The Curator of Schlock #366: Death Walks at Midnight

13 Friday Aug 2021

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The Curator of Schlock #366 by Jeff Shuster

Death Walks at Midnight

Also known as Cry Out in Terror

I got my second vaccine shot yesterday and experienced some nasty fever dreams. I had a vision of Edwige beating me within an inch of my life to the delight of a cheering crowd in Madison Square Garden. Tomorrow, I’ll travel back up to Canada, but Edwige keeps giving me the stink eye. Maybe I’d better stop at an IHOP along the way. Edwige should like their Rooty Tooty Fresh N Fruity breakfast.

Today’s Arrow Home Video release is 1972’s Death Walks at Midnight from director Luciano Ercoli. This was included in Arrow’s Death Walks Twice set which included Death Walks on High Heels which I covered last week. And like last week’s movie, we have Nieves Navarro in the lead!

Supermodel Valentina (Nieves Navarro) decides to take some hallucinogenic drugs at the request of a reporter friend of hers, Giò Baldi (Simón Andreu). He’s writing a story about an anonymous supermodel taking hallucinogenic drugs, but not to worry, Valentina will have her face covered during the experience so no photos taken will identify her. While she’s tripping, Valentina sees a young woman getting murdered by a dude in sunglasses wearing a metallic glove with spikes attached to it. He proceeds to slam the spikes into her face as Valentina screams in horror.

When the story is published, Nicole’s drugged out face is plastered on a bestselling tabloid. She gets fired by her modeling agency for the negative exposure. Nicole is not pleased about the whole situation and tries assaulting Giò at the tabloid he works for. The police get called, but Giò doesn’t press charges. I guess he feels a little bad for ruining Nicole’s career and decides to help her figure out the mystery of that violent vision she had.

I think she meets a shrink at some point that believes the hallucinogenic drug she took unearthed a repressed memory of a murder she witnessed. Nicole is determined to solve this mystery as the murderer stalks her. He tries breaking into her apartment with that spiked glove of his. Her artist neighbor, Stefano (Peter Martell), runs to her aid after he hears her screaming. However, Stefano saw no sign of the killer.

Nicole and Stefano have a torrid affair. I suppose this is where I will spoil the movie so stop reading now if you want to watch. So it turns out that Stefano is a heroin dealer. The spiked gloved killings were the result of an elaborate plan to eliminate his competition. And now Nicole knows too much and has to die. Stefano and his cronies try hanging Nicole in her own apartment. They want to make it look like a suicide, but Giò busts in and interrupts their plans.

What follows is a genuinely thrilling chase scene on the rooftops of Milan as Nicole and Giò have to contend with Stefano and his psychopathic cronies. I got a chuckle when one of them got his head shoved into a pile of heroin. That stuff will mess you up. Death Walks at Midnight had a surprising twist as to who the killer was and that final chase scene made this worth my time. I recommend it.

Photo by Leslie Salas

Jeff Shuster (episode 47, episode 102, episode 124, episode 131, episode 284, episode 441, episode 442, episode 443, episode 444, episode 450, and 477) is an MFA graduate from the University of Central Florida.

The Curator of Schlock #365: Death Walks on High Heels

06 Friday Aug 2021

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The Curator of Schlock #365 by Jeff Shuster

Death Walks on High Heels

One of these days these heels are gonna walk all over you.

Just one more week of Edwige, my kangaroo traveling companion, and I camping out in this abandoned shopping mall somewhere on the outskirts of Pittsburg. Next week, I get my second vaccination shot. Then we’ll be back in the big rig, hauling factory equipment through the Canadian border to save a small town in Saskatchewan.

There may be rumors flying around that a kangaroo killed a man in an illegal street fight, but that wasn’t Edwige. Trust me.

It’s Giallo Month here on this humble blog. Tonight’s Arrow Home video release is 1971’s Death Walks on High Heels from director Luciano Ercoli. This movie was featured in fancy set Arrow put out a couple of years ago called Death Walks Twice. It was featured with another movie called Death Walks at Midnight which I’ll be covering next week.

The movie begins with a mysterious mustached man getting his throat slashed on a moving train. Next, we see a lovely young French woman named Nicole (Nieves Navarro) and her boyfriend, Michel (Simón Andreu), being interviewed by the police. Turns out her father was a diamond thief and was found with his throat slit on a train. The police want to know where the diamonds are, but Nicole has no idea what they’re talking about.

