The Curator of Schlock #349 by Jeff Shuster

Greyhound

Not the bus. 

Edwige and I were about five days into our road trip to Canada when I realize I had made a horrible mistake. I left my box of Arrow Blu-rays back at Big Tom’s. I have to turn this rig around, but that’s okay. I subscribed to Apple TV Plus for all sorts of exclusive content like old Charlie Brown specials and a Justin Timberlake indie film. Oh, boy. Well there is a new Tom Hanks movie on there called Greyhound.

2020’s Greyhound from director Aaron Schneider skipped the theaters last year due to that whole global pandemic thing. Apple landed it as their big exclusive movie on their fledgling streaming service. This was much to the disappointment of Tom Hanks who wanted a big screen release for this movie he wrote the screenplay for based on the novel The Good Shepherd by C. S. Forester. I typically don’t care for World War II movies, but this one was interesting. Maybe because it’s the first movie I’ve seen about The Battle of the Atlantic. Also, at a 91 minute runtime, Greyhound doesn’t overstay its welcome.

Tom Hanks plays Commander Ernest Krause, captain of the USS Keeling. Its radio call sign is “Greyhound.” Greyhound is part of a team of escort ships, protecting supply ships on their way to Liverpool. Captain Krause is in command of the fleet, but it’s his first mission, first time coming face to face with the dreaded threats that lurk within the waters of the “Black Pit,” an area of the Atlantic out of range of air support, where the ships are vulnerable to the dreaded German U-boats. 

The U-boats are known as “wolf packs” because they hunt in groups. And they are pretty terrifying. We don’t get to really see the enemy in this movie. The creepy music blares, the sub pops up from the water with a red wolf’s head painted on the side, and before you know it, an oil tanker is torpedoed. You can see the toll this is taking on Captain Krause as he downs cups of flaming hot coffee while refusing to eat anything. 

Every so often, one of the Germans figures out the Greyhound’s radio frequency and starts trolling the crew. The German officer says stuff like, “We hear the screams of your comrades and we laugh. The wolf always eats the hound. We will kill you. Awhooooooooooo. Awhoooooooooo!” Captain Krause changes the frequency, but the Germans figure it out again and keep trolling them. There’s loss of crew members, high stakes suspense, and a climatic finish.

I’m with Tom Hanks. This should have gotten a theatrical release. The spectacle of warships and submarines attacking each other on the high seas would have been worth seeing on the big screen. Also, Tom Hanks tends to keep the details as true to life in these war films. This would have been an immersive experience in a proper theater. Here’s hoping it might get a second chance for a theatrical run. 

Photo by Leslie Salas.

Jeff Shuster (episode 47, episode 102, episode 124, episode 131, episode 284, episode 441, episode 442, episode 443, episode 444, and episode 450) is an MFA graduate from the University of Central Florida.

The Curator of Schlock #348 by Jeff Shuster

The Big Knife

Serious movie time!

So Big Tom had a heart attack. The doctor says he’s forbidden from trucking for the next six months. That means there’s no one to deliver that fancy canning equipment for that ready-to-eat salmon salad canning factory up in Saskatchewan. No one except for me. That’s right. Edwige and I are taking a road trip up to Canada. Granted, I’ve only observed Big Tom driving a truck. I’ve never taken the wheel myself. What could go wrong?

This week’s Arrow Home Video release is 1955’s The Big Knife from director Robert Aldrich. This is a bit higher class than the typical movies we cover here, but I will persevere somehow. I should warn you that The Big Knife is based on the play The Big Knife by Clifford Odets. I can always tell when a movie is based on a play. You’ve got few sets and a lot of dialogue. I always ask myself why I’m watching this on the screen when I could be watching it on the stage.

We’ve got an incredible cast of Hollywood stars of the era like Jack Palance, Ida Lupino, Wendell Corey, Jean Hagen, Rod Steiger, and Shelly Winters. As for the play—I mean movie—it’s another American tragedy deal. Don’t get me wrong. I love American tragedies. Arthur Miller’s A View From the Bridge is one of my favorites. What do you want from me? I grew up in the New York Metropolitan area where theatre is everything.

Jack Palance stars as Charlie Castle, a big Hollywood movie star living in the lap of luxury. Wine, women, and song are at his fingertips, but the only thing he wants in this world is his wife, Marion (Ida Lupino), who has separated from him due to all his drinking and womanizing. She’ll come back to him, but only if he doesn’t sign another contract with Stanley Hoff (Rod Steiger), the head of the studio. Charlie promises Marion he won’t sign, but we all know he will.

