The Curator of Schlock #206 by Jeff Shuster

2017 in Review Part Deux

More movies, more troubles.

Your curator continues this week with more impressions of the films of 2017. This was a mistake. I really don’t know what to say about them. But maybe something will come to mind as I plug along. By the way, we’re still on April.

April

The Fate of the Furious

This movie had Jason Statham killing the bad guys aboard a jumbo jet with a baby strapped to his chest to the tune Alvin and the Chipmunks “Christmas Don’t Be Late.”

Sold!

May

Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2

This movie might have the best end credits I’ve ever seen. Included in these end credits is David Hasselhoff saying, “I am Groot.”

Sold!

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales

I almost forgot I saw this one. Something about a quest for Neptune’s Trident and an undead Spanish captain played by Javier Bardem. There’s a love story. Johnny Depp spouts nonsensical gibberish. Paul McCartney shows up some reason. I think I checked out at that point. I heard once that Javier is Spanish for Jeffrey. I think I like Javier better.

June

Wonder Woman

Oh! Wow! Gal Gadot is the real deal! She’s a genuine movie star in an age without movie stars. Chris Pine shines in this too. Heck, this was a better World War I movie than War Horse (stupid, sentimental drivel).

The Mummy

What happened? How do you screw this up? The first movie in Universal’s Dark Universe was an unmitigated disaster. I thought the Tom Cruise seal of approval would guarantee a fun romp, a sort of Mission Impossible meets Cocktail meets Blood from the Mummy’s Tomb. Instead we get a retread of crap I’ve seen from better horror movies along with Russel Crow giving the worst performance of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde I’ve seen since Jekyll and Hyde. It did well in China. You know what didn’t do well in China? Blade Runner 2049!

Megan Leavey

No snark from me on this motion picture. Just a great war pic about an Iraq War veteran and her combat dog, Rex. Kate Mara stars in the title role.

July

Spider-Man: Homecoming

Spider-Man’s back. It was okay. Highlight was Michael Keaton as a working class Joe who gets screwed by the system so he sticks it to the man by becoming a super villain. If you think about it, he’s kind of the hero of the movie.

War for the Planet of the Apes

Another great movie that didn’t do so hot at the box office. This wraps up the Caesar trilogy. These Ape movies are a prime example of how to do remakes. Tell an original story while staying true to the spirit of the original films while making it relevant for our time. And great use of computer animation. The apes really do look like apes.  Hats off to Planet of the Apes. In fact, I almost completely forgot about that Tim Burton monstrosity.

Atomic Blonde

Charlize Theron stars as a MI6 spy who gets sent to Berlin right before the fall of the wall. I think there’s a fight scene or chase scene every ten minutes. It’s R-rated so we get plenty of violence, which is a good thing. Kudos goes to the soundtrack, which contains 80s pop hits as well as covers. You haven’t lived until you’ve heard “Major Tom” in German.

More next week. We’re not done with 2017 just yet.

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Jeffrey Shuster (episode 47, episode 102, episode 124, episode 131, and episode 284) is an MFA graduate from the University of Central Florida.