Dear Dr. Perfect,

My fiancé asked me when we were going to finally get married. When I told her that I didn’t believe in marriage, what’s-her-name berated me for proposing to her, which I never did. Her accusation forced me to berate her for accepting marriage proposals from strange men.

She demanded we go to couple’s counseling. I demanded we go to only a counselor strictly devoted to Jungianism. When she found one, I then told her I didn’t believe in couple’s counseling.

How can I possibly practice ethical non-monogamy with someone who so continuously gaslights me? 

Signed,

Someone Hopeful in Trying

Dear Hopeful,

As someone who has had his share of subsequently annulled Vegas marriages, I can tell you that a good, strong relationship requires little more than a simple handshake between interested parties. Ask her if she wants to shake on it.

The biggest underlying issue here involves the expectations of your fiancé. Is she prone to accepting marriage proposals from strange men or just tired of waiting? Jungian analysis might not be her biggest priority now. Then again, it could not hurt. Can you hire a semantics professor to perform an intervention, perhaps?

If you feel like you’re being manipulated into commitment, try countering her with the gassiest gaslighting possible within the depths of your twisted mind. Something like, “I wanted to get married last week, but you said X, Y, and Z,” or “Waiting is the right thing to do.” For the full coup de grâce, try, “It’s not about what I want. I’m doing this for you.” 

Do keep this in mind, though. Women often have an innate ability to suss out nonsense and leave you drooling in a puddle of tears with your pants around your ankles. Tread lightly, would be my advice. Couple’s counseling isn’t the end of the world. Take separate cars and arrive early to get the counselor on your side in advance.

A friend of mine dreaded matrimony so much that he strung along his fiancé for five years, going as far as faking a leg injury. “I can’t very well walk down the aisle with this bad leg!” he exclaimed. He even forged a doctor’s note. 

When they finally got married, he was never happier. They were the perfect couple whose divorce some years later was admirably amicable. 

Now that’s love.

Dr. Perfect has slung advice across the globe for the last two decades due to his dedication to the uplift of the human condition.