Dear Dr. Perfect,

The new Fortnite season is coming soon, but my dad won’t buy me V-bucks! Since I’m going into high school this year, he thinks that I should get a job instead of relying on him for stuff like this. I don’t want a job, I just want to play Fortnite. It’s only like 10 bucks anyway. What’s the big deal? How can I convince him to lend me the money?

Annoyed,

Fortnite Freshman

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Dear Freshman,

I know what you mean. The things I did to score quarters for the local arcade were grueling.

Mowing lawns, cleaning old ladies’ homes, and doing house chores never seemed enough. And these games were designed to devour your money. We called them quarter munchers.

My parents were never sympathetic. Instead of playing Pac-Man or Donkey Kong, they insisted I study and work hard. Well, look at me now, I’m a syndicated columnist!

Your father is trying to teach you similar lessons. No respectable parent wants to be a cash machine or a pushover. Fortnite, I’m told, is an immersive and addictive platformer.

You could try the, at least I’m not breaking into cars retort. I played that card plenty of times, but it’s not all that effective.

Channel your energy into a GoFundMe page or similar crowdfunding expedition. People respect honesty.

Still, the best way to make easy money is to run for political office. You show up in a cheap suit and leave office a multi-millionaire. That is if you ever leave. Amazing how that works.

Have you ever tried blackmail or extortion?

Enjoy Fortnite while you still can. The older you get, the less time you’ll have for the finer things in life, like video games. You may feel like no one understands you or the burden you carry as someone who’s figured it all out. All these things will pass once your first novel fades into obscurity two weeks after publication. In my defense, I used a pseudonym.

I miss playing Pac-Man, but I don’t think they even make quarters anymore, do they?

Dr. Perfect has slung advice across the globe for the last two decades due to his dedication to the uplift of the human condition.