The Curator of Schlock #407 by Jeff Shuster

Morgan

Scientists are stupid

I woke up. I was lying on the floor of a strange apartment and reeling in pain from getting my arm dislodged from its socket by the Revenging Manta, the ninja vigilante of downtown Orlando. I felt like I was going to die. 

“Don’t you ever sneak up on me,” the ninja said. “I could have killed you.” He clapped his hands together three times before grabbing my arm again to pop it back into its socket. I cried out, “Edwige!” And then I passed out.

— To be continued. 

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This is Science Gone Wrong Month on my humble blog. Tonight’s movie is 2016’s Morgan from director Luke Scott, son of Ridley Scott who is also listed as producer. The movie stars Kate Mara, Jennifer Jason Leigh, Paul Giamatti, Michelle Yeoh, Toby Jones, and Anya Taylor-Joy among others. You even get a cameo from Brian Cox. What a cast! And they star in a movie about a test tube baby that goes on a massacre in an isolated estate in the country. This is a B movie with an A cast.

A woman by the name of Lee Weathers (Kate Mara) gets dispatched to a research compound deep in the country. This is one of those near future movies where corporations are now messing around with genetic engineering. It seems that there was an incident that happened at the lab involving an experimental creature named Morgan. It seems that Morgan repeatedly stabbed a Dr. Kathy Grieff (Jennifer Jason Leigh) in the eye. Morgan has no gender, but the scientists keep switching between her and it. Morgan is played by the lovely Anya Taylor-Joy, but she looks like a monster here with grey skin and slicked back hair.

Dr. Simon Ziegler explains to Lee how Morgan was created using synthetic DNA and nanotechnology and a bunch of science gobbledygook that I can’t make heads or tails of. What I find disturbing is how much this staff of scientists love Morgan and treat it/her as one of the family. The scientists even threw Morgan a birthday party. They’re very proud of their experiment and hope risk management will ignore the whole incident concerning the eye stabbing. Lee informs them that a psychologist by the name of Dr. Alan Shapiro (Paul Giamatti) will be stopping by to make the final assessment. 

Dr. Shapiro shows up and acts like a perfect ass. He takes one look at Morgan and states that it’s already failed the psych exam. He also insists on speaking to Morgan directly inside its cell. The scientists don’t think that’s such a good idea and Dr. Shapiro tells them not to tell him how to do his job. Dr. Shapiro’s psych evaluation of Morgan involves him constantly trying to get a rise out of the patient. He tells Morgan that it has no friends. Dr. Shapiro threatens Morgan with permanent imprisonment and possible termination. Morgan doesn’t like this so it rips out Dr. Shapiro’s throat.

With Morgan failing its psych exam, the scientists are ordered by corporate to put Morgan to sleep. They refuse to do this and make arrangements to flee the lab with Morgan. The scientists lock Lee in Morgan’s cell so she won’t interfere. At first I thought Morgan had some kind of psychic hold on the scientists, but they’re really just this stupid. It’s around this time that Morgan goes on a killing spree, murdering the very scientists that were trying to help it. There’s a twist ending that I won’t spoil here. Until next week.

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Jeff Shuster (episode 47, episode 102, episode 124, episode 131, episode 284, episode 441, episode 442, episode 443, episode 444, episode 450, episode 477, episode 491, episode 492, episode 493, episode 495, episode 496, episode 545, episode 546, episode 547, episode 548, and episode 549) is an MFA graduate from the University of Central Florida.

The Curator of Schlock #406 by Jeff Shuster

2023 Preview

I did a stupid thing. I overheard the Revenging Manta, the ninja vigilante of downtown Orlando, playing the Moonlight Sonata on his Casio Keyboard. I decided to sneak up behind him while he was distracted, thinking I might take that mask off and get a peak at his face. Before my fingers reached his mask, he grabbed my wrist, jerked my arm hard. I heard a pop and realized he had just dislocated my shoulder. And then I passed out. — To be continued.

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You know, I think it’s high time I looked to 2023 and the many wonderful movies the year has in store for us. And what better way to do it than by checking out some movie posters for upcoming releases and surmising their plots from them. Let’s dig in.

Baby Ruby

Noémie Merlant and Kit Harrington star in this psychological horror movie about a couple struggling to conceive their first child. The husband decides to buy an infant on the black market from a southern gentleman in a seersucker suit. The baby seller hands the child over on the condition her new parents name her Ruby. The wife is set on calling her Margaret and descends into madness over the fact they have to name the child Ruby. After a bloody finale, Ruby gets adopted by the Queen of Denmark.

