The Diaries of a Sozzled Scribbler #30

Transcribed by DMETRI KAKMI

4 May 2021

Good morning, Universal Truth Seekers. Welcome to Uncle Hohelhoffer’s Nudist Retreat in the beautiful Dandenong Ranges, a half hour’s death defying drive through Narre Warren South, ghastly one minute, hideous the next. It’s – 4 degrees on the mountain and your tender bits have crawled back where they came from but so what? You’re here to seek enlightenment. Not check out each others nether regions, right?

Let me hear you say YEAH!

Okay, well, if that’s the best you can do at four in the morning, I’ll get on with it, shall I?

On this glorious day I present before you as my universe-famous alter ego, the revered, most elevated guru Swami Saanp Ki Shashay-Shantey, and I come to you with no less than 175 past lives in tow, the last of which was lived as Pharaoh of Luxor—in beautiful downtown viva Las Vegas.

This, of course, means that I am about as enlightened as you can get. More so than that giggling halfwit the Dalai Lama. I’m so enlightened, in fact, that I am this close to giving God head.

So exulted am I, dear naked cultists, I have decided to give back instead of always taking. That’s why I declare today International Bleak Lives Matter Day.

You heard right. International Bleak Lives Matter.

Why should positivists hog the limelight?

I say it’s time to give negative thinking a go, instead of all that sickly skip-through-the-fields Pollyanna nonsense.

What’s that you say? Yes, you, with the overly manscaped genital region.

All lives matter you say?

Yes, well, my dear white privileged middle-aged man of limited and very prejudiced intelligence, all lives do indeed matter. But in this instance we are focussed on wretched lives.

I want to draw out the depressed, the joyless and cheerless from their dismal holes and tell them it’s okay to be downcast. It’s fine to be grim and portentous as a Cassandra on the walls of Troy. It’s totally acceptable to want to kill yourself and take out a dozen others who’ve never done you harm. After all, what have you got to live for? What have they got to live for?

Nothing, that’s what.

No need to be ashamed and hide all your negativity under a bushel. I give you permission to wallow in it, like a pig at a rimming festival.

It’s time to own your misery and celebrate your despondency.

For too long we have been told to be positive and upbeat. To look on the bright side of life. But I know you want to give negative thinking a squiz too.

Well, today is your big chance and I am here to facilitate your downward spiral into personal hell from which you may never return.

To help us fight this tyranny of the positive I have my two beautiful workshops assistants who will help drive you to the edge of despair and beyond.

Please welcome to the stage Sylvia Plath and Anne Sexton—for nobody does misery better than American poets. Not even Russians.

You can join Sylvia and Anne in their respective corners after this pep talk. Sylvia will teach you 10 Fun Ways to Commit Suicide and Anne will demonstrate How to be a Wet Blanket at a Party.

Before we move on to those life-changing workshops I want to share with you this bit of wisdom.

Positive affirmations are out and negative affirmations are in.

If you repeat these 10 negative affirmations in bed at night, you won’t open your eyes next morning.

  1. I have no purpose in life.
  2. I am ugly.
  3. I am stupid.
  4. I can’t. I won’t. End of story.
  5. I deserve the worst.
  6. I will compare myself to strangers on the internet.
  7. I am happy being unhappy.
  8. I hold on to everything that holds me back.
  9. I give up because I can’t be bothered.
  10. I am toxic and proud.

There now, don’t you feel better already?

Before I leave you in Sylvia and Anne’s capable hands, I want you to join me in singing this little ditty I adapted from my dear friend Monty Python.

All together now…

Some things in life are bad
They can really make you mad
Other things just make you swear and curse
When you’re chewing on life’s gristle
Don’t fight it, give in
And this’ll help things turn out for the worst

And always look on the worst side of life
Always look on the dark side of life
If life seems jolly rotten
There’s something you’ve forgotten
And that’s to cry and grimace and shuffle and moan
When you’re feeling in the dumps
Don’t be silly chumps
Just hang yourself, that’s the thing

And always look on the dark side of life

Come on!

Always look on the wrong side of life

For life is quite absurd
And death’s the final word
You must always face the curtain with a bow
Forget about your sin
Give the audience a scowl
Enjoy it, it’s your last chance anyhow

So, always look on the bright side of death
Just before you draw your terminal breath
Life’s a piece of shit
When you look at it
Life’s a drag and death’s a joke, it’s true
You’ll see it’s all a show
Keep ’em crying as you go
Just remember that the last laugh is on you.

À bientôt, mes amies.

The Sozzled Scribbler was born in the shadow of the Erechtheion in Athens, Greece, to an Egyptian street walker and a Greek bear wrestler. He is currently stateless and lives on gin and cigarettes.

Dmetri Kakmi is the author of Mother Land (shortlisted for the New South Wales Premier’s Literary Awards in Australia), and the editor of When We Were Young. His latest book is The Door and Other Uncanny Tales. He does not endorse the Sozzled Scribbler’s views.