I recently read a book, The Truth that Can’t be Covered Up with Toothpaste, which says that toothpaste is evil, because when you use it, goblins emerge from your mouth when you sleep at night. Is there any validation for this theory?”

Signed,

Frightened Little Monster 

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Dear Frightened,

There’s some truth to every theory, even the supernatural ones. We’re told goblins reside under bridges and in sewers and subway tunnels. In most cultures, they rank somewhere between trolls and hobgoblins, never quite topping the list. 

Goblins often appear in fantasy novels, movies, comic books, and role-playing games. They can also be found hiding under children’s beds or attending the World Economic Forum. And who can forget the progressive rock band of the same name? Those musicians are actually goblins, dear Frightened.

It’s no surprise goblin folklore would lend itself to toothpaste and superstitions associated therein. The most common fear involves them popping out of the toilet. You’re right to be concerned, but we must first explore the past. 

Coincidentally, I just checked out a book on the history of toothpaste from the library. The giant mouth on the cover was too hard to resist. I made it halfway through but had to return it before the due date. 

Three weeks was not enough time to slog through a 700-page book about oral hygiene, and I much prefer steamy romance novels. Porn. whatever.

We’ve come a long way since using twigs and weird powders for dental care. Without toothpaste we’d be toothless and haggard like some 18th century pirate. You’ve seen the Johnny Depp movies, now imagine it for real. 

By the 19th century, someone finally mixed hydrogen peroxide and baking soda together into a fine paste for brushing. That miraculous concoction later evolved into the modern pastes and gels of today. 

I brush and floss three times a day, sometimes four. I use a supercharged electric toothbrush, tongue scraper, and industrial strength water flosser. I also regularly apply whitening strips for a healthy glow. I had one cavity five years ago, and its discovery reduced me to tears.

I’d gladly accept the risks of mouth-emerging goblins then suffer plaque buildup, tooth decay, or gingivitis. It’s an even trade. However, I won’t sleep as well knowing what I know now. The goblins are among us, waiting for the right moment to crawl from our mouths. 

I do have questions. Are you sure they’re not trying to crawl into our mouths? How do they get inside our mouths to begin with? Are they shrunk to the size of particles inside the toothpaste? And what do they do once they emerge? Is it of a sexual nature? Please be descriptive. 

There must be some truth to your theory. Otherwise, why would someone write a book about it? No one is going to write and publish an entire book of falsehoods. The public I know wouldn’t stand for it. Where are the fact checkers? They’re probably slacking as usual. 

I will not live my life in fear of goblins. For the record, I close my toilet lid not out of fear one protruding from the bowl but because it’s the civilized thing to do. 

During the “Red Scare” in the 1950s, conspiracy theorists lamented fluoride in the drinking water as a communist plot. And while they were half right, fluoride was proven to be naturally present in groundwater anyway. 

The communists were trying to put arsenic in the water, and they succeeded in Flint, Michigan, of all places, some years later. 

Toothpaste is far from evil. Like toilet paper and hot pants, it’s a miracle of modern ingenuity. But it would be typical for goblins to infiltrate something we use daily and hijack it for their own nefarious purposes. 

My advice is to sleep with one eye open or install a security camera in the bedroom. I eagerly await the results. At the very least, your personal trauma could make a great movie!

_______

Dr. Perfect has slung advice across the globe for the last two decades due to his dedication to the uplift of the human condition.