Did I mention that Nicole is an exotic dancer? Yes, that’s how she earns a living, taking her clothes off for mouth-breathing audiences. In between performances, she gets phone calls from a creeper wanting to know where the diamonds are. Later, she’s alone in her apartment after having a fight with Michel. The creeper shows up, clad in some kind of ski mask and glaring at her with bright blue eyes. He speaks to her with an electronic larynx attached to his throat. He asks her where the diamonds are. Nicole says she doesn’t know. The creeper threatens to slice her up with a straight razor if she doesn’t have the diamonds the next time he visits.

The next morning, Nicole discovers a pair of blue contact lenses hidden in her apartment. Thinking Michel is the creeper, she wants to high tail it out of town. She decides to have an affair with a Dr. Robert Matthews (Frank Wolff), one of her many admirers, and runs away to the English countryside with him. Dr. Matthews introduces Nicole as his wife to all of the local villagers. Then, Dr. Matthews buys some fresh fish from the local fishmonger and makes Nicole a fancy dinner. We see extended shots of Nicole pulling off bits of moist fish and delicately eating them. I think it’s supposed to be an erotic scene, but it weirded me out.

Later, while Dr. Matthews is performing fancy eye surgery, an individual in high heels shoots him. He survives the assault, but the assailant is still at large. I immediately suspected Nicole, but she turns up dead in a fisherman’s net. A couple of bumbling English inspectors are on the case, but they only suspect Michel as he’s a drunken playboy who nobody seems to like so it would be great if he turned out to be the killer. Also, Dr. Matthews’ actual wife looks like a slightly more mature Nicole. Very strange indeed. Look for many twists and red herrings.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go find a Long John Silver’s.

Photo by Leslie Salas

The Curator of Schlock #364

30 Friday Jul 2021

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The Curator of Schlock #364 by Jeff Shuster

The Ghoul

Not the one with Boris Karloff.

I’m busy wrapping pennies I found in the scummy water fountain at this abandoned mall I’ve been squatting in. I have a total of twenty one dollars and fifty cents so far. That’ll buy me two weeks of Oodles Of Noodles at the very least. I’ll be eating good.

My life is hell.

This week’s Arrow Home Video release is 2016’s The Ghoul from director Gareth Tunley. This is a British movie so you may want to turn those subtitles on. Remember Sexy Beast with Ben Kingsley? It’s that kind of non-American, not-really-English English.

The Ghoul centers around a police inspector named Chris (Tom Meeten) who’s investigating a murder. He concludes that the culprit must be a “ghoul,” a man obsessed with crime scenes and criminal investigations. His partner convinces Chris to go undercover as a former drug addict who’s mentally disturbed. I guess the idea is he’ll see the same shrink as their main suspect, Coulson (Rufus Jones), and maybe gather new evidence that way somehow.

Chris reveals his dreams to a psychoanalyst named Dr. Fisher (Niamh Cusack). In his dreams, he is a police detective, tracking down criminals. Chris and his old college friend, Kathleen (Alice Lowe), concocted this whole backstory about him being a guy from a well-to-do family who got addicted to pain medication. Oh, and Chris is in love with Kathleen, but she’s dating his partner. Awkward.

Chris stalks another one of Fisher’s patients, the aforementioned Coulsen. He mustn’t do a very good job of tailing him since Coulsen confronts him and forces Chris to buy him a cup of coffee or he’ll call the police. So Coulsen and Chris become mates and start swapping stories about Dr. Fisher. Then they start hanging out with hardened criminals who talk about drug deals gone wrong.

Eventually, Dr. Fisher takes ill and suggests that Chris see her own therapist, Morland (Geoffrey McGivern), to continue treatment. Morland lives out in the country and is a bit of an eccentric. He doesn’t believe in silence during therapy sessions and will ramble on about all sorts of nonsense if Chris doesn’t open up. In one instance, Morland waxes on about a coven of witches who performed a ritual to prevent the Nazis from landing on British shores.

Coulsen is also seeing Morland and hates him with a passion. He sends Chris about a hundred texts and messages warning him about Morland. When the therapist learns that Chris and Coulsen are friends, he demands that Chris cut off contact with him as Cousin has a way of putting bad ideas into your head.

