The Curator of Schlock #371 by Jeff Shuster

Audition

There’s nothing more terrifying than a pretty woman. 

Edwige and I barely made it of Mooseville, a small town in Saskatchewan. I was commissioned by a trucker named Big Tom to drop off equipment for a Salmon Salad canning factory, but that was back in late March and I got sidetracked on my journey.  Taking five months to get there was too little, too late. Deadlines weren’t met, the factory went under, and all hope was lost. The town of Mooseville needed someone to blame and I did not receive the hero’s welcome I was expecting. More news on that next week.

Tonight’s Arrow Home video release is 1999’s Audition from director Takashi Miike. I’ve been avoiding this one for quite some time now, mainly because of its reputation. I knew this flick would make me squirm, but no one ever said being a Curator of Schlock didn’t take courage. This is a creepy one, folks. I haven’t been this terrified since Gone Girl.

The movie begins with a man named Shigeharu Aoyama (Ryo Ishibashi) losing his wife to cancer, leaving him to raise their young son, Shigehiko, on his own. Sad as that was, Aoyama manages to raise Shigehiko into a well-adjusted young adult. Still, everyone keeps telling Aoyama that he should marry again. And after being told this enough times, Aoyama starts to warm to the idea of marrying again.

Aoyama’s friend, Yasuhisa Yoshikawa (Jun Kunimura), comes up with the idea for a new movie where one lucky young woman will get to play the role of Aoyama’s wife. Aoyama was looking for a more mature woman to settle down with, but Yoshikawa insists that this is just for fun and that the young woman who wins the audition won’t really marry him. A casting call is put out for all the young women in Japan to be “tomorrow’s heroine.” One of them can be the next Audrey Hepburn or Penelope Ann Miller.

Aoyama gets the privilege of screening the submissions to get the contestants down to an even thirty. One of these contestants catches his eye, a young woman named Asami (Eihi Shiina) who gave up a career in ballet due to hip injury. Later, Yoshikawa and Aoyama interview the contestants, Yoshikawa asking all kinds of probing questions while Aoyama impatiently waits for Asami’s turn. When Asami does show up, Aoyama is instantly smitten by the shy, young woman. He conflates how she felt about losing her ballet career with how he felt about losing his wife.

Yoshikawa has a bad feeling about Asami. He can’t put his finger on what’s wrong with her, but he tells Aoyama to stay away. Naturally, Aoyama asks Asami if she’d like to meet up sometime. She answers the phone and agrees. I think it’s in this scene that we see a large burlap sack in the background that starts moving as the victim inside struggles. Asami smiles, and I get the feeling Aoyama’s torture will begin soon enough. BBC film critic Mark Kermode once stated that he went into Audition thinking it was going to be some romantic comedy. By the end of the movie, he was hiding behind his theater seat. As for me, Audition might be the best movie I’ve seen all year. It’s terrifying. Good terrifying.

Photo by Leslie Salas

Jeff Shuster (episode 47, episode 102, episode 124, episode 131, episode 284, episode 441, episode 442, episode 443, episode 444, episode 450, and 477) is an MFA graduate from the University of Central Florida.

The Curator of Schlock #370 by Jeff Shuster

The Gruesome Twosome

They had KFC in the 1960s?

Edwige is on the mend and we should be back on the road soon. Who knew kangaroos had such delicate constitutions? I’ll make it up to her once we get to Saskatchewan. I wonder if they’ll give me a hero’s welcome. Maybe that’s too much to ask, but I will be saving a small town with this factory equipment I’ll be dropping off. Maybe they’ll erect a statue of me in the town square.

This week’s Arrow Home Video release is 1967’s The Gruesome Twosome from director Herschell Gordon Lewis. This is the same guy that gave us Blood Feast so expect this one to be a splatter fest. I don’t know what kind of sick individuals watch these kinds of movies. You should be ashamed if you like The Gruesome Twosome!

