby, killing and maiming dozens. Matteo Rolandi witnesses the aftermath of the carnage. 

The news media decries that it’s a terrorist attack from the “enemies of democracy.” The head of Home Affairs flies in to investigate. I’m assuming that is Armando Di Federico as played by Arthur Kennedy who is about as Italian as Patrick Stewart is French, but we like Arthur Kennedy here at the Museum of Schlock so we’ll let that slide. We like Patrick Stewart too, but he’s not in this. Patrick Stewart was in Lifeforce, that movie about the space vampires. I think his spews gallons of blood in one scene.

Anyway, Matteo has a friend on the force, an incompetent detective by the name of Luigi Balsamo (Franco Fabrizi). The hire ups stuck him on a pickpocket beat after some kid stuck him up with a toy gun. He laments to Matteo that he isn’t cut out for the streets, that he wants a nice desk job. Luigi happens to be on a tram with a squirrely guy wearing a green raincoat. Luigi follows him, but the squirrely guy pulls a gun on him, threatening to shoot him if he doesn’t back off. Luigi gives a description of the suspect to the Chief of Police. 

The rest of the movie has Matteo butting heads with Armando over the investigation. Armando doesn’t want any shenanigans like suspects mysteriously committing suicide or evidence vanishing. Luigi gets assassinated while fondling some oranges at a fruit stand. The squirrely guy in the green raincoat tries to get out of town with his terrorist cohorts, but their getaway vehicle explodes. The squirrely guy escapes only to be thrown out a window by the same assassin that killed Luigi. Matteo and Armando are getting nowhere in their investigation. The bombing may or may not have been orchestrated by government officials. A key keeps getting passed around.

I haven’t been this confused since True Detective Season 2. Matteo kills the assassin, but the conspiracy is never exposed. We get some title cards before the end credits explaining the aftermath of the investigation, written in Italian!

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Photo by Leslie Salas

Jeffrey Shuster (episode 47, episode 102, episode 124, and episode 131) is an MFA graduate from the University of Central Florida.

The Curator of Schlock #181 by Jeff Shuster

The Vengeance of She

Yes, revenge is a good thing. 

One thing you may notice on this blog is how few comments are left by my massive readership. I know it’s due to the fact that my brilliant commentary intimidates them. Still, Kurt Stefan left a comment on this blog and I responded to it. That’s what you do with comments. You respond to them. Unless it’s a certain someone who has a problem with your review for Star Trek The Motion Picture. That you don’t respond to. That you ignore.

Anyway, Kurt’s comment is as follows, “Ha! You thought you were lost watching this? Wait until you get to the VENGEANCE OF SHE. You’ll be cowering in the coatroom.” For starters, Kurt, it’s not Vengeance of She, it’s The Vengeance of She. Get the title right. And I’ve never cowered in a coatroom…except for that one time I was alone with my GameBoy, but I talked about that enough already. Read last week’s blog for more details. If it seems like I’m stalling, it’s because I am. I have to write 500 minimum words about The Vengeance of She. I don’t want to, but your curator presses on. 

The Vengeance of She is a 1968 Hammer production from director Cliff Owen. What else did he direct? I’ve never heard of him. Oh, he directed the screen version of No Sex Please, We’re British and The Bawdy Adventures of Tom Jones. What was that last one? How have I not heard of this masterpiece? Oh, the movie isn’t about Tom Jones, the singer. It was adapted from an eighteenth century novel by Henry Fielding. It does star Joan Collins. That’s a win. Oh, will you look at that. I’m past half the word count requirement. Woohoo!

I suppose it’s time for me to talk about the actual movie since I’ve scurried by the 300 word point. The Vengeance of She is like She if She were missing Ursula Andress, Peter Cushing, and Christopher Lee. Instead, we have Olinka Berova in the titular role. Actually, she plays a woman named Carol who is the reincarnation of Queen Ayesha. The movie starts out with her walking around in a daze near the shores of the French Riviera. She strips down to her underwear and swims out to yacht owned by a middle-aged letch named Harry (George Sewell). He’s on the run from his creditors and is happy to let the young, blonde woman stay aboard. 