I think it’s about this time in the movie that I’m wondering if Chris is really a police inspector or is he just a mental health patient who thinks he’s an undercover police inspector pretending to be a mental patient that dreams of being a police inspector.

My head hurts.

I think I’ll take a nap where I’ll dream about being a curator that thinks he’s a trucker.

Photo by Leslie Salas

The Curator of Schlock #363: Crimes of Passion

23 Friday Jul 2021

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The Curator of Schlock #363 by Jeff Shuster

Crimes of Passion

Kathleen Turner and Anthony Perkins, together again for the first time.

Hooray. Canada will start letting in fully vaccinated citizens and permanent residents of the United States beginning on August 9th. Good thing I got my first dose a few weeks back and will have my second dose in time to get to the Canadian border by August 9th. Oh, and I found my long-lost passport. Looks like everything will be lining up so I can drive this truck and save that small town in Saskatchewan.

Now back to exploring this abandoned shopping mall.

This week’s Arrow Home Video release is 1984’s Crimes of Passion from director Ken Russell. It’s billed as an erotic thriller, but the whole thing is a pervy affair and what would mother think if she knew I was watching such filth? Anyway, the movie begins with a dissatisfied husband named Bobby Grady (John Laughlin) attending some group therapy session where the men rage against women and the women rage against men. Bobby says he’s in a healthy marriage, but then rants about how his wife, Amy (Annie Potts), has no interest in sex.

Next, we’re introduced to China Blue (Kathleen Turner), a street prostitute wearing a blue dress and blonde wig. She can fulfill the weird kinks of any man in the seedy apartment she rents in the red light district. One man fixated on her is a self-styled street preacher named Reverend Peter Shayne (Anthony Perkins). He wants to save China Blue with his bible and bag of assorted sex toys including a steel vibrator that can’t be legal in most counties.

China Blue is the alias for Joanna Crane, a fashion designer for a top clothing company. She’s driven and hard-working which makes her boss suspicious. Someone inside the company has been selling designs to the competition and the boss wants Joanna followed. Enter Bobby Grady looking for some night work to help pay for his kid’s braces. He follows Joanna to the red light district and becomes fascinated with her nightlife activities.

Eventually, the fashion thief surfaces and is confronted by the boss, thus letting Joanna off the hook. Bobby doesn’t spill the beans about Joanna, but decides to employ her services and has the best sex of his life. He runs to her defense when Reverend Shayne accosts her in the street, but gets knocked flat on his ass. At some point, Bobby shows up at her real house, tells Joanna he wants to leave his wife for her, etc. Joanna doesn’t think she can give her up her double life, the freedom that comes with it, etc.

Meanwhile, Reverend Shayne is losing his mind. There’s a scene where he slaughters a blow-up doll thinking she’s a prostitute. Or does he slaughter a prostitute thinking she’s a blow-up doll? This is an odd one, folks. I’m still letting it sink in. That’s my way of saying that I don’t know if Crimes of Passion is beautiful schlock or a waste of celluloid. Edwidge the kangaroo didn’t know either.

Ask me in about ten years.

Photo by Leslie Salas.

The Curator of Schlock #362: The Zero Boys

16 Friday Jul 2021

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The Curator of Schlock #362

The Zero Boys

From zeroes to heroes in no time flat.

Edwige and I have been exploring this abandoned mall somewhere on the outskirts of Pittsburgh. There was once a Spencer’s Gifts in this mall. Do any of you remember Spencer’s Gifts? I bought my first whoopee cushion at Spencer’s Gifts back in my salad days. I doubt anyone still makes whoopee cushions. There’s probably an app for that now. I am miserable and out of touch.

Tonight’s Arrow Home Video release is 1986’s The Zero Boys from director Nico Mastorakis. The movie begins with what seems like a Red Dawn type scenario. You have a deserted ghost town that’s under siege by some nasty soldiers being led by a guy in full Nazi regalia. The only ones standing in their way are the Zero Boys, a ragtag group of elite soldiers who draw inspiration from Sly Stallone’s Rambo. They are Steve (Daniel Hirsch), Larry (Tom Shell), and Rip (Jared Moses). Steve is the no nonsense leader, while Larry and Rip are a couple of chuckleheads. They shoot down all the bad guys, but then it becomes clear that the red blotches are paint not blood. This a paintball course!

