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The Drunken Odyssey

~ A Podcast About the Writing Life

The Drunken Odyssey

Category Archives: Film

The Curator of Schlock #407: Morgan

03 Friday Feb 2023

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The Curator of Schlock #407 by Jeff Shuster

Morgan

Scientists are stupid

I woke up. I was lying on the floor of a strange apartment and reeling in pain from getting my arm dislodged from its socket by the Revenging Manta, the ninja vigilante of downtown Orlando. I felt like I was going to die. 

“Don’t you ever sneak up on me,” the ninja said. “I could have killed you.” He clapped his hands together three times before grabbing my arm again to pop it back into its socket. I cried out, “Edwige!” And then I passed out.

— To be continued. 

_______

This is Science Gone Wrong Month on my humble blog. Tonight’s movie is 2016’s Morgan from director Luke Scott, son of Ridley Scott who is also listed as producer. The movie stars Kate Mara, Jennifer Jason Leigh, Paul Giamatti, Michelle Yeoh, Toby Jones, and Anya Taylor-Joy among others. You even get a cameo from Brian Cox. What a cast! And they star in a movie about a test tube baby that goes on a massacre in an isolated estate in the country. This is a B movie with an A cast.

A woman by the name of Lee Weathers (Kate Mara) gets dispatched to a research compound deep in the country. This is one of those near future movies where corporations are now messing around with genetic engineering. It seems that there was an incident that happened at the lab involving an experimental creature named Morgan. It seems that Morgan repeatedly stabbed a Dr. Kathy Grieff (Jennifer Jason Leigh) in the eye. Morgan has no gender, but the scientists keep switching between her and it. Morgan is played by the lovely Anya Taylor-Joy, but she looks like a monster here with grey skin and slicked back hair.

Dr. Simon Ziegler explains to Lee how Morgan was created using synthetic DNA and nanotechnology and a bunch of science gobbledygook that I can’t make heads or tails of. What I find disturbing is how much this staff of scientists love Morgan and treat it/her as one of the family. The scientists even threw Morgan a birthday party. They’re very proud of their experiment and hope risk management will ignore the whole incident concerning the eye stabbing. Lee informs them that a psychologist by the name of Dr. Alan Shapiro (Paul Giamatti) will be stopping by to make the final assessment. 

Dr. Shapiro shows up and acts like a perfect ass. He takes one look at Morgan and states that it’s already failed the psych exam. He also insists on speaking to Morgan directly inside its cell. The scientists don’t think that’s such a good idea and Dr. Shapiro tells them not to tell him how to do his job. Dr. Shapiro’s psych evaluation of Morgan involves him constantly trying to get a rise out of the patient. He tells Morgan that it has no friends. Dr. Shapiro threatens Morgan with permanent imprisonment and possible termination. Morgan doesn’t like this so it rips out Dr. Shapiro’s throat.

With Morgan failing its psych exam, the scientists are ordered by corporate to put Morgan to sleep. They refuse to do this and make arrangements to flee the lab with Morgan. The scientists lock Lee in Morgan’s cell so she won’t interfere. At first I thought Morgan had some kind of psychic hold on the scientists, but they’re really just this stupid. It’s around this time that Morgan goes on a killing spree, murdering the very scientists that were trying to help it. There’s a twist ending that I won’t spoil here. Until next week.

_______

Photo by Leslie Salas.

Jeff Shuster (episode 47, episode 102, episode 124, episode 131, episode 284, episode 441, episode 442, episode 443, episode 444, episode 450, episode 477, episode 491, episode 492, episode 493, episode 495, episode 496, episode 545, episode 546, episode 547, episode 548, and episode 549) is an MFA graduate from the University of Central Florida.

The Curator of Schlock #406: 2023 Preview

27 Friday Jan 2023

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The Curator of Schlock #406 by Jeff Shuster

2023 Preview

I did a stupid thing. I overheard the Revenging Manta, the ninja vigilante of downtown Orlando, playing the Moonlight Sonata on his Casio Keyboard. I decided to sneak up behind him while he was distracted, thinking I might take that mask off and get a peak at his face. Before my fingers reached his mask, he grabbed my wrist, jerked my arm hard. I heard a pop and realized he had just dislocated my shoulder. And then I passed out. — To be continued.

