Category Archives: Film

The Curator of Schlock #223: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

20 Friday Apr 2018

Posted by in Film, The Curator of Schlock

≈ 1 Comment

The Curator of Schlock #223 by Jeff Shuster

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

I like turtles.

I like turtles. I especially like the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Yes, that’s right. I like the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. I’m not apologizing for this, acting like it’s some weird affectation. What’s not to like about them? They’re teenagers, they’re mutants, they’re ninjas, and they’re turtles. I liked them when I was a kid in the 80s and early 90s.

Turtles1-2

I stayed up half the night playing Turtles in Time on Super Nintendo and bopped my head to the beat of the live performance of Pizza Power. Heck I’m wearing a t-shirt featuring Master Splinter from the old cartoon series. I’m also wearing Superman pajama pants and Pillsbury Doughboy boxers!.

Tonight we’ll discuss 2014’s Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles from director Jonathan Liebsman.

Turtles2-2

I liked it. But it seems there are some other critics out there who need to rain on my parade, so you’re curator will offer up some rebuttals. Okay, I’ll try and remain cool and collected. Simon Peters from RogerEbert.com writes:

“If nothing else, “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” reminds us that nostalgia is often used as a mandate for spectacularly lazy filmmaking. Yes, I too loved the action figures, video games, cartoons, and previous live-action commercials, I mean movies.”

Okay, you never loved the Turtles. Let’s get that out of the way.  Any movie that features Michelangelo beating up burglars with a pair of sausage nun chucks and Vanilla Ice belting out “Go Ninja, Go Ninja, GO!” while the four brothers battle the largest Muppets I’ve ever seen is more than a live-action commercial! You’re not a Turtles fan, Simon, and you never were.

Here’s another gem from Mr. Peters:

“So these Turtles are bullet-proof, six-foot tall mountains of biceps and quads. Likewise, Foot leader Shredder (Tohoru Masamune) looks like a samurai-themed death metal band-leader with an Edward Scissorhands fetish.”

Yes, biceps and quads are a good thing. It’s what the heroes need to beat the bad guys. As for The Shredder, how should he be dressed? In a tweed suit? He’s the greatest super villain of all time. The Shredder needs to be giving the kids in the audience nightmares!

It gets even worse when we go across to the United Kingdom. It’s no secret that Brits have always hated the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. I guess their idea of a super hero is far superior: an alien with an overlong scarf that travels through time in a blue telephone booth and fights garbage cans with plungers for arms. Let’s take a gander at a Telegraph article entitled “Dreadful” by Robbie:

“But what endears the characters to nine-year-old boys – the smart-alecky dialogue, the threadbare catchphrases, the worship of junk-food – is what also makes them so annoying to everyone else.”

Collin, did you ever stop to think that this movie was made for nine-year-old boys and that nine-year-old boys have a right to exist? He drones on:

“The script is equal parts pop-culture references, toilet humour and patience-sapping contrivance”

I don’t know what a patience-sapping contrivance is. Maybe he’s referring to that sweet fedora Will Arnett is sporting in the film? I need to get me one of those.

Turtles3-2

As for toilet humor and pop-culture references, what else do you need? Maybe a good eye-gouging or spiders or eye-gouging by spiders. If only Lucio Fulci was still with us. I’d love to see his take on the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. As for Simon and Robbie, you two have gotten your wish. Paramount has dictated that there will be no TMNT movies for the foreseeable future. To all the nine-year-old boys out there, the world doesn’t want anything to do with you. Go sit in a corner and hum real loud until you turn ten.

Jeffrey Shuster 3

Jeffrey Shuster (episode 47, episode 102, episode 124, episode 131, and episode 284) is an MFA graduate from the University of Central Florida.

Advertisements

The Curator of Schlock #222: 13 Cameras

13 Friday Apr 2018

Posted by in Film, Horror, The Curator of Schlock

≈ Leave a comment

The Curator of Schlock #222 by Jeff Shuster

13 Cameras

This is a gross one, folks.