The guy in the Nazi uniform is a tool named Casey and he and Steve had a little bet going on. Basically, if Steve won the tournament, he gets Casey’s girlfriend, Jamie (Kellie Maroney) as a date for the weekend. Jamie screams in protest and Steve lets her out of the bet, but she decides to go along with Steve since she’s furious with Casey. Steve, Jamie, Larry, and Rip head out to the woods along with Larry and Rip’s girlfriends, Trish and Sue. Trish is Larry’s girlfriend and Sue is Rip’s girlfriend in case you want to keep track.

While having a picnic lunch, the six of them overhear a woman screaming. They climb into Steve’s jeep and drive off to investigate, but all they come across is an abandoned house in the woods. They go inside to find the place empty, a note attached to the refrigerator from the owner saying he won’t be back that weekend and to have a good time. There’s beer in the fridge! Larry and Rip decide to party down, but Steve doesn’t like this situation one bit. Maybe that’s because deep down Steve realizes he’s in a slasher movie!

Yes, there’s a killer on the property brandishing a large nasty knife. That’s what Jamie sees in the pouring rain, but no one takes it too seriously. However, when they all hear the screaming woman again, Steve and Larry go to investigate the barn on the property. They discover a VCR hooked up to a television. When they press play, they discover a snuff video of a woman being tortured to death, the same woman they heard screaming. Back at the cabin, the girlfriends discover the woman’s dead body stuffed in a chest.

It’s normally around this point in the movie that we expect the killer to start picking the young people off one by one. But these are the Zero Boys, a group of young men with a collection of modified semi-automatics and itchy trigger fingers. That’s what makes The Zero Boys unique. This is the first slasher movie I’ve seen where the odds between the killer and his young victims are even, a true gift in the kingdom of schlock.

Photo by Leslie Salas

The Curator of Schlock #360: The Children of the Corn

25 Friday Jun 2021

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The Curator of Schlock #360 by Jeff Shuster

The Children of the Corn

He who walks behind the rows.

I had to wrap Edwige in a woolen blanket and tell the officer she was my sick grandmother during a random police stop. The fuzz is still looking for the kangaroo who killed a man in an illegal streetlight. Not that I’m admitting that Edwige is the said kangaroo who killed a man in an illegal street fight since this is a public blog and only a fool would do such a thing. Still, I think we’d better get out of the area for a bit. Canada will have to wait.

We wrap up Satan Month with 1984’s Children of the Corn from director Fritz Kiersch. I’ve avoided this movie all these years as Curator of Schlock all these years. Children of the Corn received an excellent Blu-ray release courtesy of Arrow Home Video, chock full of special features on the making of the movie. This terrible movie has received such tender loving care.

Children of the Corn is loosely based on the Stephen King short story the same name. Back in the day, studios were anxious to get their hands on the latest Stephen King bestseller to spin into box office gold. There was Carrie, The Shining, Christine, and The Dead Zone. And then there’s the Stephen King adaptation I’d rather forget about, but it keeps turning up like a bad penny.

Our movie begins in the small town of Gatlin, Nebraska. Most of the children of the town have joined an evil cult led by a child prophet named Isaac (John Franklin). Isaac orders them to kill every adult living in Gatlin and we get a scene of a bloody massacre at a local diner. Getting stabbed to death by a bunch of little shits is not the way I’d choose to go. We have two children that don’t want to join the cult, Job (Robby Kiger) and his sister, Sarah (Anne Marie McEvoy). Sarah has some kind of psychic ability where she can see the future and draw it with crayons.

We’re introduced to a young couple, Burt Stanton (Peter Horton) and Vicky Baxter (Linda Hamilton). They’re traveling to the west coast where Burt has a medical internship lined up. I guess he’s studying to be a doctor. While trying to find out where they are in the endless cornfields of Nebraska, Burt runs over a boy named Joseph, but don’t worry, Joseph already had his throat slit and was going to die anyway. Joseph was murdered by this deranged looking redhead named Malachai played by Courtney Gains. I kept thinking he was a younger version of Carrot Top.

Imagine getting your throat slit by the teenage version of Carrot Top. Terrifying,

Burt and Vicky are warned not to go into Gatlin by some crusty old gas station attendant, but they find their way to the town anyway. We get a bunch of scenes of Burt and Vicky exploring abandoned buildings while catching glimpses of strange children scurrying away. They eventually encounter young Sarah who’s a bit shy seeing as she hasn’t seen an adult in three years. Burt then leaves Vicky alone with Sarah instead of deciding to high tail it out of town while they still have a working car!

