The Curator of Schlock #315: Uncle Buck

27 Friday Mar 2020

Posted by thedrunkenodyssey in Comedy, Film, The Curator of Schlock

Tags

The Curator of Schlock #315 by Jeff Shuster

Uncle Buck

An unsung John Hughes classic.

Maybe I should thought this whole staying-in-a-cabin-in-the-middle-of-the-Florida-Everglades-while-the-world-goes-to-pot scheme through. Granted, I’ve got enough Campbell’s Pork and Beans to last me three months, but I forgot to buy Beano and I’m down to four rolls of toilet paper. Still, there are plenty of leafy plants sprung around this place. Wow. Three leaves! They say three leaves are better than two.

Buck1

Tonight’s movie is 1989’s Uncle Buck from director John Hughes because I just don’t care this week. I’m scared out of my mind and I need a 80s comedy to calm my nerves. I need some John Candy in my life. I mean look at this poster. The movie just screams, watch me! You can tell the nice suburban family wants nothing to do with their crude and crass Uncle Buck (John Candy). This is the kind of movie Elaine from Seinfeld would rather see than something like Howard’s End.

Buck4

I aspire to be just like Buck Russell. The man doesn’t have a job. He refuses to work and enjoys smoking cigars. He makes a living by making sure-thing bets at the horse track. His girlfriend, Chanice (Amy Madigan), convinces him to take a job selling tires at the garage she manages. Buck reluctantly agrees, but bails on her as soon as his brother, Bob, calls with a family emergency. Bob needs Buck to watch the kids while he and his wife, Cindy, go to Indianapolis to stay with her father, who just had a heart attack.

Buck2 (1)

They leave Uncle Buck in charge and the children wake up to find him making some disgusting scrambled egg concoction. I’m sorry, but he sprayed yellow mustard into the frying pan. That’s a no, no. So we’ve got a surly teenager named Tia (Jean Louisa Kelly) who makes it no secret that she can’t stand Uncle Buck and wants him out of their house. More understanding are her younger siblings Miles (Macaulay Culkin) and Maizy (Gaby Hoffmann). Uncle Buck has no problem winning them over. He chews out the assistant vice-principal at Maizy’s elementary school after she criticizes the six year-old for not taking her academic career seriously. Oh, and when a drunken clown shows up at Miles’s birthday party, Uncle Buck punches him in the face a few times.

giphy

Uncle Buck was a childhood staple of mine, repeated viewings on gray Saturdays in the dead of winter. It’s not the best John Hughes comedy, but it’s far from the worst. I love Uncle Buck’s regular threatening of Tia’s handsy boyfriend, Bug (Jay Underwood), or the scene of him cooking an obscenely large stack of pancakes for Miles and Maizy. And this movie was my first introduction to Macaulay Culkin, who would make a huge splash the following year in Home Alone.

Buck3

I miss John Candy. He was taken too soon from this world, but he left me with some good memories. Great comedians often do.

Photo by Leslie Salas.

Jeff Shuster (episode 47, episode 102, episode 124, episode 131, and episode 284) is an MFA graduate from the University of Central Florida.

The Curator of Schlock #314: Leprechaun 3

20 Friday Mar 2020

Posted by thedrunkenodyssey in Film, Horror, Irish Literature, The Curator of Schlock

≈ Leave a comment

The Curator of Schlock #314 by Jeff Shuster

Leprechaun 3

Vegas, Baby, Vegas.

I wish a belated Happy St. Patrick’s Day to one and all. I hope you all had a good time feasting corned beef and cabbage, maybe a pint of Guinness. I stayed in due to that worldwide pandemic that’s got everyone freaked out. I even closed up the Museum of Schlock and will be blogging from a remote location in the Florida Everglades. I just hope that thieves don’t ransack the Nightmare City display. Those sports coats from the movie set me back six figures.

Leprechaun 3

Tonight’s movie is 1995’s Leprechaun 3, which is also known as Leprechaun 3: In Las Vegas. This makes sense as the movie takes place in Las Vegas. Brian Medwin Trenchard-Smith serves as director this time around, and Warwick Davis returns as Lubdan the Leprechaun. I didn’t know this character had a name. Granted, I’m no Leprechaun expert, but I imagine this series of movies has its devotees much like the Friday the 13^th and Nightmare on Elm Street movies. I can’t imagine anything in this world sadder than Leprechaun fandom. They probably flipped out over the WWE Studios remake that completely negated the canon.

