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Category Archives: The Curator of Schlock

The Curator of Schlock #251: A Christmas Melody

30 Friday Nov 2018

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The Curator of Schlock #251 by Jeff Shuster

A Christmas Melody

All I want for Christmas is poo. 

I’m still reeling from last week’s column on Raw, a French/Belgium production about the trials and tribulations of two sisters who happen to be cannibals. Sometimes you gaze into the abyss and it gazes right back. Other times you gaze into the abyss and the abyss jumps down your throat, claws its way out of your stomach, and then feasts on your organs right in front of you as you bleed out. No more. The Museum of Schlock will only be featuring Hallmark Christmas movies for the foreseeable future.

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Tonight’s movie is 2015’s A Christmas Melody, from director Mariah Carey. That’s right. This is singer Mariah Carey’s directorial debut, proving her not only the master of the stage, but of the screen as well. But she is not the star of this motion picture. Not that I’m saying Mariah Carey isn’t a star. Not that I’m saying anything negative about Mariah Carey in any way considering she’s worth 520 million and maybe she’ll read my humble blog and give me some money to pay the exterminator to deal with the cockroaches on the fifth floor.

A Christmas Melody begins with a saleswoman by the name of Kristen (Lacey Chabert) who recently got fired. A homeless man with a suspicious-looking long white beard asks her for money. She gives him the first five dollars she ever made which she framed for some inexplicable reason. You don’t frame money. You spend it. You can even spend it on pretty pictures to stick in that frame. Kristen is also a single mom. Her husband died when their daughter was only two years-old. Kristen had big dreams of becoming a fashion designer in Los Angeles, but now she and her daughter must move back to her hometown of Silver Falls to live with her Aunt Sarah (Kathy Najimy) who runs the town diner.

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Out of despair, Kristen makes a Christmas wish to Santa Claus that she and her daughter Emily (Fina Strazza) will find happiness or something to that effect.

What else happens? I think I nodded off at some point. Must have been due to all those turkey leftovers, not this zany romp of a holiday movie. Mariah Carey plays Melissa, the head of the PTA and Kristen’s old high school rival.

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She won’t let Kristen’s daughter audition for the Christmas pageant, and she won’t let Kristen design the costumes for the pageant despite Kristen’s fashion expertise. Melissa is a bit of a diva. I’m just saying.

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Romance is also in the air. A music teacher by the name of Danny (Brennan Elliott) likes Kristen and by like, I mean he really likes her as in he’s had a crush on her since high school. Danny is super nice. By super nice, I mean really bland and really inoffensive, the sort of guy women in Hallmark World really go for. There’s also a school janitor with a suspiciously long white beard that looks just like the homeless guy Kristen ran into earlier. I’d say more, but I’m past my 500-word minimum and Weird Science is streaming on Prime right now. Why are they wearing bras on their heads?


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Photo by Leslie Salas

Jeffrey Shuster (episode 47, episode 102, episode 124, episode 131, and episode 284) is an MFA graduate from the University of Central Florida.

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The Curator of Schlock #250: Raw

23 Friday Nov 2018

Posted by thedrunkenodyssey in Horror, The Curator of Schlock

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The Curator of Schlock #250 by Jeff Shuster

Raw

I’m not moving to France. 

Each year, I try to cover a cannibalism movie the day after Thanksgiving as a means to gross out my readership after they’ve gorged themselves on candied yams and other assorted delicacies. But I may have bit off more than I can chew this time. I watched Raw, a 2017 French film from director Julia Ducournau. This isn’t a fun cannibalism movie like Cannibal Apocalypse. This movie is disturbing. And it smells. And I know movies don’t smell, but trust me, this one does. And it smells bad!

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Why do I do it? Today is Black Friday, the greatest of all American holidays, and I’m here talking about French cannibals. Where do I begin? I really don’t want to remember this movie. So there’s this girl named Justine (Garance Marillier) who’s starting her first semester at a veterinary school in France, or is it Belgium? This movie is a French/Belgium production so it could be either country. It’s not like I can tell. I never went backpacking in Europe or anything like that. And I know if Justine is attending veterinary school, she must be a woman and not a girl, but nothing about her looks or demeanor screams adult. She comes off as very innocent. I guess her parents sheltered her most of her life. Justine was also raised to be a strict vegetarian.

