The Curator of Schlock #371: Audition

24 Friday Sep 2021

Posted by thedrunkenodyssey in Film, Horror, The Curator of Schlock

The Curator of Schlock #371 by Jeff Shuster

Audition

There’s nothing more terrifying than a pretty woman.

Edwige and I barely made it of Mooseville, a small town in Saskatchewan. I was commissioned by a trucker named Big Tom to drop off equipment for a Salmon Salad canning factory, but that was back in late March and I got sidetracked on my journey. Taking five months to get there was too little, too late. Deadlines weren’t met, the factory went under, and all hope was lost. The town of Mooseville needed someone to blame and I did not receive the hero’s welcome I was expecting. More news on that next week.

Tonight’s Arrow Home video release is 1999’s Audition from director Takashi Miike. I’ve been avoiding this one for quite some time now, mainly because of its reputation. I knew this flick would make me squirm, but no one ever said being a Curator of Schlock didn’t take courage. This is a creepy one, folks. I haven’t been this terrified since Gone Girl.

The movie begins with a man named Shigeharu Aoyama (Ryo Ishibashi) losing his wife to cancer, leaving him to raise their young son, Shigehiko, on his own. Sad as that was, Aoyama manages to raise Shigehiko into a well-adjusted young adult. Still, everyone keeps telling Aoyama that he should marry again. And after being told this enough times, Aoyama starts to warm to the idea of marrying again.

Aoyama’s friend, Yasuhisa Yoshikawa (Jun Kunimura), comes up with the idea for a new movie where one lucky young woman will get to play the role of Aoyama’s wife. Aoyama was looking for a more mature woman to settle down with, but Yoshikawa insists that this is just for fun and that the young woman who wins the audition won’t really marry him. A casting call is put out for all the young women in Japan to be “tomorrow’s heroine.” One of them can be the next Audrey Hepburn or Penelope Ann Miller.

Aoyama gets the privilege of screening the submissions to get the contestants down to an even thirty. One of these contestants catches his eye, a young woman named Asami (Eihi Shiina) who gave up a career in ballet due to hip injury. Later, Yoshikawa and Aoyama interview the contestants, Yoshikawa asking all kinds of probing questions while Aoyama impatiently waits for Asami’s turn. When Asami does show up, Aoyama is instantly smitten by the shy, young woman. He conflates how she felt about losing her ballet career with how he felt about losing his wife.

Yoshikawa has a bad feeling about Asami. He can’t put his finger on what’s wrong with her, but he tells Aoyama to stay away. Naturally, Aoyama asks Asami if she’d like to meet up sometime. She answers the phone and agrees. I think it’s in this scene that we see a large burlap sack in the background that starts moving as the victim inside struggles. Asami smiles, and I get the feeling Aoyama’s torture will begin soon enough. BBC film critic Mark Kermode once stated that he went into Audition thinking it was going to be some romantic comedy. By the end of the movie, he was hiding behind his theater seat. As for me, Audition might be the best movie I’ve seen all year. It’s terrifying. Good terrifying.

Photo by Leslie Salas

Jeff Shuster (episode 47, episode 102, episode 124, episode 131, episode 284, episode 441, episode 442, episode 443, episode 444, episode 450, and 477) is an MFA graduate from the University of Central Florida.

The Curator of Schlock #370: The Gruesome Twosome

10 Friday Sep 2021

Posted by thedrunkenodyssey in Film, Horror, The Curator of Schlock

≈ Leave a comment

The Curator of Schlock #370 by Jeff Shuster

The Gruesome Twosome

They had KFC in the 1960s?

Edwige is on the mend and we should be back on the road soon. Who knew kangaroos had such delicate constitutions? I’ll make it up to her once we get to Saskatchewan. I wonder if they’ll give me a hero’s welcome. Maybe that’s too much to ask, but I will be saving a small town with this factory equipment I’ll be dropping off. Maybe they’ll erect a statue of me in the town square.

This week’s Arrow Home Video release is 1967’s The Gruesome Twosome from director Herschell Gordon Lewis. This is the same guy that gave us Blood Feast so expect this one to be a splatter fest. I don’t know what kind of sick individuals watch these kinds of movies. You should be ashamed if you like The Gruesome Twosome!

