The Curator of Schlock #50 by Jeff Shuster

Jeff’s 7 Reasons Not Curate Schlock

Curating schlock is not for everyone. I get a lot of would be schlock-meisters poking around this museum, looking for internship opportunities. Well, we just don’t let anyone through these doors. Frankly, if your idea of Schlock is a movie featuring a gorilla dining at TGI Fridays, you just don’t get it. I’m not going to take any of you on as my apprentice, but here are some helpful tips if you want to start your own Museum of Schlock. And yes, I am an expert. This is blog entry number 50 and I don’t care what Malcolm Gladwell claims, whenever someone writes 50 blogs on anything, that makes them an expert.

1.     Do not drink grape soda and/or grape juice while typing up your weekly entries. Grape liquids have a tendency slip from your fingers onto the keyboard, ruining any chance you have of getting that Lady Frankenstein review posted before Halloween. In fact, purple drinks in general have a habit of flying all over the place. Try Donald Duck Orange Juice instead. It’s the official drink of the Museum of Schlock, and it’s so revolting that you’ll only lift that can to your lips once.

2.     Know that Italian zombies are superior to American zombies. They drink Southern Comfort, attack great white sharks, and can appear out of thin air. Sometimes they’ll appear on scaffolding 15 feet high just so they can jump off and make a fancy entrance.  You’ve still got to shoot them in the head like American zombies. Also, don’t confuse cannibals with Italian zombies. Cannibals are people, just like you and me.

3.     Blog entries are best written at 5 in the morning the day the blog is due. Sometimes it’s difficult to come up with things to say about a vigilante movie that you haven’t said in the previous 8 vigilante movies you reviewed. That’s where 5-hour Energy comes in handy. This sweet nectar of gods will send a jolt to your system. You’ll know it’s working if your hands start shaking. Avoid pomegranate flavor.

4.     Be sure to showcase Star Trek: The Motion Picture to people if you want to ensure they’ll never watch another Star Trek movie again. In fact, it’s a great film to show them if you want to ensure that they’ll never be a fan of science fiction. Now supporters of Star Trek: The Motion Picture may accuse its detractors of not having the “intellectual capacity to comprehend” the movie. What’s to comprehend? A giant space cloud wants to eat the planet Earth, but settles for making star love with the dad from 7^th Heaven. The end.

5.     Ignore requests from friends and co-workers about which schlock movies to CURATE. You may hear something along the likes of “Hey, why don’t you review that movie about the killer tire.” Set standards! I can tell you at this establishment we don’t watch movies about killer tires, killer tomatoes, or killer gorillas.

6.     You need to know who the greatest film composer of all time is. If you say John Williams, I’ll be tempted to slap you. It’s Keith Emerson, former member of Emerson, Lake, and Powell and master of the Moog. He’s composed scores for such films as Harmagedon, Godzilla Final Wars, Dario Argento’s Inferno, Murderock, and Nighthawks. Yeah, Nighthawks, the movie where Sylvestor Stallone and Billy Dee Williams play two rough and tumble New York City detectives on the heels of a serial killer terrorist, played by the sublime Rutger Hauer. Why haven’t I showcased this movie yet?

7.     Making lists is great way to get readers to read your columns. It gives the information in digestible little chunks instead of over loading their corneas. Plus, people love lists: Christmas lists, grocery lists, revenge lists, etc.

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Jeffrey Shuster (episode 47, episode 102) is an MFA candidate and instructor at the University of Central Florida.