_______

You know, I think it’s high time I looked to 2023 and the many wonderful movies the year has in store for us. And what better way to do it than by checking out some movie posters for upcoming releases and surmising their plots from them. Let’s dig in.

Baby Ruby

Noémie Merlant and Kit Harrington star in this psychological horror movie about a couple struggling to conceive their first child. The husband decides to buy an infant on the black market from a southern gentleman in a seersucker suit. The baby seller hands the child over on the condition her new parents name her Ruby. The wife is set on calling her Margaret and descends into madness over the fact they have to name the child Ruby. After a bloody finale, Ruby gets adopted by the Queen of Denmark.

The Outwaters

A quirky comedy set in a small town in New Mexico. A weird face appears in the sky and the locals find themselves ill equipped to handle the dozens of tourists visiting their little borough each day. A fight breaks out between two rival families over the merchandising rights to the face in the sky. Meanwhile, a crackpot inventor creates a rocket pack so he can fly up to ask the face in the sky what the meaning of life is.

Beau is Afraid

Joaquin Phoenix stars as Beau. As a boy, Beau is too afraid to leave his room and hangs out all day in his pajamas. As a young man, Beau is too afraid to leave his room and hangs out all day in his pajamas. As a middle-aged man, Beau is too afraid to leave his room and hangs out all day in his pajamas. As an old man, Beau is too afraid to leave his room and hangs out all day in his pajamas. Then he dies.

Inside

William Dafoe plays a recluse who lives in a green house on the 51st floor of a high rise in Mumbai. He experiments with plants to create a rare variant of cucumber that grows in any environment. A pickle consortium sends an assassin to take him out. Jason Statham also stars.

A Good Person

Morgan Freeman plays a good person. Florence Pugh plays a bad person. All Morgan Freeman’s character wants to do is build a miniature replica of the Empire State Building using used matchsticks. He then plans to enter his creation into a matchstick miniature contest. If he wins the $50,000 prize, he’ll donate the money to the local orphanage because he’s a good person. While carrying his creation to the contest, Florence Pugh, knocks him over with her bike. He crushes his creation with his weight. She laughs as she rides away because she’s a bad person.

_______

Photo by Leslie Salas.

Jeff Shuster (episode 47, episode 102, episode 124, episode 131, episode 284, episode 441, episode 442, episode 443, episode 444, episode 450, episode 477, episode 491, episode 492, episode 493, episode 495, episode 496, episode 545, episode 546, episode 547, episode 548, and episode 549) is an MFA graduate from the University of Central Florida.

The Curator of Schlock #405: Black Adam

20 Friday Jan 2023

Posted by thedrunkenodyssey in Comic Books, Film, The Curator of Schlock

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The Curator of Schlock #405 by Jeff Shuster

Black Adam

Not Black Atom. 

I was making myself at home in the one bedroom apartment of the Revenging Manta, the ninja vigilante of downtown Orlando. I examined his shelves and noticed a collection of Red Rose Tea figurines. The most prominent ones were woodland creatures and the holiday collection. I bet I could sell the lot for $32.50 on eBay. I picked up a miniature Uncle Sam, but put it back down when I heard the sound of the Moonlight Sonata tinkling from the bedroom. — To be continued.

_______

This week’s movie is 2022’s Black Adam from director Jaume Collet-Serra. I know that director. He was responsible for two Liam Neeson movies I covered last year: Non-Stop and The Commuter. For what it’s worth, I liked those movies so I went into Black Adam with an open mind. I mean you have Dwayne Johnson in the starring role and he looks just like the DC comics character the movie is named for.

Let’s get one thing out of the way. Black Adam is a super villain. He’s like the arch-nemesis of Captain Marvel. Not the Marvel Universe Captain Marvel, but the DC Universe Captain Marvel. I think they have to call him Shazam now because DC lost the rights to the name or something. Oh, and don’t expect Shazam to show up in this movie even though he’s the superhero and Black Adam is the supervillain. Because maybe Black Adam isn’t really a supervillain after all, but a brooding anti-hero.