L3B

The movie begins with a stone statue of Lubdan getting sold for twenty bucks to Gupta (Marcelo Tubert), an Indian pawnshop owner in Las Vegas. Gupta is warned not to remove the magic medallion around his neck. Naturally, Gupta removes the charm and before you know, Lubdan is snacking on his ear remarking, “I love Indian food.” Gupta manages to ward him off with the charm. Lubdan runs away with his pot of gold coins, but leaves one behind. Now this is interesting. Gupta finds a CD-ROM on World Folklore and researches all he can on leprechauns. For instance, leprechauns love potatoes, but can’t stand the presence of another leprechaun. Also, you can wish for anything you want if you make the wish while holding a leprechaun’s gold coin.

burn-3509504_1920

What’s a CD-ROM? Well, before the Internet became the sole source of all knowledge and wisdom in modern society, human beings used to store information on these interactive CDs they’d slip into CD drives on their personal computers. They contained fancy graphic and sound, sometimes even little mini games. Will Smith sung about a 101 Dalmatians CD-ROM that he bought for his son in his 1997 hit song, “Just the Two of Us.” I hope I gave you younglings some valuable history.

L3D (1)

Back to the movie. Uhhhh. There’s a scene of Lubdan the Leprechaun running into an Elvis impersonator, or maybe Elvis himself? Lubdan actually digs Elvis’s threads and Elvis digs Lubdan’s threads. Elvis even compliments Lubdan’s pointy boots and wonders if they come in blue suede. It’s actually a cordial meeting and it’s nice to see Lubdan not try and take a bite out of Elvis. See, we can be civil.

L3C

I remember that Big Trouble in Little China movie. Lo Pan is described as “The Ultimate Evil Spirit,” but I think Lubdan could give him a run for his money. In fact, I’d like to see a Big Trouble in Little Ireland movie, get to see Jack Burton versus the evil leprechaun. Of course, I also want to see Chucky vs. Leprechaun. And how about TRON 3 already! Why aren’t I running Hollywood?

Photo by Leslie Salas

Jeff Shuster (episode 47, episode 102, episode 124, episode 131, and episode 284) is an MFA graduate from the University of Central Florida.

The Curator of Schlock #313: Jason X

13 Friday Mar 2020

Posted by thedrunkenodyssey in Horror, Science Fiction, The Curator of Schlock

≈ Leave a comment

The Curator of Schlock #313 by Jeff Shuster

Jason X

Friday the 13^th…in Space!

Happy Friday the 13^th! Be sure to avoid walking under ladders, toss that spilled salt over your right shoulder, and if a black cat crosses your path, turn around and walk in the opposite direction. And I guess since it is Friday the 13^th, I have to now visit a chapter from the ongoing saga of Jason Voorhees, our favorite mentally-challenged mass murderer. Tonight, we’ll be covering the tenth movie in this series, Jason X.

JasonX1 (1)

2001’s Jason X from director Jim Isaac stars David Cronenberg as Dr. Wimmer, a scientist who wants to study the regenerative powers of one Jason Voorhees (Kane Hodder). Another scientist named Rowan LaFontaine (Lexa Doig) wants to put Jason in cryogenic stasis because Jason has the tendency to go around murdering lots of people. Dr. Wimmer overrules her, but that doesn’t matter since Jason escapes his bonds and massacres everyone except for Rowan, who he stabs before she switches on the cryogenic machine freezing them both.

JasonX2 (1)

Four-hundred and forty-five years later, an archaeological expedition is exploring a now- ruined Earth. A Professor Brandon Lowe (Jonathan Potts) and a bunch of future victims—I mean students—find Jason Voorhees and Rowan LaFontaine still frozen and retrieve them. They have fancy nanobots to repair wounds. Hey, if some machete-wielding maniac chops off your arm, some nanobots will fix you good as new.