What’s the movie about? There’s this old lady named Mrs. Pringle (Elizabeth Davis) and she owns a wig shop. These are very fine wigs that are the talk of the town. They are made from real human hair. She runs the business with her mentally challenged son, Rodney (Chris Martell). She also has conversations with a stuffed tiger or was it a stuffed leopard? I don’t know. The point is she’s crackers!

So Mrs. Pringle has a room for rent in her business which she rents out to the many young women attending the local university. But she doesn’t really have a room to rent. If some pretty, young coed with lovely hair walks into the shop and wants to check out the room, Mrs. Pringle locks her inside. Turns out the room to rent isn’t really a room to rent, but a workshop room where the wigs are made. And in that room Rodney lies in wait.

We get plenty of scenes of Rodney scalping young women for their hair. And the camera lingers on these scenes so no detail is spared. And even as Rodney holds the scalp in his hand, we get to see jellied bits of blood sliding down. Sometimes Rodney also slits a throat or guts one of the young victims so he can play around with the organs.

In the intro on the Blu-ray, director Herschell Gordon Lewis describes this movie as a splatter comedy. I suppose the comedy comes from the amateur sleuthing of a young student named Kathy Baker (Gretchen Wells). She’s determined to find out who’s murdering her classmates. She follows one mysterious gentleman around the neighborhood who’s carrying a large paper bag. Kathy witnesses him burying large bones in his backyard. She digs them up and freaks out when the mysterious gentleman confronts her. Turns out the bones are a birthday present for his dog. The dog likes to dig up bones. Kathy then gets lectured by a local police officer about disturbing the peace.

Will Kathy discover who the killer is? What do you think? One curious thing about this Blu-ray is the disclaimer that comes on before the movie starts. The statement reads something like “This transfer was made from the best available elements.” That’s fine, but the print is in terrible shape. I don’t know that we’ll ever get a proper restoration of The Gruesome Twosome. Maybe this can be a new pet project of George Lucas. THX this baby!

Photo by Leslie Salas

Jeff Shuster (episode 47, episode 102, episode 124, episode 131, episode 284, episode 441, episode 442, episode 443, episode 444, episode 450, and 477) is an MFA graduate from the University of Central Florida.

The Curator of Schlock #362

The Zero Boys

From zeroes to heroes in no time flat. 

Edwige and I have been exploring this abandoned mall somewhere on the outskirts of Pittsburgh. There was once a Spencer’s Gifts in this mall. Do any of you remember Spencer’s Gifts? I bought my first whoopee cushion at Spencer’s Gifts back in my salad days. I doubt anyone still makes whoopee cushions. There’s probably an app for that now. I am miserable and out of touch.

Tonight’s Arrow Home Video release is 1986’s The Zero Boys from director Nico Mastorakis. The movie begins with what seems like a Red Dawn type scenario. You have a deserted ghost town that’s under siege by some nasty soldiers being led by a guy in full Nazi regalia. The only ones standing in their way are the Zero Boys, a ragtag group of elite soldiers who draw inspiration from Sly Stallone’s Rambo. They are Steve (Daniel Hirsch), Larry (Tom Shell), and Rip (Jared Moses). Steve is the no nonsense leader, while Larry and Rip are a couple of chuckleheads. They shoot down all the bad guys, but then it becomes clear that the red blotches are paint not blood. This a paintball course!

The guy in the Nazi uniform is a tool named Casey and he and Steve had a little bet going on. Basically, if Steve won the tournament, he gets Casey’s girlfriend, Jamie (Kellie Maroney) as a date for the weekend. Jamie screams in protest and Steve lets her out of the bet, but she decides to go along with Steve since she’s furious with Casey. Steve, Jamie, Larry, and Rip head out to the woods along with Larry and Rip’s girlfriends, Trish and Sue. Trish is Larry’s girlfriend and Sue is Rip’s girlfriend in case you want to keep track.

