Dispatches from the Funkstown Clarion Herald Tribune Mirror: 

International Version #4 by Simon Bluespire

My distant cousin Clement Hooker, once a townsperson of Funkstown, Maryland, is currently stationed in a secret location in Finland doing genetic experiments. Once a proud portion of the fourth estate, The Funkstown Mirror has merged with several other newspapers during the last hundred thirteen years, and insists on the old-fashioned process of publishing the news on paper, which leaves Clement without any reliable access to it in a timely fashion. But he has used bitcoins to have it digitized in Odessa, where it is then translated into Ukraine, emailed to a foreign exchange student fluent in Esperanto, who then translates in into Morse Code that is then turned into sick beats in discos in Donghae, South Korea, where an obese deejay who suffers from motion sickness translates it back into English. Before he prints out the results on a dot matrix printer, Clem sends them to me, and I hereby share the results with you…

In the summer of 2018, heavy metal legends Guns and Roses might finish the Not in This Lifetime reunion tour in their lifetimes. Well, three out of their five lifetimes. Rolling Stone, feeling the need to take an urgent break for attempting to understand Taylor Swift’s newer, darker side, speculated about what would happen to GnR in six months-time after what is the most lucrative tour in music history (excepting a one-off Kanye West once performed in South Dakota). Rolling Stone cannot know what GnR will actually do, or apparently figure out why such speculation might be meaningful to anyone other than Harold, who lives in Tupelo, where GnR did not stop during their Not in This Lifetime tour.

The Funkstown Clarion Herald Tribune Mirror can do better.

PERFORM THE VAGINA MONOLOGUES

Axl Rose contains multitudes, from channeling his inner racist and homophobe on One in a Million to sporting NWA caps and performing with Elton John. Slash almost transcends humanity itself in becoming an ideal element that alchemists spent the middle ages chasing. Duff McKagan’s sensibilities could bring a rhythmic depth to the Eve Ensler classic series of dramatic speeches, and this rock and roll unit could challenge their legions of fans in ways that haven’t been possible since the Appetite for Destruction days.

PERFORM WITH LA GUNS

For the true fans, the magic era of 1980s metal was not the 1987 triumph of Appetite for Destruction, but the live music of the LA metal scene circa 1984. Set-lists made exclusively of music from before Appetite would inform Chinese Democracy in amazing ways.

PERFORM ENTIRE ALBUMS

While fans expect an assortment of their greatest hits, GnR could generate a lot of artistically dynamic energy by following the creative arcs of the album format live. Who wouldn’t want to see and hear GnR rip through Black Sabbath, She’s So Unusual, or Lemonade?

COMMIT TO A 6-WEEK RESIDENCY AT THE SUNOCO ON WAYNE AVENUE IN DAYTON, OHIO

There is a psychic wound to the collective psyche of DAYTON, OHIO fans after Limp Bizkit were too limp to show up for a gig. Just imagine if GnR committed to a month and a half of shows there. A new civilization would emerge. The relationship with their audience would become spiritual.

PUT THE MAKE UP BACK ON
It worked for KISS.

RELEASE A NEW ALBUM

After Chinese Documentary, GnR cannot simply stand still or try to reprise their old sound. The Funkstown Clarion Herald Tribune Mirror recommends they make a bold foray into bluegrass techno rap.

Dispatches from the Funkstown Clarion Herald Tribune Mirror: 

International Version #3 by Simon Bluespire

My distant cousin Clement Hooker, once a townsperson of Funkstown, Maryland, is currently stationed in a secret location in Finland doing genetic experiments. Once a proud portion of the fourth estate, The Funkstown Mirror has merged with several other newspapers during the last hundred thirteen years, and insists on the old-fashioned process of publishing the news on paper, which leaves Clement without any reliable access to it in a timely fashion. But he has used bitcoins to have it digitized in Odessa, where it is then translated into Ukraine, emailed to a foreign exchange student fluent in Esperanto, who then translates in into Morse Code that is then turned into sick beats in discos in Donghae, South Korea, where an obese deejay who suffers from motion sickness translates it back into English. Before he prints out the results on a dot matrix printer, Clem sends them to me, and I hereby share the results with you…