What’s the movie about? There’s this old lady named Mrs. Pringle (Elizabeth Davis) and she owns a wig shop. These are very fine wigs that are the talk of the town. They are made from real human hair. She runs the business with her mentally challenged son, Rodney (Chris Martell). She also has conversations with a stuffed tiger or was it a stuffed leopard? I don’t know. The point is she’s crackers!

So Mrs. Pringle has a room for rent in her business which she rents out to the many young women attending the local university. But she doesn’t really have a room to rent. If some pretty, young coed with lovely hair walks into the shop and wants to check out the room, Mrs. Pringle locks her inside. Turns out the room to rent isn’t really a room to rent, but a workshop room where the wigs are made. And in that room Rodney lies in wait.

We get plenty of scenes of Rodney scalping young women for their hair. And the camera lingers on these scenes so no detail is spared. And even as Rodney holds the scalp in his hand, we get to see jellied bits of blood sliding down. Sometimes Rodney also slits a throat or guts one of the young victims so he can play around with the organs.

In the intro on the Blu-ray, director Herschell Gordon Lewis describes this movie as a splatter comedy. I suppose the comedy comes from the amateur sleuthing of a young student named Kathy Baker (Gretchen Wells). She’s determined to find out who’s murdering her classmates. She follows one mysterious gentleman around the neighborhood who’s carrying a large paper bag. Kathy witnesses him burying large bones in his backyard. She digs them up and freaks out when the mysterious gentleman confronts her. Turns out the bones are a birthday present for his dog. The dog likes to dig up bones. Kathy then gets lectured by a local police officer about disturbing the peace.

Will Kathy discover who the killer is? What do you think? One curious thing about this Blu-ray is the disclaimer that comes on before the movie starts. The statement reads something like “This transfer was made from the best available elements.” That’s fine, but the print is in terrible shape. I don’t know that we’ll ever get a proper restoration of The Gruesome Twosome. Maybe this can be a new pet project of George Lucas. THX this baby!

Photo by Leslie Salas

The Curator of Schlock #369: There’s Always Vanilla

03 Friday Sep 2021

Posted by thedrunkenodyssey in Film, The Curator of Schlock

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

George A. Romero, There's Always Vanilla

The Curator of Schlock #369 by Jeff Shuster

There’s Always Vanilla

No, there isn’t.

I had to bring Edwige, my kangaroo companion, to the vet. She was foaming at the mouth and acting all out of sorts. The vet asked me if she had eaten into anything strange. I told her I was feeding Edwige smarties, beef jerky, and a bit of Red Ripple to wash it all down. She threatened to call the authorities and I warned her that a small town in Saskatchewan is depending on me for survival. She gave me a diet plan for Edwige and warned me against feeding Edwige beef jerky and alcohol. I guess that means Smarties are still okay.

This week’s Arrow Home Video release is 1971’s There’s Always Vanilla from director George Romero. That’s right. This is the Night of the Living Dead guy. Anyway, he didn’t just make horror movies and There’s Always Vanilla is a little slice-of-life movie.

It’s not good.

Romero himself thought the finished movie was a disaster. I don’t like to rag on Romero. The dude directed Creepshow. Full stop.

There’s Always Vanilla is a movie about the wayward youth of the baby boomer generation. The movie begins with crowds commenting on a bizarre sculpture of a giant machine with wheels and widgets. The machine doesn’t actually do anything. Some onlookers think it’s fantastic and a great commentary on the modern world. Other onlookers think it’s a travesty and a sad commentary on the modern world.

The machine is a creation of a Vietnam vet named Chris Bradley (Raymond Laine), a directionless youth who smokes pot and pontificates on the absurdity of life. He goes to go-go bars, tries to get his dad laid at a go-go bar, smokes more pot, and crashes at the apartment of a woman named Sam who may or may not be the mother of his child. Also, Chris’s dad can still “cut the mustard.” I don’t know what that means.

Oh, and there’s a young model named Lynn (Judith Streiner) that stars in beer commercials and gets ogled by sleazy producers. She bumps into Chris at a train station and love is in the air. Chris tells Lynn that her butt is too big for TV and before you know it, the two of them are sleeping together. Lynn takes the relationship very seriously, but Chris takes nothing seriously. She wants him to go to college or get a job or something. This might have something to do with the fact that she’s pregnant.

