Dear Dr. Perfect,

I’ve suffered from insomnia for the past two months. 

I’m going crazy.

I’ve tried everything! Melatonin gummies, long runs for exercise, and working myself to exhaustion. 

Nothing. 

On most days I get about 1-2 hours of sleep. 

Any ideas?

Sincerely,
Anguished Insomniac

---

Dear Insomniac,

Have you tried reading War and Peace? Anything by Tolstoy would do. Oliver Twist is another snoozer. Maybe something more contemporary like that Da Vinci Code series or one of those excruciating political biographies, such as Winston Churchill: The Fat Drunk Years. Though don’t fall asleep beneath its 4,000 pages.

Purchase some new pillows, nice ones that spruce up the place. Take a deep breath, down two shots of whiskey, turn on CNBC, and call it a night. 

If that doesn’t work, I know a guy who’ll knock you out in one punch for $20. He once worked as Mr. T’s stunt double in the 1983 film D.C. Cab. He’s spry for a septuagenarian on steroids.

I like to place lighted candles around and play some Leonard Cohen. Until you’ve tried that, you don’t know what you’re missing.

Our beds are the best place imaginable. How tortuous to find little solace in them. I used to lie awake and wonder how much more perfect I could be. This riddle within a riddle was responsible for many sleepless nights, but then my best thinking happens at night.

For example, I’ll have an idea for the right drapes for my lounge. Inspiration seizes me. That’s why I keep a notepad and pen on my nightstand. Other times, I’ll jot down portions of my monologue for my one-man show at the largest of the black box theaters in the secret headquarters of the Drunken Odyssey. Check out Love Me Not. It’s got rave blurbs from the underground theater press.

My editor who runs The Drunken Odyssey has threatened me if we don’t recoup the production cost, which is high somehow despite being staged in a black box theater. Please come. Buy tickets at                                      .

The stress is frankly keeping me up at night.

I suspect you are exhibiting signs of restless mind syndrome. That, or an inherent fear of sleep. The path to recovery begins with acceptance. Start accepting things as they are.

There’s hope for you yet, anguished insomniac. You can and will fall asleeeeeeeeee— 

---

Dr. Perfect has slung advice across the globe for the last two decades due to his dedication to the uplift of the human condition.