I give the movie points for the setting. Our story takes place in the fictional middle-eastern nation of Kahndaq. This country has always been the target of oppressors for thousands of years. The latest group exploiting this country is Intergang, an international gang of mercenaries. This evil organization is searching for the legendary Crown of Sabbac, a mystical item that will give its wearer the powers of hell or something like that. An archaeologist named Adrianna Tomaz (Sarah Shahi) finds the location of the crown in an ancient tomb. She’s hoping to get the crown before Intergang so she can hide it in another location.

No sooner does she find the crown that Intergang shows up to take it for their own nefarious purposes. Adrianna reads an ancient spell and sets free Teth-Adam, the legendary champion of Kahndaq. Teth-Adam (Dwayne Johnson) slaughters the Intergang soldiers and I do not feel bad for them. They kind of deserved to die unlike those mercenaries Morbius hired, but let’s not bring up that again. The United States government takes note of the situation and dispatches the Justice Society to put a stop to Teth-Adam. 

Who are the Justice Society? They’re a team of superheroes who are not the Justice League. We have Hawkman (Aldis Hodge), Doctor Fate (Pierce Brosnan), Cyclone (Quintessa Swindell), and Atom Smasher (Noah Centineo). Hawkman and Doctor Fate have a long history of fighting evil and are very old friends. Atom Smasher can grow really large and has Fonzie for a grandfather. Cyclone can create cyclones? Doctor Fate is a wizard and Hackman has wings and can fly around and hit things with his mallet.

Black Adam belongs to the same DC cinematic universe that gave us that Batman killing Superman movie years back. And while I can appreciate seeing the Rock toss bad guys around like rag dolls, it just isn’t enough. I like the actors, but by the time we get to the climactic battle scene with the demon lord and his army of the undead, it feels like we’re just going through the motions. 

We get a Superman cameo at the end with Henry Cavill portraying the Man of Steel, but James Gunn recently announced that Cavill will not be returning to the role of Superman as Warner Media is planning a reboot of the DC cinematic universe. Funny how they let that cat out the bag when there are four more movies set in this current DC cinematic universe due out this year. Kind of destroys the hype for Aquamaniacs out there.

_______

Photo by Leslie Salas.

Jeff Shuster (episode 47, episode 102, episode 124, episode 131, episode 284, episode 441, episode 442, episode 443, episode 444, episode 450, episode 477, episode 491, episode 492, episode 493, episode 495, episode 496, episode 545, episode 546, episode 547, episode 548, and episode 549) is an MFA graduate from the University of Central Florida.

The Curator of Schlock #404: Morbius

13 Friday Jan 2023

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The Curator of Schlock #404 by Jeff Shuster

Morbius

It’s Morbin’ Time

There I was in the secret hideout of the Revenging Manta, the ninja vigilante of downtown Orlando. By secret hideout, I mean his one bedroom apartment. I went to take a shower, lathering up with Dove sensitive skin soap and massaging my follicles with Pert Plus, shampoo and conditioner in one. There was even a nice cotton bathroom waiting for me. I needed to brush my teeth and saw a lone, cherry red soft bristle toothbrush sitting in a cup by the sink. I figured what the ninja didn’t know couldn’t hurt him.

— To be continued. 

_______

This week’s movie is 2022’s Morbius from director Daniel Espinosa. Much like Venom, this movie features a Spider-Man villain with no Spider-Man. But he’s not really a bad guy; he’s kind of a tortured soul named Michael Morbius (Jared Leto). Born with a debilitating blood disease, Dr. Michael Morbius has spent his life trying to cure it, even studying to become the world’s preeminent expert on the subject. He even receives a prize from the King of Sweden for his invention of artificial blood which has saved more lives than penicillin.

It’s about this moment that I’m wondering why I should care about anything Marvel-related after they killed off Tony Stark!

I know.

I know.

This Sony Marvel universe is not the Disney Marvel universe though there are crossovers between the universes. How does that work? It’s all just a big ball of wibbly wobbly, timey wimey bullshit! (If I’m wrong, explain it to me in the comments, with diagrams and math problems if need be.)

