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Tag Archives: Caroline Munro

The Curator of Schlock #91: The Devil Within Her

05 Friday Jun 2015

Posted by thedrunkenodyssey in The Curator of Schlock

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

Caroline Munro, Donald Pleasence, Joan Collins

The Curator of Schlock #91 by Jeff Shuster

The Devil Within Her, or 

The Movie Critic who Wants to Claw his Own Eyes Out within Me

DevilA1There’s a rumor going around that your Curator of Schlock went on a megalomaniacal rant after hearing that Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen would not be reprising their role of Michelle Tanner on Fuller House, the Netflix original sequel series to the classic ABC TGIF (Thank Goodness It’s Funny) situational comedy. Patrons of the Museum of Schlock may have heard me refer to the Olsen Twins along with an expression that ends with “and the horse they rode in on.” Now, I want to rest assure everyone that I’m fine with their decision not to reprise their role and wish them all of the happiness in the world.

Still, one has to wonder what kind of a world we’re living in where such a tragedy can happen. I’ve concluded that the devil is alive and well and spreading his influence over us. Thus, I’ve decided to cancel Halloween in June this year in order to educate my legion of readers on the Prince of Lies. That’s right, it’s Satan month.

We’re going to start out with 1975s The Devil Within Her from director Peter Sasdy. Now, there’s some confusion regarding the title. In the United Kingdom, this movie was called I Don’t Want to Be Born, because The Devil Within Her was the British title for Beyond the Door which I covered on this blog before.

DevilA4

Incidentally, Beyond the Door II was actually a re-release of Mario Bava’s Shock. Beyond the Door III was also known as Death Train in the United Kingdom which is also the title of a made-for-TV movie based on the Alistair MacLean novel of the same name starring Pierce Bosnan, Patrick Stewart, and Christopher Lee. Why have I not seen this movie!

Anyway, we’re here to talk about…what was the title again? It stars Joan Collins as a former strip–I mean exotic dancer named Lucy. While exotic dancing, she’d flirted with a dwarf named Hercules. A totally standard plot.

DevilA3

When he gets the brush off, he curses her, saying something about her getting pregnant with a baby that’s “that’s a monster” and “possessed by the devil himself.” She then sleeps with the exotic dancer manager, gets pregnant, marries some wealthy Italian guy named Gino, and moves to Kensington which I guess is in England. She has a hard time giving birth to the baby. Donald Pleasance plays her doctor (obviously) and makes a remark about how the baby doesn’t want to be born.

DevilA2

After the baby is born, he punches Joan Collins and bites the finger of the housemaid and I think he tries drowning the nanny’s head in the toilet. I may have blacked out a moment.

Suffice to say he’s a monster possessed by the devil himself. I don’t know what theology this movie is operating from. Gino’s sister is a Catholic nun so I guess this gives the film legitimacy. I just don’t understand how the dwarf was able to possess the baby. Was Hercules possessed by Satan first and then he faxed over another copy of his demonic spirit into the body of the baby? Was Hercules just another guy who cried himself to sleep after Joan Collins rejected him, and did he have no idea that the curse would actually work? I’ll let you, my readers, ponder these questions.

Five Things I Learned from The Devil Within Her

  1. Some babies don’t want to be born, and will get revenge for being born. Don’t ask me why? The movie told me so.
  2. If you want to make an old British woman scream, stick a dead rat in her cup of tea. Works every time.
  3. Long meandering conversations between Donald Pleasance and an Italian nun are a “hat grabber” if I’ve ever witnessed one.
  4. If your husband goes missing, it probably means your infant son strung him up before disposing of his body in the sewer.
  5. Netflix doesn’t have a zero stars setting, but it needs one.

_______

Jeffrey Shuster 3

Jeffrey Shuster (episode 47, episode 102, episode 124, and episode 131) is an MFA candidate at the University of Central Florida.