The Outwaters

A quirky comedy set in a small town in New Mexico. A weird face appears in the sky and the locals find themselves ill equipped to handle the dozens of tourists visiting their little borough each day. A fight breaks out between two rival families over the merchandising rights to the face in the sky. Meanwhile, a crackpot inventor creates a rocket pack so he can fly up to ask the face in the sky what the meaning of life is.

Beau is Afraid

Joaquin Phoenix stars as Beau. As a boy, Beau is too afraid to leave his room and hangs out all day in his pajamas. As a young man, Beau is too afraid to leave his room and hangs out all day in his pajamas. As a middle-aged man, Beau is too afraid to leave his room and hangs out all day in his pajamas. As an old man, Beau is too afraid to leave his room and hangs out all day in his pajamas. Then he dies.

Inside

William Dafoe plays a recluse who lives in a green house on the 51st floor of a high rise in Mumbai. He experiments with plants to create a rare variant of cucumber that grows in any environment. A pickle consortium sends an assassin to take him out. Jason Statham also stars.

A Good Person

Morgan Freeman plays a good person. Florence Pugh plays a bad person. All Morgan Freeman’s character wants to do is build a miniature replica of the Empire State Building using used matchsticks. He then plans to enter his creation into a matchstick miniature contest. If he wins the $50,000 prize, he’ll donate the money to the local orphanage because he’s a good person. While carrying his creation to the contest, Florence Pugh, knocks him over with her bike. He crushes his creation with his weight. She laughs as she rides away because she’s a bad person.

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Jeff Shuster (episode 47, episode 102, episode 124, episode 131, episode 284, episode 441, episode 442, episode 443, episode 444, episode 450, episode 477, episode 491, episode 492, episode 493, episode 495, episode 496, episode 545, episode 546, episode 547, episode 548, and episode 549) is an MFA graduate from the University of Central Florida.

The Curator of Schlock #399 by Jeff Shuster

The Warriors

Skip the director’s cut. 

There I was, stuck in a bowling alley in the dead of night next to a decapitated fentanyl dealer. Actually, the guy wasn’t decapitated. His head had exploded after the Revenging Manta, a ninja vigilante from the downtown Orlando area, threw a bowling ball directly at his cranium. I was picking bits of brain and skull out of my hair as the Revenging Manta gathered up the collection of multicolored pills and shoved them into a pink Hello Kitty bag. — To be continued.

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This week’s movie is 1979’s The Warriors from director Walter Hill. How have I not covered this movie on this blog? Maybe in all these years of pontificating about cinema I’ve not felt worthy enough to review this. I will do my best.

The movie starts out with Deno’s Wonder Wheel lit up against the night sky as moody electronic music from composer Barry De Vorzon plays in the background. We’re soon introduced to the Warriors, the resident gang of Coney Island, NY. They’ve been called to a meeting of all the gangs in New York City. And I mean all of the gangs of New York City: The Boppers, the Saracens, the Hi-Hats, the Moonrunners, the Panzers, the Jones Streets Boys, the Electric Eliminators, and the Van Cortlandt Rangers to name a few.

Nine delegates from a hundred gangs meet at a park in the Bronx where a man named Cyrus (Roger Hill), head of the Gramercy Riffs, ignites the crowd with promises of conquest. If all the gangs can keep up a truce and work together then no one in New York City could stop them. Not the police. Not the crime syndicates. He asks the crowd, “Can you dig it?” The crowd roars in triumph. Cyrus is a supervillain and like many supervillains, you in the audience are secretly admiring him. And just when Cyrus is on top of the world, a punk named Luther (David Patrick Kelly) shoots him dead.

Right after Cyrus falls to the ground, the lights in the park blaze on and dozens of cops storm the scene. Cleon (Dorsey Wright), the Warlord of the Warriors, goes to check on Cyrus. While he and the Gramercy Riffs examine his corpse, Luther points the finger at Cleon stating he’s the guy that shot Cyrus. He and the other Rogues attack Cleon and it’s not long before the Gramercy Riffs join in, beating him to death.

With their Warlord nowhere in sight, the rest of the Warriors escape the park and hide in a cemetery. Swan (Michael Beck) is the War Chief of the gang, the second in command that has to get them home to Coney Island. Joining him are seven other gang members like the hothead Ajax (James Remar) and graffiti artist Rembrandt (Marcelino Sánchez). The Gramercy Riffs want the Warriors alive if possible, wasted if necessary. They’ve put out a call to action to all the gangs between the Bronx and Coney Island to take care of The Warriors. 

