The Curator of Schlock #285: Seven Deaths in the Cat’s Eye

09 Friday Aug 2019

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The Curator of Schlock #285 by Jeff Shuster

Seven Deaths in the Cat’s Eye

Orangutan at Dragonstone Castle

It’s week 2 of Giallo Month here at the Museum of Schlock. I spent a small fortune on some jars of bathwater taken from the bathtub scene from The Case of the Bloody Iris, the scene where that one model jumped up naked from the bubble bath. I did this purely for research purposes and not for some sick fetish I’m too ashamed to admit in public. I may put these jars on display, but I can’t promise anything. I’m so lonely.

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Tonight’s fine specimen of Italian cinema is 1973’s Seven Deaths in the Cat’s Eye from director Antonio Margheriti (whose glorious name is an easter egg in Tarantino’s Inglorious Basterds).

The flick starts out with a man being murdered. I think he’s getting cut up with a razor blade. A big fluffy cat looks on with bemusement. You could say the cat is eyeing the death. Six deaths to go!

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The movie takes place in this castle on an island off the coast of England, Scotland, or some British country. Oh, and the castle is full of rats too. They make short work out of the corpse mentioned above. If you ever wanted to see rats chewing off a dead guy’s face, this is the movie for you.

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Okay. The protagonist of our cinematic journey is Corringa (Jane Birkin), a beautiful young woman who was away at boarding school, but left abruptly after she upset the nuns. As she’s getting dropped off at her family home, Dragonstone Castle, we see a deformed orangutan peeking out at her through one of the castle windows. Forget about the serial killer, there’s an orangutan loose in the castle! I’ll take my chances with the serial killer!

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We get a dinner scene with a bunch of potential suspects and victims. We’ve got Dr. Franz (Anton Differing), the family headshrinker who must be on call because these rich families always have a few screws loose due to inbreeding. There’s Padre Robertson (Venantino Venantini), the family’s Catholic Priest who must also be on call to hear a few confessions. Oh, and Corringa has a mad cousin named Lord James MacGrieff (Hiram Keller) whols a potential love interest for her when he isn’t being rude and drinking his dinner. Another guest is a French teacher named Suzanne (Doris Kuntsmann) who was hired as a potential mistress for mad Lord James, but she ended up having an affair with Dr. Franz who is also dating one of the older Ladies of the castle, Corringa’s mother or mad Lord James’s mother.

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Are you following all of this? Can you explain it to me?

Bodies start piling up. Who could the killer be?

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I know exactly what you’re thinking.

It’s the orangutan, but that’s too easy. Also, why would an orangutan go to the trouble of using a razor blade to kill someone? Unless, it’s a killer dressed up as an orangutan. What a brilliant idea. You could dress up as an orangutan, kill some people the way a human being would, and no one would ever suspect you. I think I just came up with the perfect crime. Do me a favor and don’t tell anyone.

Seven Deaths in the Cat’s Eye can be found on Amazon Prime streaming.

Photo by Leslie Salas

Jeffrey Shuster (episode 47, episode 102, episode 124, episode 131, and episode 284) is an MFA graduate from the University of Central Florida.

The Curator of Schlock #284: The Case of the Bloody Iris

02 Friday Aug 2019

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Carla Brait, Edwige Fenech, Giallo, Giuliano Carnimeo, The Case of the Bloody Iris

The Curator of Schlock #284 by Jeff Shuster

The Case of the Bloody Iris

It’s a bloody good time.

The Museum of Schlock is long overdue for an exhibit of Giallo, those wonderful Italian combinations of murder mystery and horror.

I’ve got my black gloves, trench coat, fedora, and black nylon facemask ready to go. Hey, just because a man dresses in such manner that doesn’t make him a serial killer. Don’t be so shallow.

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1972’s The Case of the Bloody Iris from director Giuliano Carnimeo is a tour de force of sex, murder, and madness. The radiant Edwige Fenech portrays Jennifer Osterman, a young model who used to belong to a New Age cult, and by New Age, I mean Satanic.

Okay. Maybe that’s too far. Who am I too judge?

What am I judging?

