The Perfect Life

Dear Dr. Perfect, Do I dare eat a peach?  Signed,  J. Alfred ———————— Hello Al, Are we talking fresh or canned? I must admit this is a nice break from the standard trove of letters blathering about sexual compatibility, fatal illness, or fashion crimes. I espouse the methodologies of perfect living in all my columns. Continue reading

Dear Dr. Perfect, Why do I get a nosebleed every time “You Might Think” by the Cars comes on the radio? I just want to watch my movie and eat dinner. Is that too much to ask? This is not going to work.  Signed, Bloodied More Often Than You’d Think —————————— Dear Bloodied, I get Continue reading

Dear Dr. Perfect, My daughter keeps threatening to become a poet. I’ve tried tasing her, but nothing has worked. A little help here? Signed, A Misunderstood Father ——————————— Dear MF, The searing pain of paralyzing electrical shocks will only embolden her. As the old saying goes, you don’t choose poetry, poeticalness kidnaps you. I dabbled Continue reading

Dear Dr. Perfect, My dad is super smart, but not especially open-minded. Ever since I was young, he has dismissed all my life-choices as resulting from what he calls the mass mindset. He quotes Brave New World and 1984 to me. He only respects my ideas if they align with his values, which is what his free thinking amounts Continue reading

I have a friend who I feel has resented me for years. The who-needs-enemies-when-you-have-friends-like-that type. Everything finally came to a tipping point, and I confronted her. Every pent-up thing I had been feeling went in a long text.  She was insulted, offended, and betrayed that I would dare recommend she examine her tendencies as a Continue reading

Dear Dr. Perfect,  I recently moved to a new apartment. Several of my friends helped me lug my stuff across town. Afterwards, I sent them thank you notes, as I am a believer in the small gesture of gratitude, a hand-written note, which feels so much more satisfying than verbal thanks. One of my friends, Continue reading

Dear Dr. Perfect, A local funeral home recently ran a promotion in which one could pay for one’s cremation for only $2,000, which I eagerly paid. However, when I showed up for my cremation, those swindlers refused me service. The agent at the Better Business Bureau refused to help me.  Why won’t anyone help me? Continue reading

Dear Dr. Perfect, Inflation has hit hard lately. I’m a fresh graduate with an entry level job. I save where I can, like having roommates and not buying much for myself, but money drains out of my bank account like water down a drainpipe. What can I do to save more? Sincerely, City Dweller ——————————– Continue reading

Dear Dr. Perfect, My car finally kicked the bucket. Now is my chance to use the scrap metal money to buy my very own motorcycle. I’ve been wanting to do this for a long time, but my girlfriend is insistent that I buy a “real vehicle” instead. How can I convince her that this is Continue reading