Dispatches from the Funkstown Clarion Herald Tribune Mirror:
International Version #1 by Simon Bluespire
My distant cousin Clement Hooker, once a townsperson of Funkstown, Maryland, is currently stationed in a secret location in Finland doing genetic experiments. Once a proud portion of the fourth estate, The Funkstown Mirror has merged with several other newspapers during the last hundred thirteen years, and insists on the old-fashioned process of publishing the news on paper, which leaves Clement without any reliable access to it in a timely fashion. But he has used bitcoins to have it digitized in Odessa, where it is then translated into Ukraine, emailed to a foreign exchange student fluent in Esperanto, who then translates in into Morse Code that is then turned into sick beats in discos in Donghae, South Korea, where an obese deejay who suffers from motion sickness translates it back into English. Before he prints out the results on a dot matrix printer, Clem sends them to me, and I hereby share the results with you…
In Surprising Move, The Disney Company Acquires Itself
by Staff Writer Simon Bluespire
Only three years after acquiring George Lucas’s Star Wars franchise for $4.06 billion, in a surprising move this morning, The Disney Corporation acquired itself in a stock and cash transaction for the reputed amount of $2.07 trillion. This is the largest entertainment acquisition in history.
“On paper, the numbers just made complete sense,” said Jay Rasulo, Disney’s Chief Financial Officer. “I suppose certain critics on Wall Street will insinuate a certain amount of redundancy here, but still this is an amazing deal. With these new revenue streams, the company will earn back our investment within fifteen months, at the outside.”
According to Disney President and CEO, Bob Iger, who spoke in his most inspirational baritone, “This latest acquisition follows our significant acquisitions of Pixar, Marvel Comics, and Lucasfilm, Ltd, which shows this company’s special capacity to maximize creativity and market share of superior content with relatable characters and glossy storytelling through the application of global modalities across multiplatform technologies. This acquisition leverages us creatively for the future. We are thrilled to invite the Disney characters into our fold.”
In a teleconference with the press, Iger signed the papers that transferred control of the Disney Corporation to himself and the Disney Corporation. When asked how soon Disney characters would start appearing in Disney films and Disney theme parks, Iger deferred to Disney Parks Chairman Tom Staggs and the president of Walt Disney Animation and Pixar Studios Ed Catmull, who claimed that Disney characters would appear immediately across the spectrum of Disney’s products in a burst of synergy.
“I suppose this means more Oswald the Lucky Rabbit,” said one morose fan on the blog Mousejob.net. “Why can’t the company just let their products stay classic? Where is Hannah Montana?”
Said another fan, “I think the Disney Parks are already absolutely perfect the way they are. I just don’t think they need Mickey Mouse inserted into every nook and cranny.”
“This is a proud day for our company, for our fans, for our shareholders,” Iger said. “The future has never looked brighter.”