Chris tells Lynn that he probably has a kid with some other woman. This causes Lynn to seek a back alley abortion with a seedy doctor, but she gets scared and can’t go through with the procedure. She moves out of her apartment and disappears on Chris. He visits with his dad and gets some fatherly advice. He tells him about all the ice cream flavors that are seemingly available at a Howard Johnson’s, but when all is said and done, there’s always vanilla. Huh?

Excuse me. I need to watch something that has zombies ripping the entrails out of a screaming biker gang member.

Photo by Leslie Salas.

The Curator of Schlock #368: The Red Queen Kills Seven Times

27 Friday Aug 2021

Posted by thedrunkenodyssey in Film, The Curator of Schlock

≈ Leave a comment

The Curator of Schlock #368 by Jeff Shuster

The Red Queen Kills Seven Times

Because eight times would be gauche.

I made it through the Canadian border. I had to tie Edwige, my kangaroo companion, up in a potato sack so as to avoid the peeping eyes of the authorities. Edwige was none too pleased, but I bought her a box of Smarties so we’re good. Now, which way to Saskatchewan?

This week’s Arrow home video release is 1972’s The Red Queen Kills Seven Times from director Emilio Miraglia. This was included in Arrow’s Killer Dames collection along with The Night Evelyn Came Out of the Grave. The movie begins with two little girls, Kitty and Evelyn, getting into a fight after Evelyn steals Kitty’s doll. The two little girls are sisters and there is a family curse that states every one hundred years, one sister will kill the other. Then the dead sister will return from the grave and kill her murderer. Plus, the dead sister will kill six others just for fun.

Fast forward fifteen or so years and Kitty is now an adult played by the lovely Barbara Bouchet. No sign of Evelyn because she’s left for a life in America. We are then introduced to the Red Queen, a mysterious woman wearing a red cloak that stalks her victims with a knife. Incidentally, this is the same woman mentioned in the family curse, the dead sister that murders seven people. She stalks Evelyn’s and Kitty’s grandfather, causing him to die of sheer fright. The Red Queen then laughs maniacally and that freaks me out a bit. I don’t like that too much.

Now, you may find it strange that the Red Queen has surfaced once again since the criteria for the curse requires that one sister would have killed the other, but Kitty is alive and well and Evelyn has started a new life in America. Well, it turns out that isn’t exactly true. Seems that Evelyn was tormenting Kitty for like the one thousandth time and Kitty snapped. Kitty bashed her sister’s head into a stone column before tossing the body into a pond. Then she and two other conspirators, her older sister Franziska (Marina Malfatti) and Franziska’s husband, Herbert (Nino Korda), hid the body.

Kitty is a fashion photographer having an affair with a married man named Martin (Ugo Pagliai). Martin’s wife is locked away in a mental institution. She refuses to grant him a divorce and threatens to murder him. She also claims to have a friend named Evelyn that she converses with on a regular basis. When the Red Queen murders one of Martin’s associates in a park, witnesses describe a woman that looks exactly like Evelyn, but Kitty denies that resemblance as she’s starting to unravel from the stress of it all.

One thing I always find interesting about Giallo movies is how they hint at the preternatural and the paranormal, but these things are only an accent on the story. For instance, is there a family curse? Maybe. Is that curse in effect in this story? Maybe yes or maybe no. Maybe the curse is being used to deflect from what’s really going on. Regardless, it’s creepy as all get out. I’d like to commend Arrow on some great restorations of these four Giallo classics. They were well worth my time.

Photo by Leslie Salas

The Curator of Schlock #367: The Night Evelyn Came Out of the Grave

20 Friday Aug 2021

Posted by thedrunkenodyssey in Film, The Curator of Schlock

≈ Leave a comment

The Curator of Schlock #367 by Jeff Shuster

The Night Evelyn Came Out of the Grave

That sounds ominous.

I’m on the road again. I should be hitting that Canadian border any day now. I’ve been trying to get an I-Spy game going with Edwige, but she isn’t too responsive. I guess that’s on account of her being a kangaroo and all. She’s learned how to buckle her seatbelt though. That’s impressive. I don’t suppose one could charge people to watch a kangaroo buckle her seatbelt. I guess that’s not the most exciting animal trick out there.

This week’s Arrow Home Video release is 1971’s The Evelyn Came Out of the Grave from director Emilio Miraglia. This was included in their Killer Dames box set along with The Red Queen Kills Seven Times, a masterpiece I will be covering next week. This movie is a prime example of what I love and find confounding about the Giallo genre. Let’s tear into it.

