The Curator of Schlock #249 by Jeff Shuster
Holiday Movie Preview 2018
I’ve got nothing.
I was going to cover 2018’s Skyscraper from director Rawson Marshall Thurber. It stars Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson and Neve Campbell. There are evil terrorists trying to burn down the world’s tallest building located in Hong Kong. The Rock’s character has a prosthetic leg and manages to scale the building with it. I mean the movie’s okay, kind of a cross between Die Hard and The Towering Inferno. But I’m not in the mood for rambling on about movies that are just okay. Time for a holiday movie preview. Let’s see if anything interesting is coming out in the next few weeks in the absence of Star Wars.
Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindelwald
This is the second in that Harry Potter prequel series that’s being made because millennials can’t let Harry Potter go. I think I saw the first one. I think it featured a baker trying to get a bank loan so he could open up the first Cinnabon. I guess if you liked the first one?
I saw the trailer for this, a movie about widows seeking revenge or becoming gangsters or seeking revenge while becoming gangsters. The script is co-written by Gillian Flynn, author of Gone Girl and Sharp Objects. Gone Girl is still giving me nightmares.
Adonis Creed is back along with Rocky Balboa to face his greatest challenge yet, the son of Ivan Drago. Noooooooooooo! Just seeing Dolf Lundgren reprising his role as one of the greatest villains of 1980’s cinema is enough to goad me into the theater. Okay. This one’s a keeper.
Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse
This animated spectacle showcases different Spider-Men and Spider-Women from various alternate Earths. There’s even an anthropomorphic pig called Spider-Ham. We’re on board with the Spider-Ham so count us in for this one.
Looks like this one takes place in a post-apocalyptic setting where the city of London is affixed atop a gigantic tank and roams around the countryside destroying smaller, weaker cities. I guess Hugo Weaving plays the evil Mayor of London who wants to destroy all of the other weaker cities on wheels. There’s a young heroine and a young hero. Stuff blows up. Looks interesting. They’re billing this as a Peter Jackson movie, but he isn’t directing. Strange.
Mary Poppins Returns
I wanna see it! We’ve got Emily Blunt playing Mary Poppins for this long-awaited sequel. They even managed to get Dick Van Dyke to come back. I didn’t even know he was still alive. Of course, I didn’t realize Peter Cushing was alive until I saw Rogue One. When are we getting another Frankenstein picture, guys?
Remember that he doesn’t talk to fish. Aquaman talks to the water. This latest DC super hero extravaganza features Jason Momoa as the titular Aquaman, protector of the oceans and of sea life…I think. I’m not all that familiar with Aquaman. This is a bad time to be a DC fan. I just want a decent Superman movie. Why is this so hard? I don’t want to see Batman and Superman trying to kill each other. They’re supposed to be super friends!
So there you have it. Creed 2and Mary Poppins Returns seem to be the clear winners. And that ain’t bad. Have a Happy Thanksgiving! I’ll be back on Black Friday with the usual cannibalism flick.
Jeffrey Shuster (episode 47, episode 102, episode 124, episode 131, and episode 284) is an MFA graduate from the University of Central Florida.
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