This one guy from the cult married Jennifer, but then insisted that she be shared with the other men of the cult. I guess the orgy lifestyle wasn’t for Jennifer so she left the cult for the glamorous career of a fashion model. Her husband didn’t like that so he stalks her.

Oh, and the movie begins with a murder in an elevator. One of the models in the upper level apartments gets her throat slit. Another model named Mizar Harrington (Carla Brait) sees the corpus delicti in the elevator, but can’t be bothered to call the police because she must get ready for a show. In this show, Mizar stands on a stage and demands that one of the hot and bothered men in the crowd try to catch her and dominate her. If they can do this, Mizar will be his slave, ready to do whatever her captor wants.

None of the men in the audience can subdue her, but later that night, a psychopath wearing a trench coat, leather gloves, fedora, and black nylon facemask ties her up and drowns her in own bathtub.

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The apartment gets rented to Jennifer and her friend Marilyn (Paola Quattrini). During a dinner party with a gentleman friend of Jennifer’s, Marilyn pretends to have drowned in the bathtub, only to spring up naked and laughing at the two of them. Pretty funny. I would be a little creeped out taking a bath in tub someone was drowned to death in, but Marilyn thinks it’s a lark. Jennifer’s gentleman friend is Andrea Antinori (George Hilton), a rich and handsome man who gets paralyzed by the sight of blood.

What else? We have a Police Commissioner Enci (Giampiero Albertini) who is busy trying to solve the murders when he’s not getting all liquored up. He sends his incompetent assistant Redi (Franco Agostini) to keep an eye on Jennifer. Redi witnesses Jennifer and Andrea eating at a fine restaurant while he’s stuck with a sad sandwich. While stuck in his sad stakeout car, Redi spies on Andrea’s fancy house as Andrea and Jennifer make mad, passionate love inside. None of this is getting the police any closer to catching the murderer.

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Who is the murderer? Could it be Jennifer’s obsessive ex-husband who thinks that Jennifer belongs to him (and the other creep-o men in the cult)?

Could it be the demented son of the old lady who lives in the apartment next door to Jennifer, the guy who reads all of those disgusting horror comics?

Or could it be Andrea, the perfect man who seems to have a problem with the sight of blood due to him getting into a car accident with his dad when he was a child, the blood from his dad’s lifeless corpse dripping on his face? I could tell you, but I have to get ready for a show. The Case of the Bloody Iris is currently on Amazon Prime Streaming.

Photo by Leslie Salas

Jeffrey Shuster (episode 47, episode 102, episode 124, episode 131, and episode 284) is an MFA graduate from the University of Central Florida.

The Curator of Schlock #283: Someone I Touched

26 Friday Jul 2019

Posted by thedrunkenodyssey in Film, Sexuality, The Curator of Schlock

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The Curator of Schlock #283 by Jeff Shuster

Someone I Touched

Syphilis ain’t that bad.

Week Four of ABC Movie of the Week is here, and boy did I make a mistake. You see the trouble with doing a theme month is that it sounds great, but then you need to find a movie each week that fills that theme and then you hunt around Amazon Prime to find ABC Movies of the Week, but you realize that not many of these movies survived. There was one ABC Movie of the Week that starred George Kennedy getting attacked by a feral skunk.

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I would have liked to see that movie, but instead I’m stuck this week with a cautionary tale on VD.

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1975’s Someone I Touched from director Lou Antonio is a cautionary tale on venereal disease (I said as much in the last paragraph–I was filled with so much hope back then). The movie begins with Andrew Robinson playing a guy named Frank Berlin and it appears that he’s stalking a teenage girl named Carrie (Glynnis O’Connor). I think this because Andrew Robinson played Scorpio in Dirty Harry and I associate his face with that of a violent psychopath, but it turns out that he’s one of the good guys in this movie. Really, that says everything about this specimen of schlock you need to know. Read on at your peril.

Frank Berlin works for County Health and he informs Carrie that she has stage 1 syphilis. Nothing to worry about since it’s treatable, but Frank will need a list of everyone she’s had sexual intercourse with in the last four months. Carrie’s response is, “Oh wow.”

