The Perfect Life #2

The Perfect Life #2

Dear Dr. Perfect,

My ex-wife has asked me to take care of my children during Super Bowl weekend, when she (my ex-wife) plants to recover from heart enlargement surgery. I have been invited to my weed salesman’s Super Bowl party, featuring BBQ, Hooters girls, a poolside Jumbotron, and 45 different strains of sativa. How can I persuade my purveyor of the ganja flower that my children will not be a detriment to the festivities?


Dear Superfan,

Your dilemma reminds of an anecdote about a diplomat’s wife caught between writing his speeches and having a life of her own. She visited art galleries in her spare time, taking a special interest in the works of Andy Warhol and wondering how a man became rich with paintings of Campbell Soup cans. But we all know that it wasn’t just the paintings themselves that made Warhol a household name. He had tapped into the vapid zeitgeist of popular culture at the right time and place. You must find your purpose as well.

How can you simultaneously balance responsibility and irresponsibility? If successful, you might just have the time of your life. A functioning alcoholic does this quite well, until cirrhosis kicks in. The Super Bowl is a pretty big deal. I too find myself glued to the television, pretending to remember who won the playoffs so that I can root for the most impressive team amidst the haze of banal commercials, cheap beer, and halftime shows.

It would seem that SB parties are a mere excuse to gorge upon fatty foods and attack alcohol. Why not? The holidays are over, and most of us are reeling from the deep depression of a new year. I can think of no better way to celebrate. But I just might pass on this year’s big game to save myself the additional melancholy of empty stands, cardboard cutouts, or whatever the hell the league has planned. Tom Brady’s surprise move to the Buccaneers was a sign of the changing times. My bookie now says that Tampa Bay are a shoo-in at fifty to one odds. But I haven’t bet since losing on the Dolphins in 1984. These days, it’s just emu races for me.

Let us delve into your dizzying issue. Your ex-wife is an ex for a reason. I make no judgements here. I’m assuming you’re a great disappointment to her. Now, having been thrust back into bachelor life, you’re saddled with some kids and a kick-ass party to attend. Your concern for your weed dealer is commendable, and there is no way any man would turn down a party of such caliber. You had me at Hooters girls.

Your children shouldn’t be an issue. I’ve been to plenty of gatherings where the kids were relegated to some bounce house or playpen while the adults got sloshed. Tell your weed dealer that they’re not narcs. Tell your kids that they’re going to their new uncle’s house to watch the Super Bowl and to respect the Hooters girls by the pool. You can easily mediate between the two camps without issue.

I’m actually beginning to wonder if this party can truly live up to the hype. I’ve been disappointed before. 2020 was a terrible year, but we might have just as many bad years ahead.

This is all the more reason to attend the party! You would need to be some kind of miracle dad to pull it off. Mrs. Doubtfire is a good example. She/he made it work and had us laughing in the process. Be prepared to switch between dad mode and bachelor mode quite often. Enjoy the festivities, partake in the cannabis, and have the kids in bed by midnight. After her recovery, your wife will hear about everything, so have your stories ready.

Your kids won’t understand why their dad was so spacey, and they don’t need to know. This is what we rubes call, blowing off steam. High society types wouldn’t understand it, nor would the blue noses or any noses, for that matter. You’ve got a Jumbotron and several types of sativa at your disposal. If you’re like Uncle Buckin the pivotal scene before taking his niece and nephew to bet on horse racing, you would decide to be the responsible adult and not take them at all. But this isn’t a John Hughes comedy, this is real life! If nothing else, my sister can babysit the kids. Just pick me up on your way to the party.

Dr. Perfect has slung advice across the globe for the last two decades due to his dedication to the uplift of the human condition.

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The Drunken Odyssey is a forum to discuss all aspects of the writing process, in a variety of genres, in order to foster a greater community among writers.


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