No Friday the 13th movies this Friday the 13th. I thought about going with the 2009 remake, but 2009 isn’t 2010 and I am committed to digging for schlock from this decade no matter what the cost. We could have had another Friday the 13th movie this decade, but Paramount studios took a bath on the Ring sequel, Rings, and have now forsworn the production of any new horror movies including another reboot of Friday the 13th.

Boo!

I’ll have to find out what went wrong with Rings.

Not to worry. I’ve got 2016’s 13 Cameras from director Victor Zarcoff for your consideration this weekend. It’s on Netflix. It has 13 in the title. Good enough.

13-Cameras2

The movie begins with a clerk in a home security store giving the hard sell to a disgusting looking man. Seriously, this guy has patchy hair, oily skin, the frame of a goblin, and dead man’s eyes. I don’t like him. Granted, one in seven Floridians look just like this guy, but that doesn’t mean I’m used to it. His name is Gerald (Neville Archambault). He’s a landlord who rents properties in a California suburb. The clerk manages to sell him thirteen cameras to install in one of his properties, all out of sight and hidden.

Said property gets rented to a young man named Ryan (PJ McCabe) and his pregnant wife, Claire (Brianne Moncrief). Claire gets a little creeped out by Gerald as he lets them into their new home. Maybe it’s the fact that he smells like “rotten mayonnaise.” Ryan assures Claire that Gerald just won’t show up to their house out of the blue, that he has to give 24 hours’ notice. What Ryan and Claire are unaware of is that there are cameras everywhere! There’s even one in the bathroom! As Claire undresses and showers, a mouth breathing Gerald sits transfixed in front of his array of monitors. Ewwww.

I remember and episode of Errol Morris’s First Person documentary series that centered on a guy who had cameras all over his apartment. He would broadcast his life on the Internet for the entire world to see and comment on in the forums of his website. If he had a fight with his live-in girlfriend, members of the forum would debate over who was in the right. They’d also rejoice when they kissed and made up. I suppose people were living vicariously through him, but I was always disturbed by one aspect of this gentleman’s voyeuristic lifestyle. He has a camera installed in his toilet. Best not to dwell on why someone would tune into that camera feed.

Back to 13 Cameras. Ryan is having an affair with his office assistant, Hannah (Sarah Baldwin). He keeps inviting Hannah over to house while Claire is out attending pregnant women’s yoga sessions. Don’t worry. He’ll still let Claire have their Italian dinner leftovers. Hannah keeps calling at all hours of the night. Ryan wants to call the affair off.

13-Cameras3

13 Cameras reminds me of Peyton Place if Peyton Place had a sweaty, troll-like man (1) watching the beautiful people through hidden cameras and (2) building a soundproof torture room in the basement of their house while the husband and wife are out shopping for an antique rocking chair. Check it out!

Jeffrey Shuster 4

Jeffrey Shuster (episode 47, episode 102, episode 124, episode 131, and episode 284) is an MFA graduate from the University of Central Florida.

The Curator of Schlock #221: The Foreigner

06 Friday Apr 2018

Posted by in Film, The Curator of Schlock

≈ Leave a comment

The Curator of Schlock #221 by Jeff Shuster

The Foreigner

The 90s Aren’t Coming Back

To say that much of my film going experience in the 90s revolved around the action titans of Jackie Chan and Pierce Brosnan would be understatement. I grew jaded over the slow decline of Stallone and Schwarzenegger movies, but the 90s had their charm. Brownian became 007 in 1995’s Goldeneye from director Martin Campbell.

Golden eye

That movie revitalized the spy genre in cinema and television, two of my favorites being Austin Powers and La Femme Nikita. The Nintendo game based on Goldeneye became a legend. Brosnan was and is my James Bond.

And then there’s Jackie Chan.

Hong Kong cinema was still a bit of a mystery to me back in the mid 90s, but friends kept telling me about a movie called Rumble in the Bronx and its Chinese star who did his own stunts and had the scars to prove it. Seeing movies wasn’t as easy back then. A movie like Rumble in the Bronx would only be in a theater for about a week before being pulled and DVD hadn’t quite emerged on the market yet. So you would make an effort to see this happy-go-lucky action star from Hong Kong who performed literal death-defying gymnastics right before your eyes. Supercop and Mr. Nice Guy remain two of my most memorable theater going experiences.