Next we’re introduced to Laura Hyatt (Cloris Leachman), a career woman who works for a publisher of children’s books. She’s happily married to Sam Hyatt (James Olson) who works in an office building. Or maybe he builds office buildings. I think there was a scene with him at a construction site. Really this movie devoured most of my soul and much of my memory. Sam and Laura are expecting their first child, but unbeknownst to Sam, he has syphilis. He gets a visit from Frank Berlin after Carrie told him that he was one of the men she had a one-night stand with.

Frank tells Sam that if he has syphilis, he’ll have to inform Laura. Sam says something to the effect of Laura having a fragile mind and not being able to handle the stress of such information.

Uh huh.

Meanwhile, I’m wondering if Carrie was under the legal age of consent.

So Sam finds out he has syphilis. He tells Laura that she might have contracted syphilis. Laura gets tested and bingo, she has syphilis. And she’s pregnant!

What about the baby?

This is a bad scene!

But not as bad as the scene when Carrie tries getting some comfort from her mom by informing her that she has syphilis. Then Carrie’s mother keeps slapping her in the face. I know it was the 70s, but dear readers I can’t take the drama!

While Laura initially recoiled at the news that Sam gave her syphilis, it turns out that she’s the one who gave syphilis to Sam.

Turns out she had an affair with her boss.

Anyway, don’t worry. The baby is going to be fine.

Sigh.

Don’t let Someone I Touched ever touch you, take it from your Curator of Schlock.

Oh, look at that. It turns out Steven Spielberg’s Duel was an ABC Movie of the Week. I could have been watching Duel!

Duel

I’m going to cry now.

Photo by Leslie Salas

Jeffrey Shuster (episode 47, episode 102, episode 124, episode 131, and episode 284) is an MFA graduate from the University of Central Florida.

The Curator of Schlock #282: Bad Ronald

19 Friday Jul 2019

Posted by thedrunkenodyssey in Film, Horror, The Curator of Schlock

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ABC Movie of the Week, Bad Ronald, Dabney Coleman, Jason Robards, Kim Hunter, Scott Jacoby

The Curator of Schlock #282 by Jeff Shuster

Bad Ronald

Would you be interested in watching a movie called Good Ronald?

Whatever happened to Dabney Coleman? I remember that as a kid, whenever you’d watch a movie with Dabney Coleman in it, you’d be in for an okay time. He was in Wargames, Cloak and Dagger, and Max Dugan Returns. Oh wait. Jason Robards was in Max Dugan Returns. Could you imagine a movie that starred both Dabney Coleman and Jason Robards? Talk about World’s Finest! Who would get top billing I wonder?

Time for another ABC Movie of the Week.

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Tonight’s ABC Movie of the Week is 1974’s Bad Ronald from director Buzz Kulik. It’s about a boy named Ronald (Scott Jacoby) who is bad. Everyone in town knows this. Just look at him. The guy looks like a super nerd, and I’m not trying to say that all super nerds are serial killers, but the facts speak for themselves. Ronald is a teenager who lives at home with his strange mother (Kim Hunter). He plans on going to medical school after high school so he can operate on her one day. That’s bizarre.

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Anyway, it’s Ronald’s birthday. After chocolate cake (Ronald’s favorite), he leaves to go to pool party that he wasn’t invited to so he can ask out Laurie, the hot girl in his class who is clearly out of his league. She rejects his offer of going out to a double feature at the local cinema. The other teenagers splash water on him as he leaves. No one likes you, Ronald. Just stay at home with your mother. In fact, your mother did warn you that “You shouldn’t waste your time with someone who doesn’t care.”

When leaving the party, he runs into Laurie’s kid sister, Carol, and by runs into her, I mean he runs into her, knocking her off her bike. Carol taunts Ronald, but he takes the barb like he should, but then Carol talks trash about Ronald’s mother and he snaps. He lifts Carol up with crazy strength and throws her. Carol’s head hits a cinderblock, and she dies. Ronald runs home to tell his mother about what he did. He then informs her that he buried Carol’s body in a shallow grave. Ronald’s mother doesn’t know what do. If only they had gone to the police after the girl had died, Ronald could have explained it was only an accident. But since he buried the body, that will cement his guilt in the eyes of the law. What to do? What to do?