JasonX3

This is a bizarre movie. It’s a Canadian production like most Friday the 13^th movies, but it has more of a feel of a Canadian science fiction series. Two of the main actors in this movie, Lexa Doig and Lisa Ryder, both starred on Gene Roddenberry’s Andromeda. It wouldn’t surprise if they used the same sets from that series for this movie. Funny. Lexa Doig played an android on Andromeda and Lisa Ryder plays an android in Jason X.

The rest of the movie takes place on a spaceship. The students use the nanobots to save Rowan’s life while they leave what they believe to be the carcass of Jason Voorhees to defrost in the lab. Professor Lowe thinks people will pay big bucks to see a woman from the early 21^st century, but his colleague on a nearby space station says no one will care. However, he suggests that people would be willing to pay to see the corpse of Jason Voorhees since he is a famous mass murderer even hundreds of years in the future.

JasonX4 (1)

I guess Professor Lowe’s dreams of wine, women, and song gets dashed when Jason re-animates and starts massacring the crew. There are some space marines on the ship, but Jason makes quick work of ’em. So much for the BFG. Later in the movie, we get to see a fight between Jason and the android, Kay-em 14 (Lisa Rider). It’s kind of neat because she feels no fear due to her being a robot and all. She kicks his butt and it seems that Jason is finally down for the count. Then some nanobots fix him up and turn him into Uber Jason. I wonder if Jason X is considered Friday the 13^th canon, or if I must forget about it under penalty of torture.

Photo by Leslie Salas.

Jeff Shuster (episode 47, episode 102, episode 124, episode 131, and episode 284) is an MFA graduate from the University of Central Florida.

The Curator of Schlock #312: Gerry Anderson’s UFO

06 Friday Mar 2020

Posted by thedrunkenodyssey in Film, Science Fiction, The Curator of Schlock

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Gerry Anderson’s UFO

The Curator of Schlock #312 by Jeff Shuster

Gerry Anderson’s UFO

Old TV > New TV

No movie this week, but that doesn’t mean I have nothing to blog about. Besides movies, I have wasted a large portion of my life watching copious amounts of television shows. And let me tell you that there is no bigger waster of time than watching television. For every masterpiece such as The Sopranos and Breaking Bad, you get sucked into a ton of series that jump the shark after season three (I’m looking at you Boardwalk Empire). And heaven help you if you’re a fan of science fiction. I know that fans of Star Trek and Doctor Who must be reeling over the demise of their once cherished television series. I have no words of comfort to give you, but I can suggest that if dig deep into the past, you might find something worth your time.

ufo1

Over the past few months, I’ve been watching Gerry Anderson’s UFO, a neat little science fiction series that aired from 1970 to 1973. This was Gerry Anderson’s first foray into a live action television series. Previous efforts involved puppet shows such as Thunderbirds and Stingray. One of the advantages of working on those puppet shows is the ample expertise with model effects Anderson’s team attained while working on them. On UFO, we get flying spaceships, a moon base, and even an underwater submarine. I’m sure audiences back in 1970 would have been wowed by special effects more akin to 2001 A Space Odyssey than the limited scope shown on the original Star Trek or Doctor Who.

ufo2

What’s the show about? In the not too distant future, the governments of the world become aware that aliens from outer space are abducting human beings for sinister purposes. The United Nations sets up a secret organization called SHADO (Supreme Headquarters Alien Defense Organization) in order to avoid widespread panic among the populace. The show takes place in a retro-futuristic future 1980s where people actually have a better sense of style than the real 1980s. Check out the ladies with the purple hair.

ufo3

Col. Edward Straker (Ed Bishop) runs SHADO while he pretends to run a movie studio by day. In fact, SHADO operates from an underground bunker beneath the studio. Those are like my two dream jobs: movie producer and planet Earth defender. Other rotating members of SHADO are a who’s who of character actors from British and European cinema of the 1970s. I saw some of my Gialli and Hammer Horror regulars make an appearance on this show. Stephanie Beacham even guest-starred.

UFO4

This is an episodic series at its core so don’t expect too much progress on the fight between SHADO and this alien race. We do find out in the first episode that the aliens are harvesting human organs to keep their own race alive. They are a dying and infertile race due to years of their polluting their planet’s environment. One episode revolves around the aliens turning regular human beings into killing machines by altering their body chemistry. Another favorite of mine involves a madman using time travel technology given to him by the aliens, allowing him to freeze time and capture Col. Straker.