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Also attending this school are Alexia (Ella Rumpf), Justine’s older sister who’s a bit of a wild child, and Adrien (Rabba Oufella), Justine’s gay dorm roommate. On the first day of school, Justine, Adrien, and the rest of the first year students get doused in animal blood and are force fed rabbit kidneys as part of a hazing ritual. Justine pleads with Alexia to get her out of it, but Alexia tells to not be a flatliner or something to that effect. Justine swallows the rabbit kidney and this is where her troubles begin.

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Not long after ingesting the rabbit kidney, Justine develops a horrible rash all over her body. When she visits the campus doctor, she’s advised to fast for a day. Then the doctor proceeds to peel the infected skin off of her body while smoking some Lucky Strikes. That’s just nasty. We don’t need to see that. The rash goes away, but Justine develops a hankering for meat. She sneaks a salisbury steak into her pocket while waiting on the cafeteria lunch line. Justine then insists that Adrien take them out for some shawarma at a nearby gas station. You can get shawarma at gas stations in France? Cool. I’m still not moving there.

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Later on, Justine hangs out with Alexia. Her big sister shows her how to pee while standing up. Then Alexia gets her middle finger cut off while giving Justine a Brazilian wax. Alexia passes out. Justine frantically calls the French equivalent of 911. The paramedics won’t arrive for fifteen minutes. They tell her to put Alexia’s severed finger on ice, but there’s no ice in Alexia’s apartment. Justine gazes longingly at Alexia’s severed finger. She licks it, takes a little nibble, savors the tastes, starts to rip off more chunks, devouring her sister’s flesh. Then Alexia wakes up, a look of horror spreading across her face. You can’t reattach a half-eaten finger. It only gets worse from here. I could go on, but I need to retain what’s left of my sanity. I think I’ll go out for some shawarma.


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Photo by Leslie Salas.

Jeffrey Shuster (episode 47, episode 102, episode 124, episode 131, and episode 284) is an MFA graduate from the University of Central Florida.

The Curator of Schlock #249: Holiday Movie Preview 2018

16 Friday Nov 2018

Posted by thedrunkenodyssey in The Curator of Schlock

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The Curator of Schlock #249 by Jeff Shuster

Holiday Movie Preview 2018

I’ve got nothing.

I was going to cover 2018’s Skyscraper from director Rawson Marshall Thurber. It stars Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson and Neve Campbell. There are evil terrorists trying to burn down the world’s tallest building located in Hong Kong. The Rock’s character has a prosthetic leg and manages to scale the building with it. I mean the movie’s okay, kind of a cross between Die Hard and The Towering Inferno. But I’m not in the mood for rambling on about movies that are just okay. Time for a holiday movie preview. Let’s see if anything interesting is coming out in the next few weeks in the absence of Star Wars.

Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindelwald

 

This is the second in that Harry Potter prequel series that’s being made because millennials can’t let Harry Potter go. I think I saw the first one. I think it featured a baker trying to get a bank loan so he could open up the first Cinnabon. I guess if you liked the first one?

Widows

I saw the trailer for this, a movie about widows seeking revenge or becoming gangsters or seeking revenge while becoming gangsters. The script is co-written by Gillian Flynn, author of Gone Girl and Sharp Objects. Gone Girl is still giving me nightmares.

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Adonis Creed is back along with Rocky Balboa to face his greatest challenge yet, the son of Ivan Drago. Noooooooooooo! Just seeing Dolf Lundgren reprising his role as one of the greatest villains of 1980’s cinema is enough to goad me into the theater. Okay. This one’s a keeper.

Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse

This animated spectacle showcases different Spider-Men and Spider-Women from various alternate Earths. There’s even an anthropomorphic pig called Spider-Ham. We’re on board with the Spider-Ham so count us in for this one.

Mortal Engines

Looks like this one takes place in a post-apocalyptic setting where the city of London is affixed atop a gigantic tank and roams around the countryside destroying smaller, weaker cities. I guess Hugo Weaving plays the evil Mayor of London who wants to destroy all of the other weaker cities on wheels. There’s a young heroine and a young hero. Stuff blows up. Looks interesting. They’re billing this as a Peter Jackson movie, but he isn’t directing. Strange.

