Dear Dr. Perfect,

Inflation has hit hard lately. I’m a fresh graduate with an entry level job. I save where I can, like having roommates and not buying much for myself, but money drains out of my bank account like water down a drainpipe.

What can I do to save more?

Sincerely,

City Dweller

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Dear Dweller, 

Hey, we’re all struggling. What do you want from me?

Apologies, I had too many brandies tonight after going through my latest stock portfolio.

I invested in this company, Depression, Inc. (since so many people complain about everything all the time). I thought, how can I go wrong with this financial venture? 

Lesson learned. Don’t invest in a company run by manic depressives.

Half of them don’t even show up for work in the morning.

Check out a little pamphlet called Personal Finance for Really Stupid Dummies. It’s of a “tough love” approach relegated to the most remedial lessons for the economically illiterate.

Here, they establish such pearls of wisdom as:

• Money doesn’t grow on trees
• Spent cash doesn’t automatically replenish itself
• The Government can print money, you can’t
• Interest rates apparently exist
• The value of a personal check is only as good as what’s in your bank account,
• black market organ donations aren’t as lucrative as you may have been led to believe

Some people reject the confines of modern society, due in part to inflation. Such journeys of self-discovery didn’t work out too well in Grizzly Man and Into the Wild, but you have to admire their dedication.

I’ve thought often about living in the forest, scouring for berries, but I’d miss the latest episode of Survivor, the long-running reality TV show I’ve loyally watched for 20+ years. And what would become of my two Persian Cats, Leviticus and Caesar?

Onto inflation. The U.S. saw similar economic decline during the “great malaise” of the 1970s, but we had Sanford and Son to cheer us up. Nowadays, we don’t have squat.

Have you considered not eating?

Wait, did you know if no one is looking you can probably filch free crackers from WAWA, from their condiments bin?

The Romans haphazardly squandered their wealth on lavish statues and gladiator bets. The Great Depression of the 1920s followed years of frivolous flapper parties and expensive radio plays. In the end, they screwed it all up. So did we.

As a recent graduate working an entry-level job, you must live within your means, just like Elon Musk says.

Stay off Amazon.

Stay off the internet.

Stay off the grid.

For further pointers, watch Survivor. I’ve considered being a contestant, but I’m far too perfect to be on that show, don’t you think?

My cats think so.

Imagine a world with giant mutant arachnids feasting on human flesh. That always cheers me up. That and brandy.

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Dr. Perfect has slung advice across the globe for the last two decades due to his dedication to the uplift of the human condition.