The Lists #27 by Patrick Jehle

 Egg Nog Recipe

Do ahead:

  1. Extirpate all memory of any beverage besides eggnog.

2. Also all hope.

3. Dull gag reflexes using fists, feet.

You are now ready to fashion eggnoggal refreshment:

4. Go to a place. Quest, schlep, endure.

5. Obtain nog.

6. Secure the nog.

7. Since whaleshark eggs hatch inside their mothers, these must be obtained the old-fashion way.

8. Be classy about it, all right?

9. Discard any incipient faces or fins. Save huge membranous yellow egg sac for garnish.

10. Beat eggs and cream until you begin to age at random.

11. Put the nog in. Put it in. Now. Before it’s too late.

12. Eggnog should be thick enough to prevent screams from escaping to the surface. Submerge whole cat to test.

13. Shit, this has nutmeg in it, doesn’t it? Just *forget* it at this point.

14. Chug nog. Nogchug.

15. Feel the warm eggal mixture swimming in your stomach.

16. Try to forget that you never, ever wanted this.


Patrick Jehle

Patrick Jehle (Episode 16) is a writer from Brooklyn living in Chicago. Don’t let him in your kitchen.