Dr. Michael Morbius visits Costa Rica to capture some vampire bats to experiment with. I don’t think I’d experiment with vampire bats. That might turn me into a monster in the Sony Marvel universe. But I trust the good intentions of Dr. Michael Morbius as we see him comforting a sick little girl in the hospital who has the same genetic disorder as him. If only he could find a cure, not just for himself, but for all the poor afflicted children of the world. With the help of his love interest/colleague Dr. Martine Bancroft (Adria Arjona), the two set out for the high seas to conduct an illegal experiment in a secret laboratory on a freighter guarded by a dozen or so mercenaries. (I promise you I’ve never done that myself.)

Dr. Brancroft injects the serum into Morbiuss’s back, thus transforming him into a monster thirsting for human blood. This would be the part in the movie where we cut to Peter Parker trying to figure how he’s going to pay the rent this month, but there’s no Spider-Man here, Morbius makes short work of the mercenaries, draining their blood and slashing them to ribbons. That’s okay as these were mercs who probably deserved to die anyway. Morbius jumps ship leaving Dr. Bancroft to deal with the cops.

Oh, did I mention that Morbius has a childhood friend named Lucien played by Matt Smith? Like Morbius, Lucien also has a debilitating blood disease that keeps him on crutches. Morbius refuses to give Lucien the bat potion as he doesn’t want Lucien to share his vampiric existence. So Lucien just steals the bat potion when Morbius is incapacitated. Lucien’s first victim is a nurse and a single mother.

Boo!

That makes him a bad living vampire, unlike Morbius. 

Did you ever want to see Matt Smith dance shirtless to the tune of EKSE by Off the Meds? Then this is the movie for you.

Did you want to see Jared Leto zipping around New York City like a flying squirrel? Then this is the movie for you.

And be sure to watch that after credits scene, Let’s just say there may be a Sinister Six movie coming in the future. A Sinister Six movie with no Spider-Man. A Sinister Six movie where they’re bad, but not bad guys.

_______

Photo by Leslie Salas

Jeff Shuster (episode 47, episode 102, episode 124, episode 131, episode 284, episode 441, episode 442, episode 443, episode 444, episode 450, episode 477, episode 491, episode 492, episode 493, episode 495, episode 496, episode 545, episode 546, episode 547, episode 548, and episode 549) is an MFA graduate from the University of Central Florida.

The Curator of Schlock #403: Bloody New Year

06 Friday Jan 2023

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The Curator of Schlock #403 by Jeff Shuster

Bloody New Year

Not so happy. 

After wading through ten miles of disgusting sewer water, the Revenging Manta and I opened a manhole to the surface. I was anxious to see the secret hideout of the ninja vigilante of downtown Orlando. I was in dire need of a shower with all the crap and blood stuck to me. I followed the ninja to an old apartment building where we climbed the fire escape. The Revenging Manta opened a window on the fourth floor and we climbed through.

I knocked over a fern on the way in.

“Where’s the secret hideout?” I asked, wondering why we had just waded through miles of rancid water. 

“This is my apartment,” he said, setting his sword down on a coffee table. “I don’t have a secret hideout.” — To be continued.

_______

Happy New Year! So long, 2022. Don’t let the door hit you on your way out. This week’s movie is 1987’s Bloody New Year from director Norman J. Warren. The movie begins in 1959 with a New Year’s Eve bash at the Grand Island Hotel. No, this movie does not take place in Grand Island, New York or Grand Island, Nebraska, but on a mysterious island called Grand island. One of the guests from the New Year’s dance walks into the dance hall to find it completely empty. While cleaning herself up in a mirror, a hand reaches through the mirror and pulls her into the mirror.

That should be a spooky scene, but the movie cuts to modern times so quickly that you don’t really have time to register what happened. We’re introduced to some vacationing British tourists enjoying a seaside amusement park. Some malcontents are terrorizing an American tourist named Carol (Catherine Roman) on a spinning teacups ride. Our British tourists come to the rescue, shutting down the ride and fighting the hooligans off to rescue the girl from her spinning nightmare.

One of the Brits, a guy named Tom (Julian Ronnie), removes the battery from the ride. The owner of the ride and the malcontents chase him through the park to get it back. Pandemonium ensues as our British tourists try to escape the park. Tom and his friend, Rick (Mark Powley), hide in the funhouse, but the hooligans follow them inside. They’re rescued when their friend Lesley (Suzy Aitchison), crashes her car through the funhouse with a boat in tow. The kids escape the park and head out toward the sea in an effort to flee their pursuers.

