The Curator of Schlock #114 by Jeff Shuster
Star Wars: Ewoks: The Battle for Endor
(Not to be confused with The Battle of Endor)
Was the world asking for another Ewoks movie? No! But we got one anyway. The movie starts with Cindel (Aubree Miller) and Wicket (Warwick Davis) walking through the grassy meadows of the moon Endor. I’m about one minute into this thing and Wicket is already eroding my last nerve. Part of the problem is Wicket can basically speak English now. Oh, and his lips move in this version. I think they gave him new eyes too and they creep me out because they’re dead like doll’s eyes. Cindel and Wicket having a conversation about how Cindel needs to leave with her family and go to human school. Wicket says all she needs to know how to do is eat gumdrops or something.
Well, it looks like Cindel won’t be going back to school anytime soon since the Ewok village is being invaded by an army of Orcs with lasers. They murder Cindel’s mother and brother.
What is this? Game of Thrones!
The Orcs kidnap a sleuth of Ewoks, burn the Ewok village to the ground, steal a magic spaceship battery from Cindel’s dad, and then shoot Cindel’s dad in back as he’s trying to escape. By the way, Cindel’’s dad is played by the same guy who played the principal in The Breakfast Club. Anyway, he tells Cindel that he’ll always be with her. Really? You’re bleeding out, dude.
Cindel gets kidnapped by the Orcs, obviously, and shoved into a cage with some Ewoks. She and Wicket manage to escape. They end up trapped in a cave somewhere.
Wicket fights a pterodactyl. The pterodactyl flies off with Cindel in its clutches. Wicket flies off after in a hand glider he builds, or discovers?
At this point I wonder if I have the flu.
Soon they befriend a giant rabbit-type critter that can run really fast like those vampires on True Blood. He brings him back to a hut in the middle of the forest. Cindel figures the three of them can live there for the rest of their lives.
You know, I don’t know how we went from Peter Cushing blowing up whole planets with his giant space station to talking teddy bears and jackrabbits! By the way, Jean Marsh plays an evil sorceress who is helping the Orc King try and solve the riddle of the star cruiser battery.
The Orc King keeps going on about how he wants “More power!” Dude, it’s basically a car battery. Nothing to get excited about there unless he’s trying to juice up his power tools like Tim “The Toolman” Taylor.
Did I mention that Wilford Brimley is in this? The Quaker Oats guy. He shows up at the hut, which we learn is his house, and he is quite the grumpy Gus. He kicks Wicket and Cindel out and proceeds to berate the jackrabbit, I think.
Cindel and Wicket bake some berry pies. I stopped watching at that point.
I’m sure the film ended with Wicket getting trapped in a wicker cage and set on fire. Cindel probably challenged the Orc King to mortal combat and drive a dagger through his skull. With their king defeated, Cindel becomes their Queen. You keep what you kill.
Five Things I Learned from Star Wars: Ewoks: The Battle for Endor
- There’s no point in trying to save your parents. George Lucas will just kill them off in the sequel.
- Wilford Brimley has no place in a Star Wars movie. (There, I said it.)
- Ewoks can overstay their welcome in the nexus of popular culture.
- Alien jackrabbits depress me.
- The Chronicles of Riddick is better than Star Wars.