Dear Dr. Perfect,

Where do you stand on New Year’s resolution? I make/break them hopelessly.

Two years ago, I sought a criminal career, but backed out of this black market organ heist at the last minute, then had to go on the lam. 

The next year, I vowed to get baptized but felt uncomfortable at the thought of all that water and people gawking, then had to go on the lam.

I can’t get evolve. What should I do?

Sincerely,

A perpetual screw-up

Dear indecisive,

Fear not. Yes, this cycle of renewal summons introspection. Most desire growth through applying wisdom. Others desire the status quo that is killing their souls.

Most common are those who learn from some mistakes but not from others, like placing a second delivery order for a case of donut-flavored vodka, which seemed like a good idea at the time.

I do try. I’ll wake up an hour earlier once a week to get a head start on the day. I’ll lower my cholesterol intake to stay alive. I’ll make an extra effort to call my grandmother for a chat. She’s one hundred eleven years old and sharper than your standard geriatric politician.

Grandma Perfect lives up to her name in every way. She just published a novel, ran a Christmas 5K, and delivered the keynote address at her retirement community’s annual charity ball. Her zest for life proves it’s never too late to accomplish great things. But I also suspect she’s lying about her age to mess with people. My mother told me she’s actually 72. Still impressive!

The amount of free time at the end of the day averages two to three hours. Proper time management skills can result in approximately one hour of productivity after eliminating all diversions and meaningless distractions. I usually squander said hour with a glass of bourbon and Mr. Bean videos on YouTube—the perfect life indeed.

Humans raising children have even less time. They’re lucky to find fifteen minutes to hide in the bathroom with a magazine. That’s still better than anyone in the pre-industrial age who spent most of their day hunting, preparing, and cooking food while vainly huddling away from plague.

Of course, being perfect leaves little room for improvement. It’s time you chose a path and stuck with it. Maybe your new year’s resolution should be to pretend to be me.

Good luck figuring it out. I’ll raise a glass to you at midnight, my friend. Happy New Year!

Dr. Perfect has slung advice across the globe for the last two decades due to his dedication to the uplift of the human condition.