The movie centers on a Lord Alan Cunningham (Anthony Steffen), a sophisticated English gentleman with a dark secret. The movie begins with him trying to escape a mental institution because he had a breakdown after his wife, Evelyn, died. Next, we see him on a date with a gorgeous prostitute. He takes her back to one of his family’s abandoned manor houses, the kind reeking with dust and cobwebs. He takes her to a clean and furnished bachelor pad within. You might think we’d be getting a passionate love scene, but Lord Alan puts on a black monk’s robe, whips the prostitute, straps her down, threatens her with a branding iron, and then stabs her to death.

Keep in mind that this is our protagonist. I guess we’re expected to excuse this kind of behavior due to Lord Alan’s obsessing over his deceased, red-headed wife. This is why Lord Alan kidnaps red-headed prostitutes. He’s haunted by visions of Evelyn running around in what looks like the garden of Eden with another man. His cousin, George (Enzo Tarascio) suggests he take out a stripper named Susan (Erika Blanc). Lord Alan does so and brings her back to the torture chamber, but Susan manages to escape. Lord Alan also has to contend with a groundskeeper named Albert (Roberto Maldera) that takes bribes to keep quiet about Lord Alan’s late night activities. Albert also raises foxes. And Lord Alan has an ascot collection, in case you were curious.

That detail made my editor really happy for reasons passing understanding.

Lord Alan’s doctor, Richard Timberlane (Giacomo Rossi Stuart), suggests he get married again to get Evelyn out of his head. While attending a swinging party with George who happens to be wearing a hoop earring on his left ear because why not, Lord Alan meets a beautiful woman named Gladys (Marina Malfatti) that he instantly falls for. Lord Alan takes her to bed, asks her to marry him, and before you know it, they’re happily married. Also, Gladys is a blonde so no more fits of tortuous rage.

Lord Alan’s Aunt Agatha (Joan C. Davies) approves of her nephew’s new bride and has hired a bunch of blonde maids to serve their every need. Aunt Agatha is wheelchair bound, but that doesn’t stop her from getting up and sneaking around. Plus, she’s having a torrid affair with groundskeeper Albert. The two of them die horribly. Lord Alan gets committed when he sees his beloved Evelyn come out of the grave one night. And the twists keep coming. Expect poisonings, stabbings, and an incident involving sulphuric acid. Good times!

Photo by Leslie Salas.

The Curator of Schlock #366: Death Walks at Midnight

13 Friday Aug 2021

Posted by thedrunkenodyssey in Film, The Curator of Schlock

≈ Leave a comment

The Curator of Schlock #366 by Jeff Shuster

Death Walks at Midnight

Also known as Cry Out in Terror

I got my second vaccine shot yesterday and experienced some nasty fever dreams. I had a vision of Edwige beating me within an inch of my life to the delight of a cheering crowd in Madison Square Garden. Tomorrow, I’ll travel back up to Canada, but Edwige keeps giving me the stink eye. Maybe I’d better stop at an IHOP along the way. Edwige should like their Rooty Tooty Fresh N Fruity breakfast.

Today’s Arrow Home Video release is 1972’s Death Walks at Midnight from director Luciano Ercoli. This was included in Arrow’s Death Walks Twice set which included Death Walks on High Heels which I covered last week. And like last week’s movie, we have Nieves Navarro in the lead!

Supermodel Valentina (Nieves Navarro) decides to take some hallucinogenic drugs at the request of a reporter friend of hers, Giò Baldi (Simón Andreu). He’s writing a story about an anonymous supermodel taking hallucinogenic drugs, but not to worry, Valentina will have her face covered during the experience so no photos taken will identify her. While she’s tripping, Valentina sees a young woman getting murdered by a dude in sunglasses wearing a metallic glove with spikes attached to it. He proceeds to slam the spikes into her face as Valentina screams in horror.

When the story is published, Nicole’s drugged out face is plastered on a bestselling tabloid. She gets fired by her modeling agency for the negative exposure. Nicole is not pleased about the whole situation and tries assaulting Giò at the tabloid he works for. The police get called, but Giò doesn’t press charges. I guess he feels a little bad for ruining Nicole’s career and decides to help her figure out the mystery of that violent vision she had.