That should have been the movie: young British tourists causing mayhem in an amusement park. Instead, our group of vacationers gets in the boat only to get shipwrecked when the boat crashes into some coral. They swim to the closest shore which happens to be Grand Island. And this island is haunted. They make their way to the hotel and weird shenanigans ensue like a bannister that comes to life and bites your arm or tables that come to life and try to suck you into them.

Eh. This one was kind of a chore to get through. Also, the majority of the movie takes place in July so there’s not really a New Year’s theme going on here. And there’s not much blood as it’s a British production from the Video Nasty era. So it’s not really a Bloody New Year after all.

_______

Photo by Leslie Salas.

Jeff Shuster (episode 47, episode 102, episode 124, episode 131, episode 284, episode 441, episode 442, episode 443, episode 444, episode 450, episode 477, episode 491, episode 492, episode 493, episode 495, episode 496, episode 545, episode 546, episode 547, episode 548, and episode 549) is an MFA graduate from the University of Central Florida.

The Curator of Schlock #402: Don’t Open Till Christmas

30 Friday Dec 2022

Posted by thedrunkenodyssey in Christmas, Film, Horror, The Curator of Schlock

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Caroline Munro, Don't Open Till Christmas

The Curator of Schlock #402 by Jeff Shuster

Don’t Open Till [sic] Christmas

Don’t Open Until Christmas

There I was, wading through crapwaters of the Orlando sewer system.  The sewer water went up to my knees and then to my waist and then to my chest. I was on my way to the secret hideout of the Revenging Manta, the famous ninja vigilante. He led the way, waves of rancid water crashing against him as he made great strides toward our destination. Eventually, we came to a ladder that went straight up to a manhole. 

“You first,” he said. — To be continued.

_______

This week’s movie is 1984’s Don’t Open Till Christmas from director Edmund Perdum. This entry in a long line of Christmas slasher movies has a twist: the victims are your run-of-the-mill department store Santas. Yeah, it would seem that some creeper has a vendetta against jolly St. Nick. Who wants to murder Kris Kringle? Honestly, all the guy does is give you free presents once a year and you don’t have to declare them come tax season. I guess the director was going for something different this time around, trading horny teenagers for middle-aged, sad-sack Santas.

The movie begins with a guy dressed as Santa getting hot and heavy with his girlfriend in the backseat of his car. Then, naturally, we get the point of view of a heavy-breather stalker. The guy and his girlfriend get stabbed to death by the killer. We’re then treated to a nasty credit sequence with a distorted take on Jingle Bells playing in the background as we watch a wax Santa Claus melt into goo. Was there an audience for this sort of thing? Were people fed up with Christmas back in 1984?

Our next scene takes place at a costume party where a Santa Claus is about to perform some gags for an adult audience. Unfortunately, he gets speared through the head by one of the guests dressed up like a shrunken head. His daughter, Kate Brisk (Belinda Mayne), cradles her dad’s body while her boyfriend, Cliff (Gerry Sundquist), goes after the killer only to find an abandoned costume. It’s up to the New Scotland Yard to solve the case.

What happened to the old Scotland Yard?

Naturally, this new Scotland Yard is just as baffled by these Christmas slayings as the old Scotland Yard would be. A Chief Inspector Harris (Edmund Purdom) is on the case. A couple of police officers go undercover as Santas at a local carnival in an effort to lure the killer out of hiding. It works a little too well as the killer emerges to slaughter them both. Too bad.

One of the sadder killings in this movie is when a sweet, middle-aged man visits a peep show booth. He’s shy and awkward and doesn’t know how to talk to the girl. He lives at home with his mother and a mall Santa job was the best he could do. And then he gets slayed by the Santa serial killer right in front of the stripper. Question: why murder a guy right in front of a witness and then leave the scene? You know she’s going straight to the cops.

What else? The glamorous Caroline Munro (of Starcrash fame) stars as herself in this movie and even sings. Makes me wonder if she had a music career and made top of the pops. You can catch Don’t Open Till Christmas streaming for free on Tubi.

Maybe don’t pay money for this one.

