The Perfect Life #46 by Dr, Perfect
Dear Dr. Perfect,
There was this Corona Virus TikTok challenge to lick store merchandise items. I thought the trend was foolish, but I soon learned I have this intense curiosity to find out what the items I purchase taste like. At first, I’d purchase things and get home and give them a quick little lick. But, in licking everything I buy, I have found that sometimes the taste is inferior to a previous product. Now I lick the items discretely before purchase.
To be clear I lick everything. Ice cream containers, Windex, sofas, plungers, etc. If the flavor is acceptable, I go ahead with the purchase and lick it more in depth at home. I’ve found that black coffee and red wine really cleanse the palate so that I can experience each lick as if it is brand new. True peace.
The problem is that some neighborhood kids have been filming me enjoying licks through my window and have recently tried to get me to pay them not to post it everywhere. I think licking things could change their lives. I am in desperate need of advice on how to convince them to try it.
A man with great taste
PS If you do not already engage in this practice yourself, I encourage you to liberate yourself and try it.
Dear Sir Licks-A-Lot,
TikTok challenges are a hoot. I didn’t think anything could top the sulfuric acid challenge sweeping the nation just last week. But here we are, leaping toward the next trend. Sometimes even I have trouble keeping up with it all.
When I was a kid, we’d race across the monkey bars or challenge one another to a game of dodge ball. No one ingested laundry detergent pods or fistfuls of cinnamon for attention. It was all good, clean fun.
There was this one kid who fell down an abandoned mineshaft after a dare, but no one put a gun to his head. He survived the ordeal and came out of it more popular than ever. This taught me an important life lesson, further exemplified by my Uncle Frank, who performed with the traveling circus.
He had an act where mules kicked him around for about fifteen minutes to thunderous audience applause. You see, no performance is undignified if people are willing to watch it. Uncle Frank soon retired from the circus with a collapsed lung and a slew of health problems. He was tragically hit by a train and killed some years later. Legend has it, he was performing his final act before leaving this world. Godspeed, Frank!
I get dozens of letters about fetishes each week. Your seemingly dog-like obsession with licking everything is as intriguing as it is repulsive. Have you considered “pup play?” Sometimes the latest social media craze takes hold, and before we know it, we’re planking atop milk crates in an alleyway with our pants down, trying to get our next fix. It’s a dangerous road hindered best through the complete dissociation with TikTok and social media alike.
Last I checked, TikTok surpassed Google as the most popular app, with some 2 billion downloads to date. Their success is largely attributed to mind control and hypnosis. The allure of posting short-form videos is too much to resist in our attention-starved culture. It’s a wonder we’re able to focus on anything else.
What started out as a COVID TikTok romp has clearly turned into an obsession. Your penchant for licking everything and coating random products with your saliva could very well be a cry for help. I won’t go that far though. This act of “liberation,” as you put it, drives your senses, tantalizes your taste buds, and leaves you wanting more.
You might reach a day where no lick will compare to the first one. You’ll lick and lick until your tongue falls out, hollow and rotted. I’ve seen this kind of thing before. My Uncle Irwin was also a circus performer, and—let’s not get into that one.
You face a new dilemma with these neighborhood kids and their subsequent blackmail. Just pay them what they want and hope the matter goes away. Then, when they least expect it, unleash some much-needed payback in the form of timeshare enrollments.
You seem more concerned with shepherding them into the licking life than the damage they could do to your reputation. If it’s influence you seek, you’ll need to utilize TikTok. I don’t know any better way to reach these kids. Express the inherent joys of your favorite pastime and encourage all to partake. Start a commune and extol the virtues of your newfound faith. Anything that keeps you out of the grocery store and tainting products works for me.
It’s not that I don’t enjoy licking things on occasion. Popsicles, porterhouse steaks, and laminated newspapers are just a few of my guilty pleasures. But you’re taking things to a whole new level. Slow it down, draw a warm bath, and lick a Tootsie Pop until your heart’s content. You may find the center before the next TikTok challenge explodes onto the scene.
Dr. Perfect has slung advice across the globe for the last two decades due to his dedication to the uplift of the human condition.