What follows is a struggle for survival as the Warriors escape the cops and well as the likes of the Turnbull Acs, the Punks, and the Baseball Furies. It’s a trial by fire and not all of the Warriors will survive the journey home. To say more would spoil this movie. The Warriors is a brilliant film, showing us the perspective of guys Paul Kersey would shoot without giving it a second thought. Never boring and well worth repeated viewing, you can catch The Warriors streaming on Paramount+. 

Jeff Shuster (episode 47, episode 102, episode 124, episode 131, episode 284, episode 441, episode 442, episode 443, episode 444, episode 450, episode 477, episode 491, episode 492, episode 493, episode 495, episode 496, episode 545, episode 546, episode 547, episode 548, and episode 549) is an MFA graduate from the University of Central Florida.

The Curator of Schlock #398 by Jeff Shuster

Memory

That’s your movie title? You’re not even trying!

Where was I? Oh, I was undercover at a bowling alley, trying to buy some fentanyl from a drug-pusher named Gary. 

“Where’s the money? I don’t have all day.” Gary said as he lifted up a turquoise bowling ball. Suddenly, a look of terror spread across his face. Out of the shadows walked the Revenging Manta, the vigilante ninja of downtown Orlando. 

“You!” Gary screamed before hurling the bowling ball at the masked avenger. The Revenging Manta caught the ball and threw it right back at Gary. The ball struck Gary’s head with tremendous force. His cranium exploded, bloody chunks of flesh flying everywhere. A crimson geyser sprayed from his neck as the headless body stumbled around for a bit. — To be continued.

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This week’s movie is 2022’s Memory from director Martin Campbell. And it stars Liam Neeson as a hardened assassin out for vengeance. In these turbulent times, my cinematic comfort food usually revolves around aging leading men such Gerard Butler, Denzel Washington or Liam Neeson playing a character with a “certain set of skills” that gets pushed too far and unleashes holy hell on the bad guys. He makes them suffer and the audience  enjoys seeing them suffer. Everyone leaves the theater happy.

Or that would be the case if the trailer wasn’t a lie. When watching the trailer for Memory, we’re introduced to Liam Neeson who refers to himself as “the bad man.” He’s an unstoppable assassin, the best of the best. And then he gets an assignment that he will not do. He will not kill a child. And then you, the audience member, thinks, “Well, he may be a merciless assassin, but at least he doesn’t kill children.” Maybe he’s not such a bad guy after all.

We then see him taking out the bad guys, tipping off the cops to what he’s doing. The main detective is played by Guy Pearce. Neeson’s assassin states that he can’t keep doing his job for him, that these traffickers have to pay for what they do to children. We learn that Neeson’s assassin has some memory issues and can’t always remember where he was the night before. Maybe he’s not who he thinks he is. The trailer promises a competent action thriller from the director of the James Bond films Goldeneye and Casino Royale. Okay. I’m sold.

And then I watch the actual movie and am sorely disappointed. For starters, Neeson feels more like a supporting character than the lead. I guess that honor goes to Guy Pearce who’s looking a bit beaten down by life if I have to be honest. Maybe they dressed him down for the role of Vincent Serra, head of an investigation into child sex trafficking in El Paso. We see him trying to catch a guy pimping out his own underage daughter, but ends up killing the father in a tussle. Vincent asks the girl to give testimony against the cartels. Otherwise, she’ll be kicked back to Mexico. Her situation makes me depressed.

Then we have Alex Lewis (Liam Neeson), a contract killer in the beginning stages of Alzheimer’s. Alex visits his brother in a senior center and his brother stares at him with vacant eyes, a grim reminder of Alex’s own fate. By the end of the movie, Alex is just a befuddled old man, barely able to string a sentence together as he bleeds from his wounds. This isn’t what I want to see. Where is Neeson kicking ass? A couple months ago I was watching Neeson throw a guy from a moving train into the path of an oncoming moving train. 

It seems this movie is a remake of the Belgian movie, The Alzheimer Case. Apparently, that movie holds an 84% approval rating on Rotten Tomatoes while this one remains at 28%. Maybe I should check out the original.

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Jeff Shuster (episode 47, episode 102, episode 124, episode 131, episode 284, episode 441, episode 442, episode 443, episode 444, episode 450, episode 477, episode 491, episode 492, episode 493, episode 495, episode 496, episode 545, episode 546, episode 547, episode 548, and episode 549) is an MFA graduate from the University of Central Florida.