Photo by Leslie Salas

Jeff Shuster (episode 47, episode 102, episode 124, episode 131, episode 284, episode 441, episode 442, episode 443, episode 444, episode 450, episode 477, episode 491, episode 492, episode 493, episode 495, episode 496, episode 545, episode 546, episode 547, episode 548, and episode 549) is an MFA graduate from the University of Central Florida.

The Curator of Schlock #400: To All a Goodnight

16 Friday Dec 2022

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David Hess, To All a Goodnight

The Curator of Schlock #400 by Jeff Shuster

To All a Goodnight

David Hess returns to the Museum of Schlock.

The Revenging Manta (the ninja vigilante of downtown Orlando) was fishing around the corpse of Gary, the recently deceased corpse of a a fentanyl dealer disguised as a pizza delivery man. Manta found keys and we headed to Gary’s green Volvo. 

“Are we off to your secret hideout?” I asked as I plucked one of Gary’s teeth out of my hair. “I could really use a shower.”

— To be continued.

_______

Happy Holidays from your humble Curator of Schlock. This week’s movie is the 1980 Christmas classic To All a Goodnight from director David Hess.

Wait.

What?

The David Hess? Star of such movies as The Last House on the Left and Hitch-Hike? Indeed. Plus, he must have directed this the same year he starred in The House on the Edge of the Park. Busy man. 

Our movie begins with a fatal sorority prank. A bevy of college girls chase a frightened student of the Calvin Finishing School for Girls. Some are decked out as Santa Claus wielding axes. They chase the young student up to the balcony where she loses her footing. I wonder if a relative of the deceased girl will seek revenge in a couple of years. Wasn’t this the plot of Prom Night? Both came out in 1980. I suppose the screenwriters were plugged into the collective unconscious at the same time.

Did finishing schools still exist in 1980? I thought those went out in the 1960s, but maybe they still existed for the upper crust. After all, one of the main plot points of this movie revolves around a group of randy mean girls inviting some trust fund guys to a party at their sorority house. I think some of these young women are hoping to bag a millionaire. All except for Nancy (Jennifer Runyon), who’s pure and innocent.

Nancy will be the final girl, in case you couldn’t figure that out. 

So the girls are stuck at the sorority house during Christmas break, but that’s okay. They’ve got housemother Mrs. Jensen there to cook them beef stew and cherry pie. But not all is well at this school. Seems that there’s a killer roaming the grounds dressed as Santa Claus, stalking his next victim. You get some creative kills here. One involves a guy getting strung up with a wire garrote. I don’t know. I’m barely feeling the Christmas theme here. Maybe he could have ornamented a Christmas tree with body parts from his victims.

Come to think of it, there aren’t a whole lot of Christmas decorations at this school. No festive lights, no wreaths. We finally see a Christmas tree about two thirds of the way through. I wonder if the producers decided to make this a Christmas themed slasher about halfway through the production.

It doesn’t help that this is taking place in a sunny climate. Hey, I live in Florida, but when I think of Christmas, I think northward. Only an idiot would set a Christmas movie in Florida. 

And where is David Hess? He directed this movie, but didn’t star? Imagine this same premise, a bunch of spoiled brats living it up at Christmas time and David Hess shows up in Santa suit ready to party, but then turns violent when the rich pricks decide to ridicule him. Pain and humiliation gets heaped upon the sons and daughters of the wealthy. That movie writes itself.

To All a Goodnight is that kind of movie–one that makes you imagine better schlock that could have been.

You’ll yawn ’til dawn.

_______

Photo by Leslie Salas

Jeff Shuster (episode 47, episode 102, episode 124, episode 131, episode 284, episode 441, episode 442, episode 443, episode 444, episode 450, episode 477, episode 491, episode 492, episode 493, episode 495, episode 496, episode 545, episode 546, episode 547, episode 548, and episode 549) is an MFA graduate from the University of Central Florida.

The Curator of Schlock #399: The Warriors

02 Friday Dec 2022

Posted by thedrunkenodyssey in Film, The Curator of Schlock

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The Curator of Schlock #399 by Jeff Shuster

The Warriors

Skip the director’s cut. 

