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Category Archives: The Lists

The Lists #27: Horror Movies Sure to Be Released in the Next Decade

03 Thursday Dec 2015

Posted by thedrunkenodyssey in Horror, The Lists

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The Lists #27 by John King

Horror Movies Sure to Be Released in the Next Decade

  • The Befouling
  • The Thing Next to the Other Thing
  • Arbor Day
  • Hypno-homicial Apocalypse of the Purple Land
  • The Stupefaction
  • Bloody Souls
  • The Mutilation Diaries
  • Nicholas Sparks’s The Wumpenbooble
  • The Thing Next to the Other Thing 2
  • Paramecium
  • What the World’s Angriest Toilet Wants
  • The Thing Two Things Over from the Other Thing: The Ed Gein Story

_______

1flip

John King (Episode, well, all of them) is a podcaster, writer, and ferret wrangler.

The Lists #26: Yams Recipe

26 Thursday Nov 2015

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Recipe

The Lists #26 by Patrick Jehle

Yams Recipe

  1. Take yams out of cryogenic yam storage.
  2. Contemplate your failures and sins.
  3. Peel yams.
  4. Remove any unsightly spots by digging them out.
  5. If a spot gets bigger as you dig, keep digging.
  6. Dig, donkey!
  7. The hole will get bigger and darker. Do not look directly at it or obey its commands. Do not give it succor.
  8. Hey, who wants marshmallows?
  9. Keep digging. Push past the pain.
  10. I want my childhood back.

_______

Patrick Jehle and Patrick Jehle

Patrick Jehle (Episode 16) is a writer from Brooklyn living in Chicago. Don’t let him in your kitchen.

The Lists #25: How I Do My Bird

26 Thursday Nov 2015

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The Lists #25 by Patrick Jehle

How I Do my Bird

a. Stalk, disarm, and smother a swan until deceased.
2. Exult.
3. Learn to forgive yourself.
3. Stuff bird generously with explosives (whatever you have around the hovel).
d. Put in the oven and flee the house.
3. Strip, flap, soar, weep, and be free.

_______

Patrick Jehle

Patrick Jehle (Episode 16) is a writer from Brooklyn living in Chicago. Don’t let him in your kitchen.

The Lists #24: Some of the Worst Adverbs in the English Language

12 Thursday Nov 2015

Posted by thedrunkenodyssey in The Lists

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Adverbs, On Writing A Memoir of the Craft, stephen king

The Lists #24 by John King et. al.

Some of the Worst Adverbs in the English Language

On Writing

In On Writing: A Memoir of the Craft, Stephen King (no relation) warns that “the road to Hell is paved with adverbs” (118), based on the idea that a more precise verb, or the more careful context of what is conveyed in scene, makes most adverbs an annoying tick of timid, lazy writing.

Here are some examples to strenuously avoid:

Suddenly

Simperingly

Hurriedly

Killingly

Mistily

Blatantly

Condescendingly

Ickily

Moistly

Hopefully

_______

1flip

John King (Episode, well, all of them) is a podcaster, writer, and ferret wrangler. Some of his facebook friends (Rob Davison, Demtri Kakmi, Brooke Lewis, Will Garland, Cate McGowan, Helena-Ann J. Hill, & Lisa Clare Roney) helped him mightily with this list.

The Lists #23: Take the John King OK Cupid Quiz

05 Thursday Nov 2015

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The Lists #23 by John King

Take the John King OK Cupid Quiz

I’m madly in love with my wife, so I am off the market, as it were. But yesterday I came across this in my files, from the era before I met her. So this quiz is a thought experiment to see if you would have been worthy of dating me back then. If you take it, then more people have probably taken the quiz on TDO than on OK Cupid.


If you wish to date John King, please take the following quiz.