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Ronald’s mother has the bright idea of walling up the downstairs bathroom and hiding Ronald in there until until the heat dies down. She’ll feed him through a secret compartment in the pantry. Ronald will, of course, have to keep up with his studies and his daily exercises, but in a couple of months, they’ll be able to leave town. When the police finally do come poking around, Ronald’s mother tells them that he’s run away. The police search his bedroom and find Ronald’s jacket in his closet. His jacket has a piece of cloth torn from it and wouldn’t you know it, it matches the piece of cloth they found at the scene of the crime. Mom should have burned the jacket. Honestly.

Ronald’s mother finally decides to get that surgery she’s needed. She leaves Ronald with some powdered milk and tells him it should only be about a week. Then she dies on the operating table. The house is sold to Mr. Woods (Dabney Coleman) and his family. Mr. Woods has three teenage daughters. Ronald spies on them through peepholes he’s hidden around the house. He also sneaks out at night to drink their milk and eat their hardboiled eggs.

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Did I mention that Ronald is having trouble telling fantasy from reality? He’s been hard at work on a Sword & Sorcery novel while being cooped up in that bathroom. I think he imagines one of the blonde daughters as the fairy princess and himself the fairy prince.

I’ll leave what comes next for you to witness yourself, but if you think Ronald is getting a fairy tale ending, you don’t know much about 1970s TV movies.

Photo by Leslie Salas.

Jeffrey Shuster (episode 47, episode 102, episode 124, episode 131, and episode 284) is an MFA graduate from the University of Central Florida.

The Curator of Schlock #281: Go Ask Alice

12 Friday Jul 2019

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ABC Movie of the Week, Andy Griffith, Go Ask Alice, William Shatner

The Curator of Schlock #281 by Jeff Shuster

Go Ask Alice

More like Go Ask Alice and She’ll Get You High!

We’re on Week 2 of ABC Movie of the Week Month! Are you excited? Yes, you are. Why? Because tonight’s movie is 1973’s Go Ask Alice from director John Korty and stars none other than TV’s William Shatner, star of T.J. Hooker, Boston Legal, and Shit My Dad Says! But you know him as Captain James Tiberius Kirk of the Starship Enterprise, you super nerd. And you now reflect on all those times in high school when you got your head dunked in the toilet for knowing Captain Kirk’s middle name or that you knew for a fact that the Starship Enterprise has only one bathroom. You ask yourself if being a Star Trek fan was worth it as the grungy 70s TV movie unfolds before your eyes.

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There’s a disclaimer before the movie begins, stating that the movie is based on the actual diary of a fifteen-year-old girl, only the names have been changed to protect the innocent. The first thing you see is a fifteen-year-old blonde girl named Alice (Jamie Smith-Jackson) buying a diary and then discussing sex hormones with her mom, and you’re getting angry because there is no William Shatner.

You were promised William Shatner!

Then they play that disgusting Jefferson Airplane song “Go Ask Alice” over the credits and you know the movie will be filled with drugged-out hippies! But then you see in the credits that this movie of the week has a special guest star, TV’s Andy Griffith, and you are reassured that all is right in the world.

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Alice doesn’t start out as a drugged-out hippie. On the first day at her new school, she’s lonely until she meets a nice girl named Beth (Mimi Saffian), who tells Alice about a recurring nightmare she has about being abandoned in the synagogue on her wedding days when her fiancé discovers she isn’t a virgin. You feel that Beth is a good friend for Alice and that she’ll keep Alice on the straight and narrow.

But then Beth goes away for the summer.

Alice goes to a party where she’s force fed some uppers and downers by some burnouts, and now Alice is a druggie.

Booooooooo!

And still no William Shatner.

Until you do see William Shatner and you can’t believe your eyes. He plays Alice’s dad, an English literature professor at a major university. But he looks middle-aged, his hair is brown, and he’s sporting a mustache. And you know all is not right with the world because William Shatner can’t sport a mustache to save his life. And you wonder what happed to the man who four years prior had been seducing green women and striking fear into the heart of the Klingon Empire.

