The Curator of Schlock #205 by Jeff Shuster

2017 in Review

I’m finished. I just can’t anymore!

Okay. Maybe that was an overstatement. It’s not a cry for help. Just a little burned out these days. I saw many movies this year, many in the actual movie theater. Was 2017 a good year for movies? Yes, I think. The year gave us Blade Runner 2049 and if you didn’t bother to see it in theaters, you can add that to your list of life’s regrets. Am I being too harsh? Nope, but there are a few from 2017 I haven’t seen yet like Split, Get Out, Dunkirk, Baby Driver, John Wick 2, and Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets (a great title if there ever was one).

I won’t be doing a single review here, but a bunch of mini- reviews. Let’s have at it.

January

Underworld: Blood Wars

Ugh. I guess if you liked the others, you’ll like this one. Kate Beckingsale is back as Selene, the vampire Death Dealer who blah, blah, blah, blah. They finally killed off Scott Speedman’s character in this one. I guess when your leading man doesn’t sign up for three sequels, it’s time to cut the cord or something.

XXX: The Return of Xander Cage

Vin Diesel returns as Xander Cage. Things explode. Tony Jaa and Donnie Yen star. I don’t remember if they fight each other. I don’t remember anything about this movie. Samuel L. Jackson was in it.

The Red Turtle

When is a Ghibli movie not a Ghibli movie? When it’s directed and written by a Dutch animator living in London. Still, it was still worth checking out.

February

The LEGO Batman Movie

I’m LEGOed out at this point. No more. I like LEGO. I like Batman. But no!

The Great Wall

Matt Damon and that guy who dueled The Mountain on Game of Thrones star as mercenaries fighting off giant lizards in Imperial China. Have I sold you? No? Good for you.

March

Logan

Logan is a wonderful, light-hearted entry in the X-Men series of films. Take the kids. Trust me!

Kong: Skull Island

It’s King Kong and he’s gigantic! Samuel L. Jackson also stars in this one. Gigantic King Kong. What more do you want? And I have a suspicion we’ll be seeing him again.

Beauty and the Beast

The live action version of Disney’s Beauty and the Beast that everyone was asking for…except me.

Life

Oh, I already covered this one already. It had an alien squid crushing this dude’s hand. It’s the simple things in life that make it worth living.

Ghost in the Shell

Disappointed in this one. The animated movies and series were an obsession of mine years back, but it felt like the director of this movie chopped them all up and reassembled them into one movie, hoping it would be an original experience.

April

Gifted

Chris Evans stars as the uncle/parent of his genius seven-year-old niece. He wants her to have a normal childhood. Her grandmother wants her to solve math problems. A court battle ensues. It’s Good Will Hunting meets Curly Sue.

More next week. We’re going to get through this. I promise!

Jeffrey Shuster (episode 47, episode 102, episode 124, episode 131, and episode 284) is an MFA graduate from the University of Central Florida.