There I was, stuck in a bowling alley in the dead of night next to a decapitated fentanyl dealer. Actually, the guy wasn’t decapitated. His head had exploded after the Revenging Manta, a ninja vigilante from the downtown Orlando area, threw a bowling ball directly at his cranium. I was picking bits of brain and skull out of my hair as the Revenging Manta gathered up the collection of multicolored pills and shoved them into a pink Hello Kitty bag. — To be continued.

_______

This week’s movie is 1979’s The Warriors from director Walter Hill. How have I not covered this movie on this blog? Maybe in all these years of pontificating about cinema I’ve not felt worthy enough to review this. I will do my best.

The movie starts out with Deno’s Wonder Wheel lit up against the night sky as moody electronic music from composer Barry De Vorzon plays in the background. We’re soon introduced to the Warriors, the resident gang of Coney Island, NY. They’ve been called to a meeting of all the gangs in New York City. And I mean all of the gangs of New York City: The Boppers, the Saracens, the Hi-Hats, the Moonrunners, the Panzers, the Jones Streets Boys, the Electric Eliminators, and the Van Cortlandt Rangers to name a few.

Nine delegates from a hundred gangs meet at a park in the Bronx where a man named Cyrus (Roger Hill), head of the Gramercy Riffs, ignites the crowd with promises of conquest. If all the gangs can keep up a truce and work together then no one in New York City could stop them. Not the police. Not the crime syndicates. He asks the crowd, “Can you dig it?” The crowd roars in triumph. Cyrus is a supervillain and like many supervillains, you in the audience are secretly admiring him. And just when Cyrus is on top of the world, a punk named Luther (David Patrick Kelly) shoots him dead.

Right after Cyrus falls to the ground, the lights in the park blaze on and dozens of cops storm the scene. Cleon (Dorsey Wright), the Warlord of the Warriors, goes to check on Cyrus. While he and the Gramercy Riffs examine his corpse, Luther points the finger at Cleon stating he’s the guy that shot Cyrus. He and the other Rogues attack Cleon and it’s not long before the Gramercy Riffs join in, beating him to death.

With their Warlord nowhere in sight, the rest of the Warriors escape the park and hide in a cemetery. Swan (Michael Beck) is the War Chief of the gang, the second in command that has to get them home to Coney Island. Joining him are seven other gang members like the hothead Ajax (James Remar) and graffiti artist Rembrandt (Marcelino Sánchez). The Gramercy Riffs want the Warriors alive if possible, wasted if necessary. They’ve put out a call to action to all the gangs between the Bronx and Coney Island to take care of The Warriors. 

What follows is a struggle for survival as the Warriors escape the cops and well as the likes of the Turnbull Acs, the Punks, and the Baseball Furies. It’s a trial by fire and not all of the Warriors will survive the journey home. To say more would spoil this movie. The Warriors is a brilliant film, showing us the perspective of guys Paul Kersey would shoot without giving it a second thought. Never boring and well worth repeated viewing, you can catch The Warriors streaming on Paramount+. 

Photo by Leslie Salas.

Jeff Shuster (episode 47, episode 102, episode 124, episode 131, episode 284, episode 441, episode 442, episode 443, episode 444, episode 450, episode 477, episode 491, episode 492, episode 493, episode 495, episode 496, episode 545, episode 546, episode 547, episode 548, and episode 549) is an MFA graduate from the University of Central Florida.

The Curator of Schlock #398: Memory

18 Friday Nov 2022

Posted by thedrunkenodyssey in Film, The Curator of Schlock

≈ Leave a comment

The Curator of Schlock #398 by Jeff Shuster

Memory

That’s your movie title? You’re not even trying!

Where was I? Oh, I was undercover at a bowling alley, trying to buy some fentanyl from a drug-pusher named Gary. 

“Where’s the money? I don’t have all day.” Gary said as he lifted up a turquoise bowling ball. Suddenly, a look of terror spread across his face. Out of the shadows walked the Revenging Manta, the vigilante ninja of downtown Orlando. 

“You!” Gary screamed before hurling the bowling ball at the masked avenger. The Revenging Manta caught the ball and threw it right back at Gary. The ball struck Gary’s head with tremendous force. His cranium exploded, bloody chunks of flesh flying everywhere. A crimson geyser sprayed from his neck as the headless body stumbled around for a bit. — To be continued.