While having a picnic lunch, the six of them overhear a woman screaming. They climb into Steve’s jeep and drive off to investigate, but all they come across is an abandoned house in the woods. They go inside to find the place empty, a note attached to the refrigerator from the owner saying he won’t be back that weekend and to have a good time. There’s beer in the fridge! Larry and Rip decide to party down, but Steve doesn’t like this situation one bit. Maybe that’s because deep down Steve realizes he’s in a slasher movie!

Yes, there’s a killer on the property brandishing a large nasty knife. That’s what Jamie sees in the pouring rain, but no one takes it too seriously. However, when they all hear the screaming woman again, Steve and Larry go to investigate the barn on the property. They discover a VCR hooked up to a television. When they press play, they discover a snuff video of a woman being tortured to death, the same woman they heard screaming. Back at the cabin, the girlfriends discover the woman’s dead body stuffed in a chest.

It’s normally around this point in the movie that we expect the killer to start picking the young people off one by one. But these are the Zero Boys, a group of young men with a collection of modified semi-automatics and itchy trigger fingers. That’s what makes The Zero Boys unique. This is the first slasher movie I’ve seen where the odds between the killer and his young victims are even, a true gift in the kingdom of schlock.

Photo by Leslie Salas

Jeff Shuster (episode 47, episode 102, episode 124, episode 131, episode 284, episode 441, episode 442, episode 443, episode 444, episode 450, and 477) is an MFA graduate from the University of Central Florida.

The Curator of Schlock #357 by Jeff Shuster

J. D.’s Revenge

Time for another month of devil movies.

So I’ve set up the match between Edwige, my traveling kangaroo companion, and a Quebecer nicknamed Lickity Spit. I’ve been promised safe passage into Canada if Edwige knocks this guy out and I’m putting my money on Edwige. Literally, I’ve placed what’s left of my savings on this match. Daddy needs a new pair of shoes.

It’s Satan Month for this blog and I’ll be covering four films featuring the Prince of Lies or the closest equivalent. Tonight’s movie is 1976’s J.D.’s Revenge from director Arthur Marks. It’s a movie about ghostly possession. There are no bona fide demons in this movie, but we do get a fire and brimstone preacher ranting about Satan. Close enough.

The movie is about a college football player named Isaac Hendrix (Glynn Turman). Life is going well. He’s studying pre-law, has a job as a taxi driver, and a supportive wife named Christella (Joan Pringle). The two of them go out for a night of revelry with their friends which has them turn up at a stage show featuring hypnosis with audience participation. The hypnotist makes the participants think it’s really hot so they start to strip. Then the hypnotist tells them it’s really cold so they start to cover up. During this hypnosis, Isaac sees horrible visions of death and mutilation. The hypnotist snaps the participants awake, but Isaac is now possessed by the malevolent spirit of J.D. Walker, a hustler murdered in New Orleans back in the 1940s.

J. D. Walker’s ghost is on a mission to find his sister’s real murderer, after his sister’s vengeful husband mistook J. D. for the murderer and killed him (J. D.). Did you get all that? I was pretty confused from the get-go, but maybe that was the director’s intent. Anyway, Isaac acts stranger and stranger. He starts buying old clothes, straightens his hair, and experiences blackouts when he takes on the persona of J.D. Walker, hardened criminal and womanizer.

Seeking answers to what’s wrong with him, Isaac finds his way to a church run by the Reverend Elijah Bliss (Louis Gossett, Jr.), a prizefighter turned preacher. Reverend Bliss goes on about how we have to fight our inner demons and keep Satan from entering our house. Elijah’s brother, Theotis (Fred Pinkard), doesn’t like the looks of Isaac, but Elijah’s daughter, Roberta (Alice Jubert), is drawn to him. J.D.’s possession of Isaac takes greater and greater control of  him. He wreaks havoc all over town before a final confrontation with his killer. Will J.D.’s soul be put at peace and his killer brought to justice? You’ll just have to watch. This a creepy little horror movie with a great dual performance by Glynn Turman.