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Just when you think Alice can’t sink any lower, her boyfriend gets her to start hawking pills to some 1^stGraders.

1^stGraders!

And then she finds out her boyfriend has been cheating on her and she runs away. You feel awful for Alice, hoping that Andy Griffith will be able to save her, but you know Alice is doomed. You find out the movie is based on the actual diary of a young girl who was addicted to drugs and then died. But then you learn of the controversy surrounding the book, about how the author may have made it up. Does it matter? Of course!

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Because you just watched 74 minutes of melodrama interspersed with William Shatner sporting one of the worst mustaches you’ve ever seen.

Photo by Leslie Salas.

Jeffrey Shuster (episode 47, episode 102, episode 124, episode 131, and episode 284) is an MFA graduate from the University of Central Florida.

The Curator of Schlock #280: Maybe I’ll Come Home in the Spring

05 Friday Jul 2019

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The Curator of Schlock #280 by Jeff Shuster

Maybe I’ll Come Home in the Spring

Sally Field and David Carradine don’t mix.

Tired of Summer Blockbusters? I know I am. I’m tired of movies that value pyrotechnics over pathos, slapstick over wit, and Rodan over Rodin. Not on this blog!

I want movies that teach me a lesson, that get me asking the tough questions about life, death, and everything in-between. Back in the 1970s, we had filmmakers who challenged audiences and the status quo. They did it on a weekly basis on little network called ABC.

This July, the Museum of Schlock is showcasing the ABC Movie of the Week!

Tonight’s movie is 1971’s Maybe I’ll Come Home in the Spring from director Joseph Sargent. Sallie Field stars as Dennie Miller, the prodigal daughter of the Miller family, who left her life of suburban heaven to travel around with a disgusting pack of hippies led by a disgusting man named Flack, portrayed by David Carradine.

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Dennie calls her parents, tells her how she’s doing fine. All she has to do is ask people for change and they give her nickels, dimes, and quarters. I guess that was worth more back then. Dennie also practices that free love that’s so popular with the young people these days. And she pops pills and smokes the wacky tobacco. And Dennie eats food out of garbage cans. And then Dennie runs away from Flack when he’s on the methedrine again.

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Dennie makes her way back to her parent’s idyllic suburban house. Jackie Cooper plays Ed Miller, her dad, and Eleanor Parker plays Claire Miller, her mom. Oh, and Dennie has a younger sister named Susie as played by Lane Bradbury. Hmmmmm. Lane Bradbury was born in 1938. This would have made her 33 years-old at the time of Maybe I’ll Come Home in the Spring. And she’s playing a teenager in this movie. That’s weird.

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Anyway, Dennie’s parents are thrilled to have her home. Her mom even makes them French toast. Her dad almost calls off from work, but there’s that important meeting he simply must attend. Her mother has errands to run, and her sister has to go to school. Dennie is left in the house to remember fond memories, like the time her parents decided to get separate beds to sleep in.

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Meanwhile, Flak has flipped out after finding out Dennie went back home. He steals a pest control truck in broad daylight. One of the exterminators exclaims how he doesn’t understand the world anymore. The California Highway Patrol chases after him, but lose him. He parks the pest control truck in front of a diner, orders three big breakfasts, and refuses to pay his meals in a restaurant that has bugs, or such was his claim while pointing to the pest control truck out front. He then steals an ice cream truck, first giving out ice cream to the neighborhood kids before the ice cream man chases after him to no avail. Flack snacks on some ice cream bars as he speeds off to the Miller residence.

Maybe I'll Come Home

Uhhhh. What else? Ed cooks some steaks on the grill. Susie is on drugs. The Millers throw a party with disgusting looking hors d’oeuvres. There’s some loud charades. Susie shows up to the party high as a kite. The Millers don’t seem to notice. The next day, Flack shows up trying to coax Dennie to come with him to Canada. Dennie hesitates and Flack says all she cares about is swimming pools and vacuum cleaners. And what is so wrong with vacuum cleaners and swimming pools, Mr. Flack? During all the commotion, Susie sneaks out and runs away. Maybe she’ll be home in the spring? The last scene of the movie shows Dennie vacuuming. That’s brilliant. You’re either the vacuum or you’re the trash. Dennie chose to be the vacuum.