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This week’s movie is 2022’s Memory from director Martin Campbell. And it stars Liam Neeson as a hardened assassin out for vengeance. In these turbulent times, my cinematic comfort food usually revolves around aging leading men such Gerard Butler, Denzel Washington or Liam Neeson playing a character with a “certain set of skills” that gets pushed too far and unleashes holy hell on the bad guys. He makes them suffer and the audience  enjoys seeing them suffer. Everyone leaves the theater happy.

Or that would be the case if the trailer wasn’t a lie. When watching the trailer for Memory, we’re introduced to Liam Neeson who refers to himself as “the bad man.” He’s an unstoppable assassin, the best of the best. And then he gets an assignment that he will not do. He will not kill a child. And then you, the audience member, thinks, “Well, he may be a merciless assassin, but at least he doesn’t kill children.” Maybe he’s not such a bad guy after all.

We then see him taking out the bad guys, tipping off the cops to what he’s doing. The main detective is played by Guy Pearce. Neeson’s assassin states that he can’t keep doing his job for him, that these traffickers have to pay for what they do to children. We learn that Neeson’s assassin has some memory issues and can’t always remember where he was the night before. Maybe he’s not who he thinks he is. The trailer promises a competent action thriller from the director of the James Bond films Goldeneye and Casino Royale. Okay. I’m sold.

And then I watch the actual movie and am sorely disappointed. For starters, Neeson feels more like a supporting character than the lead. I guess that honor goes to Guy Pearce who’s looking a bit beaten down by life if I have to be honest. Maybe they dressed him down for the role of Vincent Serra, head of an investigation into child sex trafficking in El Paso. We see him trying to catch a guy pimping out his own underage daughter, but ends up killing the father in a tussle. Vincent asks the girl to give testimony against the cartels. Otherwise, she’ll be kicked back to Mexico. Her situation makes me depressed.

Then we have Alex Lewis (Liam Neeson), a contract killer in the beginning stages of Alzheimer’s. Alex visits his brother in a senior center and his brother stares at him with vacant eyes, a grim reminder of Alex’s own fate. By the end of the movie, Alex is just a befuddled old man, barely able to string a sentence together as he bleeds from his wounds. This isn’t what I want to see. Where is Neeson kicking ass? A couple months ago I was watching Neeson throw a guy from a moving train into the path of an oncoming moving train. 

It seems this movie is a remake of the Belgian movie, The Alzheimer Case. Apparently, that movie holds an 84% approval rating on Rotten Tomatoes while this one remains at 28%. Maybe I should check out the original.

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Photo by Leslie Salas

Jeff Shuster (episode 47, episode 102, episode 124, episode 131, episode 284, episode 441, episode 442, episode 443, episode 444, episode 450, episode 477, episode 491, episode 492, episode 493, episode 495, episode 496, episode 545, episode 546, episode 547, episode 548, and episode 549) is an MFA graduate from the University of Central Florida.

Episode 549: TDO Loves The Curator of Schlock #14

31 Monday Oct 2022

Posted by thedrunkenodyssey in Episode, Film, satire

≈ Leave a comment

Episode 548 of The Drunken Odyssey, your favorite podcast about creative writing and literature is available on Apple podcasts, stitcher, spotify, or click here to stream (right click to download, if that’s your thing).

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On this week’s show, Jeff Shuster and I discuss a wild, strange, deadpan, homicidal roadtrip story that is The Doom Generation.

Photo by Leslie Salas.

TEXTS DISCUSSED

Roger Ebert’s review of The Doom Generation is here.

NOTES

Scribophile, the online writing group for serious writers


TDO listeners can get 20% of a premium subscription to Scribophile. After using the above link to register for a basic account, go here while still logged in to upgrade the account with the discount.


If you are an amazon customer, one way to support this show is to begin shopping with this affiliate link, so that the podcast is granted a small commission on anything you purchase at no additional cost to yourself.

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Episode 548 of The Drunken Odyssey, your favorite podcast about creative writing and literature is available on Apple podcasts, stitcher, spotify, or click here to stream (right click to download, if that’s your thing).

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