The Lists #30 by Jason Roeder

Essential Pick Up Lines

“Meditation helps me achieve ego murder.”

“We could burn every book, and I’d sleep like a baby.”

“Nickname: Filth Town”

“I spy a fellow anti-circumcision activist!”

“I was named after Shark Tank.”

“I’m like the Grand Wizard of porn dependence.”

“It’s a hoot making cashiers cry.”

“Can I ask what you’re doing to fight our nation’s obesity epidemic?”

“My bod thrills to cigar burns.”

“I’m atop Natalie Merchant’s kill list, and it’s not even close.”


Jason Roeder

Jason Roeder (Episode 24) was a former senior editor of The Onion, digital director for Full Frontal with Samantha Bee, and writer/producer for He is also a contributor to The New Yorker and the author of the satirical self-help manual Oh, the Humanity! A Gentle Guide To Social Interaction For The Feeble Young Introvert. He lives in Brooklyn and tweets at @jasonroeder.