Mary Poppins Returns

I wanna see it! We’ve got Emily Blunt playing Mary Poppins for this long-awaited sequel. They even managed to get Dick Van Dyke to come back. I didn’t even know he was still alive. Of course, I didn’t realize Peter Cushing was alive until I saw Rogue One. When are we getting another Frankenstein picture, guys?

Aquaman

Remember that he doesn’t talk to fish. Aquaman talks to the water. This latest DC super hero extravaganza features Jason Momoa as the titular Aquaman, protector of the oceans and of sea life…I think. I’m not all that familiar with Aquaman. This is a bad time to be a DC fan. I just want a decent Superman movie. Why is this so hard? I don’t want to see Batman and Superman trying to kill each other. They’re supposed to be super friends!

So there you have it. Creed 2and Mary Poppins Returns seem to be the clear winners. And that ain’t bad. Have a Happy Thanksgiving! I’ll be back on Black Friday with the usual cannibalism flick.


Jeffrey Shuster 3Jeffrey Shuster (episode 47, episode 102, episode 124, episode 131, and episode 284) is an MFA graduate from the University of Central Florida.

The Curator of Schlock #248: Peppermint

09 Friday Nov 2018

Posted by thedrunkenodyssey in Film, The Curator of Schlock

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The Curator of Schlock #248 by Jeff Shuster

Peppermint

Jennifer Garner as Mrs. Vigilante.

This must be the year of the vigilante film. We had the Death Wish remake with Bruce Willis, which was pretty good. We have that Death Kiss movie coming out starring a “Robert Bronzi,” but we all know someone out there in tinsel town used black magic to bring Charles Bronson back from the dead. And back in September, we had Jennifer Garner of Alias fame getting in on the action. The name of the movie is Peppermint from director Pierre Morel.

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What’s the plot? Uhhhhhhh. It’s been a couple of months, but we’ll see what I can recall . Jennifer Garner plays Riley North, devoted wife  to her husband, Chris (Jeff Hephner) and mother to their ten-year-old daughter, Carly (Cailey Fleming). Riley gets into trouble with the a Girl Scout-like group because she sells cookies at grocery stores the other mothers have staked out for their daughters. In retaliation, the mothers refuse to let their daughters go to Carly’s birthday party. Loooooooser! Riley, Chris, and Carly decide to go to a local fair instead. Carly gets a peppermint ice cream cone that looks very yummy, but she doesn’t get to enjoy it for long as members from a drug cartel gun down Riley, Chris, and Carly.

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It seems that Chris had flirted with the idea of ripping off the drug cartel with a friend, but canceled last minute. That wasn’t enough for Diego Garcia (Juan Pablo Raba), a powerful drug lord who will kill you and yours if you even think about stealing from him. He’s a terrifying character, making offerings to Santa Muerte at his drug compound. Riley survives her wounds, manages to identify the shooters, but it all for naught as the judge is on the Garcia’s payroll. Garcia even has police on his payroll. And then Garcia sends his dirtbag lawyer with sacks of cash over to Riley’s house to bribe her. She refuses the money and testifies, but the judge throws out her testimony, declares her insane, and commits her to a mental institution.

Riley escapes and gets out the country, learning how to be a street fighter over in Europe before she heads back to the states five years later. She must have become an expert on guns and explosives because her first stop is that judge’s house. I think she tortures some information out of him about Garcia’s operation, then leaves a bomb under his chair which goes off after she leaves, leveling the house on top of the corrupt judge. And so it goes.

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The police and FBI try to track down Riley North as she declares open war on Diego Garcia, killing his henchmen and his lieutenants in spectacular bloodbaths. She becomes a folk hero, the regular folk, especially the homeless, declaring her an avenging angel. Corrupt police are exposed. Diego Garcia is brought down. You can think of this movie as a modern day The Legend of Billy Jean…with a much higher body count.


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Photo by Leslie Salas

Jeffrey Shuster (episode 47, episode 102, episode 124, episode 131, and episode 284) is an MFA graduate from the University of Central Florida.