I think she meets a shrink at some point that believes the hallucinogenic drug she took unearthed a repressed memory of a murder she witnessed. Nicole is determined to solve this mystery as the murderer stalks her. He tries breaking into her apartment with that spiked glove of his. Her artist neighbor, Stefano (Peter Martell), runs to her aid after he hears her screaming. However, Stefano saw no sign of the killer.

Nicole and Stefano have a torrid affair. I suppose this is where I will spoil the movie so stop reading now if you want to watch. So it turns out that Stefano is a heroin dealer. The spiked gloved killings were the result of an elaborate plan to eliminate his competition. And now Nicole knows too much and has to die. Stefano and his cronies try hanging Nicole in her own apartment. They want to make it look like a suicide, but Giò busts in and interrupts their plans.

What follows is a genuinely thrilling chase scene on the rooftops of Milan as Nicole and Giò have to contend with Stefano and his psychopathic cronies. I got a chuckle when one of them got his head shoved into a pile of heroin. That stuff will mess you up. Death Walks at Midnight had a surprising twist as to who the killer was and that final chase scene made this worth my time. I recommend it.

Photo by Leslie Salas

The Curator of Schlock #365: Death Walks on High Heels

06 Friday Aug 2021

Posted by thedrunkenodyssey in Horror, The Curator of Schlock

≈ Leave a comment

The Curator of Schlock #365 by Jeff Shuster

Death Walks on High Heels

One of these days these heels are gonna walk all over you.

Just one more week of Edwige, my kangaroo traveling companion, and I camping out in this abandoned shopping mall somewhere on the outskirts of Pittsburg. Next week, I get my second vaccination shot. Then we’ll be back in the big rig, hauling factory equipment through the Canadian border to save a small town in Saskatchewan.

There may be rumors flying around that a kangaroo killed a man in an illegal street fight, but that wasn’t Edwige. Trust me.

It’s Giallo Month here on this humble blog. Tonight’s Arrow Home video release is 1971’s Death Walks on High Heels from director Luciano Ercoli. This movie was featured in fancy set Arrow put out a couple of years ago called Death Walks Twice. It was featured with another movie called Death Walks at Midnight which I’ll be covering next week.

The movie begins with a mysterious mustached man getting his throat slashed on a moving train. Next, we see a lovely young French woman named Nicole (Nieves Navarro) and her boyfriend, Michel (Simón Andreu), being interviewed by the police. Turns out her father was a diamond thief and was found with his throat slit on a train. The police want to know where the diamonds are, but Nicole has no idea what they’re talking about.

Did I mention that Nicole is an exotic dancer? Yes, that’s how she earns a living, taking her clothes off for mouth-breathing audiences. In between performances, she gets phone calls from a creeper wanting to know where the diamonds are. Later, she’s alone in her apartment after having a fight with Michel. The creeper shows up, clad in some kind of ski mask and glaring at her with bright blue eyes. He speaks to her with an electronic larynx attached to his throat. He asks her where the diamonds are. Nicole says she doesn’t know. The creeper threatens to slice her up with a straight razor if she doesn’t have the diamonds the next time he visits.

The next morning, Nicole discovers a pair of blue contact lenses hidden in her apartment. Thinking Michel is the creeper, she wants to high tail it out of town. She decides to have an affair with a Dr. Robert Matthews (Frank Wolff), one of her many admirers, and runs away to the English countryside with him. Dr. Matthews introduces Nicole as his wife to all of the local villagers. Then, Dr. Matthews buys some fresh fish from the local fishmonger and makes Nicole a fancy dinner. We see extended shots of Nicole pulling off bits of moist fish and delicately eating them. I think it’s supposed to be an erotic scene, but it weirded me out.

Later, while Dr. Matthews is performing fancy eye surgery, an individual in high heels shoots him. He survives the assault, but the assailant is still at large. I immediately suspected Nicole, but she turns up dead in a fisherman’s net. A couple of bumbling English inspectors are on the case, but they only suspect Michel as he’s a drunken playboy who nobody seems to like so it would be great if he turned out to be the killer. Also, Dr. Matthews’ actual wife looks like a slightly more mature Nicole. Very strange indeed. Look for many twists and red herrings.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go find a Long John Silver’s.

Photo by Leslie Salas

The Curator of Schlock #364

30 Friday Jul 2021

Posted by thedrunkenodyssey in The Curator of Schlock

≈ Leave a comment

The Curator of Schlock #364 by Jeff Shuster

The Ghoul

Not the one with Boris Karloff.