Mr. Nice Guy

The late 90s were pretty good. We’d left the recession for the dot-com boom and even I thought we were headed to a better tomorrow. Of course, that all came crashing down. Years later, Daniel Craig replaced Pierce Brosnan and Jackie Chan became less prolific. 2017’s The Foreigner from director Martin Campbell reintroduces us to these action stars of old, but if you were expecting an Expendables-esque reunion, be forewarned. This movie will punch you in the gut.

The Foreigner 1

Jackie Chan looks tired.

The Foreigner Pierce

Pierce Brosnan looks tired.

I don’t think Jackie Chan cracks a smile throughout the whole movie, something I found very disconcerting considering he always struck me as the friendliest action star ever. Pierce Brosnan cracks fake smiles throughout The Foreigner, playing Liam Hennessy, the First Minister of Northern Ireland, a former IRA member turned politician after the Good Friday Agreement. Trouble starts when a group calling themselves the Authentic IRA, blow up a clothing store in London, resulting in the deaths of many civilians. One of these victims is the daughter of Ngoc Minh Quan (Jackie Chan), a local restaurant owner.

The Foreigner 2

Quan wants revenge against the terrorists who killed his daughter. He suspects Hennessy of being involved and his suspicions prove valid, but even Hennessy hadn’t planned on civilian casualties when he reached out to former IRA members to stir things up so he could reap a political advantage in the upcoming election. The terrorists are stopped, but no one gets out of this movie unscathed.

THE FOREIGNER

There are no happy endings left for Pierce Brosnan and Jackie Chan. The 90s are over, and they’re never coming back.

Am I recommending The Foreigner? Absolutely. It’s a good action/thriller in an age where everything is tailored to PG-13. Brosnan and Chan give off tortured performances, but it’s well worth seeing. Chan can still do the stunts, if not as agile as he once was and it’s interesting to see Brosnan portray a character doing his best to charm his way out of the mess he’s made for himself and failing miserably at it. It’s not a feel good movie, but one can’t feel good all of the time anyway.

Jeffrey Shuster 3

Jeffrey Shuster (episode 47, episode 102, episode 124, episode 131, and episode 284) is an MFA graduate from the University of Central Florida.

The Curator of Schlock #219: Shut In

23 Friday Mar 2018

Posted by in Film, Horror, The Curator of Schlock

≈ Leave a comment

The Curator of Schlock #219 by Jeff Shuster

Shut In

Naomi Watts is the Shut In.

Lots of snowstorms assaulting the country right now. Our Northern friends are getting buried in their houses. In my home state of New Jersey, they’re saying these are some of the worst snowstorms in the state’s history. There’s an article about it online. I didn’t bother reading it. I mostly read headlines. That’s all you really need to read anyway.

How is any of this relevant? Well, I’m covering 2016’s Shut In from director Farren Blackburn.  See how I segued into that. Pretty sweet if I do say so myself.

Shut-In-poster-2

Shut In currently ranks in at 8% fresh on Rotten Tomatoes. Seems the critics weren’t too kind to this one, but your Curator of Schlock has different criteria for judging movies than your average cinema snob! For instance, Shut In stars Naomi Watts and that gangly guy from Stranger Things. The movie gets 12% for that alone. People put too much stock in Rotten Tomatoes scores anyway. I noticed a “Certified Fresh” sticker on the cover of the Blu-ray of Walt Disney’s Pinocchio. It’s Walt Disney’s Pinocchio! You don’t need the approval of the herd, Disney. The movie was considered a masterpiece long before Al Gore and those Swedes invented the Internet. If you care so much about what the herd wants, make TRON 3 already.

tron

The herd wants TRON 3, Disney, and they want it now!