I’m nearing the final episodes of this show and I doubt I’ll get any closure, but closure is overrated. It’s enough that I get to see spaceships blowing up those spinning UFOs. Gerry Anderson had planned to follow up to this series and that eventually became the show we now know as Space 1999. I look forward to tackling that one some day.

Photo by Leslie Salas

Jeff Shuster (episode 47, episode 102, episode 124, episode 131, and episode 284) is an MFA graduate from the University of Central Florida.

The Curator of Schlock #311: Space Raiders

28 Friday Feb 2020

Posted by thedrunkenodyssey in Film, Science Fiction, The Curator of Schlock

≈ Leave a comment

The Curator of Schlock #311 by Jeff Shuster

Space Raiders

It’s got robots in it.

We’re on Week 4 of Star Wars/Star Trek Wannabe Month here at the Museum of Schlock, and this cannot end fast enough. Is there anything in this world worse than bad science fiction? Is there anything worse than Star Trek: Picard? I wouldn’t know. It’s not like I watch that show. I used to dunk the heads of devotees of Captain Jean-Luc Picard in toilets back in high school. I can imagine them watching Star Trek: Picard right now seeing their once respected starship captain (and part-time archaeologist) reduced to a doddering old fool who everyone hates.

raiders1

But we’re not here to talk about Star Trek. We’re here to talk about 1983’s Space Raiders from director Howard R. Cohen and producer Roger Corman. As we know, Roger Corman produced the science fiction classic Battle Beyond the Stars that featured an original score from James Horner and special effects by James Cameron. Roger Corman must have been really impressed by their work on that film because he reused the same score and the same model effects for this movie! Just pretend that Space Raiders takes place in the Battle Beyond the Stars cinematic universe and you’ll be fine.

I think I’m going to cry now.

raiders2 (1)

The movie begins with a young boy named Peter (David Mendenhall) hunting for some lizard like creature at a spaceship port on a planet called Procyon III. Yes, this movie features a kid as the protagonist. Why do they do this? Everyone hates kids in science fiction properties. Just ask Jake Lloyd. People accused him of destroying Star Wars all throughout his childhood. I guess they’ll be leaving him alone now that they’ve moved on to picking apart the Disney Star Wars trilogy. Jake, you still have Jingle All the Way to your credit. They can’t take that away from you.

raiders3 (1)

Let’s get back to Space Raiders. So some space pirates are having a shootout with some corporate goons who work for an evil corporation known imaginatively as The Company. They are lead by the fearless Captain Hawk (Vince Edwards), a former space military leader turned space pirate because he got disillusioned with the system or something. They steal some experimental spacecraft and, wouldn’t you know it, young Peter has stowed away on the vessel. Also, young Peter is the son of the woman who runs The Company. What a pickle.

Other members of Captain Hawk’s crew consist of sharpshooter Amanda (Patsy Pease) and alien psychic Flightplan (Thom Christopher). Captain Hawk decides he’s going to figure out a way to return young Peter back to his parents even if they are evil intergalactic corporatists with an army of robots at their disposal. Meanwhile, they stop at some space station run by a froggy alien named Zariatin (Ray Stewart) who doesn’t like young kids poking around his station. Zariatin is just a big meanie, and he’s ugly too!

raiders4 (1)

Will Peter get returned to his home planet? Yes. Will every member of Captain Hawk’s crew get killed? Yes. Could all of this have been avoided if Peter had just gone home instead of stowing away on the spacecraft? Yes. Did I enjoy the movie? Not really. Is it better than Battle Beyond the Stars? No way! Is Roger Corman a cheapskate? I’ll let you decide.

Photo by Leslie Salas.

Jeff Shuster (episode 47, episode 102, episode 124, episode 131, and episode 284) is an MFA graduate from the University of Central Florida.

The Curator of Schlock #310: The Black Hole

21 Friday Feb 2020

Posted by thedrunkenodyssey in Horror, Science Fiction, The Curator of Schlock

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

Gary Nelson, John Barry, The Black Hole, The Curator of Schlock

The Curator of Schlock #310 by Jeff Shuster

The Black Hole

It’s not the worst thing ever made.

