Buzzed Books #19 by Brett Pribble

The Satanic Children’s Big Book of Activities

Do you love children? I don’t. To me they are perfect offerings for the dark lord Satan. So when I discovered The Satanic Children’s Big Book of Activities I was ecstatic. I wondered what different recipes it would provide on baking and boiling the little creatures into edible delights. Well, my brethren, I’m here to tell you that I found no such directions. The book is actually written for children! It aims to teach them valuable lessons about math and science. I was beside myself with repugnance.

It begins with two nearly identical drawings of a little girl doing a satanic ritual in front of her class. I wet my mouth in anticipation of bloodshed, but the ritual is actually meant to spread knowledge. The girl performs a science experiment, not slitting a chicken’s throat. It’s a jab at creationism, facetiously comparing science to Satanism. The book instructs the reader to find six differences between the two drawings—a way to teach memory skills. I don’t know why you’d want to teach children anything, but I suppose if you love children this will suffice while also providing social commentary for adults.

This Satanic book of bullshit activities also contains word puzzles that teach how to use inclusive language. The only words children need to learn are “yes” and “please,” but this offers a much broader vocabulary. Yep. Coloring philosophy novels, navigating mazes, and connecting dots (to form a pentagram) are all part of this blasphemous baby. It teaches children to dream big. There is even a sketch of a sleeping puppy named Cerberus with a thought bubble above his head, which you can draw-in what he’s dreaming about. Personally, I’d draw little Bobby or Susie hung over a pentagram with their intestines torn out, but I guess if you love your children this could be for you.

Pair with: Blueberry Capri-Sun and vodka.

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Brett Pribble teaches writing courses in Orlando, Florida. He’s afraid of sharks and often isn’t sure whether or not he’s dreaming. He was previously published in Saw Palm and The Molotov Cocktail.