Dear Dr. Perfect,

I just started my ENC 1102 class, and our first assignment was to write a review for a movie of our choosing. A class friend had asked to see my essay so they could figure out how to format theirs and I happily obliged. Come to find out, they took my work and submitted it first! If I tell my professor, my friend will implicate me for sharing my work in the first place, but I don’t want them to get away with this plagiarism either. What do I do?

Sincerely,

Gullible Undergrad

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Dear Undergrad,

You’ve faced the sting of betrayal, the shock of opportunism, and the lancing of naivety. If I’ve told one college student, I’ve told them all, don’t trust anyone.

It’s best to go on a lengthy bender and let everything sort itself out.

Or you might actually have to do some work here. Think a few steps ahead of your opponent before delivering the onslaught of ten thousand Mongolian warriors in Genghis Khan’s army. Stick with me here.

Bide your time until the next assignment, when the classmate approaches you again for assistance. Lead them underground, with plenty of wine on hand, and wall them up to languish indefinitely in the catacombs. 

This may sound eerily like Edgar Allan Poe’s Cask of the Amontillado. We’re all bound to find a connection to Poe in any underhanded scheme. That’s not plagiarism, Undergrad.

The lesser non-murderous route would be to provide your classmate with a purposely plagiarized work . For film assignments, I’d suggest anything from Roger Ebert or that mustachioed prince of persuasion, Gene Shalit.

If neither of these options works, confront your academic saboteur and demand pistols at dawn. I don’t understand why dueling went out of fashion. Then again, I only listen to music on 7-inch vinyl through my vintage Victrola.

Extortion can also be a lot of fun if the odds are in your favor. This is how the real-world works. Some things can’t be learned in any classroom.

Keep studying, and best of luck on your journey ahead.

Dr. Perfect has slung advice across the globe for the last two decades due to his dedication to the uplift of the human condition.