The Curator of Schlock #376 by Jeff Shuster

House II: The Second Story

Sequel in name only.

There I was, stuck in a prison cell in the town of Mooseville in the Canadian province of Saskatchewan. I figured some sort of trial awaited me for the crime of being a tad late with some factory equipment for the town’s canning factory. I had almost given into despair when one of the larger bricks in the wall started to shift and slide out. It hit the floor with a loud thud and out poked the head of a man that bore a striking resemblance to Don Knotts. “This isn’t the way out,” he said. — To be continued.

Tonight’s Arrow Home Video release is 1987’s House II: The Second Story. This movie has absolutely nothing to do with the original. You do get a John Ratzenberger cameo in this movie just as you got a George Wendt cameo in the first movie. I suppose that’s a Cheers connection. And if you’re asking me what Cheers is, it was a very popular sitcom back in the 1980s and perhaps you should get off the TikTok and learn something for a change.

House II: The Second Story is an odd duck of a movie. You’ve got mummified cowboys, cavemen, Aztec warriors. a pterodactyl baby, a dinosaur dog, a crystal skull, and Bill Maher. I don’t know if the screenwriter was high on goofballs or Checkers milkshakes, but you’re in for a wild ride if you partake in this cinematic catastrophe.

The movie is about a young yuppie named Jesse McLaughlin (Arye Gross) who moves into his old family estate with his girlfriend Kate (Lar Park Lincoln). Jesse’s wild and crazy friend, Charlie (Jonathan Stark), shows up shortly after with his girlfriend, Lana (Amy Yasbeck). You see, Lana is a singer hoping for her big break and Kate just happens to work for a record producer played by none other than Bill Maher. I can’t say any of this music related crap has any great bearing on the plot, but whatever. You get to see Bill Maher in an early acting role.

So Jesse starts researching his family history, discovering the story of his great, great grandfather (also named Jesse McLaughlin) and his arch enemy, Slim Reeser. Seems the two of them found an ancient crystal skull back in the old west, a crystal skull that could give whoever possessed it eternal life. Jesse and Charlie figure the skull must be worth a fortune.

The two of them go ahead and dig up his great, great grandfather’s grave. Jesse finds the crystal skull, clutched in the hands of the corpse, Jesse reaches for it, but is surprised when the corpse springs to life and starts choking him. It’s all a bit of a misunderstanding because after the corpse realizes Jesse is his descendent, out come the beers and stories about the pioneering days of the old west.

Unfortunately, the crystal skull has the ability to open up portals to other times and dimensions. The crystal skull gets passed from a cave man to a pterodactyl to aztec priests. This movie is a bit far out there and may serve as evidence as to why one doesn’t write screenplays under the influence of wacky tobaccy. Still, I wasn’t bored once.

Photo by Leslie Salas

Jeff Shuster (episode 47, episode 102, episode 124, episode 131, episode 284, episode 441, episode 442, episode 443, episode 444, episode 450, episode 477, episode 491, episode 492, episode 493, episode 495, and episode 496) is an MFA graduate from the University of Central Florida.

The Curator of Schlock #374 by Jeff Shuster.

Brain Damage

This is peak schlock. 

So I was being dragged out of my truck by a crazed mob in the town of Mooseville in the province of Saskatchewan. I guess they were a little angry over my being a few months late with a delivery that would have saved their town. Before I knew it, a ball gag was being stuffed in my mouth and my ears started ringing due to all the shouting. A malcontent with a pot belly and a hairy back stuck a cattle prof in my side and I was out cold. — To be continued.

This week’s Arrow Home Video release is 1988’s Brain Damage from director Frank Henenlotter. According to Wikipedia, this movie is about a young man becoming host to a “long, phallic parasite.” Yes, that is what this movie is about, but it is so much more. For instance, this particular parasite eats brains—human brains! Imagine that you’re going about your day and a long, phallic parasite launches himself to your forehead and sucks your brain out! Yikes. Not the way I’d want to go.

Our movie revolves around a young man named Brian (Rick Hearst) who’s a bit under the weather. When Brian wakes up from a troubled sleep, he feels something wriggling around his body. Finally, the parasite introduces himself. We learn his name is Alymer (voiced by John Zacherie) and he makes a proposal to Brian: he’ll make Brian’s life a wondrous experience if Brian takes him out for nightly strolls. Brian agrees. Alymar attaches himself to the back of Brian’s head, shoots some blue juice all over Brian’s brain, and Brian is high as a kite.

Seriously, Brian goes to a junkyard and starts seeing funky colors dancing off of all the stacked automobiles. He’s so entertained that he doesn’t really notice Alymer sucking the brains out of the nighttime security guard. Brian’s brother, Mike, and girlfriend, Barbara, notice that Brian is acting strange. When Brian takes Barbara out for a fancy dinner, he sees spaghetti and brainballs on his plate.

After Brian goes to a club in a brain-juice-induced super, he gets hot and heavy with one of the dancers. The two of them go to the back alley where she promptly gets her brains sucked out by the parasite. Brian gets confronted by his neighbor, Morris (Theo Barnes), about feeding Alymer human brains. Morris was the previous host of Alymer and only fed him animal brains. Morris tells Brian that Alymer has been passed from host to host for centuries. It doesn’t end well for the hosts.

Brian confronts Alymer and wants a separation. Alymer tells Brian that he won’t be able to survive the withdrawal from the brain juice. During Brian’s withdrawal, Alymer mocks him and even sings to him as Brian pukes all over the bathroom floor.

Unable to deal with the pain any longer, Brian allows the parasite to join with him again. This won’t work out for Brian or any that get in his way, but you’ll want to stick around for the explosive finale.

I know. I know. You would never watch a movie about a parasite that eats people. You say this as you wait in line to buy your ticket for Venom: Let There Be Carnage.

Photo by Leslie Salas.

Jeff Shuster (episode 47, episode 102, episode 124, episode 131, episode 284, episode 441, episode 442, episode 443, episode 444, episode 450, episode 477, episode 491, and episode 492) is an MFA graduate from the University of Central Florida.