Dear Dr. Perfect, 

I recently moved to a new apartment. Several of my friends helped me lug my stuff across town. Afterwards, I sent them thank you notes, as I am a believer in the small gesture of gratitude, a hand-written note, which feels so much more satisfying than verbal thanks.

One of my friends, let’s call him Larry, then sent me a thank you note for sending him a thank you note. So, I sent him two thank you notes in reply to his note thanking me for the first thank you note I sent him.

This motherfucker is never going to stop, though. How can I stop this outrage he’s perpetrating? 

With gratitude,

Exhausted with friendship.

———————————-

Dear Exhausted,

Such a seemingly diabolical move on Larry’s part leads to much speculation. He could be testing you, suggesting your initial thank you was inadequate. The clever bastard. 

You’ve got to break the chain. A simple phone call should end the entire charade. “I just want to say thank you very much, and that’s final.” Click. The rudeness of even calling this person will make them regret thanking you for thanking them.

Responding to him with another note would be the height of lunacy, and stamps aren’t cheap. Might I suggest flowers?

People are terrible, Exhausted. For example, I’m annoyed by the lack of social media engagement for promoting my latest political erotic thriller, Pentagon Secretary. Even a perfect life has its unexpected downsides.

In a rage, I admonished my followers in no uncertain terms: “Don’t mind me trying to promote this incredible new book, you assholes!”

I forewent all pleasantries and spoke my mind. I then drank brandy and let things sort themselves out. My ill-conceived rant gained a traction, and by the next morning, my book was the talk of the town (e.g., Internet trolls, housewives, Boy Scouts.) 

I once thanked an IRS agent after my fourth audit. Nowadays, my thanks are to be earned, and that’s that. No more frivolous thanks for anything, period. 

Of course, thanks are in order for my dear readers. Pre-order my new book today.

And fuck Larry.

Dr. Perfect has slung advice across the globe for the last two decades due to his dedication to the uplift of the human condition.