  1. How many nanoseconds of television do you watch in a week?
  2. If you could paint the interior of your own spleen, which abstract expressionist might influence you the most?
  3. Do you believe that a person can legitimately have several types of plaids in one’s wardrobe, or only the plaid corresponding to one’s clan?
  4. Specify the highest exponent of thinking you are capable of. For example, an exponent of three would mean you think about thinking about thinking.
  5. Which would you rather watch: a mediocre opera or a stunningly good cockfight?
  6. List the medications you are on, in order of highest dosage to the lowest. You may use additional pages, if necessary.
  7. Which is your favorite book of A La Recherche du Temps Perdu?
  8. Who is your favorite silent foreign film star?
  9. Are you now, or have you ever been, a member of a skiffle band, or a rickshaw guild?
  10. What is your favorite font? (Yes, you must pick only one.)
  11. Are you married?

_______

1flip

John King (Episode, well, all of them) is a podcaster, writer, and ferret wrangler.

The Lists #22: Eleven Things Said to Me on Actual Dates

03 Thursday Sep 2015

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The Lists #22 by Scott Hoffman

Eleven Things Said to Me on Actual Dates

1.

(Sends me a text to meet him at a bar at 10:30, so I show up.)

Me: “Hi, I got your text.”

Him: “What are you doing here?”

2.

Him: “I met another guy. But it might not work out. Do you mind waiting?”

Me: *eye roll*

3.

Him: “I’m worth a lot. I own a successful business, a condo in downtown Austin, and a very expensive car.”

Me: “How about a soul? You got a soul?”

4.

Him: “I haven’t been in a relationship for 14 years.”

Me: “I’m surprised it hasn’t been 20.”

5.

Him: “I prefer younger men.”

Me: “Every man’s younger than you.”

6.

Him: “I think we should just be friends.”

Me: “It’s only been 10 minutes.”

7.

Him: “I’m also seeing a Brazilian model.”

Me: “Hand model, right?”

8.

Him: “My roommate photographs his poops.”

(Produces a Polaroid.)

9.

(After talking about “being friends”)

Him: “Friends? Yes. But if you want to kiss me we could see how that feels.”

Me: “Thanks. I’m good.”

10.

Him: “My thoughts are generally quite pure, a result of 22 years of total abstinence.”

Me: “That time before puberty doesn’t count.”

11.

Me: “So what part of England are you from?”

Him: “I’m not. I just felt like doing an accent tonight.”

Me: “Check, please.”

_______

Scott Hoffman

Scott Hoffman (Episode 66, essay) is an independent scholar and native Austinite living and working in his hometown. He earned his Ph.D. in American Studies from Purdue University in 2005 and is currently revising his manuscript Haloed by the Nation: Popular Martyrdom in Contemporary America. In 2008, he was nominated for a Lone Star Emmy for researching and writing The World, the War and Texas, a public television documentary about Texans during the Second World War. His publications include “How Do You Solve a Problem like Maria? St. Maria Goretti in the Post-Counter-Cultural World” in The CRITIC and “Holy Martin: The Overlooked Canonization of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.” and “‘Last Night I Prayed to Matthew:’ Matthew Shepard, Homosexuality and Popular Martyrdom in Contemporary America,” both in Religion and American Culture. This year he completed compiling an LBGT Resource Guide for the Austin History Center. In his spare time Scott likes to sing like nobody’s listenin’ and dance like nobody’s watchin’, which means he tends to wail and flail his arms a lot…