The Curator of Schlock #27: Starcrash

07 Friday Feb 2014

Posted by thedrunkenodyssey in Film, The Curator of Schlock

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

Caroline Munro, Christopher Plummer, David Hasselhoff, Jeffrey Shuster, Joe Spinnel, Starcrash, The Curator of Schlock

The Curator of Schlock #27 by Jeffrey Shuster

Starcrash (Effects Matter!)

starcrash poster

It’s Space Opera month here at The Museum of Schlock, and by Space Opera I mean Star Wars rip-offs from the 70s and 80s. Still, a movie half as good of Star Wars is still good, right? Exhibit A is 1978’s Starcrash starring Caroline Munro, David Hasselhoff, Christopher Plummer, and Joe Spinnel.

untitled 3

Caroline Munro stars as sexy intergalactic smuggler Stella Starr. She is joined by her navigator Akton, a mysterious man who can absorb lasers and wield a light saber. He may be a time traveller, but that’s never made clear. That just makes Akton more mysterious. Still, sexy and mysterious space smugglers are no match for the law. They get captured by a couple of local cops, some blue, bald dude named Thor and Elle, a tough robot who speaks like a good ol’ boy. If you think we’re in store for an intergalactic Smokey and the Bandit, you’re wrong.

untitled 2

There’s an evil count who wants to rule the universe and his name Zarth Arn (Joe Spinell).

untitled 4

Actually, his name sounds more like Zar Zan in the movie so I’ll continue to call him Zar Zan. Anyway, Count Zar Zan is the leader of the League of Dark Worlds. You can tell he’s evil because he keeps saying things like “You must not fail me!” and “Kill them!” Count Zar Zan has hidden a weapon so vast that it would take an entire planet to conceal it. The Emperor of the First Circle of the Universe (Christopher Plummer) is threatened by Count Zar Zan’s massive weapon and decides to send out a search party to go find it. The Emperor of the First Circle of the Universe sets Stella Starr and Akton free. With the good ol’ boy robot and the bald, blue dude, they’re off to the Haunted Stars in search of the weapon planet.

They travel to a planet of Amazon women whose queen can control giant statues that throw swords at people. Still, they find no massive weapon. They travel to another planet that’s an ice planet, and it’s on this planet that we learn that blue bald cop has been working for Count Zar Zan all along. Akton takes care of business and beats the tar out of the blue bald dude. The final planet they go to is a planet inhabited by troglodytes and they smash the robot cop to pieces leaving Stella Starr to be sacrificed or barbequed or something. The troglodytes get zapped by some dude wearing a gold mask that shoots lasers from his eyes. When the mask comes off, it’s none other than David Hasselhoff. Now that’s great cinema.

untitled

Akton meets up with them and reveals that the planet they’re on is Count Zar Zan’s secret weapon planet. But the revelation may have come to late. Count Zar Zan shows up with his robot golems to destroy our fearless heroes. Will Stella Starr, Akton, and David Hasselhoff save the universe from the Count Zar Zan and the league of Dark Worlds? Who cares? It’s Starcrash and the special effects suck!

Top Ten Worst Effects in Starcrash

  1. Those awful static, star backgrounds that have no depth and contain stars that are pink, blue, and yellow. Did someone in the effects department buy the wrong Christmas lights?
  2. The stop-motion rejects. Greek statues coming to life with herky-jerky momentum should be a plus, but they look like leftovers from another movie.
  3. Double goes for the golems. They’d feel more at home in a Rankin Bass production.
  4. That stupid glass shuttle they buzz around in. It looks like a floating ski lift.
  5. Models that glide along in straight paths as if they were on fishing wire.
  6. Joe Spinnel’s lip syncing.
  7. Hyperspace that looks like pink clouds sped up.
  8. Melted lava lamp wax posing as interstellar demons.
  9. Big brain alien with human face stuck in fish tank. The tentacles were disconcerting.
  10. The Christopher Plummer muppet…Oh wait! That’s just Christopher Plummer.

___________

Jeffrey Shuster 4

Jeffrey Shuster (episode 47) is an MFA candidate and instructor at the University of Central Florida.

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