The Curator of Schlock #247: Day of the Dead

26 Friday Oct 2018

Posted by thedrunkenodyssey in Horror, The Curator of Schlock

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The Curator of Schlock #247 by Jeff Shuster

Day of the Dead: Bloodline

Three times is not the charm.

Okay, Halloweenies. Your Curator of Shock is here with wrap up October with the George Romero classic, Day of the Dead. Get ready for zombies that say hello to their Aunt Alicia and prepare to eat a mouthful of Greek salad. Oh, wait. I forgot. I’m under a self-imposed mandate to only review movies from this decade. Fortunately, they released a Day of the Dead remake earlier this year titled Day of the Dead: Bloodline. Does lightning strike twice? Actually, this is the second remake of Day of the Dead, so maybe I should be asking if lightning strikes three times. Or maybe I should just get on to the review because I’m getting confused.

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Day of the Dead: Bloodline is directed by Hèctor Hernández Vicens and is described as an action/horror film. The movie begins with a full on zombie outbreak on a city block. Zombies are tearing open the guts of their victims and chowing down. One has a coil of intestines wrapped around his neck like a necklace (maybe he’s saving them for later.). A young woman named Zoe Parker (Sophie Skelton) hurriedly walks down the street, trying to call her mother while pausing to observe the carnage. I think I’d be running at this point.

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We’re then treated to a flashback from six hours earlier. Zoe is a medical student who’s given the task of collecting blood samples from Max, a creepy dude who has the hots for her. The administrators at the hospital say he has the best antibodies they’ve ever seen. But he’s a kind of a stalker. The fact that he carved Zoe’s name into his forearm makes her uncomfortable.

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Later on, when Zoe is in the morgue late at night, trying to retrieve some kegs for a kegger party the other med students are hosting, Max shows up and tries to force himself upon her. Then a zombie attacks him. The zombie bites some partygoers, they turn into zombies, they bite other people, and soon there’s a full on zombie outbreak.

Fast-forward a few months later and Zoe is situated in an Army base/refugee camp, helping sick children and soldiers. She even managed to get herself a hunky boyfriend named Baca (Marcus Vanco). Baca’s brother, Lieutenant Miguel Salazar (Jeff Gum), doesn’t care about Zoe’s insistence on finding a cure or her insistence on going outside the compound to find antibiotics for the sick children. He relaxes on the latter, allowing Zoe to bring a small company of soldiers with her to the hospital she used to work at. They travel the urban wilderness in two bright yellow Hummers under cover of night. Zoe retrieves the medicine, but runs into an old friend in the process.

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That’s right! It’s zombie Max, and he is still crushing on Zoe. I have to tell you Max, if you didn’t have a chance with her while you were alive, those odds don’t improve when you turn into a zombie. Maybe if you were a sparkly vampire.

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He sneaks back with them into the compound by clinging underneath to one of the Hummers. Max eats some people in the compound, gets captured, but Zoe wants to keep him alive for study because he doesn’t try to eat her. Why? Because he’s still in love with her. Zoe thinks he might be the answer to a zombie virus vaccine. But is it worth keeping Max around just for a zombie virus vaccine? At one point, Max, the zombie, growls at Zoe, “You’re mine!” Let me tell you something, Max. Zoe is not you’re property. You have to be the most sexist zombie I’ve ever seen in a movie. You’re one step above a Nazi zombie and as we all know, Nazi zombies are the Talibans of the zombie world.

Think on that, Max.


Jeffrey Shuster 2

Photo by Leslie Salas.

Jeffrey Shuster (episode 47, episode 102, episode 124, episode 131, and episode 284) is an MFA graduate from the University of Central Florida.

The Curator of Schlock #246: Rings

19 Friday Oct 2018

Posted by thedrunkenodyssey in Horror, The Curator of Schlock

≈ 1 Comment

The Curator of Schlock #246 by Jeff Shuster

Rings

Ring-a-Ding-Ding!

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I’ve been putting this off. 2017’s Rings from director F. Javier Gutiérrez is the movie responsible for Paramount cancelling the next installment of the Friday the 13th series of films. Apparently, Rings was supposed to be their new cash cow annual horror film series with new installments each year. Rings was a box office disappointment, so they cancelled the Friday the 13th reboot. Makes sense as they’re completely different types of movies. Kind of like when Disney cancelled TRON 3 over the disappointing box office of Tomorrowland.

