Dispatches from the Funkstown Clarion Herald Tribune Mirror: 

International Version #4 by Simon Bluespire

My distant cousin Clement Hooker, once a townsperson of Funkstown, Maryland, is currently stationed in a secret location in Finland doing genetic experiments. Once a proud portion of the fourth estate, The Funkstown Mirror has merged with several other newspapers during the last hundred thirteen years, and insists on the old-fashioned process of publishing the news on paper, which leaves Clement without any reliable access to it in a timely fashion. But he has used bitcoins to have it digitized in Odessa, where it is then translated into Ukraine, emailed to a foreign exchange student fluent in Esperanto, who then translates in into Morse Code that is then turned into sick beats in discos in Donghae, South Korea, where an obese deejay who suffers from motion sickness translates it back into English. Before he prints out the results on a dot matrix printer, Clem sends them to me, and I hereby share the results with you…

In the summer of 2018, heavy metal legends Guns and Roses might finish the Not in This Lifetime reunion tour in their lifetimes. Well, three out of their five lifetimes. Rolling Stone, feeling the need to take an urgent break for attempting to understand Taylor Swift’s newer, darker side, speculated about what would happen to GnR in six months-time after what is the most lucrative tour in music history (excepting a one-off Kanye West once performed in South Dakota). Rolling Stone cannot know what GnR will actually do, or apparently figure out why such speculation might be meaningful to anyone other than Harold, who lives in Tupelo, where GnR did not stop during their Not in This Lifetime tour.

The Funkstown Clarion Herald Tribune Mirror can do better.

PERFORM THE VAGINA MONOLOGUES

Axl Rose contains multitudes, from channeling his inner racist and homophobe on One in a Million to sporting NWA caps and performing with Elton John. Slash almost transcends humanity itself in becoming an ideal element that alchemists spent the middle ages chasing. Duff McKagan’s sensibilities could bring a rhythmic depth to the Eve Ensler classic series of dramatic speeches, and this rock and roll unit could challenge their legions of fans in ways that haven’t been possible since the Appetite for Destruction days.

PERFORM WITH LA GUNS

For the true fans, the magic era of 1980s metal was not the 1987 triumph of Appetite for Destruction, but the live music of the LA metal scene circa 1984. Set-lists made exclusively of music from before Appetite would inform Chinese Democracy in amazing ways.

PERFORM ENTIRE ALBUMS

While fans expect an assortment of their greatest hits, GnR could generate a lot of artistically dynamic energy by following the creative arcs of the album format live. Who wouldn’t want to see and hear GnR rip through Black Sabbath, She’s So Unusual, or Lemonade?

COMMIT TO A 6-WEEK RESIDENCY AT THE SUNOCO ON WAYNE AVENUE IN DAYTON, OHIO

There is a psychic wound to the collective psyche of DAYTON, OHIO fans after Limp Bizkit were too limp to show up for a gig. Just imagine if GnR committed to a month and a half of shows there. A new civilization would emerge. The relationship with their audience would become spiritual.

PUT THE MAKE UP BACK ON
It worked for KISS.

RELEASE A NEW ALBUM

After Chinese Democracy, GnR cannot simply stand still or try to reprise their old sound. The Funkstown Clarion Herald Tribune Mirror recommends they make a bold foray into bluegrass techno rap.