Dear Dr. Perfect,

My car finally kicked the bucket. Now is my chance to use the scrap metal money to buy my very own motorcycle. I’ve been wanting to do this for a long time, but my girlfriend is insistent that I buy a “real vehicle” instead. How can I convince her that this is a good idea?

With gratitude,

Biker, Not Cyclist

Dear Potential Biker, 

A motorcycle is an ingenious idea for some much-needed thrills. Only the coolest people ride them, like Marlon Brando in The Wild One or whoever the Wild Hogs were in Wild Hogs.

So rebellious! Maybe it’s the open air, intense propulsion, gusty winds, vibrating chassis, or the deep satisfaction of irritating everyone else on the road.

In the late 19th century, “motorbikes,” as they were called, could barely get you from the penny store to the burlesque house without at least eight quarts of petroleum and a stick of dynamite.

Motorcycles are now more practical than ever. They’re cheaper than cars and use less gas. No longer must you contend with the shelter, comfort, or privacy of a car.

You can weave through traffic lanes. You’ll never have to help a friend or family member move.

You don’t even have to give someone a ride. If asked, you ask in return, “Do you have a helmet?”

And if they say something like, “Of course, I don’t have a motorcycle helmet, dumbass. You think I carry one around with me?” That’s when you peel out and leave them behind in a trail of dust.

Such peace.

Is your girlfriend such a person to leave behind? Is she a “real girlfriend”?

Think about it. Let her think about it too.

Maybe start things off with a moped.

Dr. Perfect has slung advice across the globe for the last two decades due to his dedication to the uplift of the human condition.