Shut In centers on a psychologist named Mary Portman (Naomi Watts) and her troubled stepson, Steven (Charlie Heaton, the gangly guy from Stranger Things). Mary and her husband, Richard (Peter Outerbridge), decide to send Steven away to some private academy because he is so troubled. On the way there, Steven gets into a fight with his dad, grabs the wheel, and steers right into the path of an oncoming Mack truck. Richard dies and Steven ends up in a vegetative state, leaving poor Mary in charge of his daily care.

Shut2

For Mary, daily care of Steven involves feeding him drugs and shoving him in front of a TV to watch infomercials. Mr. Popeil ain’t gonna knock this kid out of a coma, Mary. Try a KISS concert or some reruns of Mr. Belvedere. That would certainly work on me.

Also, singing that “Hush, Little Baby” song to your 16 year-old stepson is a little creepy in its own right. Maybe you think he can’t hear you because he’s in a coma or a vegetative state, maybe he can.

Shut3

In addition to taking care of Steven, Mary treats the troubled kids of her New England small town as a trained psychiatrist. One is a little deaf boy named Tom who’s being sent away by his foster family after breaking another kid’s arm. Mary feels bad for him, but is surprised when he manages to sneak back into her house. There’s a raging snowstorm outside, so Mary puts him up for the night, waking up later to find him running away into cold, dark night.

Shut4

The authorities start of a search and rescue for the young boy, but Mary thinks it’s too late. She’s also experiencing night terrors where little Tom is actually still in the house, living in the walls.

This might have something to do with the fact that Tom is still alive and living in the walls of her house. Also, it turns out that Steven has been faking his coma all along and has dastardly plans involving Mary, a bathtub, and the singing of “Hush, Little Baby.”

Shut5 (1)

Did I mention Shut In stars Oliver Platt as Dr. Wilson, Mary’s psychologist and trusted friend. That deserves a bump up to 16%. Steven stabs Dr. Wilson to death. That deserves a bump up to 20%.

Jeffrey Shuster 4

Jeffrey Shuster (episode 47, episode 102, episode 124, episode 131, and episode 284) is an MFA graduate from the University of Central Florida.

The Rogue’s Guide to Shakespeare on Film #72: Richard III (2016)

18 Sunday Mar 2018

Posted by in Film, Shakespeare, The Rogue's Guide to Shakespeare on Film

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , , , ,

Rogues Guide to Shakes on Film 2

72. Dominic Cooke’s Richard III (2016)

This rogue who reviews Shakespeare films for you, dear readers, gets jaded sometimes. I expect these films to be good. Not just un-terrible, but quite seriously good.

Henry VI Parts 1-3 were so good on The Hollow Crown that I approached its Richard III with some sense of crankiness. Olivier and McKellan have given me high standards for this Machiavellian hero, plus I adore Benedict Cumberbatch, but I refuse to feel any personal emotion akin to hype.

Richard III 2

I am happy to report that Richard III is somehow better than those with Olivier and McKellan.

The opening soliloquy is given an exquisite gravity by Cumberbatch delivering it shirtless.

Untitled-8.jpg

Before he begins, the camera dollies around him, revealing the distorted range of his hunched back, his torso straining for breath. This would be in unforgivable taste if the effects were not credible, but these effects work, which makes his speech to us—letting us know of his motivations and his plot to manipulate the court into giving him the throne—more intimate and urgent.

Richard III 9

Richard is driven to this because in peacetime, he is a freak who his royal family is ashamed of and distrusts despite his loyal service to them. Now as a self-professed villain, Richard takes great joy in testing Machiavelli’s theories, lavishing in his amoral victories. In most performances, there is bravado with a tinge of pathos, since he is using the court’s moral and intellectual flaws against it, and if the court had valued him in the first place, he would not have undertaken these plots. Anyone who has ever felt like an outsider can sympathize with Richard’s rage, and can identify with his sense of self-worth despite the world’s contempt.

Richard III 3

But Cumberbatch’s performance seems to add more than a tinge of pathos. Richard acts as if he is the most morally upright member of the court, and this could indicate that he is simply an adept liar who can believe his own lies when he is lying. Or, and I find this possibility intriguing, Cumberbatch’s Richard might be testing the court, and giving it an opportunity to prove him wrong. Perhaps the king will not be petty and superstitious.

