The Curator of Schlock #254 by Jeff Shuster

The Sweetest Christmas

Run, run, run as fast as you can.

We’re on week 4 of our Hallmark Christmas extravaganza, a celebration of what one can do with G-rated made-for-TV movies financed by a company that makes its bread and butter off of Christmas Tree ornaments. We will not get an appearance by Santa Claus in this motion picture, in-person or disguised as elementary school janitor. There will be no princes ready to whisk away Lacey Chabert to far off countries that don’t exist in the real world. At least Lacey Chabert plays an aspiring confectionary chef rather than an aspiring fashion designer this time. The name of tonight’s movie is, naturally, The Sweetest Christmas.

fIt’s about a young woman named Kylie Watson (Lacey Chabert) who went to a fancy culinary school and loaded herself up with student loan debt. She moved back to her old hometown to live with her sister and two adorable nieces. Kylie dreams of owning a pastry shop someday. Poor Kylie can’t even get a job as a chef at one of the seven restaurants in her boutique little town. She has to work as a secretary at her boyfriend’s real estate company, Hockey Homes. It sounded like Hockey Holmes. Maybe they spell it Hockee. I could turn on the captions, but maybe you don’t really care.  I think you don’t really care.

Kylie ends up breaking up with her boyfriend, Alex (Lane Edwards), after he treats her to a romantic dinner that ends with him asking her to be his office manager rather than become his wife. Things begin looking up for Kylie when she receives a letter that she’s a semi-finalist in a National Gingerbread Baking Contest. Oh boy! Will Kylie be able to pull it off and win the $25,000 grand prize? Will she rekindle the love of an old high school boyfriend who runs the local pizzeria? I don’t want to spoil the movie for you, but it wouldn’t a hallmark movie if everything didn’t turn out just peachy. A Merry Christmas to you and yours from Orlando’s Museum of Schlock. See you next week.

I’m under word count, which means I may not get my Christmas bonus from my editor, John King. How did this happen? Maybe because I’ve got nothing left to say. I mean it’s fine if you like Hallmark movies. Just because they recycle the same plot over and over again. Just because we have the same turgid romance with the Ken Doll of week. Hey, you do you.

But if I may, I’d like to pitch my own Hallmark Christmas movie ideas to the bright bulbs over at the Hallmark Channel.

Rather than having Lacey Chabert playing an aspiring gingerbread chef, why not have her just be an office secretary who had a traumatic experience when she was a child. Maybe a psychopath dressed up as a gingerbread man brutally murdered her parents right in front of her when she was four years-old. Maybe she’s repressed the memory until her boss demands she wear the gingerbread man costume at their annual office Christmas party. Shenanigans ensue.

Think it over. Have your people call my people. We’ll do lunch.

Jeffrey Shuster (episode 47, episode 102, episode 124, episode 131, and episode 284) is an MFA graduate from the University of Central Florida.

The Curator of Schlock #253 by Jeff Shuster

Hallmark’s A Royal Christmas 

One of these things is just like the other.

Earlier this year, I partook in the pop cultural sensation known as Crazy Rich Asians from director Jon M. Chu, a story about a commoner from the United States who falls in love with a supremely handsome and charming young man from another country who turns out to be a veritable prince and heir to a vast family fortune. I recently watched 2014’s A Royal Christmas from director Alex Zamm, a story about a commoner from the United States who falls in love with a supremely handsome and charming young man from another country who turns out to be a literal prince and heir to a vast family fortune. Yes, these two movies have the same plot, but one is about Christmas so that’s what we’re covering this week.

This is the second Lacey Chabert Christmas movie I’ve seen where Folger’s coffee could be prominently seen. I don’t want accuse the greeting card company that produced this of shameless product placement, but the first time we see the romantic lead, he’s holding a rather large Wal~Mart bag. Lacey Chabert plays Emily Taylor, the daughter of the town tailor who has dreams of becoming a fashion designer one day. I’m just going to point out that this is the second Hallmark Christmas movie where Lacey Chabert plays a struggling fashion designer.

Emily is seeing the dreamy Leo James (Stephen Hagan), a man who likes to eat pancakes and BLTs, but Mr. Leo James has a secret he’s been keeping from Emily. Mr. Leo James is actually Prince Leopold of Cordinia.

Now many of you may wonder why you’ve never heard of a country named Cordinia. I can answer that for you. Cordinia doesn’t exist. They made up a fake European country for the purposes of the plot. There’s nothing wrong with that. Granted, Crazy Rich Asians treated its audience to the wonders of opulent Singapore, a real country, but we shouldn’t fret over little details like whether or not a country actually exists or not. Leo reveals that he’s a prince to Emily and invites her to spend the holidays with him back home.

