The Curator of Schlock #189 by Jeff Shuster
Rambo versus the USSR!
No blog last week. My MacBook power cord went kaput right before I started the review. This means no Rambo IV review this month. It’s like the fates are trying to prevent me from reviewing Rambo IV, the best Rambo movie. That’s the one where he goes into Burma to rescue a bunch of namby-pamby do-gooders. I think one of them gets fed to a hog. Why would anyone want to eat a pig after it’s feasted on human flesh? I mean, there’s sick and there’s sick. I’ll touch on this more one day, but we’ll wrap up Patriots Month with Rambo III.
Rambo III begins with John Rambo (Sylvester Stallone) hanging out in Thailand. He keeps getting into stick fights with local street fighters, winning big money that he forks over to Buddhist monks. He’s also been helping them build a temple while enjoying the quiet life. Colonel Trautman (Richard Crenna) shows up, asking Rambo to help him smuggle weapons to freedom fighters in Afghanistan. Rambo says no! He’s done his time! Maybe he’s still bitter about being left to die by the United States government in the last movie. Colonel Trautman gives some speech about how Rambo was a born fighter and that he just chiseled him to perfection or something to that effect. Rambo says no again, and Trautman leaves Rambo to his life of peace and tranquility.
Colonel Traitman goes off to Afghanistan where his delivery of weapons to local Afghani freedom fighters goes awry. Trautman’s men are killed and he’s taken prisoner by…wait for it…THE SOVIETS! Yes, the evil empire has invaded Afghanistan, making life hell for the tribes living there.
Their leader is the evil Colonel Alexie Zaysen (Marc de Jonge). His name reminds me of Count Zar Zon, the villain from Starcrash. Huh? According to Wikipedia, his name was Count Zarth Arn. That name is stupid.
Also, in the trailer for Starcrash, Christopher Plummer clearly states his name as Zar Zon. He was played by Joe Spinell.
Joe Spinell was also in Maniac. That was the movie where Joe Spinell plays a maniac living in New York City.
Caroline Munro was in that movie. She was dating Joe Spinell’s character in that movie. Caroline Munro also played Stella Star in Starcrash. Kind of funny how she was the love interest for Joe Spinell in Maniac, but was his arch nemesis in Starcrash.
Neither of these actors star in Rambo III. You might be wondering where I’m going with this and I don’t know. I’ve lost the plot.
Okay. I have to wrap this up. Rambo saunters off to Afghanistan to rescue his former CO. He befriends a street urchin named Hamid, plays toss the sheep with the Mujahideen, kills some Soviets, rams a tank into a chopper, and guts the leader of the Burmese army like a fish. Yeah, you see his guts fall out and everything! Oh wait! That was the end of Rambo IV also known as John Rambo also known as Rambo. It’s late. I’m tired. Before I go, an obituary.
February 4th, 1940 to July 16, 2017
For many people, and myself, George Romero was the gatekeeper to the modern horror movie. Frankly, one could argue he invented the genre. His Living Dead trilogy is my favorite trilogy of all time. I covered Dawn of the Dead. I will get to the other two someday. And I will watch Knightriders. Rest in peace, George. You will be missed.
Jeffrey Shuster (episode 47, episode 102, episode 124, and episode 131) is an MFA graduate from the University of Central Florida.
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