The Lists #21: Lyric Reflections

06 Thursday Aug 2015

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The Lists #21 by John King

Lyric Reflections

  • All those years, and I felt foolish. I had gone around with total self-assurance that Jewel’s hands were, in fact, my hands, and I was so proud of myself for having four hands, two of which were pretty nimble with guitar playing. It turns out they were Jewel’s hands, not mine—even though her hands felt so natural as a form of auxiliary hands for me. Sometimes I miss not having her hands, even though I know it is wrong.
  • I am not being vain, Carly Simon, since this song in fact is about me.
  • Isn’t it ironic that Alanis Morissette doesn’t quite know what ironic means? And isn’t it even more ironic that, being schizophrenic and traveling cross-country in a car full of her selves, none of the Alanis Morissettes quite know what ironic means?
  • Katy Perry, what sort of eyes do you have again? I just finished your song and somehow missed it. Let me replay it. … Nope, still missed it.
  • Brian Johnson, so if you are a heat-seeker, then why would you need a life preserver, and under what circumstances would you need someone to hose you down? I understand that in this case, you don’t need those things, but why would other, less heat-seeking people need them? Are the metaphors burning up on re-entry? Did I miss something? I’m in the weeds here.
  • Bono, that is not the blues.
  • Um, Peter Chris, if you can’t see Beth until KISS finds its sound, well … did you ever see her again?

 _______

1flip

John King (Episode, well, all of them) is a podcaster, writer, and ferret wrangler.

The Lists #21: Disturbing Books

16 Thursday Jul 2015

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The Lists #21 by John King

Disturbing Books

Recently a listicle, 10 Books for the Literarily Disturbed, appeared on Feed Your Need to Read. Now I adore most of the books Renata Sweeney placed on that list (Tropic of Cancer is in my sweet spot), but found the adjective disturbing wrong somehow, even when describing Naked Lunch, which I find to be clever and disconcerting, but seldom disturbing–but then again, I used to listen to the industrial music of Throbbing Gristle for fun.

For me, disturbing conjures up existential terror and howling fantods.

So I offer an alternative list.

7. Lá Bas by J.K. Huysmans

La Bas by JK Huysmans

This 1891 novel features a scholar, Durtal, who retreats from the vulgarity of the contemporary world and throws himself into researching the middle ages. He finds himself obsessively researching the life of Gilles de Rais, who fought alongside Joan of Arc, but would later be discovered to be a pedophile who had his victims murdered. Witnessing a black mass (which author J.K Huysmans claims to have actually seen) does little to cheer him up.

While the black mass does not shock me the way it was meant to shock French readers in 1891, the rising madness of scholarship I too easily identify with.

6. Decision Points by George W. Bush

DP

The decider proudly confesses his decision-making. He is serious.

5. American Psycho by Bret Easton Ellis

American Psycho

Okay, so it seems obvious to include this book from 1991, but the way Ellis de-contextualizes serial killing and conflates it with the vapidity, greed, and consumerism of the 1980s unsettles me. That, and the book is a page-turner.

In the literary community, most people dismiss the book, as David Foster Wallace did, as too nihilistic and entertaining, but for me, the combination is what makes it great and memorable. It stays with me despite myself. I can claim to be above it or give to American Psycho what is American Psycho‘s. Please don’t ask me about the movie.

4. Touch Me by Suzanne Somers

Touch Me

In all fairness, I have not read this one, but I have a feeling. I dare you to stare at the book cover for thirty continuous seconds.

3. Nausea by Jean-Paul Sartre

Nausea

The philosophy of existentialism sounds rather tidy when Sartre describes it in Existentialism and Human Emotions. We have existence before our lives have essence or meaning (World War II having made religion seem especially untenable). At some point, many people realize the lack of meaning to their existence, and despair, and then, through great struggle, create meaning out of the uncertainties of existence.

Sartre dramatized the problem of this lack of meaning in No Exit, whose plot is easily summed up: Hell is other people. But that diminishes both Hell and other people.

Nausea (1938) is a novel that focuses mostly on the long realization that existence precedes essence. Hell is, viscerally, the world and oneself. While Albert Camus’s The Stranger is a shorter and better existentialist novel, Nausea kinked my brain with its psychological depths. It still does. Also, like Lá Bas, its main character is a historian losing his mind.