Vicky gets kidnapped. I think Isaac and the rest of the kids want to sacrifice her to the “god of hell.” Shenanigans ensue. The bad kids get their comeuppance. Burt saves the day., Blah. Blah. Blah. If you’re interested in more Children of the Corn, you can check out Children of the Corn II: The Final Sacrifice, Children of the Corn III: Urban Harvest, Children of the Corn IV: The Gathering, Children of the Corn V: Fields of Terror, Children of the Corn 666: Isaac’s Return, Children of the Corn: Revelation, the 2009 Children of the Corn adaptation made for the SyFy Channel, Children of the Corn: Genesis, and Children of the Corn: Runaway.

But that’s not all. There is a Children of the Corn reboot in the works due to get released sometime this year. And from the promotional material, it looks like they’ve gender swapped Isaac and Malachai. Malachi isn’t even a redhead! I refuse! These Hollywood types have no respect for the fanbase.

Just kidding. Children of the Corn is shit. Read the original Stephen King short story.

Photo by Leslie Salas.

The Curator of Schlock #359: Psychomania

18 Friday Jun 2021

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The Curator of Schlock #359 by Jeff Shuster

Psychomania

Don’t look at me. I didn’t title it.

So I went to fill up my tank with the gas I had stored in those plastic garbage bags a couple weeks back. I guess there was a puncture or something because I’ve got diesel spilled all over this fancy factory equipment I’m trying to haul across the Canadian border. Maybe I can hose it down at a car wash somewhere. What a mess. This trucking business is hard!

This week’s movie is 1973’s Psychomania from director Don Sharp. Wikipedia describes the movie as a “British outlaw biker horror film.” Yes, it’s a kind of a of Devil Dog: The Hound of Hell meets A Clockwork Orange deal. This movie was titled The Death Wheelers in the United States which is not an improvement over Psychomania if you ask me. Maybe the title Psychomania doesn’t make a whole lot of sense, but color me intrigued.

The movie begins with a vile biker gang named The Living Dead causing a ruckus in the English countryside. Their leader is a young man named Tom Latham who’s obsessed with death and crossing over to the other side. While not preoccupied with death, Tom and his gang run nice Englishmen off the road and has them crash through their windshields for daring to drive down the same road as The Living Dead. Tom also has a nice girlfriend named Abby (Mary Larkin) who seems way too proper to be in a biker gang, but I guess even criminal malcontents still have manners over in England.

Tom’s mother, Mrs. Latham (Beryl Reid), seems to be a master medium of some sort. I don’t know. She has black candles on the table during the seance and her manservant, Chadwell ((George Sanders), violently rejects a gift of a golden cross from their guests. Chadwell says they are servants of a higher power, but I think I know what he’s referring to. This is some devil worshipping!

Tom wants to know why his father died in a special room in their house, the same room that’s been locked for twenty years. Tom insists on going inside the room himself so he can learn the secrets of the universe or something to that effect. Chadwell and his mother relent. Tom opens the door, goes inside, and the door he entered through has now disappeared! Tom screams to be let out, but no one comes to his rescue. Tom looks deep into a huge mirror and is treated to scenes of himself as an infant. Tom then collapses.

Next we see Tom’s mother and Chadwell are trying to revive an unconscious Tom. Mrs. Lathum lets the secret of immortality slip out of her lips. In order to come back after death, you simply need to believe with all of your being that you can come back. Tom overhears this and thanks his mother. He then leads his biker gang on a mad rampage in town, attracting the attention of the police. Tom drives off a bridge, killing himself in the process. The rest of the gang decide to bury Tom sitting on his bike over at “The Seven Witches,” a kind of Stonehenge monument.

A little while later, Tom and his motorcycle burst out of the grave. Tom is now immortal with superhuman strength. Later, he convinces some of the other gang members to kill themselves so they too can be immortal superman if they believe they can return from the dead. We get scenes of these young malcontents throwing themselves off buildings and out of airplanes. Most of them come back and The Living Dead goes on a rampage destroying all in their path. Abby doesn’t want to kill herself and goes to the police. Will they be able to stop Tom and his living dead gang? Why don’t you watch it and find out? Psychomania is more interesting than anything coming to theaters this weekend.