Have I ever covered a Disney movie on this blog? I don’t remember. I know I’ve screamed about TRON enough times, but didn’t review that one. I’ve toyed with the idea of writing about the loathsome animated Robin Hood, but I can’t bring myself to watch it again. I know there are some of you out who do love that movie. Try watching it when you’re not hopped up on goofballs. Anyway, I needed another science fiction spectacular from the age that followed the release of the original Star Wars so get ready for Disney’s The Black Hole.

BH1

1979’s The Black Hole from director Gary Nelson is not a Star Wars rip off. In fact, I suspect this movie would have reached the silver screen regardless of Star Wars. What we get with this production is a kind of Irwin Allen disaster movie meets 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea. The movie begins with a sumptuous score from the great John Barry, so at least our ears are in for a treat. And then we lay eyes on the majestic, yet foreboding black hole, a decent special effect considering the production team couldn’t get Industrial Light & Magic to lend a hand.

BH4

And the movie features a great cast of 70s motion picture regulars. We have the crew of the USS Palomino, a spacefaring vessel made up of Captain Dan Holland (Robert Forster), Lieutenant Charlie Pizer (Joseph Bottoms), Dr. Alex Durant (Anthony Perkins), journalist Harry Booth (Ernest Borgnine), Dr. Kate McCrae (Yvette Mimieux), and a robot named Vincent (voiced by Roddy McDowell). They go investigate the USS Cygnus, which had gone missing twenty years earlier. Somehow they ship emits a gravity field that prevents it from getting sucked into the black hole. Don’t ask me how this done. I read that Neil deGrasse Tyson was not too impressed with the science on display in this motion picture.

BH2

The crew of the Palomino boards the Cygnus and is greeted by a scary looking robot named Maximillian, this hulking red giant with a glowing red eye and propellers for hands. Unpleasant robots run the whole ship from robed, silver faced drones to bug-faced soldiers. This is not a good place to be, but the crew needs to repair their ship before they can take off again. The solitary human being on the Cygnus crew is the ship’s captain, Dr. Hans Reinhardt (Maximillian Schell). I get a real Captain Nemo vibe off of this guy. He’s a mad genius who wants to fly the Cygnus through the black hole and see what’s on the other side.

BH3 (1)

Captain Holland asks Dr. Schell what happened to the crew, and he says they left the ship a long time ago. Dr. Schell prefers his robots to people anyway. Dr. Durant admires the genius of Dr. Schell, but the rest of the Palomino crew doesn’t trust him. There are some shocking surprises in store, but I’ll let you experience them on your own. The Black Hole is not a perfect movie, but I was awfully impressed by the set design. The Cygnus is a cathedral of death in the middle of space and might be the creepiest spaceship I’ve ever seen. In fact, The Black Hole might be the closest thing to horror movie Disney has ever produced.

Photo by Leslie Salas.

Jeff Shuster (episode 47, episode 102, episode 124, episode 131, and episode 284) is an MFA graduate from the University of Central Florida.

The Curator of Schlock #309: Galaxina

14 Friday Feb 2020

Posted by thedrunkenodyssey in Science Fiction, The Curator of Schlock

≈ Leave a comment

The Curator of Schlock #309 by Jeff Shuster

Galaxina

Is this worse than Casino Royale?

Happy Valentine’s Day. Well, happy Valentine’s Day to everyone else, but me. Beatrice broke up with me about six months ago, complained that I didn’t have a five-year plan. I don’t even know what that means. Maybe I made her watch Howard the Duckone too many times. And I maybe I showed up to our anniversary dinner in a duck costume, but that’s neither here nor there. Whatever. I’m fine being a bachelor once again…I’m so lonely…

Galaxina1

Hey, don’t worry about it. I’ve got a sexy sci-fi film I’d like to recommend to you tonight and by recommend, I mean the exact opposite of recommend. It’s 1980’s Galaxina from director William Sachs. The first thing I decided to do was check to see if William Sachs was involved with Casino Royale, the disastrous James Bond parody from 1967. He was not, but Galaxina is almost as bad as Casino Royale. Film critic Richard Roeper once said that the most offensive thing a comedy could be is to not be funny.

