The Perfect Life #10
Dear Dr. Perfect,
I love my fiancée, but I am beginning to be alarmed by our love life. He is sensitive and thoughtful, and even writes his own feminist blog. Plus, he loves to cuddle. But we make love only 2-3 times a month.
He claims he is too tired from his internship and that he has carpal tunnel from playing videogames (even though he doesn’t stop playing video games). On the rare occasion we do make love, he insists on playing the soundtrack to My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. He claims that the music and MLPFIM make him feel more spiritual, and that he wants lovemaking with me to be special. He wants to get MLPFIM matching tattoos for our wedding.
How can I discuss with him how much this behavior creeps me out without being insensitive to his needs?
The Woman Who Doesn’t Want to be a Unicorn
Dear Not a Unicorn,
I can’t tell you how many letters I get from dissatisfied couples about their love lives. You’d think I was Dr. Ruth. But no, I’m Dr. Perfect. I’ve evaluated your case, and I can definitely see why you’d want to reach out.
The engagement period is often the time for couples to work out the kinks before walking down the aisle. You want to make sure all the pistons are firing and that neither of you are psychotic mass murderers, My Little Pony notwithstanding. I could be blunt and say that such dwindling intimacy before marriage is a red flag and could lead to further problems down the road. Nonetheless, couples experience this all the time.
Sometimes partners really are too tired. Sometimes carpal tunnel can be an issue. And who among us hasn’t made love to MLPFIM? Well, I haven’t. I prefer the delicate sounds of Johann Sebastian Bach to accompany me in the bedroom, but that’s all I’m willing to disclose. What you’re experiencing is a tale as old as time. The lack of intimacy in any relationship could mean any of the following:
- Your partner is having an affair
- Your partner takes you for granted
- Your relationship is doomed
- Your partner might just be in a funk
- You’re going to have to spice things up
I’ll spare you F – L, which are pretty much just cooking recipes. The problem with relationships is that we’re not mind readers. We can’t tell sometimes what is going on with someone who gets carpal tunnel from video games. You have to be upfront and honest with him but not enough to make him cry. You describe your love making as “rare,” and that to me sounds like someone on the cusp of a tawdry affair as well. Perhaps we could exchange numbers. Only kidding. I am a professional advice columnist.
Here’s some things you should ask yourself. Does it really matter what music your weirdo fiancé plays? Perhaps you can suggest some of your own. If no children’s show themes come to mind, go for something else. For instance, one reader revealed his own penchant for Metallica’s “Enter Sandman” during the naked tango. Don’t give your fiancé all the power. Tell him that he needs to spend less time writing blogs, playing video games, and attending furry parties and more time fulfilling your needs.
If none of that works, I have some surefire ways to bring him around. Slip arsenic into his meals and render him entirely dependent as you nurse him back to health. I saw that in a movie once with Daniel Day Lewis, and I think everything turned out okay in the end. Troll his blog posts with negative comments, thus fracturing his fragile ego and sending him into your arms. Stage an elaborate kidnapping hoax of yourself and demand ransom. I saw that in a movie too, but it didn’t work out so well.
I’d like to offer more advice, but I’m too distracted by the mental image of matching MLPFIM tattoos.
Perhaps we could exchange numbers.