A TRANSCRIPT OF THE NIXON TAPES THAT WAS NOT ESPECIALLY GERMANE TO THE SENATE SELECT COMMITTEE, BUT SEEMS OF ODD HISTORICAL IMPORTANCE NONETHELESS (RECENTLY RELEASED DUE TO A FREEDOM OF INFORMATION ACT REQUEST BY M. SUNDROP)

APRIL 25, 1971: The President AND H. R. Haldeman, 12:57-1:02 P.M., OVAL OFFICE

PRESIDENT NIXON: Is that sandwich here, Bob?

HALDEMAN: It’s there in front of you.

PRESIDENT NIXON: Not this Goddamn thing. Now what I want you to know, Bob, is that this isn’t the sandwich I am going to eat.

HALDEMAN: Yes.

PRESIDENT NIXON: I mean I am the president of the United States.

HALDEMAN: Sure. The Reuben is gone.

PRESIDENT NIXON: This Rueben atrocity here—am I really expected to put that thing in my mouth? I mean the point here is that I need a sandwich I can trust. I had Buchanan in here, and he was supposed to ask for a ham sandwich. A ham sandwich.

HALDEMAN: I could get Colson to check on that.

PRESIDENT NIXON: If Timahoe was sitting here on the carpet of the Goddamn Oval Office, I wouldn’t feed a Rueben sandwich to him, much less that Reuben sandwich to him. I mean a dog wouldn’t eat that much sauerkraut for Chrissakes.

[Withdrawn item. National Security.]

PRESIDENT NIXON: Look, [jowly munching] I cannot run this high office on an empty stomach. And believe you me, the prosperity of this country—do you think [more jowly munching] that sonfabitch [Ted] Kennedy has these problems, Bob?

HALDEMAN: I think we can [unintelligible].

PRESIDENT NIXON: Good. Get [even more jowly munching] on that. Now get that Rueben outta here. Oh, turn that transistor up. [The Rolling Stones’s “Jumpin’ Jack Flash” is audible. Papers flutter.]

[Sound of jello squishing.]

Dispatches from the Funkstown Clarion Herald Tribune Mirror: 

International Version #2 by Simon Bluespire

My distant cousin Clement Hooker, once a townsperson of Funkstown, Maryland, is currently stationed in a secret location in Finland doing genetic experiments. Once a proud portion of the fourth estate, The Funkstown Mirror has merged with several other newspapers during the last hundred thirteen years, and insists on the old-fashioned process of publishing the news on paper, which leaves Clement without any reliable access to it in a timely fashion. But he has used bitcoins to have it digitized in Odessa, where it is then translated into Ukraine, emailed to a foreign exchange student fluent in Esperanto, who then translates in into Morse Code that is then turned into sick beats in discos in Donghae, South Korea, where an obese deejay who suffers from motion sickness translates it back into English. Before he prints out the results on a dot matrix printer, Clem sends them to me, and I hereby share the results with you…

New Dark Horse GOP Candidate Emerges for New Hampshire Primary

The Funkstown Clarion Herald Tribune Mirror is proud to present this exclusive interview.

FCHTM: How did you learn about this race?

JH: We get The Funkstown Clarion Herald Tribune Mirror on Tattoine.

FCHTM: How?

JH: It’s too complicated to discuss here.

FCHTM: What made you want to run?

JH: I just didn’t feel like any of the other candidates could serve as the symbolic representation for conservative values the way that I could.

FCHTM: Your campaign seems derivative of another high-profile candidate.

JH: Is that a question?

FCHTM: Why does your campaign seem derivative of another high-profile candidate?

JH: Because I actually make it look good.

