The Curator of Schlock #31 by Jeffrey Shuster

Movie Poster Mahem!

They don’t draw them like used to.

It’s late. I’m tired. I don’t feel like writing a movie review. So those of you who were expecting a Leprechaun review in time for St. Patty’s Day, you can forget it! I’m in a grumpy mood and when in a grumpy mood, I start to hate on the times we’re living in and start waxing nostalgic for the good old days when things were just plain better. Today’s topic: movie posters!

Okay. We’re going to take a look at last week’s movie posters and I’m going to explain to you why they’re flawed and show you how older posters from similar movies did a much better job at enticing the movie goer.

Modern Poster 1: Nebraska

What’s this movie about? Can you tell? I sure can’t. It looks like an outline of Bruce Dern’s face, but most of it’s obscured. What’s the point of having Bruce Dern on your poster if you can’t see his face?

Old Poster that’s better than new one: Silent Running

How cool is this poster for Silent Running? Not only do you get to see all of Bruce Dern’s face, but it has cool robots to boot! Robots make any poster better.

Modern Poster 2: Captain Phillips

Woah! What happened here? I guess that’s Tom Hanks in the poster with the scary Somali guy behind him. The floating machine gun in front of him is there to emphasize the danger of the situation he’s in. Still, it just isn’t threatening enough.

Old Poster that’s better than new one: The Beyond

Okay. Look at the above poster. Now imagine that’s Tom Hanks getting that blade in front of his throat, all squinting and screaming like that woman. Now that’s a movie I want to see.

Modern Poster 3: Her

That doesn’t look like a Her to me. That looks like a Joaquin Phoenix with a disturbing mustache. This simply will not do.

Old Poster that’s better than new one: She

Okay. So you have a choice between watching Ursula Andress, “The World’s Most Beatiful Woman” or you can watch Joaquin Phoenix’s disturbing mustache. The choice is yours.

Modern Poster: Gravity

Yeah. A lone astronaut floating out in the middle of space. Nothing’s happening! When a movie takes place in space, the poster should show a little more than just plain old space.

Old Poster that’s better than new one: Moonraker

Do I need to say anything? We have Roger Moore in a space suit with a laser gun, that metal mouthed henchman they call Jaws flying right at him, floating Bond girls, and a super villain raising his fist in the air as space shuttles blow up behind him. What more could you possibly want?

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Jeffrey Shuster (episode 47) is an MFA candidate and instructor at the University of Central Florida.