You see, it seems that Charlie had a bit of a drunk driving accident a few years back. While he was sloshed, he ran hit and killed some poor girl. His good friend, Buddy Bliss (Paul Langton), took the rap for the hit and run because he thinks the world of Charlie and didn’t want his career to go down the toilet. You know, I don’t care how good a friend someone is, you don’t go to jail for him. Sucker. Later in the movie, Charlie will get seduced by Buddy’s wife, Connie (Jean Hagen), and sleep with her. Charlie has a darker nature, you see. Buddy is such a sucker.

Anyway, Charlie doesn’t want Marion to leave him for good and he’s also tired of making schlock movies for the studio. But Stanley suggests that he should sign a contract with him as he’s privy to several of Charlie’s dark secrets. Charlie agrees to sign on for seven more years of financial security. I feel terrible for him. Perhaps I should bad for Dixie Evans (Shelly Winters), a struggling young starlet that was in the car with Charlie the night of the accident. And Dixie is threatening to blab to the press if the studio doesn’t give her a plumb role. I’m sure everything in Charlie’s life will work out fine. I’m sure it won’t end in tears.

Photo by Leslie Salas

Jeff Shuster (episode 47, episode 102, episode 124, episode 131, episode 284, episode 441, episode 442, episode 443, episode 444, and episode 450) is an MFA graduate from the University of Central Florida.

The Curator of Schlock #339 by Jeff Shuster

Black Scorpion

Joan Severance is Black Scorpion. You had me at Joan Severance. 

I’m putting the finishing touches on my screenplay that’s basically My Dinner With Andre. I’ve titled it My Dinner With Vlad. I hope Wally—who is a vampire if I haven’t lost my mind—likes it and that he’ll let me go. You know, I probably should have watched My Dinner With Andre before making the attempt, but I ain’t paying no $3.99 rental fee.

Tonight’s movie is 1995’s Black Scorpion from director Jonathan Winfrey and executive producer Roger Corman. Joan Severance stars as Darcy Walker, a no nonsense Police Detective serving the public trust of Angel City. I seem to recall Joan Severance from late cable movies I should not have been watching as a kid. Anyway, the movie begins with Darcy posing as a prostitute in the hopes of catching a vile pimp named E-Z Street (Darryl Bell) who’s been threatening one of his girls, Tender Lovin’ (Terri Vaughn). Darcy’s partner, Detective Michael Russo (Bruce Abbott), busts in as E-Z Street is about to get fresh with Darcy, but I think that messes up the arrest somehow as their captain releases E-Z Street back on the streets.

Darcy’s day goes from bad to worse when the district attorney shoots and kills her father, a former police officer himself. She visits the DA in jail to question him, but he doesn’t understand why he did it, almost like he was under some sort of mind control. Darcy pulls her gun on him and the chief dismisses her from the force. Later that night, Tender Lovin’ visits Darcy at her home and chides her for not protecting her from E-Z Street.

Darcy has had it with the system. She puts on a black bustier, dons some “badass boots,” wears a mask that covers her eyes, and braids her hair in a single braid tied up with a metal clasp resembling the stinger of a scorpion. Darcy pays E-Z Street a visit and they get into a tussle that results in E-Z Street getting thrown through a glass window and falling to his death.

The media names the masked vigilante Black Scorpion. Detective Russo wants to arrest Black Scorpion. Detective Russo also fends off the advances of Darcy because they were partners? She’s too aggressive? Ummmm. What? It’s Joan Severance! I don’t—I don’t understand. She’s obnoxiously perfect. I guess some men don’t like that. Don’t worry. There’s a steamy scene later in the movie where Black Scorpion has her way with Detective Russo.

Oh, there’s a super villain in this movie too. His name is Breathtaker, I think.

Breathtaker used to be a surgeon that got riddled with bullets when Darcy’s father was taking down some bank robbers. Now Breathless is stuck in some kind of a cybernetic suit that sustains him. He wants revenge on Angel City and all its citizens. Oh, and he uses mind control on people to accomplish his goals, people like gang members, female pro wrestlers, and even district attorneys. Will Black Scorpion prevail against her arch nemesis? Will Black Scorpion take her clothes off? If you’re more interested in the answer to the second question, shame on you!

And it’s yes to both.

Photo by Leslie Salas.

Jeff Shuster (episode 47, episode 102, episode 124, episode 131, episode 284, episode 441, episode 442, episode 443, episode 444, and episode 450) is an MFA graduate from the University of Central Florida.