The Perfect Life #29 by Dr. Perfect
Dearest Doctor Perfect,
Let me start by admitting my faults: I’m a kleptomaniac and I’m not ashamed. More like . . . inconvenienced. The holiday season is usually my busiest. I like to think of myself as the reverse Santa Clause. I make a ton of money by stealing packages off doorsteps and reselling the shit. But these new doorbells, man! Now everyone has a fucking camera on their porch. How am I supposed to make a living? How am I supposed to take my kids on our annual ski trip?
Happiest Holidays to you and yours,
You’ve reached an interesting dilemma. Cameras are on doorbells, traffic lights, street corners, store entrances, and even in dressing rooms. I regularly do a clean sweep when I get home, just to ensure the place isn’t bugged.
You picked an inopportune time to indulge in doorstep theft. Behind every doorbell camera is a wary shut-in who hasn’t left their home since the start of the pandemic. Most of them are armed, so choose your packages wisely. Of course, you could steal goods right off the shelf of any corner store in a crime-ridden American city, but where’s the fun in that?
You live for the hunt, and I admire such tenacity.
Perhaps your brazen kleptomania is rooted in a wanton embrace of consumerism.
You feel entitled to the gifts because they’re sitting outside in the open. You’re the kid who filched all the sweets from the foolhardy “take one” basket during Halloween. Blame society for producing so many marks.
Or maybe, like most of us, you’re desperately compensating for your own procrastination. That’s why you’re supposed to steal early. Cyber Monday usually offers the best time. Simply dress up as a Jehovah’s Witness, ring the camera bell, and gently abscond with the package. Remember that for next year.
You’ve got a lot to work out, my klepto friend. Take things in stride and look at your current circumstance as a warning. Ditch the doorstop thievery and move into racketeering or whatnot. Does anyone do that anymore? I guess I’m just old school.