Dear Dr. Perfect,

A local funeral home recently ran a promotion in which one could pay for one’s cremation for only $2,000, which I eagerly paid. However, when I showed up for my cremation, those swindlers refused me service.

The agent at the Better Business Bureau refused to help me. 

Why won’t anyone help me?

Signed,

Hot for the Cremation

_____________________

Dear H4C,

You learned a valuable lesson. We often don’t get what we pay for.

If I had a penny for every time I was promised the world by some detective agency, I’d have at least five bucks.

(Side note: they don’t like being called private dicks.)

I was certain my neighbor was digging through my trash at night. Turns out it was raccoons. This striking development cost me $800 plus expenses. I didn’t recall signing off on those expenses. I asked for itemized receipts. That son of a bitch purchased a $20 country-fried steak at Perkins. Raccoons don’t eat at Perkins, you private dick.

Leave it up to suits at Big Funeral to leave you holding the urn. You’re better off immolating yourself for free.

Take a deep breath, go for a walk, and tell yourself that today is the day that you won’t burn yourself alive. Go one step at a time. In the meantime, think of less horrifying exercises, like going to the movies.

Have you seen the new Nosferatu?

It sucks.

I’ve been awaiting that pun for weeks now!

Take care and get some help. I’ll take you on a tour of all the funeral homes in my area just to show you how expensive it is to die. We can crash a lot of funerals. You’ll be back with us living folk in no time.

Dr. Perfect has slung advice across the globe for the last two decades due to his dedication to the uplift of the human condition.