Photo by Leslie Salas.

Jeffrey Shuster (episode 47, episode 102, episode 124, episode 131, and episode 284) is an MFA graduate from the University of Central Florida.

The Curator of Schlock #279: The Boss

28 Friday Jun 2019

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Fernando di Leo, Henry Silva, poliziottesco

The Curator of Schlock #279 by Jeff Shuster

The Boss

You’re not the boss of me!

I’m getting a bit tired of these Wikipedia entries that are three sentences long. You think I remember about half the things that occur in each movie I watch? Sigh. I’m not sure why the three films of Fernando di Leo’s Milieu Trilogy are given such little attention on the people’s encyclopedia. I suppose I could fill out those entries myself, but Wikipedia ain’t paying me, so forget about it.

Okay.

Time to wrap up Poliziottesco Month.

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1973’s The Boss from director Fernando di Leo is a movie about Henry Silva ruthlessly killing lots of people. The movie begins with a bunch of mafia guys sitting down in a porno theater, obviously, to watch a porno fresh from Copenhagen. Henry Silva plays Nick Lanzetta, an enforcer for Don Corrasco (Richard Conte) who has decreed death to this rival mob, something about them not being Sicilian. Lanzetta sneaks into the projection booth, knocks out the projectionist, and sends a bunch of grenades into the movie theater. The bodies of mobsters are charred and on fire. He kills the theater owner on his way out.

This is some cold shit.

Naturally, Don Corrasco is pleased. So is his associate, Don Giuseppe Daniello (Claudio Nicastro), until his daughter Rina (Antonia Santilli) is kidnapped by Cocchi (Pier Paolo Capponi), a surviving member of the rival mob. Don Corrasco will not negotiate with Cocchi. To do so would show weakness and leave his organization vulnerable to more attacks. Don Daniello pleads with Don Corrasco to get his daughter back, but Corrasco refuses his plea. Corrasco asks Lanzetta if he can rescue Daniello. Lanzetta says it will take time and that they should pretend to negotiate a price with Cocchi in order to gain time.

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Cocchi settles for 500 million lira? What’s the exchange rate on that? Five hundred US dollars? Anyway, Don Corrasco asks Lanzetta to keep an eye on Don Daniello because Don Daniello can’t quit blubbering about his daughter and about the flesh of his flesh and about how he’ll go against Don Corrasco’s wishes to get her back and how he raised Lanzetta as a son even though he was some nameless war orphan. Lanzetta tells Don Daniello he’ll go along with a new plan to get Rina back and then shoots and kills Don Daniello for going against Don Corrasco’s orders. Lanzetta then brings the corpse of Don Daniello to a little place I call the furnace to destroy the bodies. I wonder how much the guy that throws the dead bodies into the furnace gets paid.

Yeah, this is some cold shit.

Meanwhile, Cocchi’s men are having their way with Rina, but she doesn’t mind since she’s a nymphomaniac. Lanzetta busts in, kills Cocchi’s men, knocks Rina out, and carries her naked body back to his apartment.

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More violence ensues.

There are corrupt police officials. Don Corrasco eventually determines that Lanzetta is expendable. Lanzetta will not go quietly into that good night. We get a TO BE CONTINUED at the end of the movie, but I don’t think there was ever a sequel. Not that I’m going hunting for it as Poliziottesco Month is now officially over.

Photo by Leslie Salas

Jeffrey Shuster (episode 47, episode 102, episode 124, episode 131, and episode 284) is an MFA graduate from the University of Central Florida.

The Curator of Schlock #278: The Italian Connection

21 Friday Jun 2019

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The Curator of Schlock #278 by Jeff Shuster

The Italian Connection

Henry Silva enters The Museum of Schlock.

Week 3 of Poliziotteschi Month and I’m feeling fine about the whole thing. We’re covering 1972’s The Italian Connection from director Fernando Di Leo. This movie goes by other titles. One such title is Manhunt in the City. Another title is Manhunt in Milan. Yet another title is just plain Manhunt. Curious. Very curious indeed. Well, not really, but I need to meander a bit before getting on with the review.