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Instead, we’re getting another Nutcracker movie titled The Nutcracker: We Made This Instead of TRON 3. Yay.

Rings is a sequel to 2002’s The Ring and 2005’s The Ring Two. I don’t remember much about those movies. I think Brian Cox electrocuted himself to death by dropping a plugged-in VCR into a bathtub full of water while standing in it. Ring Two featured Naomi Watts being terrorized by deer created from some really bad CG. They didn’t leave a huge impression. The basic gist of the series is that there’s this cursed video tape. You watch this video and you see all sorts of strange imagery like a woman brushing her hair in a mirror, a wooden chair, a nail going though a finger, etc. Then a phone rings, you pick up the receiver, and the voice of little girl says, “ Seven days.” In seven days, your television set will turn on and a ghost girl comes out of your TV to psychokinetically kill you. The only way to avoid the curse is to make a copy of the tape, have someone else watch it, and stick them with the curse. The only way they can avoid the ghost girl is to copy the tape and have someone else watch it. And so on.

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Rings begins with an airline passenger who watched the video, but was too stupid to pass the curse on to someone else. Samara, the ghost girl, comes out of the panels up in the cockpit trying to kill the guy and the whole plane goes down as a result. Fast-forward a couple years later and said passenger’s belongings end up being sold at some sidewalk sale. A biology professor by the name of Gabriel Brown (Johnny Galecki of The Big Bang Theory fame) purchases the VCR because he’s interested in vintage technology.

I really don’t understand VCR aficionados. They were junk then, and they’re junk now. And yes, this is coming from a guy who knew how to program his VCR. I never missed an episode of Felicity. That’s something I can be proud of.

Professor Brown hooks the VCR up to an HDTV and watches the cursed video. Then Samara calls him up, gives him the “Seven Days” pitch, and Professor Brown witnesses some strange phenomena like rain rising up instead of falling down. One has to wonder, does the curse hold the same power if your watching an old VHS tape through and HDTV or even a 4K TV? That’s going to be a downgraded image. I’m thinking this time around Samara would only have the ability to give you a really bad headache at the end of the seven days.

Professor Brown starts running experiments with the videotape by having his students watch it, copy it, and pass it along. He wants to scientifically prove the existence of life after death. That’s rather intriguing. I applaud Professor Brown and his pedagogic practices. I start to get high hopes for this motion picture, and then we’re introduced to Julia and Holt, a good-looking, but boring young couple who get involved with Professor Brown’s experiments. When Julia watches the video to save Holt from the curse, she gets new images along with the old ones.

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And this is where the movie takes a left turn. Julia and Holt travel to some podunk country town to discover the origins of the curse. They run into a blind Vincent D’Onofrio who used to be a priest who murdered his daughter or his granddaughter.

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I don’t know. They gave up on the only thing the movie had going for it, the science angle. I don’t care about them solving some stupid American Gothic mystery. Paramount, do us all a favor. Don’t just cancel Friday the 13th. Cancel all of your horror movies. You don’t know what you’re doing.


Jeffrey Shuster 1

Photo by Leslie Salas

Jeffrey Shuster (episode 47, episode 102, episode 124, episode 131, and episode 284) is an MFA graduate from the University of Central Florida.

The Curator of Schlock #245: Wish Upon

12 Friday Oct 2018

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The Curator of Schlock #245 by Jeff Shuster

Wish Upon

Whatever happened to Ryan Phillippe?

Wish1What’s up, home skillet? Just your resident non-boomer here, curating the most shocking movies he can get his hands on. I thought I would review a young adult movie this week. We’re all about the young adult movies here at the Museum of Schlock. Heck, we even installed cellular phone chargers up on the fourth floor, free to use for any young patron gracing our establishment. I’m even thinking purchasing some of those super cool Dance Dance Revolution arcade games for our lobby. Super cool, huh? Oh, this week’s movie features that actress who plays Barb on that Stranger Things show you kids are so obsessed with.

