The Curator of Schlock #89 by Jeff Shuster
The Internet can’t seem to shut up about that trailer for that new Supergirl TV show. I don’t know. As someone who stuck it out through ten seasons of Smallville only to see Clark Kent put the suit on in the last ten minutes of the final episode, I’m a bit miffed that Supergirl gets her suit in the first trailer. Heck, the Supergirl on Smallville got her suit before Clark! I kept thinking the show was going to end with Clark working the back 40 like Pa Kent would have wanted. Anyway, we’re here to review 1984’s Supergirl from director Jeannot Schwarc, and it’s a bizarre little movie. I’ll have to break this down so I can keep my sanity while writing this review. The opening credits are cool. They have that whole zooming toward the camera thing that the original Superman had–only these credits have a more physical presence like they were made out of solid aluminum. I wonder if they’re packed away around someone’s basement somewhere waiting to be sold on Ebay. Helen Slater stars as Supergirl, and if there’s one thing the makers this movie got right, it was that casting choice. It’s not just that she’s really good looking, it’s that she’s really good looking. She’s got some acting chops, too, in that she’s playing Kara Zor-El from Argo City who comes to earth as Supergirl while assuming the identity of Linda Lee, so she’s really playing three parts if you think about it. Oddly enough, I think she has a better disguise that Clark Kent. She’s a brunette when she’s posing as Linda Lee. Clark Kent should have considered going blond instead wearing those specs. That would have been a much better disguise. Faye Dunaway stars as Selena, some devil-worshipping enchantress who wants to rule the world. Oddly enough, she’s more likeable here as a power hungry despot than she was as Joan Crawford. She hangs out in an abandoned amusement park with her Satanist friends waiting for her big break. She gets it when a magic ball called the Omegahedron falls from the sky into a bucket of cheese. This obviously makes her extra magical, so she sets about making love potions to seduce a local gardener while summoning invisible demons to attack Supergirl. Magic can hurt Supergirl as well as Superman. I learned that on Smallville. There was this whole season where Lana Lang was possessed by the spirit of her dead witch ancestor. I seem to recall Jane Seymore guest starring on that season. I think she was a witch too. It’s all a blur to me now. I’ll be honest with you, I just watched Smallville to see the young Lex Luthor get roughed up by some freak or alien each week. An episode couldn’t go by without Lex getting knocked into a table or shot or thrown out a window. No wonder he turned evil.
Five Things I Learned From Supergirl
- Always hold your swinging, Satanic cocktail parties in an abandoned funhouse.
- When Supergirl is on the job, no IHOPs get destroyed.
- Denizens of the Phantom Zone sustain themselves on squirts of green slime.
- They used to serve onion rings at Popeye’s.
- Jimmy Olsen is not a substitute for Superman!