Galaxina is not funny.

Galaxina2 (1)

The main draw of this motion picture is Dorothy Stratton, 1980’s Playboy Playmate of the Year, starring as Galaxina, an intergalactic police android. Dorothy Stratton could have been the Marilyn Monroe of the 1980s, but her life was tragically cut short. I do feel sorry for her and those who had high hopes for her stardom, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to give this movie a pass. Anyway, Galaxina makes up one member of the crew of the police spaceship Infinity. She is joined by the moronic Captain Cornelius Butt (Avery Schreiber), manly Sgt. Thor (Stephen Macht), druggie space cowboy Pvt. Buzz (J.D. Hinton), a Confucius impersonator named Sam (Tad Horino), a bat like creature named Maurice (Lionel Mark Smith), and a rock eating alien named Rock-Eater (voiced by Herb Kaplowitz).

Galaxina3

Rock-Eater says he eats rocks because it’s how he “gets his rocks off.” This joke is told maybe two or three times in this movie. It wasn’t funny the first time. The movie plays itself off like a parody of Star Trek and Star Wars. You get a brothel filled with aliens instead of a cantina. Captain Butts puts a paper bag over the head of one of the bird-faced prostitutes before taking her upstairs. Ha ha? You get a restaurant that has human meat on the menu. The specialty is “chilled lady fingers.” Ha ha. The barkeep has pointy ears and is named Mr. Spot. Ha ha. You get a gang of bikers who worship their god Harley-David-Son. Ha ha.

Galaxina4 (1)

Yeah, it’s not funny. I like a good comedy. I’ve probably watched Beverly Hills Cop at least fifty times. You can make a great parody of Star Trek and Star Wars. Galaxy Quest and Spaceballs proved that. Just skip Galaxina. That’s two for two this month. Next week is Disney’s The Black Hole. I could use some cheering up. Disney knows how to deliver those happily ever endings, right?

Photo by Leslie Salas.

Jeff Shuster (episode 47, episode 102, episode 124, episode 131, and episode 284) is an MFA graduate from the University of Central Florida.

The Curator of Schlock #308: The Shape of Things to Come

07 Friday Feb 2020

Posted by thedrunkenodyssey in Science Fiction, The Curator of Schlock

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

HG Wells, The Shape of Things to Come

The Curator of Schlock #308 by Jeff Shuster

H.G. Wells’ The Shape of Things to Come

Is this a lost TV pilot?

Hey nerds! That sci-fi crap is real big right now. We just wrapped up another Star Wars trilogy, Jean-Luc Picard is back in the saddle, and Doctor Who is as nonsensical as ever. You geeks must be in hog heaven right now. We at the Museum of Schlock are here to please, and this month is filled with some galaxy hopping classics. In other words, we’re showcasing some Star Wars wannabes. Enjoy.

Original Cinema Quad Poster - Movie Film Posters

Tonight’s movie is 1979’s H.G. Wells’ The Shape of Things to Come from director George McCowan. I never read the novel, but I have it on good authority that this is a faithful adaptation. The backdrop for the movie is a colony on the Moon called New Washington. Humans evacuated the Earth after some robots ran amok and caused a massive nuclear war. I’m sure it can all be traced back to that Tony Robbins interview with Sophia the Robot. Anyway, they terraformed the moon and built a knockoff of EPCOT Center. In fact, I think I saw a duplicate of Spaceship Earth through one of the windows of an office building.

Things2 (1)

Okay. So there’s a plot here … somewhere. Oh, we have an extra-evil Jack Palance as the villainous Omus, the Robot Master of Delta 3. You know he’s evil because he dons a purple cape. The citizens of New Washington get an anti-radiation drug from the planet, Delta 3, but Omus reprogrammed all of the robots to obey him and booted Nikki (Carol Lynley), the leader of Delta 3, from power. Omus wants robots to take over the moon because they’re better than people or some such nonsense.