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Tonight we have 2017’s Wish Upon directed by John Leonetti. It’s all about a 17 year-old girl named Clare Shannon (Joey King). Clare doesn’t exactly live a charmed life. When she was little, her mom hanged herself in their attic, and Clare was the one who discovered the body. To top that off, her father, Jonathan Shannon (Ryan Phillippe), is a dumpster diver. I’m not kidding. He goes through trash and brings home treasures that he hoards away in their house.

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Hey, I understand. I was a compulsive DVD collector, but I learned to control myself. All four seasons of Heroes have been removed from my shelf. Plus, I only have three copies of Nightmare City in my collection now instead of four. I got rid of the fourth one when I bought the Nightmare City Blu-ray. Still waiting for the 4K restoration. I want to make out every follicle on Hugo Stiglitz’s beard!

Where was I? Clare’s dad digs up a mystical Chinese wishing box and gives it to her as an early birthday present. I think it’s a special kind of father that gives his daughter trash for her birthday. I can’t get over the fact that Ryan Phillippe is in this movie. Wasn’t he married Reese Witherspoon? The last thing I remember him starring in was that Studio 54 movie, the one with Michael Myers (the actor not the masked killer). I seem to recall Michael York chatting about how great swinging London was. I wish I could go back in time to the London of the 1960s, hang out with Caroline Munro and Count Dracula. Instead, I’m stuck in the era of instant messaging and selfies.

Oh yeah. The cell phones are out in full force again in this one. Oh, and cyber bullying. The resident mean girl at Clare’s high school posts a video online of her beating up Clare while letting the world know that Clare’s dad is a dumpster diver. Clare goes over to the wishing box and wishes that the bully would rot away. Wouldn’t you know it? The bully gets necrotizing fasciitis. In other words, her skin rots.

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Awesome! But then Clare’s dog dies from being eaten by rats. Clare then wishes that hottest guy in school would fall for her. He does, but then her estranged uncle drowns in his bathtub. Each wish has a terrible consequence for someone else. Are you getting a Monkey’s Paw vibe from this movie? Think on that.

I have the sudden urge to go wade through some trash.


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Photo by Leslie Salas.

Jeffrey Shuster (episode 47, episode 102, episode 124, episode 131, and episode 284) is an MFA graduate from the University of Central Florida.

The Curator of Schlock #244: Mandy

05 Friday Oct 2018

Posted by thedrunkenodyssey in Film, Horror, The Curator of Schlock

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The Curator of Schlock #244 by Jeff Shuster

Mandy

This is some weird shit. 

It’s October, the time of year when your Curator of Schlock becomes the Curator of Shock. Over the next few weeks, we will be showcasing only the most spine-tingling of tales. Last year, I ended October with a review of The Wicker Man, the one with Nicholas Cage. After I sent that review off to my editor, I laughed uncontrollably for about five minutes. Maybe it was that scene of Nick Cage screaming about a doll that got burned or him drop-kicking Leelee Sobieski into a shelf of pottery or that scene with the bees. Point is that it’s performances like this that cause many people to dismiss Nicholas Cage. Those people haven’t seen Mandy.

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I am so impressed with Mandy that I’ve prepared a letter of consideration to the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences:

Dear whomever it may concern at the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences,

This is Jeff Shuster, the Curator of Schlock. Maybe you’ve heard of me. I’m the champion of all those movies you routinely ignore each year in favor of movies everyone pretends to like, but never bother with looking at again in five years. Except for L.A. Confidential. That was a good Best Picture nomination because I got to see Russell Crowe dunking some guy’s head into a toilet. But now I’m getting sidetracked. My point is I have seen the best picture of 2018 and will now proceed to cram my opinion down your throat. The name of the movie is Mandy from director Panos Cosmatos. He should get best director just for having such an awesome name.

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The movie stars Nicholas Cage as Red Miller, a lumberjack and devoted boyfriend to Mandy Bloom (Andrea Riseborough).

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Mandy is like the coolest girlfriend ever. She reads pulp fantasy novels and listens to Black Sabbath. There’s a tender scene where Red and Mandy are talking about their favorite planets, Mandy’s being Jupiter and Red’s being Saturn. My favorite planet is Uranus. Oh, and there’s this creepy Jim Jones style cult that wants to add Mandy to their congregation at the request of Jeremiah Sand (Linus Roache). He used to be a folk singer before the heavens reached out to him and told him anything in the world was there for his taking.

