The Diaries of a Sozzled Scribbler #24

Transcribed by DMETRI KAKMI

1 February 2021

I’ve been on the run since John King leaked the Kamala Papers, which reveal that Joe Biden is Kamala Harris disguised as a white man.

Oh, my dears, it caused quite the international scandal.

I promised Kamala to withhold the revelations for the public good. But John King has no such scruples. He is a Devil Worshipper out to destroy America—what’s left of it. Now that poor Kamala’s secret is out, Mr King is sitting back in his chair, chuckling like the Penguin.

Meanwhile, there’s a price on my head. FBI, ASIO, LGBTQIABAMEBIPOCCALDPOCIVF+, they’re all after me. Not to mention IOPPM (International Order of Palak Paneer Makers).

I’m hiding in a secret location to escape their clutches. But I haven’t forgotten you.

For my next world-shattering interview, I travelled back to 30 April 1945, to interview Adolf Hitler.

Before you get all offended and outraged, consider this. Aside from the Bible (written by my good friend Cecil B. DeMille), Hitler’s Mein Kampf has been in reprint since the 1920s. It’s sold millions of copies.

How many of you can make such claims, hmmm?

Without further ado, I present a conversation with the man himself in the Führer bunker, shortly before he…well, find out for yourself.

SS: Guten morgen, mein—

AH: Did you travel back in time to kill me?

SS: No, I am not a cliché. Besides, if I wanted to kill you I would have gone to the start of your career, not at the end.

AH: Oh, yeah…Hadn’t thought of that.

SS: How are you, mein floozie?

AH: It’s mein Führer!!!!!

SS: I’m terribly sorry. A slip of the tongue, I’m sure.

AH: Don’t do it again or I will turn you into a handbag!!!!!

SS: As I was saying, how are you, mein leibchen.

AH: [Giggling] Oh you’re such a flirt. Stop it or Goebbels will be quite jealous you know.

SS: How is the old girl?

AH: One execution away from an orgasm.

SS: Give him a Hitler youth in a tight Hugo Boss uniform and he is happy as Larry.

AH: Who is this Larry? Sounds Jewish.

SS: Just an expression, mein furz.^[1]

AH: How many times do I have to tell you? It’s Führer, not furz.

SS: I beg your pardon.

AH: I apologise for yelling. It’s just that I am under a lot of pressure, what with all the hate speech and rude memes directed at me. The world doesn’t realises how sensitive I am. My feelings are easily hurt, you know. Ask Eva Braun.

SS: How is the lovely Eva?

AH: Tot!!!!^[2]

SS: Tot?

AH: Ya vol!!!!^[3] You know what women are like. They want to be first in everything. When Eva heard I was going to shoot myself to escape the Allies, she took cyanide. She’s over there. Blondi, my German Shepherd, is eating her face.

SS: Are you going to shoot yourself?

AH: Don’t be ridiculous. It will ruin my head.

SS: What are you going to do?

AH: I’m going to Brazil.

SS: To hang out with buff gays on the beaches of Rio de Janeiro?

AH: No, to clone myself.

SS: You’re going to become a gay clone? The Village People look is very out of fashion.

AH: Not that sort of clone, you dummkopf!!!! I am going to clone myself. Make copies of marvellous, wonderful, me.

SS: Like the boys from Brazil. Ira Levin will write a novel about that in 1976.

AH: A Jew will not leak our story. I forbid it.

SS: It’s going to be a bestseller and a hit movie, starring Gregory Peck.

AH: That’s all right then. We need to inspire future generations.

SS: Forty years from now your name will be on everyone’s lips. You will be famous, a pop culture phenomenon.

AH: Ach, you’re just saying that to make me happy in my dark hour.

SS: Not at all. The Australian government will subsidise a television station called SBS and it will screen nothing but Nazi documentaries. Scholars from around the world will write books about you and every aspect of your life.

SS: Tell me more!

SS: YouTube will have interviews with just about everyone who knew you, and some who didn’t.

AH: That is so nice…

SS: I’m telling you becoming a Nazi was a good career move.

AH: [Fans self with hand.] Ach, stop it, you are making me blush. I was never very good with compliments.

SS: Let me ask you about your charming two-volume memoir Mein Kampf.

AH: Of course.

SS: Where did the idea come from?

AH: Well, I was bored in my prison cell and I suddenly thought misery loves company so I am going to write an inspirational saga to empower my beloved mutterland that is being torn apart by communists, intellectuals, foreigners, and leftists.

SS: Sounds like Western countries in the 21st century.

AH: Maybe the boys from Brazil can help?

SS: Well, you know what they say.

AH: What?

SS: A lot of people who call themselves Left are proto-fascists.

AH: Who made this thought provoking observation that is causing my brain to fry at this pivotal juncture of my life?

SS: Noam Chomsky.

AH: Another Jew!!!! You are giving me a headache. You know the original title of Mein Kampf was Four And A Half Years (of Struggle) Against Lies, Stupidity and Cowardice.

SS: Really?

AH: Catchy title, no?

SS: Very catchy. Can I use it?

AH: Are you writing a memoir too?

SS:  I’m putting the finishing touches to a book about PC and Woke cultures. Four And A Half Years (of Struggle) Against Lies, Stupidity and Cowardice sums it up perfectly.

AH: [Shoots to feet.] I’m sorry but I must leave. Here is Dr. Mengele with the airplane for Brazil. Auf wiedersehen, mein ekelhaft pervers. ^[4]

SS: Heil mein feibermücke.^[5]

AH: I heard that!!!! It’s handbag time for you!!!!

SS: [Running for door] Quick, call Miuccia Prada! She’ll turn me into a collectable handbag that only women from China and the Arab Emirates can afford.

À bientôt, mes amies.