Richard III 12

Perhaps Lady Anne will not be flattered into giving over her grief and loving her enemy. Perhaps Richard’s mother will not treat him with condescension and mistrust.

Richard III 10

One of my favorite lines from Richard III is “A horse! a horse! my kingdom for a horse!” The logic of this is that Richard would trade the kingdom he is king of in order to have a horse he could mount in order to try to win the country he is king of.

Richard III 4

Richard doesn’t have any use for peacetime, and having won the crown has not solved any of those emotional wounds he expressed in the opening soliloquy.

The acting in this film is top notch. Phoebe Fox is a memorable Lady Anne, and Judy Dench manages to convey a dignified wariness as Cecily, the mother of Edward and Richard, that makes it difficult to tell if she has disliked her deformed son for his deformity, or for his aggressive tendencies. Sophie Okenedo returns as Margaret, mad and prone to cursing the royal family, and the older, haggard version of this de-throned queen is somehow more impressive than the mincing, self-entitled sociopath of Henry VI.

Richard III 6

There is a manic quality to Cumberbatch’s performance after Richard becomes king. The effect is almost like a Modernist play at times. This is a dervish compared to the simpering complaints of Richard II. Richard III is a perfect conclusion to a play sequence that questions the divine right of kings, and the unbearable likelihood that shifts in power seldom happen because of actual moral right. Power is such a volatile thing, and humans are all too flawed. These plays give those flaws and that volatility a brilliant clarity.

Oh, and it’s damned entertaining to have Richard offer meta-commentaries to us about his crimes.

1flip
John King (Episode, well, all of them) holds a PhD in English from Purdue University, and an MFA from New York University. He has reviewed performances for Shakespeare Bulletin.

The Curator of Schlock #218: Leprechaun: Origins

16 Friday Mar 2018

Posted by in Film, Horror, The Curator of Schlock

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, ,

The Curator of Schlock #218 by Jeff Shuster

Leprechaun: Origins

Don’t get your hopes up. It’s not an actual origin story.

The Suspiria Blu-ray came out this week. Synapse spent three years painstaking restoring the original film to full 4K glory under the supervision of the movie’s original director of photography, Luciano Tovoli.  I could be covering that classic this week, but I chose to cover movies from this current decade for the rest of the year. Oh well. I can always check out the Suspiria remake due out later this year, the one starring Dakota Johnson, star of 50 Shades of Grey, 50 Shades Darker, and 50 Shades Freed. Yup. Looking forward to it. Can’t wait.

Suspiria

By the way, Happy Saint Patrick’s Day! We’ve got another serving from WWE Studios this week in the form of Leprechaun: Origins.

Lep1

Don’t be expecting Warwick Davis spouting limericks or whatever he did in those movies I’m trying desperately to forget. I think he made a pot of gold materialize inside some poor sap’s stomach. Not cool. Anyway, the leprechaun in this week’s feature is more beastly, more like a beast than a jolly gnomish creature. Huh? Gnomish is an actually word and I think I used it in the proper context.

The movie starts out with some Irish teenagers being chased by a monster because they stole some gold coins. They get killed and eaten by whatever is chasing them. Next up, we see some young American tourists backpacking through Ireland. I’ll never understand the protagonists in these modern horror movies. They’re all good-looking young Americans from wealthy families. They always end up traveling to Eastern Europe or South America and end up being getting their organs stolen or tortured to death.

No one likes you! Stay in Beverly Hills or you’re going to die!

Lep2 (1)

So we have a group of four vacationers. There’s Sophie (Stephanie Bennett), a history major who will end up being the final girl. There’s Ben (Andrew Dunbar), a Harvard man, and that makes him better than all of us. Then there’s Jeni (Melissa Roxburgh), a girl with lots of gold piercings. Those gold piercings may come into play later in the movie. Jeni has a drunk punk boyfriend named David (Brendan Fletcher). Brendan Fletcher also played the Parasite on Smallville. I’m just saying.