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The Italian Connection starts out with the head of the New York mafia sending two of his best hitmen over to Italy to take care of some business and even work some overtime. They are Dave Catania (Henry Silva), a fun loving hitman interested in strip clubs and leisure suits, and Frank Webster (Woody Strode), a no nonsense hitman who isn’t interested in having any fun. This could have been a setup for a weekly 70s TV show. Think Starsky & Hutch, only with hit men instead of detectives.

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Dave and Frank have travelled all the way to Italy to have a conversation with Luca Canali (Mario Adorf), a local pimp who prefers the term whoremonger. It seems that Luca ripped off the New York mafia for a lot of dough. Basically, Dave and Frank mean to kill Luca. The local don, Vito Tressoldi (Adolfo Celi), sends a couple of his goons to pick Luca up. The three of them drive to an abandoned building, the two goons call Luca names, punch him, and then Luca punches back. He knocks the two goons out and runs away. When the don shows up with Dave and Frank, he is not too pleased that Luca escaped. The don shoots the goons dead just to show Dave and Frank he’s taking this seriously.

At this point, the movie shifts focus and becomes Luca’s story.

Huh.

I thought this was the Dave and Frank show.

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It seems that Luca has an ex-wife and young daughter he thinks the world of. I wonder why his ex-wife divorced him. Might have something to do with him being a pimp. Anyway, Luca figures the Don has it in for him, but he doesn’t understand why. He meets up with his ex, tells her she needs to get their daughter of school and spend a few days in the country. She reluctantly complies. She retrieves their daughter no problem. As the two of them cross the street to meet Luca, a catering truck runs them over and speeds away. Luca cries over their corpses.

What proceeds is quite possibly the greatest car chase scene I have ever seen. Granted, it’s been awhile since I’ve seen Ronin, but I suspect The Italian Connection beats it. During this car chase scene, Luca ends up on the catering guy’s windshield and bashes it with his head until it shatters and then he grabs the guy inside. Now that’s something special. The movie proceeds to its violent conclusion and, you know, I wasn’t bored.

Good pacing with this one.

Photo by Leslie Salas.

Jeffrey Shuster (episode 47, episode 102, episode 124, episode 131, and episode 284) is an MFA graduate from the University of Central Florida.

The Curator of Schlock #277: Caliber 9

14 Friday Jun 2019

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The Curator of Schlock #277 by Jeff Shuster

Caliber 9

Crime doesn’t pay!

We’re on week two of Poliziottesca Month. I have it on good authority from a friend that the correct pronunciation of poliziottesca sounds like police tes tickles. In future conversations with strangers, I’ll be sure to I’ll be sure to profess my love of poliziottesca with the correct pronunciation. Today, I’ve decided to revisit director Fernando Di Leo, the man behind Kidnap Syndicate. We’ll see if he can scar me this time around.

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1972’s Caliber 9 is a movie about violent men doing violent things to each other. The movie starts out with a secret exchange of packages. One of these packages has $300,000 dollars in it. The other package has drugs or some other contraband. Or maybe there wasn’t another package. I remember a flock of pigeons flying in this one mobster’s face.

Where was I?

The mobsters pick up the package with the money in it only to find stacks of scrap paper. They’ve been duped!

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The mobsters go after everyone involved with the tradeoff. They find this one guy getting a shave in a barber shop and start slicing his face with the razor. All the people they find insist they have no idea what happened to the money. The mobsters tie up the suspected thieves in a cave, set some sticks of dynamite around them, light the fuse and, well, that’s the end of the thieves. Don’t rob the mafia. The mafia will torture you and kill you.

One member of the suspected thieves ring was arrested and sent to prison not long after the money went missing. His name is Ugo Piazza (Gastone Mosvhin) and he manages to get a pardon. Upon release from prison, the mob gives him a lift into town and start asking him where he hid the money. I guess they figured since the suspected thieves they blew up with dynamite didn’t cough up the location in a last ditch effort to save their lives, maybe they weren’t the thieves after all. That leaves Ugo, but he insists he didn’t steal the $300,000.