It’s in Cordinia that Emily meets Queen Isadora, played by none other than Jane Seymour.

We remember Jane Seymour. She was in that one Battlestar Galactica movie, Battlestar Galactica: The Movie. She was a Bond girl in Live and Let Die. She was also on season four of Smallville, the one where Lana Lang was possessed by the ghost of a dead witch. Ugh. What were they thinking? Clark Kent fights space aliens not witch covens. That season would have been a complete waste if not for the introduction of Erica Durance as Lois Lane, the greatest of all Lois Lanes. I’m talking about Smallville again, aren’t I?

Naturally, Queen Isadora doesn’t approve of her son’s choice in girlfriends. If only Prince Leopold could find another royal to marry instead of tailor’s daughter. She taunts Emily by serving a Cordinian favorite dish of jellied eels, but Emily eats them right up. The palace servants like Emily because she’s a commoner just like them and even Queen Isadora will change her ways and learn the true spirit of Christmas and allow her son to marry Emily. Blah. Blah. Blah. I think Torso is streaming on prime. Smell you later!

Jeffrey Shuster (episode 47, episode 102, episode 124, episode 131, and episode 284) is an MFA graduate from the University of Central Florida.

The Curator of Schlock #252

A Wish for Christmas

Be my most tasty little dish!

Thus begins week 2 of our Hallmark Christmas Movie Yuletide Extravaganza. I love these movies. They’re like the cozy sweater vest of American cinema. If only they would have a marathon of them in an IMAX theater. I want that full immersion experience in 3D, 4K, and Smell-O-Vision. I want it all! But for now, I have to settle for a 1K, no 3D, and no smells.

Tonight’s Hallmark movie is 2016’s A Wish For Christmasfrom director Christie Will Wolf. This is not to be confused with Hallmark’s A Christmas Wish from 2011. Totally different movie. That one starred Kristy Swanson and was directed by Craig Clyde. We will not be getting to that one this year because we’re only covering the Hallmark Christmas movies featuring Lacey Chabert. That’s right. We’ve got two more weeks of Lacey Chabert so brace yourself.

In A Wish For Christmas, Lacey Chabert plays Sara Thomas, a web designer for an advertising firm out in Chicago, IL. Sara’s Achilles’ heel is that she is a bit on the wishy-washy side. By wishy-washy, I mean she lets everyone at the firm walk all over her. At the company Christmas party, her manager takes all the credit for her Christmas 365 ad campaign, a campaign centered on feeling the Christmas spirit everyday of the year. His name is Dirk, and he’s a bit of a jerk. The head of the company, Peter Williams (Paul Greene), is very impressed by Dirk’s idea which is too bad because Peter is very handsome and Sara has a bit of a crush on him. If only Peter knew it was Sara’s idea.

Sara decides to leave the party, but runs into a man dressed like Santa Claus in the lobby. He asks her what her Christmas wish would be. Sara says she wishes she had the courage to stand up for herself. Santa says he and the elves might have some difficulty with that. Wouldn’t she rather have a million dollars? Nope. Sara insists on getting courage for Christmas. Personally, I would have picked the million dollars. Then I could just hire some guys to beat up Dirk. Anyway, the wish works because Sara tells off Dirk in front of everyone at the party, saying how he stole her ideas. For shame!

Sara almost quits the firm altogether when dreamy Peter Williams gives her a promotion and wants her to travel with to Seattle to pitch her idea to some big wig named Wilson. Upon arriving in Seattle, they learn that Wilson cancelled their meeting because he decided to go with another firm’s ad campaign. Sara is having none of that, insisting that Wilson hear their pitch since they flew all that way. Wilson’s secretary manages to reschedule the pitch for the next morning, but Sara and Peter will have to journey to a small town in northern Washington to meet Wilson. In a bit of a twist, this small town just happens to be Peter’s hometown.

Let’s see. What else? Peter hates Christmas because he had a falling out with his dad one Christmas years ago when he decided not to follow in his dad’s footsteps and become a lawyer. Sara manages to use her newfound courage super power to coax Peter to visit his family, decorate some Christmas cookies, and patch things up with his dad. But will Sara’s newfound courage power get her to sell the Christmas 365 pitch to Wilson and save Peter’s company? Or will Sara find that she had the courage deep inside her all along? Is anyone still reading this?

Pray for me.

Jeffrey Shuster (episode 47, episode 102, episode 124, episode 131, and episode 284) is an MFA graduate from the University of Central Florida.