I kept thinking this was going to turn into the Hammer version of Gilligan’s Island. I was expecting a shipwreck of some kind involving a kooky cast of characters like Harry’s friend, the psychiatrist, Dr. Phillip Smith (Edward Judd).  Instead, we learn of a plot by the immortal Kalikrates (John Richardson) to have the reincarnation of his dead lover, Queen Ayesha, walk through the sacred flame and become immortal just like him.

There’s also an evil wizard named Men-Hari (Derek Godfrey) who wants to take over the world or something to that effect. At no point in this movie does Carol or Queen Ayesha take vengeance on anybody so the title is a lie! Thus concludes our Hammer month. Until next time. 

Jeffrey Shuster (episode 47, episode 102, episode 124, and episode 131) is an MFA graduate from the University of Central Florida.

The Curator of Schlock #180 by Jeff Shuster

She

Simple. Beautiful. Classic.

Ever get invited to a friend’s birthday party and you don’t know any of the guests? It’s awkward. You don’t get the in jokes. You don’t want to hog your friend because he has other guests to attend so you strike up a conversation with a stranger who won’t shut up about the t-shirt he’s designed for the cartoon Aqua Team Hunger Force. Then you spend about an hour hiding out in the coatroom with only your GameBoy and a copy of Tetris to keep you company. You slip out half-past nine, hoping that no one sees you leave. Not that this ever happened to. I’m just speaking hypothetically or hypothetically speaking.

That’s how I feel sometimes when I watch a movie based on a novel and it’s pretty clear that I should have read that novel before walking into the movie theater. Joe Bob Briggs went on a rant about The English Patient years back, about how people kept telling him how beautiful the book was, but he didn’t care because he hadn’t read the book. I saw The English Patient. I seem to recall an extra crispy Ralph Feinnes talking about plumbs. I’m sure I’m getting to a point about something. Oh yeah. Sometimes going to see a movie that’s based on a book that you haven’t read is like going to a party where you don’t know anybody. And sure you could just read the book just like you could mingle and be sociable with new people, but who wants to do that?

For instance, let’s look at Hammer Studio’s adaptation of the H. Rider Haggard novel She: A History of Adventure. I mean I’m lost from the get-go. The movie starts out in Pakistan (or is it Palestine?).

We’re introduced to three adventurer types in some exotic, belly-dancing bar. There’s Professor Holly as played by Peter Cushing, a blond leading-man type named Leo Vincey (John Richardson), and a manservant named Job (Bernard Cribbins). Vincey is pulled away from the bar by a young woman named Ustane (Rosenda Monteros) and introduced to Ayesha, an immortal Queen of the lost city of Kuma. 

Ayesha gives Vincey the map to the lost city of Kuma and they make out for a bit. Vincey convinces Holly and Job to follow him out into the desert to discover the lost city of Kuma. Ayesha will be waiting there for him. Vincey sees a vision of Ayesha in an oasis on the way. Ayesha says she’ll give him anything he desires. Vincey desires her. We learn at some point that he’s the reincarnation of an old lover of Ayesha’s named Kalikrates. That’s a funny name. Kalikrates. It does kind of roll off the tongue. Vincey experiences a flash back of Ayesha stabbing Kalikrates to death. Hmmmmmmmm. That might be a red flag . Murder is not a good way to start a relationship. 

Vincey doesn’t care about the murder of his past self. The fact that Ayesha rules over her people with an iron fist and throws slaves into lava pits doesn’t seem to faze him either. Her beauty bewitches him. Plus, there’s the prospect of becoming immortal after he walks though some kind of sacred thingie. It would have been funny if he just caught on fire when he walked into the flame, if this whole thing was just a sick prank by Queen Ayesha that she cooked up while she was bored. Let’s see. There’s a slave uprising. Christopher Lee shows up at some point. The rest escapes me. I think it has a sad ending, something to do with being careful what you wish for or some such rubbish.

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Photo by Leslie Salas

Jeffrey Shuster (episode 47, episode 102, episode 124, and episode 131) is an MFA graduate from the University of Central Florida.