I’m busy wrapping pennies I found in the scummy water fountain at this abandoned mall I’ve been squatting in. I have a total of twenty one dollars and fifty cents so far. That’ll buy me two weeks of Oodles Of Noodles at the very least. I’ll be eating good.

My life is hell.

This week’s Arrow Home Video release is 2016’s The Ghoul from director Gareth Tunley. This is a British movie so you may want to turn those subtitles on. Remember Sexy Beast with Ben Kingsley? It’s that kind of non-American, not-really-English English.

The Ghoul centers around a police inspector named Chris (Tom Meeten) who’s investigating a murder. He concludes that the culprit must be a “ghoul,” a man obsessed with crime scenes and criminal investigations. His partner convinces Chris to go undercover as a former drug addict who’s mentally disturbed. I guess the idea is he’ll see the same shrink as their main suspect, Coulson (Rufus Jones), and maybe gather new evidence that way somehow.

Chris reveals his dreams to a psychoanalyst named Dr. Fisher (Niamh Cusack). In his dreams, he is a police detective, tracking down criminals. Chris and his old college friend, Kathleen (Alice Lowe), concocted this whole backstory about him being a guy from a well-to-do family who got addicted to pain medication. Oh, and Chris is in love with Kathleen, but she’s dating his partner. Awkward.

Chris stalks another one of Fisher’s patients, the aforementioned Coulsen. He mustn’t do a very good job of tailing him since Coulsen confronts him and forces Chris to buy him a cup of coffee or he’ll call the police. So Coulsen and Chris become mates and start swapping stories about Dr. Fisher. Then they start hanging out with hardened criminals who talk about drug deals gone wrong.

Eventually, Dr. Fisher takes ill and suggests that Chris see her own therapist, Morland (Geoffrey McGivern), to continue treatment. Morland lives out in the country and is a bit of an eccentric. He doesn’t believe in silence during therapy sessions and will ramble on about all sorts of nonsense if Chris doesn’t open up. In one instance, Morland waxes on about a coven of witches who performed a ritual to prevent the Nazis from landing on British shores.

Coulsen is also seeing Morland and hates him with a passion. He sends Chris about a hundred texts and messages warning him about Morland. When the therapist learns that Chris and Coulsen are friends, he demands that Chris cut off contact with him as Cousin has a way of putting bad ideas into your head.

I think it’s about this time in the movie that I’m wondering if Chris is really a police inspector or is he just a mental health patient who thinks he’s an undercover police inspector pretending to be a mental patient that dreams of being a police inspector.

My head hurts.

I think I’ll take a nap where I’ll dream about being a curator that thinks he’s a trucker.

Photo by Leslie Salas

The Curator of Schlock #363: Crimes of Passion

23 Friday Jul 2021

Posted by thedrunkenodyssey in Film, The Curator of Schlock

≈ 1 Comment

The Curator of Schlock #363 by Jeff Shuster

Crimes of Passion

Kathleen Turner and Anthony Perkins, together again for the first time.

Hooray. Canada will start letting in fully vaccinated citizens and permanent residents of the United States beginning on August 9th. Good thing I got my first dose a few weeks back and will have my second dose in time to get to the Canadian border by August 9th. Oh, and I found my long-lost passport. Looks like everything will be lining up so I can drive this truck and save that small town in Saskatchewan.

Now back to exploring this abandoned shopping mall.

This week’s Arrow Home Video release is 1984’s Crimes of Passion from director Ken Russell. It’s billed as an erotic thriller, but the whole thing is a pervy affair and what would mother think if she knew I was watching such filth? Anyway, the movie begins with a dissatisfied husband named Bobby Grady (John Laughlin) attending some group therapy session where the men rage against women and the women rage against men. Bobby says he’s in a healthy marriage, but then rants about how his wife, Amy (Annie Potts), has no interest in sex.

Next, we’re introduced to China Blue (Kathleen Turner), a street prostitute wearing a blue dress and blonde wig. She can fulfill the weird kinks of any man in the seedy apartment she rents in the red light district. One man fixated on her is a self-styled street preacher named Reverend Peter Shayne (Anthony Perkins). He wants to save China Blue with his bible and bag of assorted sex toys including a steel vibrator that can’t be legal in most counties.

