The Lists #31 by John King

New Year’s Resolutions

1. Annihilate my persona. Use weapons if necessary.
2. Shave off all my body hair, including eyebrows.
3. Form an avant-garde Mariachi band.
4. Become a professional spelunker.
5. Explore Leon Redbone in mandala form.
6. Eat more blueberries.
7. Eat more blueberries.
8. Re-edit Eyes Wide Shut, so the lightsaber duels are put back into the story.
9. Eat more blueberries.

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John King (Episode, well, all of them) holds a PhD in English from Purdue University, and an MFA from New York University. He has reviewed performances for Shakespeare Bulletin.

The Lists #30 by Jason Roeder

Essential Pick Up Lines

“Meditation helps me achieve ego murder.”

“We could burn every book, and I’d sleep like a baby.”

“Nickname: Filth Town”

“I spy a fellow anti-circumcision activist!”

“I was named after Shark Tank.”

“I’m like the Grand Wizard of porn dependence.”

“It’s a hoot making cashiers cry.”

“Can I ask what you’re doing to fight our nation’s obesity epidemic?”

“My bod thrills to cigar burns.”

“I’m atop Natalie Merchant’s kill list, and it’s not even close.”

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Jason Roeder (Episode 24) was a former senior editor of The Onion, digital director for Full Frontal with Samantha Bee, and writer/producer for adultswim.com. He is also a contributor to The New Yorker and the author of the satirical self-help manual Oh, the Humanity! A Gentle Guide To Social Interaction For The Feeble Young Introvert. He lives in Brooklyn and tweets at @jasonroeder.

The Lists #29 by Tim J. Myers

Improved Terms for Some Currently-Known Stuff

As culture changes, language does, too.  So must lexicons. Dictionaries of the world, the following are offered for your delight and edification.

• machina vomitorum: Thrill rides at amusement parks that inspire a terror which can quickly have digestive consequences
• genetic monsters: That 0.00001% of the population whose greyhound torsos, giant eyes, and abyssal cheeks qualify them as super-models
• the churchmice professions: Teaching or the humanities as careers
• In and Out: fast-food-induced diarrhea (which, ironically, never happens at the CA burger chain In and Out)
• Chichis con Huevos: Hooters Restaurant. Also the answer to a Mexican joke: What do honeymooners have for breakfast?
•  johnshock: One’s natural reaction, while sitting in a Port-a-Potty, when a stranger in extremis violently tries the door
• Omeletteville: A memory aid for the millions of Justin-bedazzled moms who can’t remember Justin Timberlake’s actual name
•  Loserschnitzel: Elitist nickname for the hot-dog chain Wienerschnitzel
•  mammal glamour: self-evident.

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Tim J. Myers (Episode 63, interview, Episode 31, essay) is a writer, songwriter and storyteller who also teaches at Santa Clara University in Silicon Valley.  He’s been nominated for two Pushcarts, has published over 130 poems, has three books of adult poetry out, and won a national poetry contest judged by John Updike.  He’s also published much fiction and nonfiction for adults and young readers, won the 2012 SCBWI Magazine Merit Award for Fiction, and won a prize in a major science fiction contest.  His children’s book Basho and the River Stones is a Junior Library Guild selection, his Tanuki’s Gift got an excellent boxed review with art in The New York Times, and his Basho and the Fox, a New York Times bestseller and Smithsonian Notable Children’s Book, was also read aloud on NPR.  He has fifteen children’s books out and two on the way, and his Glad to Be Dad: A Call to Fatherhood is out from Familius.  He can also whistle and hum at the same time, though he hasn’t won any awards for that.  Yet.

The Lists #25 by Patrick Jehle

How I Do my Bird

a. Stalk, disarm, and smother a swan until deceased.
2. Exult.
3. Learn to forgive yourself.
3. Stuff bird generously with explosives (whatever you have around the hovel).
d. Put in the oven and flee the house.
3. Strip, flap, soar, weep, and be free.

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Patrick Jehle (Episode 16) is a writer from Brooklyn living in Chicago. Don’t let him in your kitchen.

The Lists #23 by John King

Take the John King OK Cupid Quiz

I’m madly in love with my wife, so I am off the market, as it were. But yesterday I came across this in my files, from the era before I met her. So this quiz is a thought experiment to see if you would have been worthy of dating me back then. If you take it, then more people have probably taken the quiz on TDO than on OK Cupid.

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If you wish to date John King, please take the following quiz.

1. How many nanoseconds of television do you watch in a week?
2. If you could paint the interior of your own spleen, which abstract expressionist might influence you the most?
3. Do you believe that a person can legitimately have several types of plaids in one’s wardrobe, or only the plaid corresponding to one’s clan?
4. Specify the highest exponent of thinking you are capable of. For example, an exponent of three would mean you think about thinking about thinking.
5. Which would you rather watch: a mediocre opera or a stunningly good cockfight?
6. List the medications you are on, in order of highest dosage to the lowest. You may use additional pages, if necessary.
7. Which is your favorite book of A La Recherche du Temps Perdu?
8. Who is your favorite silent foreign film star?
9. Are you now, or have you ever been, a member of a skiffle band, or a rickshaw guild?
10. What is your favorite font? (Yes, you must pick only one.)
11. Are you married?

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John King (Episode, well, all of them) is a podcaster, writer, and ferret wrangler.

The Lists #22 by Scott Hoffman

Eleven Things Said to Me on Actual Dates

1.

(Sends me a text to meet him at a bar at 10:30, so I show up.)

Me: “Hi, I got your text.”

Him: “What are you doing here?”

2.

Him: “I met another guy. But it might not work out. Do you mind waiting?”

Me: *eye roll*

3.

Him: “I’m worth a lot. I own a successful business, a condo in downtown Austin, and a very expensive car.”

Me: “How about a soul? You got a soul?”

4.

Him: “I haven’t been in a relationship for 14 years.”

Me: “I’m surprised it hasn’t been 20.”

5.

Him: “I prefer younger men.”

Me: “Every man’s younger than you.”

6.

Him: “I think we should just be friends.”

Me: “It’s only been 10 minutes.”

7.

Him: “I’m also seeing a Brazilian model.”

Me: “Hand model, right?”

8.

Him: “My roommate photographs his poops.”

(Produces a Polaroid.)

9.

(After talking about “being friends”)

Him: “Friends? Yes. But if you want to kiss me we could see how that feels.”

Me: “Thanks. I’m good.”

10.

Him: “My thoughts are generally quite pure, a result of 22 years of total abstinence.”

Me: “That time before puberty doesn’t count.”

11.

Me: “So what part of England are you from?”

Him: “I’m not. I just felt like doing an accent tonight.”

Me: “Check, please.”

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Scott Hoffman (Episode 66, essay) is an independent scholar and native Austinite living and working in his hometown. He earned his Ph.D. in American Studies from Purdue University in 2005 and is currently revising his manuscript Haloed by the Nation: Popular Martyrdom in Contemporary America. In 2008, he was nominated for a Lone Star Emmy for researching and writing The World, the War and Texas, a public television documentary about Texans during the Second World War. His publications include “How Do You Solve a Problem like Maria? St. Maria Goretti in the Post-Counter-Cultural World” in The CRITIC and “Holy Martin: The Overlooked Canonization of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.” and “‘Last Night I Prayed to Matthew:’ Matthew Shepard, Homosexuality and Popular Martyrdom in Contemporary America,” both in Religion and American Culture. This year he completed compiling an LBGT Resource Guide for the Austin History Center. In his spare time Scott likes to sing like nobody’s listenin’ and dance like nobody’s watchin’, which means he tends to wail and flail his arms a lot…