Photo by Leslie Salas.

Jeff Shuster (episode 47, episode 102, episode 124, episode 131, episode 284, episode 441, episode 442, episode 443, episode 444, and episode 450) is an MFA graduate from the University of Central Florida.

The Curator of Schlock #344 by Jeff Shuster

Evil Ed

This is a wet one, folks. 

As I stated last week, Edwidge, my pet kangaroo, was tossed into a hutch filled with fine China by Wally the vampire. With Edwidge down for the count, I knew I was done for. Then I remembered a strategically placed bear trap above the fireplace right behind me. As Wally made his way toward me, fangs out, I grabbed the bear trap and brought it crashing down on his head. Wally screamed and screamed as Celestial and Jervis tried to pry it off of him. I knew this was the time for me to escape, but I never leave a kangaroo behind. Edwidge was coming to and I lifted her over my arms as I made my way out the front door into the cold night air.

This week’s Arrow Home Video release is 1995’s Evil Ed from director Anders Jacobsson. This is the Special Edition of the movie or the Special Ed-Edition. This is a Swedish movie dubbed in English and I find it odd that there is no Swedish language track on the Blu-ray, Still, the English dubbing has its own charm I suppose. What I’m saying is that it doesn’t detract from the movie because the whole affair is so bizarre regardless. Let me explain.

I previously mentioned that England had thrown many horror movies into the Video Nasty category, but other countries in Europe also had it in for these kinds of movie censorship laws. Apparently, the Cinemabureau of Sweden was one of the worst film censoring bodies in the world until it was finally dismantled in 2011. Naturally, gory horror movies must have been at the top of the list which brings us to Evil Ed.

The movie begins with a film editor finally losing his mind from editing and censoring too many gory horror movies. He sticks a grenade in his mouth and pulls the pin, blowing his head apart in front of a producer named Sam Campbell (Olaf Rhodin) who screams, “You’re fired!” at the headless corpse. This brings us to Ed (Johan Rudebeck), a mild mannered editor of Swedish indie dramas. He gets transferred to the Splatter & Gore department at the orders of Sam Campbell and is now assigned the editing duties of Lose Limbs 1 through 8. The Loose Limbs series is about a maniac that likes to cut people up, piece by piece. Sam gives Ed the keys to his own house, says he’s set up an editing station there since they’re short on space at the studio.

After cutting so much bloody footage out of these slasher movies, Ed begins to hallucinate. He starts cutting a loaf of bread only to see the loaf replaced by a severed arm. He then opens the refrigerator only to be greeted by a what appears to be a goblin swigging cans of beer. The goblin then flips him the bird, calls Ed a Nazi, and throws a tomato at his face.  Sam Campbell stops by the house to inspect the final cuts of Loose Limbs and he chides Ed for removing the “beaver rape” scene. Ed says that scene was in bad taste, but Sam argues that there was no nudity in that scene therefor it doesn’t violate the censorship laws. Soon after, Ed is chased through the house by a demon with horns and when he’s cornered, he gets his courage up and snaps the demon’s neck, only to then realize the demon was Sam after all. He cuts up Sam’s body and throws it in the trash and if you think that’s the last person Sam will mutilate, you’re in for a treat as he mutilates several more.

I enjoyed Evil Ed. It reminded me of a send up of Giallo movies I saw called The Editor. Both are comedies, both feature film editors as their main characters, and both feature plenty of splatter. The Arrow Blu-ray has loads of special features and a nice transfer. It’s interesting. I don’t think of the 90s as a boom time for horror movies, but Evil Ed is worth your time if you laugh at gallows humor.

Photo by Leslie Salas.

Jeff Shuster (episode 47, episode 102, episode 124, episode 131, episode 284, episode 441, episode 442, episode 443, episode 444, and episode 450) is an MFA graduate from the University of Central Florida.