The mob beats Ugo, steal his identification, and tell him that they’ve set up a meeting for Ugo to meet their boss, the Americano. I guess that means the head the head of this Mafia is American.

USA! USA!

Ugo goes down to the police station to get a temporary ID so he can stay in a hotel. The police ask him where he hid the $300,000. Ugo says he didn’t steal the money. Ugo finds a seedy hotel to stay at and skips the meeting with the Americano. The mobsters show up at the hotel, trash Ugo’s hotel room, and tell him he’d better make it to the next meeting they set up with the Americano.

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So: Ugo meets with the Americano. The Americano tells Ugo that he works for him now as a way to pay off the $300,000 he owes him. Ugo meets up with his old girlfriend, a go-go dancer named Nelly Bordon (Barbara Bouchet). She asks him where he hid the money. Ugo tells her he didn’t steal the money, but plans to find out who did so he can clear his name. There’s more violence, more death, plus a shocking reveal. I’ll give you a hint about the shocking twist: it involves who stole the money.

This one wasn’t bad. No scarring of my psyche.

Until next week.

Photo by Leslie Salas

Jeffrey Shuster (episode 47, episode 102, episode 124, episode 131, and episode 284) is an MFA graduate from the University of Central Florida.

The Curator of Schlock #276: Contraband

07 Friday Jun 2019

Posted by thedrunkenodyssey in Film, The Curator of Schlock

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The Curator of Schlock #276 by Jeff Shuster

Contraband

Fulci! Fulci! Fulci!

About two years ago, I ventured forth into an unknown film genre known as poliziotteschi. I can’t pronounce it. I can’t remember how to spell. In conversation, I refer to these movies as polatzee because it rolls off the tongue easier and it’s not like the person I’m talking to is really listening to me prattle on about Italian crime movies of the 1970s. I ended the last run of these with Kidnap Syndicate, a movie that made me seek therapy because I’d never seen anything as evil as the Kidnap Syndicate in a movie. But I’m better now and ready to brave the polatzee waters yet again.

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Tonight’s movie is 1980’s Contraband from director Lucio Fulci. I decided to give Fulci another go after Manhattan Baby. That was a good call because this is a sublime one. The movie centers on a man named Luca Di Angelo (Fabio Testi), who smuggles contraband such as illegal cigarettes and hard liquor with a team of other smugglers. When the police are tipped off to the smuggling, Luca and his brother, Mickey, suspect the head of a rival smuggling ring ratted them out. That man’s name is Scherino. Mickey and Luca go to see the head of their smuggling ring, a handsome playboy named Perlante (Saverio Marconi) and ask him to retaliate. Meanwhile, someone sets Mickey’s racing horse on fire.

On the way to the stables, they get pulled over by men in police uniforms. One of the men riddles Mickey full of bullets and sends him flying into the sea. Luca survives and vows revenge. And from here on out, the film delivers on the violence. Luca’s wife pleads with him to let this go, to think about their young son. Of course, we in the audience are rooting for bloody vengeance.

What if Luca did decide to put his family first, become the manager of Italy’s first Hardee’s? Is this a movie you’d want to watch?

Get revenge for your brother, Luca. Then get revenge for your brother’s horse.

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Luca investigates who gunned down his brother. He winds up at some combination hot springs/tar pit. I know that description isn’t good enough for you and I’m demonstrating my ignorance of the geological world. The place looks sandy with bubbling pits of salt water spread throughout. Anyway, this old guy hands Luca a slip of paper containing the address of the men who shot his brother. Luca turns around to go to his car, hears the old man scream, and turns around to see some nameless goon slitting the old guy’s throat. Luca tosses the goon into one of the boiling saltwater pits, and the goon gets boiled like a lobster.

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Naturally, there are more inventive bloody deaths coming. One guy gets his Adam’s apple shot off his throat by a machine gun. I’ve never seen that in a movie before! As the bodies pile up, a criminal conspiracy gets revealed. Friends are revealed to be enemies, and former rivals turn into allies. There’s also a disco scene in this movie featuring the song, “You Are Not the Same.”

Check it out. It will give you boogie fever!