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Jeremiah summons some bikers who got all messed up in the head due to some bad LSD. He offers them a rotund member of the cult (for eating I guess) in exchange for help in kidnapping Mandy. With Mandy firmly in the cult’s clutches, Jeremiah attempts to seduce her by playing one of his albums, but she just laughs at how bad his music is. Jeremiah doesn’t like that one bit so he ties up Red with barb wire, pierces Red’s side with a spear, and hangs Mandy while setting her one fire before the eyes of poor Red. One of the cult members declares that “Whores burn the brightest.” Then they leave Red with the charred remains of his love.

The rest of the movie features Nick Cage going on a revenge tear that makes Charles Bronson look tame by comparison. He makes this wicked axe with a spear tip that he shoves down this one cult member’s throat and you can see the blood gushing everywhere as he mutters how Mandy is burning in hell. There’s a chainsaw fight, Nick Cage lighting a cigarette off a flaming skull, cocaine, LSD, PCP, and just a bunch of righteous kills. Plus, you get to see Nick Cage screaming while sitting on a toilet in his underwear. If that isn’t best picture material, what is? Please consider Mandy for various Award Nominations including Best Picture. Don’t even stick it in that new Most Popular Film category. Everyone knows that’s going to Black Panther.

Sincerely,

Jeff Shuster


Jeffrey Shuster 1

Photo by Leslie Salas

Jeffrey Shuster (episode 47, episode 102, episode 124, episode 131, and episode 284) is an MFA graduate from the University of Central Florida.

The Curator of Schlock #243: Batman vs. Two-Face

28 Friday Sep 2018

Posted by thedrunkenodyssey in Comic Books, Film, The Curator of Schlock

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Tags

Adam West, Batman vs. Two-Face, William Shatner

The Curator of Schlock #243 by Jeff Shuster

Batman vs. Two-Face

West and Shatner, together again for the first time.

There’s a new insult making its way throughout cyberspace. It’s all the rage right now to label people who may be the teensiest bit out of touch with modern culture and technology, boomers. If like listening to AC/DC or playing Quake on your Nintendo 64, you’d better watch out. Yeah, well, Quake was a good game and AC/DC is great to blast in the early hours of the morning! And, yes, I watched the series premier of the original Magnum P.I. and I liked it! That doesn’t make me a boomer! So shut up and read this review of a Batman cartoon featuring Adam West and Burt Ward.

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Yes, tonight’s movie is Batman vs. Two-Face from director Rick Morales, an animated feature that’s a tribute to the 1960s Batman series John King is so fond of. It features the voices of Adam West as Batman, Burt Ward as Robin, Julie Newmar as Catwoman, and William Shatner as the sinister Two-Face. For some reason, Two-Face had never made an appearance on the 1960s Batman series. Attempts were made at a script, one penned by the late Harlan Ellison, but the episode was never produced. Kudos to Warner Bros. Animation for finally getting this project off the ground and casting Shatner as Two-Face, the other leading man of 1960s prime time television with that Star Trek show he was on (which I’ve never watched).

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The movie begins with Professor Hugo Strange conducting an experiment at the Gotham State Penitentiary with Batman, Robin, District Attorney Harvey Dent, and a host of other law enforcement officials present. He’s created a machine called the Evil Extractor. By hooking the Joker, the Penguin, the Riddler, Mr. Freeze, and Egghead to the machine, he will extract the evil out of their bodies, turning them into righteous citizens. Unfortunately, there’s no machine on Earth that can handle the evil of this group of super criminals. The evil turns into a noxious green gas, but the machine can’t contain it! An explosions releases the evil gas onto District Attorney Harvey Dent who is now transformed into the villainous Two-Face, half of his face scarred into a monstrous visage.

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What follows is a title sequence showing Two-Face on various crime sprees with Batman and Robin in hot pursuit. It’s kind of like we’re seeing scenes from episodes that never got produced. Cool. Batman and Robin finally capture him, sending Two-Face to the slammer, but he makes a full recovery back to his old self with therapy and plastic surgery. They even offer him the job of Assistant to the Assistant District Attorney, a bit of demotion, but Harvey Dent is eager to regain the public’s trust. Who are we kidding? That’s embarrassing! Assistant to the Assistant District Attorney? Haha!