Lep3 (1)

One of the local Irishmen overhear that Sophie is a history major. He tells her about some cave nearby that has historic relevance. He buys them all dinner and offers them a cabin on his property so they can stay the night. They gladly accept, only to find themselves locked in the cabin in the middle of the night with a rampaging leprechaun that wants to eat their flesh.

Lep5 (1)

Look, there’s polite and then there’s too polite. Too polite is offering you dinner and a free room for the night. If it sounds too good to be true, it means you’ll be eaten alive by an angry leprechaun. As I said before, stay in Beverly Hills.

Jeffrey Shuster 3

Jeffrey Shuster (episode 47, episode 102, episode 124, episode 131, and episode 284) is an MFA graduate from the University of Central Florida.

The Curator of Schlock #217: Vendetta

09 Friday Mar 2018

Posted by in Film, The Curator of Schlock

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , ,

The Curator of Schlock #217 by Jeff Shuster

Vendetta

Big Show vs. Superman

Did you know that World Wrestling Entertainment has a movie division? Well, now you do.

Vendetta1

I used to watch wrestling back in the 90s. I remember one time Doink the Clown wrestled Bob Backlund. Doink won the match through some chicanery, but Mr. Backlund was a good sport about it, even offered to shake that clown’s hand. And then Doink sprayed poor Bob in the face with some mace. Bob was blinded and was flailing his fists all about as Doink made his getaway. Good times.

Doink (1)

This week’s movie is a WWE production, 2015’s Vendetta from directors, The Soska Sisters. They also directed 2009’s Dead Hooker in a Trunk, but that’s neither here nor there.

Soska_Sisters

Vendetta stars Dean Cain and The Big Show. We all know Dean Cain from Lois & Clark: The New Adventures of Superman where he played the Man of Steel. He also guest- starred on Smallville as a villain who was supposed to be Vandal Savage, but I know the execs over at Warner Bros. never gave the okay. We all know The Big Show from his wrestling career, but he’s acted too, but never guest starred on Smallville as far as I know. Too bad. They could have stuck him in a Gorilla suit and he could have been Gorilla Grodd or Gorilla Boss or Monsieur Mallah.

I wish I could be a gorilla super villain.

Vendetta 3

Anyway, Vendetta is a fairly dark and gritty motion picture, which surprises me seeing as how it comes from the directors of Dead Hooker in a Trunk. Dean Cain plays Mason Danvers, a determined police detective in hot pursuit of Victor Abbot (Big Show), a really evil criminal who runs guns or sells drugs or something like that. Mason has a shootout with Victor, manages to wound him and bring him in to face the justice system. Only problem is the prosecution’s star witness has disappeared and they have to let Victor off. Mason calls home to warn his pregnant wife to leave the house, but Victor answers the phone, saying something about how “Payback’s a bitch!” or something like that. Victor then proceeds to beat Mason’s wife, Jocelyn (Kyra Zagorsky) to death.

Vendetta 1

Victor Abbot goes straight to jail for the murder of Jocelyn Danvers, leaving a grieving Mason to grieve for dead wife. Well, it’s not long before Mason decides that he has a vendetta against Victor and goes on a shooting rampage, the targets being Victor’s brother, another drug runner/gun dealer. Off to jail he goes. No one is above the law, Mason. Now, it’s about this time I’m figuring Dean Cain wants to get sent to the big house so he can get his hands on The Big Show for some sweet revenge. Confucius once said, “Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves.” Well he mustn’t have had Mason Danvers in mind because we’re going to need a lot more than two ready graves by the time he’s done.

Vendetta 2

Turns out this prison is run by a corrupt warden played by Michael Eklund. Abbot works for the warden and runs a criminal enterprise inside the prison. Mason eliminates Abbot’s crew one by one in increasingly gruesome ways. He ties one of Victor’s minions to a chair, slits his wrists, and we watch as the guy bleeds out. This movie is dark. Not Kidnap Syndicate dark, but still pretty dark. I don’t know why the Soska Sisters couldn’t have directed a more positive movie, something more akin to Disney’s Frozen, a film about the power the power of sisterly love. That’s just my opinion in these United States.