Things3

One thing I can’t get over about this motion picture is how cheap everything looks. You Doctor Who fans should feel right at home. All the robots in this movie are boxy and have Slinky arms they wave around menacingly. Some rooms have those swooshing doors like you see on Star Trek, but other rooms have regular doors that swing open. There’s no consistency. I guess most of the budget went to the Starstreak, the interstellar vessel that will carry our heroes to Delta 3 to stop Omus.

Right. Plot. Some would-be heroes decide to take the Starstreak, the moon colony’s defense vessel, to travel to Delta 3 and capture Omus. We’ve got Dr. John Caball, the science advisor to the moon colony, John, his handsome son, and Kim Smedley, the foxy daughter of the moon colony leader, Senator Smedley. Don’t be expecting any romance between John and Kim as there’s no chemistry between them. Dr. Caball does get some radiation poisoning so you get see him writhe in pain every so often, which is more funny to see than it should be.

Things4 (1)

Speaking of funny, there’s a robot companion with their group named Sparks. He’s a good Robot who can teleport instantaneously to any place that he needs to be. This prevents the robot from having to walk wherever he needs to go. I’m sure the actor in the suit was happy for that. What else? Omus melts Dr. Caball’s brain with a sparkly disco ball. Oh, and Omus ends up blowing up the entire planet. John, Kim, Nikki, and Sparks manage to escape, but didn’t they basically fail in their mission? Where is the moon colony going to get their anti-radiation drug from? I guess everyone on the moon colony is going to die from radiation poisoning.

Yeah, maybe skip this one.

Photo by Leslie Salas.

Jeff Shuster (episode 47, episode 102, episode 124, episode 131, and episode 284) is an MFA graduate from the University of Central Florida.

The Curator of Schlock #308: The Stuff

31 Friday Jan 2020

Posted by thedrunkenodyssey in Film, Horror, The Curator of Schlock

≈ Leave a comment

The Curator of Schlock #308 by Jeff Shuster

The Stuff

You are what you eat.

I finally got around to trying Popeye’s chicken sandwich. For those of you living overseas, the Popeye’s chicken sandwich was a bit of a phenomenon over here in the United States. It’s a good chicken sandwich, but nothing worth crashing your car into a drive-thru line for. I’ve tried both mild and spicy. I prefer the spicy. The filet seems too big for the bun, and it’s a decent size brioche bun. Popeye’s has huge wings, too, not those dinky little things you get at KFC. Are they growing monster chickens over at Popeye’s headquarters? I’m concerned. I like me some big wings, but not at the expense of Popeye’s employees being attacked by mutated, oversized chickens.

The Stuff poster

Speaking of dangerous vittles, tonight’s movie is 1985’s The Stuff from director Larry Cohen. It’s a movie about a deadly, sentient confectionary dessert. One night a railroad worker notices some white crap bubbling up from the earth. Naturally, he reaches his hand in and sticks some of it in his mouth. And he thinks it tastes good. And then he thinks he can package it up and sell it to his fellow Americans. Some time later, a new dessert is all the rage in the United States. It’s called The Stuff. It looks like vanilla soft serve and people are eating it up like there’s no tomorrow. The Stuff tastes great, is highly nutritious, and very low calorie.

Stuff2 (1)

But not everyone is buying into the hype. A boy named Jason (Scott Bloom) wants nothing to do with The Stuff because he saw some moving around in the fridge when he got up for a midnight snack. His family doesn’t believe him, and pester him to try The Stuff. Once you get a taste of The Stuff, you’re hooked. The following day, Jason visits a grocery store after school. He’s disgusted by all the people buying The Stuff and wrecks all The Stuff displays. Eventually, he’s subdued. No one listens to his warnings about The Stuff.

Stuff4 (1)

Meanwhile, the heads of various ice cream companies have hired an industrial spy named Mo Rutherford (Michael Moriarty) to find out what he can about The Stuff like what it is and how is it made. They mention that the same laws that protect the secret formula of Coca-Cola protect The Stuff. While investigating, Mo runs into Chocolate Chip Charlie (Garrett Morris), whom I assume is based off of Famous Amos. Charlie is upset that his brothers overrode his authority and sold his chain of chocolate chip cookie outlets to The Stuff Company to be converted into The Stuff shops.