Batman and Robin tango with other super criminals such as King Tut and the Bookworm all while a shadowy figure lurks in the background, a man that looks and acts just like Two-Face, but how is this possible? Harvey Dent is cured! Or is he?

Whatever.

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You know what, this movie is a worth a look just to hear Adam West and William Shatner hamming it up. Unfortunately, Adam West passed away shortly after the production of this feature, but this is a fitting end to his career. Rest in peace, Caped Crusader.


Jeffrey Shuster 3

Jeffrey Shuster (episode 47, episode 102, episode 124, episode 131, and episode 284) is an MFA graduate from the University of Central Florida.

The Curator of Schlock #242: Batman Ninja

21 Friday Sep 2018

Posted by thedrunkenodyssey in animation, Anime, Film, The Curator of Schlock

≈ 2 Comments

The Curator of Schlock #242 by Jeff Shuster

Batman Ninja

Batman + Ancient Japan = Awesome!

Batman Day has come and gone. The Sewer King display at The Museum of Schlock was a resounding success with a whole five patrons’ eyes transfixed on the five animation cells from The Underdwellers episode of Batman: The Animated Series that John King purchased for around $76,000.

Now, while the Sewer King may be my favorite Batman villain, Gorilla Grodd is my favorite DC villain of all time. He’s the Flash’s arch-nemesis, a hyper-intelligent, evolved gorilla with psychic powers. What more can you ask for in a super villain? Imagine my elation that he’s front and center in the Japanese-animated production, Batman Ninja (Ninja Battoman in Japan), from director Junpei Mizusaki with character designs from Takashi Okazaki, the creator of Afro Samurai.

The animation is among the best ever created anywhere.

We will be covering the Japanese language version of this movie not the English language dub which features a different script.

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I don’t even know where to start with this film. There’s a scene toward the end where a giant Batman (composed of thousands of monkeys and flying bats) fist-fights a giant Joker robot composed of mechanized Japanese castles to the tune of Japanese hip hop. It’s movies like these that remind me of why I do what I do.

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Batman Ninja begins with Gorilla Grodd (voiced by Takehito Koyasu) testing out a time/space machine at Arkham Asylum with the inmates as test subjects.  Batman interferes, the machine gets damaged, Batman gets sucked through a vortex, and ends up in Feudal Japan. He skirmishes with some local samurai wearing Joker masks, tries to grapple hook out of there before realizing there are no buildings higher than two stories in the town.

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Turns out the Joker (voiced by Wataru Takagi) and Harley Quinn (voiced by Rie Kugimiya) are in charge of this part of Japan. In fact, several of Batman’s rogues gallery are lords in charge of different territories. These include Two-Face, The Penguin, Poison Ivy, and Deathstroke. Batman learns all of this from Catwoman (voiced by Ai Kakuma) who informs him that she, the villains, and the whole Bat Family arrived in Japan two years before Batman showed up, something about him being the furthest away from the time portal. The Bat Family consists of Nightwing, Robin, Red Robin (I don’t know who that is.), Red Hood (Isn’t he a bad guy?), and Alfred Pennyworth. Alfred has been busy trying to recreate his fine English cooking in Feudal Japan, even going so far as to ferment green tea leaves to make black tea.

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There’s a Bat Ninja clan who believe in a prophesy that a man dressed as a Bat will travel from the future (obviously) and save Japan, restoring order from the chaos.

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What else? Gorilla Grodd wants to turn Japan into a safe haven for simians from all over the world. The Joker and Harley Quinn become poor Japanese farmers after losing their memories only to regain them and become super villains once again. There’s the aforementioned battle between the giant Batman and the giant Joker robot. Robin gets a pet monkey. Or does Red Robin get a pet monkey? I don’t know.

My mind is a scramble right now. Maybe it was seeing Bane portrayed as a sumo wrestler. Or maybe it was that hot springs scene with Gorilla Grodd.

But it was all worth it. Every single human being must watch this masterpiece.


Jeffrey Shuster 2

Photo by Leslie Salas.

Jeffrey Shuster (episode 47, episode 102, episode 124, episode 131, and episode 284) is an MFA graduate from the University of Central Florida.

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