Until next time.

Jeffrey Shuster 3

Jeffrey Shuster (episode 47, episode 102, episode 124, episode 131, and episode 284) is an MFA graduate from the University of Central Florida.

The Rogue’s Guide to Shakespeare on Film #71: Henry VI Parts 2 & 3 (2016)

25 Sunday Feb 2018

Posted by in Film, Shakespeare, The Rogue's Guide to Shakespeare on Film

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , ,

Rogues Guide to Shakes on Film 2

71. Dominic Cooke’s Henry VI Parts 2 & 3 (2016)

Season 2, episode 1 of “The Hollow Crown” ends somewhere in the middle of Henry VI, Part 2. Our callow King Henry VI was expecting to oversee the trial of Humphrey, Lord Protector of England, only to learn that Humphrey was—ummm—assassinated in the Tower. In his displeasure, the king banishes Somerset, whom he suspects for the murder, until Queen Margaret pleads Somerset’s case so shrilly that the king relents, which is the last straw for Richard Plantagenet. Seeing that the king refuses to be anything other than a pawn for the grubby politics of Margaret and Somerset, even at the cost of forgiving the murder of loyal, noble subjects, Plantagenet asserts his own heredity claim to the crown, and departs. Upon his arrival at his own keep, he calls for his children in succession, lastly coming to Richard.

Season 2, episode 2 will get us through the rest of the way through Henry VI, Parts 2 and 3.

After some battling, York (Plantagenet) marches to the throne, where he and the king engage in a struggle of wills.

KING HENRY VI

I am thy sovereign.

YORK

I am thine.

Henry VI asserts that he is the rightful king because of the succession of Henry V and Henry IV, the latter of whom won the crown in battle. York reminds Henry VI that his grandfather won the crown from Richard II in open rebellion of his king. Henry reminds him that Richard gave the throne to Henry IV, but York reminds the king that Richard was forced to abdicate. A Mexican stand-off occurs. The divine right of kings was supposed to ensure shit like this didn’t happen. This is really what these history plays have been arriving at.

Hollow Crown 6

The king, taking a hint from the Duke of Exeter, offers a compromise: if York will support the king for the rest of his reign, then the crown will revert to the house of York upon his death. York, loving his country much more than his own ambition, agrees.

That was a mistake.

The king’s forces feel dishonored, and rush off to tell the queen that her children are now dis-inherited.

Hollow Crown 2

Later that night, Margaret’s forces ambush York at his keep, burn it to the ground, and gloats in her victory. She dabs a handkerchief in the blood of his dead son and shoves the cloth into his mouth. She shoves a crown of thorns onto York’s head. Her forces take turns stabbing him before they behead him as his son Richard watches helplessly from the shadows.

York does utter a wonderfully articulate curse.

And three of his sons survive.

A civil war ensues. Certain nobles change sides. Fighting for York’s children isn’t the same as fighting for York. The queen retreats back to France.

The king, such as he is, goes mad.

Hollow Crown 3

Oh, yes, the youngest son, Richard, is played by Benedict Cumberbatch, who is perfect.

Hollow Crown 1

Of course, season 2 of The Hollow Crown is making its way to Richard III, which is one of my favorite Shakespeare plays. Richard is a better villain than Henry V was a good hero. But what happens to Richard in this context (Henry VI, Part 3, mostly) leading into his titular play is a son who is quite vulnerable, the youngest child, with some deformity, but who is transformed by war into a fierce person. As Fate would seem to madly jig about the what will happen to England, the tension of Richard’s character and his family’s fate keep this film quite engaging.

Hollow Crown 5

There is a lot of action in this play—oodles of battles, including one from the end of H6 Part 2—and this story is not necessarily great drama compared to Shakespeare’s tragedies. A lot of clanging swords. The characters, when given a chance to reveal themselves, do not give us a lot to think about or even recognize. These are vicious people whose sense of honor cannot remember the faults of their immediate predecessors, much less history.