Stuff3 (1)

I wonder if they’ll sell more than one flavor of The Stuff.

Rounding out the investigative party is Nicole (Andrea Marcovicci), an advertising executive in charge of marketing The Stuff that Mo managed to charm into helping him. As the movie progresses, we learn that The Stuff ends up possessing the people that consume it, and The Stuff then consumes them from the inside. This movie reminded me of a cross between The Blob and Invasion of the Body Snatchers. I’m sure there’s some social commentary about American eating habits and fads, but I can’t be bothered to go into that now.

I’ve got a hankering for another Popeye’s chicken sandwich. Funny. I’ve already eaten about five of them today.

Photo by Leslie Salas.

Jeff Shuster (episode 47, episode 102, episode 124, episode 131, and episode 284) is an MFA graduate from the University of Central Florida.

The Curator of Schlock #307: The Brood

24 Friday Jan 2020

Posted by thedrunkenodyssey in Horror, The Curator of Schlock

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

David Cronenberg, Oliver Reed, Orson Welles, The Brood

The Curator of Schlock #307 by Jeff Shuster

The Brood

Seriously, what is wrong with David Cronenberg?

Criterion DVDs are weird. They have weird special features. On my DVD for David Cronenberg’s The Brood, we have an interview with Oliver Reed on The Merv Griffin Show from 1980. Other guests include Orson Welles and, naturally, Charo. I’m terrified because Oliver Reed starts taking jabs at Welles and I’m expecting the whole affair to get bloody, with Merv Griffin getting set on fire at some point, but Reed spends much of the interview talking about his love of American hamburgers and eventually praises Orson Welles as a god among directors. At know no point in this interview is The Brood even mentioned.

Why did Criterion include it in the special features on the disc?

Brood1

1979’s The Brood from director David Cronenberg is a disgusting little movie. The movie begins with Oliver Reed wearing nothing but a robe while sitting in yoga pose on a stage berating his son in front of live audience. No, this isn’t a method-acting lesson, but a public therapy session. Oliver Reed stars as Dr. Hal Ragian, a psychotherapist who runs the Somatree Institute where he employs the use of psychoplasmics, a therapy method that has patients unleash their suppressed feelings by physically altering their bodies through pure will of the mind.

Brood2

Frank Carveth (Art Hindle) thinks Dr. Ragian is a quack. Nola Carveth (Samantha Eggar), Frank’s wife, is a patient at Somatree, dealing with anger issues while fighting with Frank over custody of Candace (Cindy Hinds), their five-year-old daughter. Frank notices marks and cuts on Candace’s back and doesn’t want her staying at Somatree. Dr. Ragain tells Frank that Nola needs Candace there to help with her therapy. He tells Frank that he’d better bring Candace back the following weekend or there will be legal action.

Brood4

Frank drops Candace off with his mother-in-law while he goes talk to a lawyer. I suppose Candace is having a better time with Grandma, as she seems more mellow than her mother. Granted, Grandma is indulging in some Scotch and it’s not even 3 PM. While going to refresh her drink, she gets attacked by what seems to be a small child in her kitchen. The attacker hits grandma with what I believe is meat tenderizer. It’s quite awful. There’s blood everywhere.

The child shrink at the police station tries prying some info out of Candace, but the girl remembers noththing. Frank’s father-in-law flies over to attend the funeral. Grandpa and Grandma got divorced about ten years prior, but he gets distraught over her death and decides to get smashed in his old house. Guess who shows up again? It’s that same child that killed Grandma earlier. The child beats Grandpa to death with a snow globe.

Brood3

Frank discovers Grandpa’s body and we finally see what the killer child looks like. It’s some kind of mutant freak. A really ugly kid. Its face is all caved in. The kid drops dead after fighting with Frank for a bit. Doctors do an autopsy on the deformed child. The kid has a beak-like mouth, no sexual organs, and no navel. This is bizarre. You’ll be seeing more of them as the film rolls on. And trust me, you don’t want to see how these things are born.

I could go on, but I’m about to lose my lunch. The toilet beckons.

Photo by Leslie Salas.

Jeff Shuster (episode 47, episode 102, episode 124, episode 131, and episode 284) is an MFA graduate from the University of Central Florida.