The Perfect Life #3

Dear Dr. Perfect.

In the time of COVID-19, how can I make my loved ones comply with the necessary safety measures to keep this disease from spreading? My brother is a nudist and insists that masks infringe upon his anatomical sovereignty. My cousin’s cat is asthmatic. And my sister says that the whole thing is a hoax despite my brother-in-law’s death last October. I know that my country in general bristles at the idea of etiquette. What is the polite way for me and my family to stay safe?

Sincerely, Not a Hoaxer

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Dear Not a Hoaxer,

During this pandemic, it’s important to find a balance that allows society to function without hiding under our beds in HAZMAT suits. For instance, I clean my keyboard with disinfectant wipes twice before usage. I’ve been doing that for years, actually. Think of the restrictions as similar to entering someone’s house. They might ask you to take your shoes off, and you comply with such freaks out of courtesy. Society is one giant house. Put a coaster on the table before setting your glass down.

Where were we? You’ve got your hands full. I assume your brother’s flaunted nudity is not asked for but rather tolerated. Introduce him to those clear face shields. They’re inexpensive and available everywhere. Sure, they look ridiculous, but instead of infringing on his anatomical sovereignty, it might actually enhance it. Think fetish. He can stroll the beach like a pro with his face shield on in the open air with no one around and know that he’s doing his part to help someone, somewhere from being uncomfortable. If that’s not enough, use industrial staples to put a mask on his face, and one over his junk for good measure. It’s only polite.

I had an asthmatic Yorkie who required a tiny mask for her inhaler. I loved that little dog. Mask wearing for pets can be a precarious chore. If you’ve ever tried to dress up your cat, dog, or emotional support monkey for the holidays, you know how difficult it can be. I certainly don’t want to be insensitive to your cousin’s cat’s needs, and I would never expect some frumpy feline to put anyone before itself. After all, we’re only here to wait on it hand and foot without so much as a whisper of appreciation! I apologize, I had a cat once, and it didn’t work out. Your situation, as it stands, calls for the indefinite quarantine of this sickly cat in question. One can never be too sure. I certainly wouldn’t step near a non-masked domesticated animal, at least until it’s had its vaccine shot.

Condolences on your brother-in-law’s passing. Your sister is entitled to her idiotic opinion, as so many of us are these days until the hammer comes down and we say the wrong things and end up in the slammer. Does your sister belong in jail? I can’t make that call, but I think it’s time for her to put aside her hoax conspiracies and mask up. If you think I’m propagandizing, you’re probably right. The management here are like something out of 1985, the fan-fiction sequel to 1984 I read the other week. It wasn’t a bad book, aside from the tentacle porn passages.

Without manners, we would descend into madness within hours, worse than our current state. General etiquette binds us together in a civil society, quite the opposite of the videos we’ve seen of masked and unmasked crazies shouting at each other on airplanes or in supermarkets. I’m optimistic. We have a few good months left. Consider where your family is coming from and tell them in no uncertain terms that they must adhere to CDC guidelines or face public shaming on social media. Assure them that these are just temporary measures, two weeks tops.

And then extend the deadline with no explanation. It’s no time to be placating one another.

I wear my mask at home and while I sleep, and I live alone. And no, you may not come over.


Dr. Perfect has slung advice across the globe for the last two decades due to his dedication to the uplift of the human condition.