Photo by Leslie Salas

Jeff Shuster (episode 47, episode 102, episode 124, episode 131, episode 284, episode 441, episode 442, episode 443, episode 444, and episode 450) is an MFA graduate from the University of Central Florida.

The Curator of Schlock #358: Season of the Witch

11 Friday Jun 2021

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Arrow Home Video, George A. Romero, Hungry Wives, Season of the Witch

The Curator of Schlock #358 by Jeff Shuster

Season of the Witch

Also known as Hungry Wives

I think my traveling kangaroo companion, Edwige, killed a Quebecer named Lickity Split in an illegal street fight. I collected my winnings and skedaddled before the cops showed up. Apparently, kangaroos punch really hard. I’m not heading back to that bar until the heat dies down.

This week’s Arrow Home Video is 1973’s Season of the Witch from director George Romero, of Night of the Living Dead fame. Apparently, the original distributer tried to sell the flick as a softcore porno called Hungry Wives.

The film never really found an audience and didn’t gain any attention until Dawn of the Dead became a hit. Hungry Wives was then triumphantly rereleased under the title Season of the Witch.

You could file this movie under the dissatisfied-housewife-turns-to-the-occult-to-spice-things-up-in-her-life genre. The housewife in this movie is named Joan Mitchell (Jan White) and she is 39 years-old. She has a free spirited daughter named Nikki (Joedda McClain) and a workaholic husband named Jack (Bill Thunhurst).

Joan is plagued by bad dreams usually revolving around her being locked in a dog cage by her husband or, more disturbingly, being given a sales pitch on the wonders of suburban life by her husband. Making matters worse, she regularly sees a psychiatrist who can’t distinguish shit from Shinola. And worse still, she’s joined by an insufferable gaggle of the other housewives and weekend parties with Mad Libs games. If I were her, I’d be bereft, too.

While talking to her friends, Joan hears about a new neighbor rumored to be a witch, a practitioner of the forbidden art of spells and magic. Apparently, this was a trend in the late 1960s America, according to the commentary by Travis Crawford on this superb Arrow Home Video release. Joan and her friend Shirley (Anne Muffley) visit this neighbor and Joan receives a beginners guide to witchcraft book. The two of them go back to Joan’s house where they run into her daughter and this obnoxious college professor she’s dating named Gregg. You get the whole Silent Generation versus Baby Boomer showdown between Joan and Gregg when he plays some head games with her friend Shirley. On the ride back to Shirley’s house, Joan has to listen to Shirley complaining about how she’s old and over the hill and that Joan will be there soon enough.

Joan returns home earlier that she should have because she overhears Nikki and Gregg having sex. When her daughter realizes she’s home, she storms off and moves out the next day without telling anyone. Joan’s husband slaps her around for not doing anything. The police get involved, but no one knows where Nikki is. I think it’s around this point that Joan goes all in on the witchcraft stuff, gathering up occult items and casting spells. She casts a spell on Gregg so that they can have an affair. All is going well, but then Joan starts having vivid nightmares about a demon masked stranger trying to break into her house. She then gets the bright idea of trying to conjure something. I won’t spoil the rest, but this is an interesting lost movie of George Romero’s.

Check it out.

Photo by Leslie Salas

The Curator of Schlock #357: J. D.’s Revenge

04 Friday Jun 2021

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The Curator of Schlock #357 by Jeff Shuster

J. D.’s Revenge

Time for another month of devil movies.

So I’ve set up the match between Edwige, my traveling kangaroo companion, and a Quebecer nicknamed Lickity Spit. I’ve been promised safe passage into Canada if Edwige knocks this guy out and I’m putting my money on Edwige. Literally, I’ve placed what’s left of my savings on this match. Daddy needs a new pair of shoes.

It’s Satan Month for this blog and I’ll be covering four films featuring the Prince of Lies or the closest equivalent. Tonight’s movie is 1976’s J.D.’s Revenge from director Arthur Marks. It’s a movie about ghostly possession. There are no bona fide demons in this movie, but we do get a fire and brimstone preacher ranting about Satan. Close enough.