FCHTM: Your opponent’s, I mean, your slogan claims that you will restore America to the greatness of a former time. Which time specifically do you mean?

JH: The era of Richard Nixon, of course. He had class.

FCHTM: You’re an alien not only to this country, but also to this planet. Aren’t you ineligible to actually take office, if elected?

JH: I will be elected. Then, my first act as president will be to propose a constitutional amendment—

FCHTM: But how can you take the oath if—

JH: And for my second act as president, my enemies will publicly be made to understand a new definition of pain and suffering.

FCHTM: Will you be seeking the endorsement of Sarah Palin?

JH: Certainly not.

FCHTM: Weren’t you strangled to death a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away?

JH: That rumor simply isn’t true. I freely admit, that slave woman did stun me with how well she yanked that chain, but when you’ve engaged in rough trade for as long as I have, it’s going to take a lot more than that to put me down.

FCHTM: Is this sudden campaign a hoax of some kind?

JH: Ha, ha, ha, ha.

FCHTM: Is that a yes or a no?

JH:

FCHTM: I’m sorry, what did you say?

Dispatches from the Funkstown Clarion Herald Tribune Mirror:

International Version #1 by Simon Bluespire

My distant cousin Clement Hooker, once a townsperson of Funkstown, Maryland, is currently stationed in a secret location in Finland doing genetic experiments. Once a proud portion of the fourth estate, The Funkstown Mirror has merged with several other newspapers during the last hundred thirteen years, and insists on the old-fashioned process of publishing the news on paper, which leaves Clement without any reliable access to it in a timely fashion. But he has used bitcoins to have it digitized in Odessa, where it is then translated into Ukraine, emailed to a foreign exchange student fluent in Esperanto, who then translates in into Morse Code that is then turned into sick beats in discos in Donghae, South Korea, where an obese deejay who suffers from motion sickness translates it back into English. Before he prints out the results on a dot matrix printer, Clem sends them to me, and I hereby share the results with you…

In Surprising Move, The Disney Company Acquires Itself

by Staff Writer Simon Bluespire

Only three years after acquiring George Lucas’s Star Wars franchise for $4.06 billion, in a surprising move this morning, The Disney Corporation acquired itself in a stock and cash transaction for the reputed amount of $2.07 trillion. This is the largest entertainment acquisition in history.

“On paper, the numbers just made complete sense,” said Jay Rasulo, Disney’s Chief Financial Officer. “I suppose certain critics on Wall Street will insinuate a certain amount of redundancy here, but still this is an amazing deal. With these new revenue streams, the company will earn back our investment within fifteen months, at the outside.”

According to Disney President and CEO, Bob Iger, who spoke in his most inspirational baritone, “This latest acquisition follows our significant acquisitions of Pixar, Marvel Comics, and Lucasfilm, Ltd, which shows this company’s special capacity to maximize creativity and market share of superior content with relatable characters and glossy storytelling through the application of global modalities across multiplatform technologies. This acquisition leverages us creatively for the future. We are thrilled to invite the Disney characters into our fold.”

In a teleconference with the press, Iger signed the papers that transferred control of the Disney Corporation to himself and the Disney Corporation. When asked how soon Disney characters would start appearing in Disney films and Disney theme parks, Iger deferred to Disney Parks Chairman Tom Staggs and the president of Walt Disney Animation and Pixar Studios Ed Catmull, who claimed that Disney characters would appear immediately across the spectrum of Disney’s products in a burst of synergy.

“I suppose this means more Oswald the Lucky Rabbit,” said one morose fan on the blog Mousejob.net. “Why can’t the company just let their products stay classic? Where is Hannah Montana?”

Said another fan, “I think the Disney Parks are already absolutely perfect the way they are. I just don’t think they need Mickey Mouse inserted into every nook and cranny.”

“This is a proud day for our company, for our fans, for our shareholders,” Iger said. “The future has never looked brighter.”