Dear Dr. Perfect, 

I think my guy friend is crushing on me. I’m totally not into him, but he seems to think the opposite. I just want him off my case without ruining the friendship, but I’m running out of excuses for why we can never hang one-on-one anymore. I hoped that he would take the hint, but clearly the romantic portion of his lizard brain isn’t taking hints. How can I escape his unwanted ardor while keeping our friendship intact?

Inquisitively,

Friend Without Benefits

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Dear FWB,

Some people don’t get the hint. Take your lizard-brained friend, for instance. He might take the lack of reciprocation as playing hard to get.

An outright rejection could mean that he’s not trying hard enough. The pursuer sees a worthy challenge at the cost of their dignity. When you like someone, your mind turns into mush. Ah, love!

Maintaining such a friendship is a near scientific impossibility. You aren’t leading him on, so you have nothing to answer for. Date someone else as soon as you can, or just make someone up. Call it a reverse catfish.

The 1989 film When Harry Met Sally suggests that Harry (Billy Crystal) could get a woman like Sally (Meg Ryan), despite Harry being a complete and utter douchebag. I don’t care if the movie was written by Nora Ephron, it’s bunk! Meg Ryan is completely out of his league. (Meg, please write me back!)

I recall my teenage years as a hopeless romantic thanks in part to the deluge of ’80s synth-pop I’d- die-for-you” motifs. Sopping garbage!

Of course, your friend might be mature enough to accept and respect your feelings. He should be. But don’t expect the friendship to remain as it was. Trust your instincts and search for the most practical way forward. Faking your own death comes to mind, which I’ve pulled off for several lifetimes now.

He’ll likely lose interest over time as years of sensory overload, rampant social media, and endless streaming options have stunted our ability to focus on one thing at a given time. Use this crippling degeneration to your advantage or give the creep a chance. (Write me back, Meg!)

Dr. Perfect has slung advice across the globe for the last two decades due to his dedication to the uplift of the human condition.