The Perfect Life

Dear Dr. Perfect, Should I become a snob? Mind you, I don’t want to be pretentious. I just feel like I’m becoming allergic to popular taste.  My generation feels fuzzy nostalgia for the mediocrities of Ghostbusters and Back to the Future. Maybe it’s Oscar season, with Hollywood bending over backwards to give itself Olympic medals Continue reading

Dear Dr. Perfect, Where do you stand on New Year’s resolution? I make/break them hopelessly. Two years ago, I sought a criminal career, but backed out of this black market organ heist at the last minute, then had to go on the lam.  The next year, I vowed to get baptized but felt uncomfortable at Continue reading

Dear Dr. Perfect, Why do old people sit a McDonald’s for so long? Are they spying on me? Are they fantasizing about my sex life? What should I do about this emergency?  A burger eater who wants some peace. Dear loyal McPerson, As someone who occasionally slums in fast-fooderies, I’ll attempt some insight. The grand Continue reading

Dear Dr. Perfect, I wrote the following email to my college teacher:  Dear Professor,  Now that class is over and you have a mountain of grading to do, I wonder if it might be convenient for you to worsen your poor health—could you die, if possible?—to create new extra assignments and then grade them so Continue reading

Dear Dr. Perfect, My AI Chatbot plagiarized another AI Chatbot, and now my professor wants to flunk me. How can I overcome this injustice? Signed,Desperate  —————— Dear Desperate, Unfortunately, I saw this coming. I predicted the robot wars would begin through the allure of artificial intelligence. AI would seep into our daily lives, and before Continue reading

I recently read a book, The Truth that Can’t be Covered Up with Toothpaste, which says that toothpaste is evil, because when you use it, goblins emerge from your mouth when you sleep at night. Is there any validation for this theory?” Signed, Frightened Little Monster  ————— Dear Frightened, There’s some truth to every theory, even Continue reading

Dear Dr. Perfect, I want to lose weight, but it’s so much work for me to actually do it. Someone told me to get peck and calve implants. Can you help me decide if I should get any, in prose that’s easy to read?  Signed,  A Lazy Person ————— Dear LP, Losing weight is hard, Continue reading