2. It by Stephen King

It

Stephen King (who happens to not be a relation) does not get a lot of love here at The Drunken Odyssey. Jaroslav Kalfař and I discussed Stephen King’s On Writing back on Episode 6, and while we enjoyed the book, we admitted that King’s sense of what was exciting seemed predictable, and in doing the homework suggested in On Writing, both Jaroslav and I mocked his questionable movie, Maximum Overdrive. Perhaps that was predictable of us.

Nevertheless, I do remember reading It in high school as a sophomore and getting really freaked by the text. Perhaps the mysterious malevolent presence in It was J. K. Rowling’s inspiration for the boggart, a creature that assumes the appearance of whatever you are most afraid of. Maybe it is Pennywise the Clown, violating his way into this world from another dimension. (This was long before the clowns-are-scary thing was a trope–and is one of the BIG reasons it is a trope.) Maybe it was the fear that what fucks us up as teenagers (say, a sophomore in high school) might secretly live with us for the rest of our lives.

I have been afraid of the pronoun it when used sans referent ever since.

1. The Tinkerbell Hilton Diaries: My Life Tailing Paris Hilton by Tinkerbell Hilton

The Tinkerbell Hilton Diaries

As of the posting of this blog, this heiress’s canine has more books in print than I do. I’ll get you, D. Resin.

_______

1flip

John King (Episode, well, all of them) is a podcaster, writer, and ferret wrangler.

The Lists #20: Top 10 Suicide Notes

11 Thursday Jun 2015

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The Lists #20 by Brett Pribble

Top 10 Suicide Notes

10. Just finished watching the finale of LOST. I give up.

9. Remember all those cat photos I posted? They were a cry for help.

8. I really thought you’d notice my haircut.

7. Only seventeen people wished me Happy Birthday on my wall.

  1. Just found out that Jon Snow isn’t a real person.
  1. Today a car honked at me for driving too slow. This taught me my real worth.
  1. A black cat crossed my path. I don’t want to wait to find out what happens.
  1. Ran out of Oreos.
  1. If you’re reading this you’re too late. Thanks A LOT!
  1. The only hope I had left was getting this list published on McSweeny’s, but they told me “The bar is really high on suicide lists.”

_______

Brett Pribble

Brett Pribble teaches writing courses in Orlando, Florida. He’s afraid of sharks and often isn’t sure whether or not he’s dreaming. He was previously published in Saw Palm, The Molotov Cocktail, and 10,000 Tons of Black Ink.

The Lists #19: Noah’s Log

07 Thursday May 2015

Posted by thedrunkenodyssey in The Lists

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The Lists #19 by Brett Pribble

Noah’s Log

Day 1

It’s kind of sad to watch everyone from my village drown, but it’s sweet to be able to say I told you so.

Day 17

Still annoyed that I couldn’t get the unicorns on the arc in time.

Day 35

Sometimes I wonder why my family is the only one on earth that didn’t deserve to drown horribly. Then I remember that I’m God’s favorite and laugh all night.

Day 40

Definitely should have built an extra room to contain the mounds of excrement. These hippos are abominations.

Day 72

Rain’s stopped, but the earth is still flooded. Should have packed more food.

Day 98

Not sure how I’m still breathing since all plant life on earth has been destroyed, but I’m high as a kite.

Day 113

Just realized that in order to repopulate the earth my kids will need to lay with one another. Not a good day to be a dad.

Day 126

It’s amazing how friendly cobras can be when you pet them.

Day 136

Lions are getting a little restless. Sure hope they don’t eat the dodo birds. I’d hate for them to go extinct.

Day 145

Looking into the water, it occurs to me that when God wiped out every living creature, he forgot that some creatures could swim. Oh, well.

Day 151

God made a rainbow to let us know he won’t kill everyone again with a flood. Sure hope this half-circle of colorful purity is never twisted to symbolize anything else.

_______

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Brett Pribble teaches writing courses in Orlando, Florida. He’s afraid of sharks and often isn’t sure whether or not he’s dreaming. He was previously published in Saw Palm, The Molotov Cocktail, and 10,000 Tons of Black Ink.

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