When Richard’s brother Edward IV emerges victorious, we realize that this is not a clearly superior monarch to Henry VI. Richard’s family begins to disintegrate even though England is theirs. Clarence earns his share of shame.

Hollow Crown 4

Laurence Olivier’s and Richard Lonraine’s films of Richard III both seem to regard Richard’s devious successes as miraculously guaranteed. What we see in Cumberbatch’s performance of Richard in this play before Richard III, though, is someone who would sacrifice anything for his family’s honor and survival, someone who dearly loved his father, someone who must eventually confront the realization that what is left of his family is not worth saving.

1flip

John King (Episode, well, all of them) holds a PhD in English from Purdue University, and an MFA from New York University. He has reviewed performances for Shakespeare Bulletin.

The Curator of Schlock #216: Blair Witch

23 Friday Feb 2018

Posted by in Film, Horror, The Curator of Schlock

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

The Curator of Schlock #216 by Jeff Shuster

Blair Witch

That Blair Witch will tear you a new one.

I don’t care if some of you didn’t think my Last Witch Hunter review was thorough enough. I don’t care. I’m not part of the Wiki-generation. I don’t get 35th Dolans or witch counsels or the twelve Infinity Stones or whatever. That stuff is for nerds, man. I like my movies simple. There’s a monster in the woods. It kills college students. No one survives.

The end.

That was the plot of 1999’s The Blair Witch Project and it is also the plot of the 2016 follow-up documentary, Blair Witch.

Blair4

We don’t cover too many documentaries here at The Museum of Schlock. We showcased The King of Kong a few years back. I know Billy Mitchell is in some trouble over some slander by jealous losers who think he got his Donkey Kong score while playing on a MAME emulator. Bollocks. Get a life, losers.

Blair2 (1)

Billy Mitchell is a winner and always will be. Hot sauce champion, Pac-Man champion, and Donkey Kong champion of the world.

Anyway, I’ve seen other documentaries like that one about the Blair Witch back in the late 90s. The nation was obsessed with those college students who got lost in the Maryland woods, cussed a lot, and got lost never to be seen again. Everyone assumed that, based on the found footage, that the Blair Witch killed them, but this isn’t true. Heather Donahue escaped those woods and outsmarted the Blair Witch because I saw her promoting Steak ‘n Shake restaurants on TV. Whenever I tell this to people, they just roll their eyes at me.

Heather must have started up a new life for herself because even her younger brother, James Donahue, still thought she was lost in those woods. (She’s doing Steak ‘n Shake commercials, James! Why am I the only one who notices these things?) Anyway, James discovered some footage being posted online of his sister, Heather, still stuck in those woods near Burkittsville, MD.

It’s not her, dude. She’s doing Steak ‘n Shake commercials!

Sigh.

Blair1 (1)

James is a paramedic. I guess his family didn’t get any royalties from The Blair Witch Project. Or maybe Heather is still collecting them under an assumed name all these years later. Who knows? Point is James wants to go into those woods and rescue his sister and drags along a student documentarian named Lisa Arlington, his best friend, Peter Jones, Peter’s girlfriend, Ashley, and a couple of Burkittsville burnouts named Talia and Lane. Talia has purple hair. That’s a red flag right there.

Blair5 (1)

So like bad stuff happens from here on out. You’d think anyone who watched the first documentary would know better than to go into those woods, but this is the iPad generation and they probably didn’t have the attention span to sit through the whole 81 minutes. And Lisa, all of your fancy micro SD cards and GPS devices and flying drone cameras are no match for the Blair Witch, who I think, as it turns out, may be an extra terrestrial. Oh, and Ashley cuts her foot on a rock while they’re crossing a river and I think a centipede burrows it’s way up through the open wound.

If that’s not your idea of a good time, you’d best stay away from this documentary.

Jeffrey Shuster 2

Photo by Leslie Salas.

Jeffrey Shuster (episode 47, episode 102, episode 124, episode 131, and episode 284) is an MFA graduate from the University of Central Florida.