The movie is about a college football player named Isaac Hendrix (Glynn Turman). Life is going well. He’s studying pre-law, has a job as a taxi driver, and a supportive wife named Christella (Joan Pringle). The two of them go out for a night of revelry with their friends which has them turn up at a stage show featuring hypnosis with audience participation. The hypnotist makes the participants think it’s really hot so they start to strip. Then the hypnotist tells them it’s really cold so they start to cover up. During this hypnosis, Isaac sees horrible visions of death and mutilation. The hypnotist snaps the participants awake, but Isaac is now possessed by the malevolent spirit of J.D. Walker, a hustler murdered in New Orleans back in the 1940s.

J. D. Walker’s ghost is on a mission to find his sister’s real murderer, after his sister’s vengeful husband mistook J. D. for the murderer and killed him (J. D.). Did you get all that? I was pretty confused from the get-go, but maybe that was the director’s intent. Anyway, Isaac acts stranger and stranger. He starts buying old clothes, straightens his hair, and experiences blackouts when he takes on the persona of J.D. Walker, hardened criminal and womanizer.

Seeking answers to what’s wrong with him, Isaac finds his way to a church run by the Reverend Elijah Bliss (Louis Gossett, Jr.), a prizefighter turned preacher. Reverend Bliss goes on about how we have to fight our inner demons and keep Satan from entering our house. Elijah’s brother, Theotis (Fred Pinkard), doesn’t like the looks of Isaac, but Elijah’s daughter, Roberta (Alice Jubert), is drawn to him. J.D.’s possession of Isaac takes greater and greater control of him. He wreaks havoc all over town before a final confrontation with his killer. Will J.D.’s soul be put at peace and his killer brought to justice? You’ll just have to watch. This a creepy little horror movie with a great dual performance by Glynn Turman.

Photo by Leslie Salas.

The Curator of Schlock #356: Dead or Alive: Finale

28 Friday May 2021

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The Curator of Schlock #356 by Jeff Shuster

Dead or Alive: Finale

This one don’t make no sense.

I met a swarthy gentleman at a bar called The Grizzled Grizzly near the Canadian border. His name is Jacque Baptiste and he says he’ll get me across the Canadian border if I’ll have Edwige, my kangaroo companion, compete in a street fight. Now I’m sure there’s an ethical dilemma here, but I also have those poor people in Saskatchewan to think about. Sometimes you have to make the hard choices.

Tonight’s Arrow Home Video release is 2002’s Dead or Alive: Final from director Takashi Miike. I don’t know if I can call it a film as it was shot on digital video. Arrow Video issued a statement that they cleaned it up as best they could, but this movie was shot in standard definition and standard definition ain’t high definition.

This movie takes place in the city of Yokohama in the year 2346. That’s the far future! There’s even this weird blimp flying over the city that looks like a flying fish or dragon. We never see it again, but it’s one of those wow effects that’s supposed to suspend my disbelief that this is Yokohama in the year 2346.

This is a bad future. The mayor of Yokohama forces all of the citizens to take birth control pills in an effort to not repeat the mistakes of the past. You see, there was a cataclysmic war that nearly destroyed civilization. I guess by preventing people from having children, you can prevent future wars from happening as there will no longer be anyone to actually carry them out. Still, some pesky citizens still insist on procreating.

A resistance has formed for those that still want to have babies. And it is up to the police to stop this resistance. Leading the charge against them is Officer Takeshi Honda (Riki Takeuchi). Helping the resistance is a rogue replicant named Ryō (Show Aikawa). What is a replicant you may ask? It’s a robot created before the great cataclysm. They are very sophisticated and can pass for regular people except they have super powers. For instance, Ryō can catch a speeding bullet in his hands and send it flying back to his opponent.

Later, we learn that Officer Honda is also a replicant. So are his beautiful wife and young son. His whole life has been a lie. We get a huge showdown between Honda and Ryō and get treated to some flashbacks of the first two Dead or Alive movies. And then the two replicants morph into a huge robot that resembles a part of the male anatomy that I won’t mention here. I think the idea is that they will confront the mayor, but the movie just kind of ends.

I can’t figure out if I’m suffering from an extreme form of culture shock or if Takashi Miike is just that weird a dude. I hear he’s currently in charge of a TV show about magical school girls so I guess he’s gone the family-friendly route. The Arrow Blu-rays are chock full of special features including commentary tracks by critic Tom Men. He’s from Rotterdam in the Netherlands.

Okay. That’s all I’ve got. Time to dunk my head in a bathtub full of ice water and scream.

Photo by Leslie Salas