China Blue is the alias for Joanna Crane, a fashion designer for a top clothing company. She’s driven and hard-working which makes her boss suspicious. Someone inside the company has been selling designs to the competition and the boss wants Joanna followed. Enter Bobby Grady looking for some night work to help pay for his kid’s braces. He follows Joanna to the red light district and becomes fascinated with her nightlife activities.

Eventually, the fashion thief surfaces and is confronted by the boss, thus letting Joanna off the hook. Bobby doesn’t spill the beans about Joanna, but decides to employ her services and has the best sex of his life. He runs to her defense when Reverend Shayne accosts her in the street, but gets knocked flat on his ass. At some point, Bobby shows up at her real house, tells Joanna he wants to leave his wife for her, etc. Joanna doesn’t think she can give her up her double life, the freedom that comes with it, etc.

Meanwhile, Reverend Shayne is losing his mind. There’s a scene where he slaughters a blow-up doll thinking she’s a prostitute. Or does he slaughter a prostitute thinking she’s a blow-up doll? This is an odd one, folks. I’m still letting it sink in. That’s my way of saying that I don’t know if Crimes of Passion is beautiful schlock or a waste of celluloid. Edwidge the kangaroo didn’t know either.

Ask me in about ten years.

Photo by Leslie Salas.

The Curator of Schlock #362: The Zero Boys

16 Friday Jul 2021

Posted by thedrunkenodyssey in Film, Horror, The Curator of Schlock

≈ Leave a comment

The Curator of Schlock #362

The Zero Boys

From zeroes to heroes in no time flat.

Edwige and I have been exploring this abandoned mall somewhere on the outskirts of Pittsburgh. There was once a Spencer’s Gifts in this mall. Do any of you remember Spencer’s Gifts? I bought my first whoopee cushion at Spencer’s Gifts back in my salad days. I doubt anyone still makes whoopee cushions. There’s probably an app for that now. I am miserable and out of touch.

Tonight’s Arrow Home Video release is 1986’s The Zero Boys from director Nico Mastorakis. The movie begins with what seems like a Red Dawn type scenario. You have a deserted ghost town that’s under siege by some nasty soldiers being led by a guy in full Nazi regalia. The only ones standing in their way are the Zero Boys, a ragtag group of elite soldiers who draw inspiration from Sly Stallone’s Rambo. They are Steve (Daniel Hirsch), Larry (Tom Shell), and Rip (Jared Moses). Steve is the no nonsense leader, while Larry and Rip are a couple of chuckleheads. They shoot down all the bad guys, but then it becomes clear that the red blotches are paint not blood. This a paintball course!

The guy in the Nazi uniform is a tool named Casey and he and Steve had a little bet going on. Basically, if Steve won the tournament, he gets Casey’s girlfriend, Jamie (Kellie Maroney) as a date for the weekend. Jamie screams in protest and Steve lets her out of the bet, but she decides to go along with Steve since she’s furious with Casey. Steve, Jamie, Larry, and Rip head out to the woods along with Larry and Rip’s girlfriends, Trish and Sue. Trish is Larry’s girlfriend and Sue is Rip’s girlfriend in case you want to keep track.

While having a picnic lunch, the six of them overhear a woman screaming. They climb into Steve’s jeep and drive off to investigate, but all they come across is an abandoned house in the woods. They go inside to find the place empty, a note attached to the refrigerator from the owner saying he won’t be back that weekend and to have a good time. There’s beer in the fridge! Larry and Rip decide to party down, but Steve doesn’t like this situation one bit. Maybe that’s because deep down Steve realizes he’s in a slasher movie!

Yes, there’s a killer on the property brandishing a large nasty knife. That’s what Jamie sees in the pouring rain, but no one takes it too seriously. However, when they all hear the screaming woman again, Steve and Larry go to investigate the barn on the property. They discover a VCR hooked up to a television. When they press play, they discover a snuff video of a woman being tortured to death, the same woman they heard screaming. Back at the cabin, the girlfriends discover the woman’s dead body stuffed in a chest.

It’s normally around this point in the movie that we expect the killer to start picking the young people off one by one. But these are the Zero Boys, a group of young men with a collection of modified semi-automatics and itchy trigger fingers. That’s what makes The Zero Boys unique. This is the first slasher movie I’ve seen where the odds between the killer and his young victims are even, a true gift in the kingdom of schlock.

Photo by Leslie Salas